He squeezed my thigh again.
Yes, I agreed with that too.
Between the judge’s warning and our little romance ruse, this was a slam dunk. I had talked enough sense into my father that we could have closed the deal without the judge’s threat, and I could practically see Jonathon’s father starting to sweat. It was time. We needed to strike while the iron was still hot. And to add to this morning’s surprises, it was my brother who decided to speak first.
“I think the suggestion to just split the property is a fair one, Pop. Why don’t we just do that and call this thing finished already.”
Nice job, Zack!
I had gotten to him earlier. I kept him from hitting the pot pipe and even picked out a button up shirt for him to wear. He looked like a completely different person sitting there, and even my father blinked as he started talking sense. But Daddy wasn’t just going to just roll over now. This thing was more about pride than anything else. He pulled at his left suspender before starting to speak.
“Maybe. But even if we agree to split the property, I think there need to be certain stipulations.”
That was it. That was the beginning of the end. I felt Jonathon’s hand patting my leg victoriously under the table. I reached into my purse and felt the Legalbanana document on my fingers.
“What kind of stipulations did you have in mind?”
Jonathon’s father was straightening his spectacles as he spoke. He was entering into businessman mode, as was my father. This was where we needed both of them to be. We needed to keep emotions out of this thing, and Jonathon’s father looked cool as a cucumber.
His son, on the other hand, was starting to get busy under the table.
“We need some type of fence on the property line, for example,” Daddy said.
Jonathon’s hand had stopped patting my leg. He had given me a light squeeze and I thought that was the end of it. But now his hand was moving back and forth across my thigh. It was innocent. It was what dating couples were supposed to do. But he was doing it where no one else could see it, and he was fooling no one. Least of all me.
“Agreed, of course. And we should split the cost of whatever type of boundary we put up,” Mr. McCallister said.
Jonathon’s hand was running the full length of my thigh. It was easy for him. His hand was big and I was half his size. He probably could have run that hand clear across to my other thigh, and I thought for a moment he might try. I picked up his hand and put it back in his lap, because I was a lady. I watched as my father nodded his head.
“Yes, good point, McCallister. Jack Barnes from the old lumber yard is a buddy of mine. I can get us a good deal from him too, I bet.”
Awesome, negotiations were going just fine. I slipped my left foot out of my shoe and started to run it up his leg. I had liked the feel of his hand on my thigh, and I suddenly realized I wasn’t that much of a lady after all. I was able to run my toe far enough up his leg to get under his pant cuff, and I knew I had bare skin just under the cotton of my sock. It was the same skin I was latching onto just yesterday. The same skin that was bare against the wooden bench of the boathouse…
“Jack Hitchcock over at Ryder’s might be even cheaper, Pop.”
Ooh, my brother was getting involved now. If that wasn’t an aphrodisiac I wasn’t sure what was. I ran my toe as far up his leg as I could without alerting the whole table I had just gotten to second base.
His hand was back on my thigh. He was being cautious this time, and he didn’t need to be. But then the fingers started moving. His hand was moving slower this time, at least slower than the toes on my left foot were moving. I took advantage of the moment while everyone was getting along so well to throw the Legalbanana document on the table between the two of them.
“I went ahead and printed out an agreement that spells out the splitting of the land between both of you. Jonathon and I spent some time yesterday going over it.”
Gentle thigh squeeze.
“Everything looks fine to us, so why don’t you just look it over and see if you have any questions.”
Daddy looked at the document, but it was for show only. If I told him I had already given it a look I knew that was good enough for him. He lifted the top copy and looked at the second page and then pushed it over to Jonathon’s father.
“Looks alright to me, McCallister.”
Jonathon’s father looked at it a little more carefully, like I fully expected that he would. I caught my grandmother wink at me from her end of the table, giving me a silent affirmation that I had done good. Even the smaller of the two deputies was starting to nod his head. Jonathon’s father looked up and I slid a pen across the table at him.
“I suppose it’s the right thing to do, especially considering the kids seem so fond of each other,” he said. “I still don’t quite understand it, to be honest.”
Jonathon’s hand stopped under the table and assumed an icy stillness. His father was reaching for the pen, but no one in the room was breathing. Except Daddy. I knew he was breathing because he opened his mouth.
“What’s that, McCallister?”
The pen was already in his dad’s right hand. He had even clicked the little thing at the top and the ink colored head was through the bottom of the pen tube, waiting for a document to sign.
“I’m surprised my son is interested in your daughter. That’s all I’m saying.”
“And why exactly would that be, McCallister?”
Jonathon’s hand started squeezing my thigh so hard I had to pry it off me. The smaller deputy was starting to sit up straight and my brother moved his chair and inch or two away from the table. I coughed into my hand and kicked Jonathon under the table. He needed to try to reign his father in.
“He was dating the rose of Clark County High, that’s all I’m saying. I just wouldn’t have thought your daughter would have been his type.”
“Type?”
It was a single word but it came off Daddy’s tongue like a shotgun blast. I was certain there were people out on the street who had probably heard him. He was starting to stand, and I knew whatever was coming next wasn’t going to be ‘I love you.’
“I’ll tell you what McCallister—why don’t you and your boy leave and he can go find that rose of Clark County High. She’s probably on her back behind the bleachers with the football team.”
Eek, that was a rough one, even by Daddy’s standards. I watched Jonathon’s father click the top of the pen and the little blue tip receded back into its barrel. Jonathon’s grandmother placed a hand on his arm but he was already starting to stand. I coughed again and kicked Jonathon but his mouth was agape in shock.
“You got all the class of a junkyard dog, Hawthorne, you know that? I should have known better to have come here to speak civilly with the likes of you. We don’t want to have anything more to do with you, your daughter, or your whole rotten family.”
Daddy’s face was already turning a special shade of red. It was a color I had only seen a couple of times and it had never led to anything good. Nanny had her head in her hands and the smaller deputy already had his hand on his mace. The big guy in the corner remained stoic, but I could see his fingers tensing on the barrel of the shotgun.
“My rotten family? Ha, that’s a laugh. That’s a rich one, McCallister. You don’t have to worry about seeing us, I can promise you that. And you don’t have to worry anymore about my daughter seeing the likes of your son.”
Jonathon had his mouth open, but no words were coming out. The shouting had gone up a decibel with each volley, and I was certain any second I was going to hear the big guy rack a shell into his shotgun chamber. I was still looking at that Legalbanana document, sitting there on the table between them, the paper a pristine, virgin white. I had no other choice. It was time to drop the big one. They were leaving me no other alternative.
“My son wouldn’t see your daughter if she was the last…”
“Enough! Stop it! Stop it right now!”
&nbs
p; I had cut Jonathon’s father off mid-insult, and he was looking at me with his lip still up in a snarl. Nanny had lifted her head from her hands, and for the first time all morning, the big guy in the corner registered surprise. He didn’t know what I was about to say. He didn’t know any more than my fake boyfriend sitting next to me.
“We’re not going to stop seeing each other, not now. It’s too late. We’re already engaged to be married. And there’s nothing you can do to stop us.”
Chapter 11
Olivia
I heard my cell phone start to ring and I knew it was Cynthia before even looking at the screen. I had half been expecting her to call. We hadn’t talked in two days and she would be looking for fresh scoop. And I knew it was her because she was the only one who I had a ring tone set to “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”
“Hey Cynthia.”
“Congratulations!”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I heard you’re engaged, Liv. I’m so excited for you.”
She was laughing so hard I was surprised she was still able to hold onto her iPhone. I glanced at the clock in my car and saw that it was officially four hours after I had blurted out our marital plans at the courthouse.
“Where the hell are you getting your information from, Cynthia? I haven’t even had a chance to talk to Jonathon about it yet. He practically ran out of the courthouse screaming.”
“Facebook. Where else, Liv?”
“Facebook?”
“Yeah, well I guess Jonathon must have talked to Bobby after he left the courthouse. You know how shit like that gets around, Liv, you’re not going to keep something like that quiet in Madison County.”
“Hold on a second Cynthia—you’re Facebook friends with Jonathon’s friend, Bobby?”
“Yeah, well he requested me a week or so ago. Sometime after you guys started your fake relationship. He thought it would be a good idea if we were Facebook friends. You know, keep up appearances and all…”
“Fabulous idea.”
“Plus, I don’t think Bobby is seeing anyone. His status is listed as single, and he is kind of cute…”
“Oh, this just keeps getting better. Maybe the four of us can go on a fake double date.”
I got a half laugh from her.
“Look Olivia, like it or not, this is news in Madison County. The biggest thing to happen last month in Madison was Cruzer’s drug store getting a handicap parking spot. People were already talking about this land thing between your dad and Jonathon’s father. Once you went the fake relationship route, it blew up on social media.”
“Blew up on social media, Cynthia? Seriously?”
“I’m telling you the God’s honest truth, there was an entire thread on the Madison County Facebook page about it.”
“Madison County has a Facebook page?”
“Yes. With like a thousand followers. People were going back and forth about your land thingy and then you started with the fake relationship and it went viral.”
“Viral?”
Cynthia always had a flare for the dramatic. I was still pretty sure ‘viral’ meant that the old timers were talking about it at Tony’s barber shop.
“Yes, viral. People are really eating up the whole Romeo and Juliet story you guys are spinning. It’s cute.”
“It sounds adorable.”
“You know what I mean. It’s just cute to watch, that’s all. Everyone is really rooting for you guys.”
I stayed quiet because I was ready to change the topic.
“Well, almost everyone is rooting for you.”
I was ready to change the topic. I was suddenly interested in what she had to tell me.
“What does that mean, Cynthia?”
“Jonathon’s got some catty ex-girlfriend from Clark County. Do you know anything about this chick?”
“Let me guess, Carla Jean something-or-other?”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s her. I don’t know anything about her but she comes off as a Grade A bitch.”
“It sounds like you know more about her than you think. Why, what has she been saying?”
“It’s not just what she says. She is in every one of those damn threads, but she never ‘likes’ any of the stuff people say about you guys, you know what I mean? Every time someone says something sweet there are like a hundred likes from everyone in the thread, except for her.”
“Yeah. Go on.”
“And she just says this petty little shit about you guys. I mean, there’s one like that on every Facebook page, and more often than not, she ends up getting chased off by everyone else on the page, but that chick clearly has issues.”
“So I’ve heard.”
“I mean, Bobby said she had it bad for Jonathon and he broke her heart, so whatever. That’s just not a chick I would be accepting friend requests from anytime soon.”
“Cynthia, I haven’t gone on Facebook in ages. Way too political for me anymore. Jonathon doesn’t go on Facebook either. At least that’s what he told me at the boathouse.”
“Wait, when were you at the boathouse with Jonathon?”
Oops…
“It was no big deal. It was one of the few places we could go to talk things over. We went there before going to court the last time.”
“Seems like a funny place to talk things over, Olivia. I mean, the biggest makeout place in the twin counties.”
Silence.
“You did more than talk things over there with him, didn’t you?”
Awkward silence.
“Olivia Hawthorne! I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. Good for you, girl, getting your booty call on at the boathouse like it’s prom night all over again.”
“Cynthia…”
“That’s twice in the last three weeks for you, sweetie. I’m proud of you, certainly not the girl I used to know.”
“Cynthia…”
“Of course, you realize that means it’s not really a white wedding, right? Not that it matters all that much…”
“Cynthia, enough. I am kind of in the middle of a crisis here, you know?”
“I hear you, enough about you getting busy at the boathouse. Tell me about this wedding of yours. Am I going to be getting the maid of honor phone call?”
“Um, no.”
“What the fuck, Olivia? Maybe Carla Jean was right about you…”
“You get that this whole thing is just a charade, right, Cynthia? This thing never goes any further than the Madison County Courthouse, let alone a church. He and I have like two more weeks to lock this thing down, then I’m back to New York, sweetheart.”
“Pretend maid of honor?”
Groan…
“Fine, pretend maid of honor.”
“No dress shopping, Liv?”
“No dress shopping.”
“What about a ring, Liv? You at least need to have a ring. No one is going to take your story seriously if you don’t have a rock on your ring finger.”
“Yeah, that’s a good point, I hadn’t even considered that.”
“See, that’s what you need a maid of honor for.”
“Jonathon is not going to be happy about that. We’re already in pretty far over our heads here.”
“Don’t worry about him, Liv. After your booty call at the boathouse I bet it’s not going to be as big a deal as you think. Just make sure there is a return policy on whatever ring you pick out.”
“Return policy, roger that.”
“And tell him to go big or go home, Olivia. Start from the biggest rock in the counter and then go from there. You might as well milk this thing for all it’s worth.”
Chapter 12
Jonathon
She was driving. It was better that way. I was still numb from the shitshow at the courthouse, and I was struggling to just put two words together. She pulled into the little strip mall on the edge of town and I had an idea where she was going before she even parked. There was an empty spot right in front, and she pulled her Jetta in a
nd killed the ignition.
Clark County Jewelers
I had a hundred questions racing through my mind, and it seemed like another dozen just jumped into the mix. At times like this, my grandmother always said to remain calm. She always said to start with the first question that came to mind. So I turned to Olivia and did exactly that.
“Are you out of your fucking mind?”
She turned to look at me as she was putting her keys into her purse and she was already waving her hands at me to remain calm.
“Don’t get crazy on me, Jonathon. I know this sounds bad, but it’s actually the perfect thing. This is the chance to put this thing to bed once for all.”
“What are you talking about, crazy woman? You told them we’re going to get married—how does that fix anything?”
“Jesus, you McCallisters are so damn thick. You need me to explain everything to you. Don’t be such a drama queen. Now come on with me and let’s go pick out a ring.”
“A ring?”
I was starting to argue with her but I was arguing with her ass as she was getting out of the car and stepping towards the curb. I was able to jump out of the car and close the distance to the door before she got her hand on the knob.
“A ring? Have you completely lost your mind?”
“Listen, Jonathon, I didn’t see you stepping up when the shit was starting to hit the fan back at that courthouse. We were a couple of minutes from the whole thing falling to pieces. That one deputy was reaching for his mace, for Christ’s sake. Our fathers would have ended up in jail and you and I working in this shit county for the rest of our lives. Is that what you want? Is that the way you would have preferred for it to play out?”
It was an argument I didn’t have a response for, and she nodded her head and pulled the door to the jewelry store open. I heard the jingle of the little doorbell as I pursued her and grabbed her by the arm.
“And buying a ring fixes all that?”
“No, you meathead. Don’t you get it? Our fathers are never going to agree to settle this thing. They hate each other too much. The whole dating thing was a bad idea. We should have led with the fake engagement from the start. I’m not sure my father ever actually believed me when I said we were just dating. But now, a fake engagement—that’s a whole other story.”
Dirty Neighbor Page 7
