The Angel Side

by Heaven Liegh Eldeen

  “Catch your breath. I’ll get you some water.” Saraqael said, breaking the sexual tension filling the room.

  “You should have called. I would have come and got you, silly goose.” I nervously giggled as I scooted to the other side of the couch.

  “I was late for work. I left my cell at the house.” Ra said, releasing a disappointed sigh.

  “You’re a mess. Let’s go home and get you cleaned up.” I replied, tousling his hair

  “No. I made it. I’m here. I want my wife, and if this is what I have to do then so be it.”

  “Here’s your water. So, who wishes to begin?” Saraqael interrupted.

  “I guess I will, since Ra is busy gulping like a truck driver. I know Ra has a lot going on and a lot of responsibilities, but I feel as if at times he’s not there for me.”

  “Care to elaborate, Etta?” Saraqael instructed.

  Nervously twisting the bottom of my shirt, I thought hard about what to say next. With Saraqael present, Ra would be less likely to lose his temper when I told him about the children. I had to figure out how to work my kids into tonight’s sessions.

  “Well, there are times I’m left to deal with stuff on my own because he’s either not around or so moody anything I say may set him off.”

  “I see. And, Ra, what do you have to say about how Etta is feeling? Ra? Rahovart?”

  I turned to face Ra in anticipation of his answer, when a hot rage boiled up within me. Instead of finding an attentive, conscious man beside me, a comatose Ra slumped over the arm of the couch.

  “Are you asleep?” I shouted as I punched his arm.

  “What? Sorry. Umm. What were we talking about?” Ra said, shaking off his catnap.

  “That’s it. I’m going home.” Snatching my purse from the floor, I stormed out of the apartment.

  “Etta, wait. Please. Etta!” Ra yelled as he gave chase. “Etta. C’mon, don’t make me run after you.”

  “Make you? Isn’t it obvious? I can’t make you do anything. I can’t even get you to show up when I need you to, and when you are here, you’re useless. I needed you to be here in the present, Ra, more than anything and what do you do? You fall asleep on the job.” I yelled, not caring who heard us.

  Ra’s face contorted in anger. I had expected to upset Ra tonight when I told him about Annahail, Botis, and Uphir, but I hadn’t expected this fight.

  “Useless? Useless? That’s not fair, and you know it.” Ra stormed up on me, wagging his finger in my face “You knew what we were up against when we got back together. You knew my world would be divided between you and my duties. I am trying to do everything in my power to keep you happy. Do you have any idea what I go through trying to be here for you and all your stupid little events and demands? ‘Ra, I need you here to go dress shopping with me. Ra, I wanna go to the movies. Ra, let’s go on a picnic. Oh no, Ra, I have nothing to wear to my interview, take me shopping again’.” Ra mocked.

  He had been right with his side of the argument. In my need to spend time with him I had been demanding, but on the flip side he had been just as taxing. I might have apologized for blowing up on him and dropped the whole thing had he not made the mistake of treating me as if I were one of his peon troops, shaking his finger in my face and trying to intimidate me with his girth.

  “Yeah. I made you do all of that, and some help you were. You slept through the movie, the picnic, and in the store. You’re nothing but a waste of space in my life. Good for nothing but worrying about yourself” I screamed as I shoved him in his chest.

  To prevent me from pushing him again, Ra snagged my wrists “Some help? I busted my butt getting the extra forty bucks so you would have a cute outfit for your interview. As for being a waste of space I could say the same thing about you in other areas. With as lively as you are I might as well make out with your picture, at least it’d move more.” Ra flung my arms, giving me a little push back.

  “Maybe I’d be a little more receptive if you wouldn’t charge at me, trying to inhale my face. Or if you paid a little more attention to me and didn’t act as if you were going to battle, you’d get a little more reaction from me and so would your little thing down there.” I yelled, pointing at his groin. “As for the dress, I didn’t ask you to pay for it. I told you I had the money. I only wanted you with me, but you can’t even give me that in or out of the bedroom.” Not one to lose I fight, I fired back, standing fast, I waited for Ra to tear me to shreds.

  “We need to stop, because I want to strangle you right now.” Ra clenched his fists to his sides. It had been easy to tell he had been using every ounce of restraint he had to hold back his anger. Seeing I had him up against the ropes, though, I didn’t stop myself from delivering the final blow.

  “Wouldn’t be the first time you’ve killed me, but go ahead if it’s what you want to do. I warn you, though, it won’t be as easy as the first time.” The words flew out of my mouth so easily.

  If I had the ability, I would have ripped out my tongue for betraying me. Ra’s jaw trembled as he tried to fight back the tears my backlash had created. Ra lowered his eyes. Filled with shame for what I said, I turned away from Ra as to not see the hurt and pain my heavy words caused. Ra came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

  “Why does kicking me when I’m down always seem so easy for you? You know, Etta, there are a ton of things I could throw in your face, but I don’t because I love you, and I want us to be happy…the way we used to be. You say you’ve forgiven me and love me, but I’m starting to believe you haven’t. You simply use my mistakes as more ammunition in your arsenal. I love you for it, because it’s a part of you, but it’s clear to see you don’t feel the same. I’m sorry I’m not the man you needed. I hope someday you can find the happiness I never gave you. Good bye, Etta.” He whispered in my ear.

  The only thought I had at the moment was why he said goodbye when the gravity of his words hit me. Ra said goodbye as in I’m breaking up with you.

  “Ra, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.” I spun around ready to fight for him and us. I had to tell him I simply got caught up in the heat of the moment, but when I turned around, the street had been empty. I called out to him hoping he’d return to me, but he didn’t show. Defeated and heartbroken, my knees gave out as I turned to a hot mess of tears and snot. Cradling my knees, I rocked back and forth, waiting for him to come take the pain away, but I had been waiting for nothing.

  “You quitter! Come back here and finish what you started!” as I rose to my feet, I screamed into the air in exasperation.

  “If you two continue to cut each other down how do you expect to build a relationship?” Saraqael walked out of the shadows, startling me.

  “Saraqael? I didn’t know you were here. You heard us?” I asked, wiping the tears from my face in hopes he hadn’t seen me cry.

  “I’m the Arch of Communication. You know I hear everything, Etta.”

  Ra’s words resonated in my ears “It’s clear to see you don’t feel the same.” Panic struck me.

  “How do I fix this? How do I make it right, Saraqael?” I begged, gripping his collar.

  “The first step to asking for forgiveness is to forgive yourself. You two hold so much guilt for what you have done to each other over the years. You’re allowing it to eat you both alive.” Saraqael pulled my hands from his shirt, clutching them tightly.

  “What are you talking about? Over the years? Except for tonight, I have nothing to feel guilty about.” I pushed away from Saraqael.

  “Maybe you should have started tonight’s session with what is really troubling you.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I declared, wiping my nose on my sleeve.

  “I know you’re holding back, Etta. You did during our last session, and you’re doing it now. Until you can let the truth out, I’m afraid any relationship you have is doomed.”

  During one of our therapy sessions, Saraqael suggested Ra and I should put all our secrets on the tab
le about what we had done while separated. Ra took the whole two hours running down the list of everyone he had any type of relationships with, the girls he peeped on, the times he lied to me or stretched the truth, and even went as far as to admitting he had been the one who spilled grape Kool-Aid on my favorite white blouse.

  When it came my turn to confess all, I said nothing. In Purgatory, I didn’t have the option of sleeping around or the luxury of grape Kool-Aid. When you’re in constant pain, you don’t really have the drive to check out another being’s package, much less have sex with them. For my life on Earth, it had been pretty boring. I’d never had a boyfriend except for Vetis when he pretended to be Ra, but we never did anything other than hold hands and kiss a few times but not with tongue.

  “I didn’t hold back. I said what I needed to say.”

  “Interesting. You’ve done nothing but lie to yourself and despite the fact it has gotten you here today, you can’t admit the truth. You should have told Ra why you’re really so demanding of time. You should have told him it’s not easy for you to accept he has had others, and when he’s not by your side, you imagine him with someone else. Maybe then he would have taken his punctuality issues a little more seriously.”

  Yes, it bothered me knowing Ra had the time of his life while my soul rotted away in Purgatory and on Earth, but I hadn’t been jealous. So what if he had constantly been surrounded by beautiful women he’d be physically capable of making love to. It didn’t matter he met an ex-girlfriend in over half of all battles since his return to Heaven. And who cared that during a few pizza deliveries some busty, size four twig would open her door in a negligée wanting more than just extra olives. After centuries of separation, I simply wanted to spend as much time with him as possible to rekindle what we had before everything went to Hell in a handbasket, literally.

  “Saraqael, I appreciate what you’re doing for us, but I’m done for tonight. I’ll see you at the wedding tomorrow?”

  “The Heavens are buzzing about the nuptials of Gabriel and Amy. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. But seriously, Etta, come clean with Ra, and you’ll see a world of difference in him.”

  “Yeah. Let’s just hope Ra doesn’t miss it either.” I said as I walked away.

  I hadn’t been much in the mood for sitting at my parents’ house and needed someone on my side to talk to which left me with only one place to go.

  Unable to get my brain to shut off during my stroll to Amy’s house, every thought I ever had about Ra and I raced in my mind. We’d survived Heaven and Hell, yet it seemed Earth would be what would tear us apart.

  Stepping through the threshold of the house I once shared with Amy, my hope to share my burdens with her deflated. Amy and Gabriel had been cuddled up on the couch so tightly they hadn’t noticed me enter the house. I tip-toed to my former room when I realized not only had I just lost my husband but I lost my best friend, and it had been all my fault.

  After defeating Vetis, making a deal with my brother, and Ra learning I’m Abihail’s soul carrier I withdrew from hanging out with Amy. She needed time with Gabriel, and I needed to mend things with Ra. At least that is what I would tell myself, but the truth of the matter was I envied her and Gabriel to the point of jealousy. The two were always so happy just to be with each other any moment they got their hands on. Amy never let on that Gabriel being gone so much bothered her. Heck, I didn’t know if it did at all. She simply went on with her day as if all was well.

  Ra and I fought constantly. The only time Amy and Gabriel got into just the slightest tiff was when Gabriel wanted a doughnut tower at their wedding. After a few minutes of bickering and begging on Gabriel’s part, Amy gave in, and the two spent the whole day apologizing, necking, and smooching more than necessary.

  Of course, being so in love is easy when you’re starting out new. Amy didn’t have to compete with someone Gabriel used to know. Amy didn’t have to try and stay calm when Gabriel called her by another name. She knew when he looked at her all Gabriel saw was her. Amy didn’t have to battle memories from three different lives. Life for her seemed to be pretty flowers, wedding dresses, and doughnut towers. I didn’t have the luxury of being so care-free, and I resented Amy for it.

  I had to try and find ways to show Ra that Abihail no longer existed; I hadn’t been the woman he married. I would have to lie and tell Ra I didn’t remember something from our time together in Heaven just so maybe he would see the woman in front of him and not the little lady he left behind. I wanted to be loved as Etta Marilyn Divad, not Abihail, wife of Rahovart the Arch and sister of Lucifer the Morning Star. Despite my frustrations, anger, and disappointments I never stopped loving him, even when I dwelled in Purgatory, because his temper ripped out everything my soul had known and loved.

  I knew in his guilt he always attempted to go above and beyond for me, trying to prove how sorry he had been. It had been the only motive to explain Ra charging into Hell to save me from my brother and giving up his wings for another chance of having me love him. And all I did in return was throw it in his face.

  As I gently closed the bedroom door, I hoped Ra would be there waiting for me to talk things out and get back on track, but he hadn’t been. I didn’t blame him. Never in all of our arguments had I ever said anything as low as I did tonight, not as Abihail or Etta.

  Lying down in bed, I pulled the quilt off the guest bed and wrapped it around me, wishing it were Ra’s arms. The blanket would have to do for now.

  “Gabriel just left for the bachelor party. You ready to do some partying of our own?” Unexpectedly, Amy poked her head through the doorway.

  I had gotten so trapped in my head I totally forgot about the bachelorette party I was obligated to attend. I wanted to tell her I would be unable to go and to shut the door, but the fact that she had noticed me come in the house was reason enough to put my wants aside.

  Chapter Four Ra

  I hadn’t wanted to go back home after what Etta had said to me. I had gotten enough stares for even being allowed back much less allowed to continue my relationship with her. I couldn’t go back and let the naysayers see they were right about me.

  The attic, once my prison, now became the one place I’d been able to sit in silence with my thoughts. Leaning my back against the attic wall, as I had so many nights before, my thoughts drifted back to my Demon side. I missed the simplicity my life had once been. No one to answer to. No one to battle. All I had to do had been to pull a few pranks on unsuspecting humans, scare them, and enjoy the peace the night brought. Then Etta came into my world, spinning it around and inside out.

  She’d gone to Purgatory because of me. I’d gone to Hell for her. She risked her mortality. I risked my wings. We’d overcome all odds, and yet we were unable to manage the day to day responsibilities a healthy relationship required. I had to end it before we destroyed each other but regret was already settling in.

  “No rest for the wicked.” Gabriel’s voice broke the silence.

  “What are you doing here?” I replied, annoyed by his intrusion.

  “Checking on you. Everyone’s been trying to find you for the party. They are worried. I figured you might be here.” Gabriel said as he sat down next to me.

  “Well, you know where I am. I’m not in the mood for company, so you can go. Have fun at your party.”

  “You haven’t been yourself lately, Brother. Talk to me. Maybe I can help.”

  “No thank you. I’m done talking.”

  “You need to talk to someone. You can’t keep bottling everything up and expect anything to change.”

  “You want to know what I feel?” Agitated, I shot up to my feet.

  “Yes, Brother. Tell me!” Gabriel stood eye to eye with me as he clenched my shoulders.

  “Okay.” I said, brushing off his hands. “It feels as if my limbs are being ripped from me every time I see the disappointed look on Father’s face when he sees me. It’s as if I am nothing more than a mistake he can’t admit to making. And no matter what
I do, I still get the stares from the Angels on the streets. I hear their whispers. ‘There goes the Demon. Do you think he’ll turn on us? You know he used to rape women and children. What is Father thinking letting him back in?’ You can’t imagine what it is like having them step aside, because they are scared of you when you’re doing nothing but trying to protect them. Not to mention I have a sucking wound in my chest whenever Etta gives me the same embarrassed glances as Father. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Horrific nightmares fill my head ripping any chance of rest from me, but every moment I’m awake the embers of Hell lick at my feet. That is what I feel, Brother. That is what I bottle up. So excuse me for not being the happy go lucky Rahovart you once knew.” I had unleashed all my insecurities and pent up frustrations in one instant.

  “A fallen’s return is new to us all, Rahovart. Fear is a natural response to what one doesn’t understand. In time, they will come to see you are, in fact, on their side. As for being a mistake, it cannot be further from the truth, Brother. Father and all of us love you. We always have. As for Etta, she is not embarrassed by you. She’s proud of you; she just wants you guys to have every chance possible to survive what everyone in Hell is trying to kill. I bet you money if anybody crossed the street to get away from you in front of her, she’d whoop their butt in a heartbeat.”

  Maybe Gabriel had been right. I had deep feelings when in Etta’s presence but after what she said tonight, I hadn’t been sure what those emotions were. Pride? Obligation? Loyalty? Maybe, but one thing was certain, it hadn’t been as if it were love anymore. But, after breaking it off with her, I’d never get a chance to see her beat anyone’s butt in my honor.

  “I doubt it. Etta and I aren’t together anymore.” I sheepishly replied.

  “What? What do you mean you’re not together anymore?” a shocked Gabriel grabbed my jaw, forcing me to face him.

  It hadn’t really dawned on me what I had done until then. Simply saying the words out loud had been enough to break me. I’d given up what I worked so hard to keep. I threw away what I wanted to treasure. At the time, it had been the right answer. In retrospect, it only proved how stupid I’d truly been. Reliving the moment briefly, tears welled up but in my stubbornness, I remained steadfast.