by Lang, Desi
“Who’s talking about breaking up?”
“You know what you are doing, I don’t have to spell it out for you.” Cora looked at her straight. “The fact is that you are an attached girl, and flirting with other guys is disrespectful towards your boyfriend, you know.” She continued.
“I’m not flirting with anybody.” Sybille stood up, feeling fed up with Cora’s counseling session. “You are imagining things.” With that, she left the room.
She knew she’s fooling nobody but herself. She had feelings for Max; probably even already in love with him (*gasp*). Nowadays, nothing would make her happier than getting in touch with Max. All her feelings were pouring out for him, there was no more left for Christian, her boyfriend of two years who’s now studying in Germany. Maybe it’s the long distance, or the loneliness…she’s trying to find an excuse. But one thing for sure, the attraction to Max was getting stronger. His charms were like magnet, kept drawing her closer and closer to him, day by day. And what could a helpless girl do?
Chapter C: Girl Has So Much to Do “What do you think about cheating?”
You would be surprised at how varied the responses from various people were when this question was asked.
Girl A: “Definitely not worth it. You don’t only lose your boyfriend, but also respect from your friends and future crushes. Boys look down on cheating girls.”
Girl B: “Once a cheater always a cheater.”
Girl C: “Why not? We are young, unmarried, and we only live once. Heck, I’d even consider getting married several times to live my life to the fullest!”
Girl D: “It’s complicated.”
Girl E: “It depends.”
On what?
“On how cute the new guy is.”
Sybille was contemplating the idea. If you compare the two, Max surely won. He’s more good looking, mature and charming than the nice but sometimes too boyish Christian. Christian walked around in unwashed torn jeans and metal bands t-shirts; Max was always neat and manly. Christian had thick glasses and unkempt hair, Max’s hair was cut stylishly and he sometimes wore rimless glasses, interchangeable with his contact lenses with situations demanded it. Christian treated Sybille like his buddy, and Max treated her like a lady.
But Christian loved her, and Max probably didn’t.
She’s sipping her coffee in a daze. In rainy days like these, one couldn’t help to be mellow. Her phone hadn’t rung for days. There wasn’t even an SMS from Max. She hadn’t seen him since that dinner weeks ago. Didn’t he miss her?
I miss you.
That was the single line e-mail that Christian sent her this afternoon. It was rare that he sent e-mail, knowing that he’s not the literary type at all. He’d call instead of SMS, he’d Skype instead of e-mail, that kind of thing. He preferred oral or direct communications as he’s very bad at writing.
So writing this e-mail would have required a lot of effort for him.
She smiled.
And after the coffee, she started to type furiously on her computer, replying his e-mail.
I miss you too.
Sybille was walking down the lecture hall together with the rest of the Principles of Economics students when she spotted a figure that instantly made her heart fluttered. “Max …”
Max looked up from his book, and he smiled his brightest smile. “Hey! You just finished a lecture?”
Why is Max here in the Social Sciences building? She’s couldn’t stop but wonder. Is what I’m guessing right? Is he … is he looking for me?
“What ‘hey’?” she pouted. “You didn’t contact me for weeks!”
“You didn’t contact me, either.” He replied, in a rather sad tone.
Thump! I didn’t realize … Sybille felt her cheeks reddened. I didn’t realize he’s also waiting for my call…she felt a little guilty. But what the heck? Why am I the one who has to call?
“Anyway,” Max packed his book back into his backpack and helped carrying Sybille’s thick textbooks. “Let’s have coffee together to celebrate the reunion.” He winked.
Don’t Sybille. You’ve made up your mind to stick to Christian. You can’t buckle now; you have to resist his temptation.
She sighed, and then looked up to him. “You’re paying?”
That day Sybille returned to her room at 11pm. Cora was already in her pajamas, doing some homework armed with a big mug of chamomile tea by her side. She looked up at Sybille rather curiously. “You came back unreasonably late for someone who doesn’t have any clubs or committees.” She commented. Sybille ignored the suspicions between the lines. “Was at the study room.” She replied shortly, then picked her toiletries and proceeded to bathroom.
The truth was, after the coffee, she followed Max to the study room, the place where all university students have 24 hours access, and they studied there together until late. Well, it’s more like Max was studying and she accompanied him. She couldn’t really concentrate with him being so near. Although they didn’t talk much, she was really happy to be with him for such a long time. Max was fully concentrating on his books, and she was on him. The way he read, drank coffee, sighed, the way he held his pen and wrote notes, every little detail about him hypnotized her and made her gaze fixed on him the entire time.
They had dinner break together before going back studying again until almost 11pm. Then Max walked her to her hall before going home himself.
“Today was such a good day. Thank you.” He smiled.
And Sybille was charmed.
She hesitated, but when Max started to walk away, she decided to call him. “Max!”
He turned back. “Yup?”
“…Let’s do it again?” asked her nervously. She’s worried about his response, but somehow there’s a confidence coming from somewhere.
And true, Max smiled so sweetly as a response. He went closer to her and patted her head. “Sure, anytime you want, young lady.”
After the bath Sybille checked her computer for a while. She saw a few missed calls from Christian. Crap, she’d forgotten that their promised Skype date was today. Oh well, I don’t care, she decided, then switched her computer off and went to bed.
Next to her, Cora was watching suspiciously.
Recently Sybille had been having a good mood. Her studying spirits improved dramatically well, she didn’t skip a single class, and she didn’t hole up in her bedroom all day when she didn’t have anything else to do. Instead, she’d be out there, in the study room or cafés, full of vitality and happiness.
Max was by her side, studying together almost every day after classes. They had been amazingly close. He seemed settled by the fact that she would be his studying companion until exams, a fact that made her full of joy. She had forgotten about Christian altogether. Her head was full of one and only person, that handsome, charming guy who’d recently spent almost all his time together with her. They were de facto a couple already, she thought. It was just a matter of time until he asked her out officially.
Of course this new habit had not escaped Cora’s attention. Sybille was very careful not to mention who her studying companion was, or why she never seemed to have time to eat together with Cora anymore nowadays. She wanted to be alone for better concentration, she had reasoned. Although she didn’t think Cora fully believed her, at least she didn’t ask further question.
“Christian Skyped me again,” Cora looked at her suspiciously as Sybille opened the room door after another all day studying session with Max at study room. “You’ve broken the promised dates for so many times, and ignored him for a few weeks already. He’s extremely worried. He thought you were sick or something.” Her gaze to Sybille was more accusative than the tone that she used.
But Sybille didn’t care about Christian since a long time ago. In fact, she started to feel bothered by him. “Tell him I’m studying.”
“Are you a moron? Of course I’m not gonna lie for your sake.” Cora retorted.
This made Sybille throw an angry look at her. “Wh
at do you mean? Of course I’m really studying.”
“I’m starting to doubt that. You’ve never been so serious about studies before. And since when you picked that habit of going to study room to study. Something is definitely going on.” Cora’s accusative tone was getting stronger.
Sybille lost her temper. “What, am I not allowed to pick new habit? Who are you? My creator?”
“If you are really clean, you should be able to at least e-mail Christian to tell him that you’re busy, instead of ignoring him altogether all this time. It’s like, you’re afraid to face him.”
It’s true. She’s afraid to face him, because she’d been cheating on him all the time he was waiting for her on the other side of the globe. What should she do? She was kind of hoping Christian would finally forget about her if she ignored him long enough, so she didn’t need to admit that she’d fallen for someone else.
Cora inched closer and looked straight into her eyes. “Did you cheat on him?”
That was the final straw. Sybille turned around, trying to hide her embarrassed look from her. She distracted herself by gathering up her toiletries for the bath.
But Cora couldn’t be fooled anymore. She shook her head, with disgusted look on her face. “I don’t fucking believe it.” Her tone was thick with disappointment. “Why did you do it, Sybille? Where’s your self-respect?”
“Stop judging me like you’re so holy!” retorted Sybille, still trying to put up some defense.
“I don’t care whom you fell for, but at least be woman and make up your mind on one guy!” Cora shouted. “Keeping a guy hanging while falling for another guy … what are you, 12 years old?”
That’s it. Sybille had enough. She dropped her toiletries and proceeded straight to her computer. Her e-mail for Christian was short and clear.
I’m sorry, I met someone else. Let’s break up.
Cora stood there, speechless.
The following days proved to be very hard for Sybille. Christian tried to call her phone thousand times (she had switched off her Skype) and even sent her numerous e-mails when the calls were ignored, from the confused ‘Is this a joke?’ to straight rage ‘Why the hell are you fucking doing this to me?????’
Sybille ignored all of them, didn’t even read them as she was afraid that she would be hurt by his words. She didn’t see that after a while his e-mails had toned down on the rage and more to sadness. ‘Please come back.’ ‘Choose me. Give me another chance.’ ‘I will quit my part time job and come back during summer break if you want me to.’
Those e-mails went straight down to trash bin without being read. She had made her decision.
It was cold war with Cora too. She was annoyed because Christian kept bothering her too as he dug out more information about what actually happened to Sybille. Her inbox was flooded by his e-mails asking for explanations (she too had switched off her Skype, thanks to his persistent calls). As a result, she blamed it on Sybille. Especially after Sybille chose to stay mum and kept the detailed story about her newfound love a secret from her, though it’s not hard to guess.
This whole situation started to take its toll on Sybille’s nerves. She wanted so badly to move on from this mess and be happy with Max ever after. They still kept their study dates as before, Max obviously not knowing the whole drama in her recent life. Damn, he probably didn’t realize the whirlwind ride he had taken Sybille’s heart on all this while! Sybille stared at his studying face in agony. When are you going to take me to the next step, Max? Her heart ached with longing. Come on, take me. Fly me up the clouds. Make me happy. “I’m waiting …”
Surprised, Max looked up from the books. “For what?” he asked confusedly.
For the time when you’d say you love me, she replied at heart. If only she’s brave enough to tell him that.
“Dinner! Isn’t it time?” said her instead, trying to put on cheerful look.
Max grinned widely. He put down his pen. “You’re right. Let’s go.” They walked out together. As usual, he would open the door and let Sybille out first before him.
They had a good time during dinner at the canteen nearby the study room. Max cracked some jokes, and they talked about things from news to celebrity gossips. It lifted her mood for a while. She felt happy again.
As Max was walking her back to her hall after the study session, the idea just came up. She wanted to know Max’s true feelings for her, under the façade of his niceness.
“Hey Max…”
“Yup?”
She hesitated a little. This is embarrassing. “Do you … have a girlfriend?”
Now he looked at her strangely. She couldn’t figure out what it meant. “No,” he answered, with some meaningful smile on his good looking face.
He doesn’t! Her heart was beating so hard.
“Is there somebody you like?” She was getting brave.
He let out nervous laugh. “Why all of sudden?”
This was not the response she was expecting. A sense of panic started to creep into her veins. “There is, isn’t it?” she felt like she was going to die. “Do I know her?”
“Are we gossiping about me, now?” he tried to crack a joke.
But it wasn’t funny. She wanted to know the truth. She’s tired of beating around the bushes. Enough of guessing, dreaming, wishing and hoping, she thought. She was put up on the clouds long enough. Now she wanted to come back down to earth.
She looked away to hide her red face. “Well, I do like someone though.”
“You do?” his voice implied piqued interest.
“Yes, you can probably guess who he is.” She looked back at him, suddenly feeling so shy and smiled sheepishly. “I like you, you know.” It came out so much more easily than she had previously thought.
Max stopped his steps. He looked more surprised than what Sybille imagined him would have been. For a while, there were no words escaped his lips. They stood awkwardly, in the middle of the dark, for a long time.
“Well…” he started to break the silence. “Well I guess … I’m surprised..”
Tears started to well up in the corner of Sybille’s eyes. “Why?” she croaked. “Wouldn’t you have expected it, after you kept treating me like a princess?”
He looked back at her; drawing slight guilt on his face.
This was not the reaction she expected at all. She shook her head. “No, don’t feel guilty...” she pleaded. “Don’t say that all those sweetness and friendliness mean nothing…”
“Sybille…”
“Is that how you always treat other people?” she raised her voice. “Waiting for her, spending most of your days and having all your meals with her? Do you think it’s what normal people do??”
“Listen…” he reached her arm, trying to calm her down. “I mean … of course I like you a lot. I enjoyed spending a lot of time with you.” Sybille a little calmed down by his answer.
“This is my fault indeed … I had bad habit of being very nice to everybody, and I couldn’t resist helping beautiful damsel in distress…” he continued rattling on, restarting Sybille’s alert again.
“I’m not sure if I love you…Sybille…if that’s what you are asking for…”
Sybille stood there, paralyzed. The bomb was dropped so suddenly, when she was expecting paradise to happen. She didn’t know what to say. “What … what do you mean?” her body started shaking.
“I…I like spending time with you a lot.” He repeated. Guilt drenched his tone. Sybille knew he was trying hard to alleviate her pain. But it didn’t make her feel better.
“But…I’m not sure about love…or even relationship…”
“Then do something about it.” Tears started rolling down her cheeks. “Please do something about it, Max…” she pleaded.
But there was nothing Max could do about it. He knew. She knew. As she waited for miracle to happen, Max just stood there, full of guilt without being able to say any word that would make her happy.
She then yanked her hand
from his grip, and ran away in tears.
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why
Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not
I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough
Graduation 2009
The auditorium was packed with the Engineering graduates. The university’s chancellor was finishing his address. Then one by one of the newly minted Bachelors of Engineering was called to the stage to receive their diploma. It was a long, long process, people were tired of waiting, but nobody was bored. Everyone was elated by the atmosphere, full of pride of their newly acquired degree and hope for the future. The families joined their children, brimmed with happiness.
After the ceremony, they congratulated each other whole-heartedly. Good friends took photos together, past crushes got their last stolen snaps, and ex-lovers were lost in nostalgia. It was a moving moment, when everybody knew that this was probably the last time some of them see each other, when every past sin was forgiven, for the sake of memories.
After mingling with his friends and family, Max looked around for somebody. Still in his toga, he started to run towards the hall he knew very well before a voice stopped him.
“Max!”
He turned around and saw the one he’s looking for was standing there, in simple blue sundress and earnest smile.
“Sybille…” he proceeded to walk closer to her. Before he could say anything, Sybille had started the conversation. “Congratulations on your graduation!” she tapped his shoulder.
He cracked a relieved smile. “Thanks…”
After that heartbreaking night, Sybille never talked or met him anymore. Then exams came, and they were busy on their own things. He didn’t contacted Sybille for fear of hurting her feelings. But the guilt had always haunted him. And today, at least before he left this university for good, he wanted to make peace with her.
