by Janice Lynn
“Mom?”
She blinked, realizing she had no idea what Ryan had been saying.
“You okay?”
Scolding herself for her lack of concentration, she met his gaze. His intelligent eyes said he saw too much and she recalled what she’d told Cathy Clark regarding Peyton.
Not quite able to keep the sadness from her eyes, she smiled softly. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m fine. It’s been a long week, that’s all.”
Ryan stared at her, fiddled with the zipper on his fleece pullover, then pinned her beneath a blue stare that was pure Daniel Travis.
“You saw him, didn’t you?”
Fear crawled up Kimberly’s spine. “Saw who?”
“My father.”
She couldn’t suppress her surprised gasp.
“Why would you ask that?” She hadn’t been lying to Daniel when she’d said that Ryan had only asked about him on one occasion. That had been not long after he’d started kindergarten and had been confronted with traditional families. He’d asked about his father, wanting to know why he didn’t have one.
“Grandma told me he left you to go to Boston.”
Grandma? Her mother and Ryan had talked about Daniel?
“That’s why you didn’t want me to go with you, wasn’t it? Because you were seeing him.”
Ryan really was too quick on the uptake for his own good.
“You did see him, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” she admitted. “I didn’t know you ever talked about your father with Grandma.”
“We talked about a lot of stuff after she got so sick.”
Near the end her mother had required twenty-four-hour care. Kimberly and Ryan had stayed the nights with her mother, but Ryan spent the late afternoons alone with his grandmother and the nurse Kimberly had hired to sit with her during work hours.
But not once had her mother mentioned telling Ryan about Daniel.
“What did she tell you?”
“That my father broke your heart and didn’t deserve you.”
Yes, that sounded like her mother.
“She was wrong.”
Ryan’s serious young face looked pinched. “You didn’t love him?”
“I loved him very much, but it was me who didn’t deserve him.”
Her son stared at her in confusion. “You’ve lost me.”
“Actually, it was more a case of thinking I didn’t deserve him, that he deserved better than what I could ever give him.” Old hurts opened and as much as she didn’t want her son to see how deep her agony went, she knew the time had come for everything to come out into the open.
“I was a nobody and Daniel was everything when we were at school. Every girl wanted him to notice her. For some reason I caught his eye during his senior year. I was a year behind him and we didn’t have classes together, but that didn’t matter. We found a way to spend as much time together as possible.” Memories flooded her mind. “I admired Daniel so much. He knew exactly what he wanted out of life. A medical degree, to work as a heart surgeon and do research. I’d never met anyone so determined to succeed.” She smiled tenderly at her son. “You’re a lot like him.”
“Don’t say that.” Ryan winced, looking very much like a little boy rather than the young man he was rapidly growing up to be. “I don’t want to be like him.”
Kimberly flinched. “Why? He’s a good man, Ryan.”
“He left you.”
She took Ryan’s hand in hers and held it tight, searching for the right words to explain what had happened all those years ago.
“I knew all along Daniel would forget me once he left for Boston,” she began. “He wrote to me, but neither of us could afford phone calls, and I grew more and more lonely.”
The letters had grown further and further apart and her loneliness had dived into depression, possibly due to her pregnancy, although she hadn’t known the cause at the time.
“When I started being sick all the time and losing weight, I just thought it was nerves, but it wasn’t. I was pregnant.”
She relived the disbelief and terror she’d felt at that time.
“I made a doctor’s appointment and found out for definite a couple of weeks before Daniel was to come home for the Christmas break. I wrote him a dozen letters, telling him, but never mailed them.” How many letters had she poured her heart into, only to crumple the pages and cry herself to sleep?
“I had to tell him in person. So I planned to tell him while he was home. Unfortunately while I was at the doctor’s I ran into one of Daniel’s mother’s friends and she must have seen the guilt on my face, because Leona called me and asked me over.”
“That must have been scary for you,” Ryan commiserated.
“Daniel’s mother never liked me. She resented me because she thought he should be spending his time on more productive things than a girl from the wrong side of town. So it really surprised me when she called. Of course, I said yes.” She’d been so hopeful that Leona had wanted to make peace, possibly because of the baby. Nothing could have been further from the truth. “She laid into me for being so selfish as to get pregnant and how could I destroy Daniel’s life like that?”
Kimberly closed her eyes.
“She sounds like a witch.”
“No.” Kimberly shook her head. Once upon a time she’d hated Leona, but she’d forgiven her long ago. “She just loved Daniel very much and wanted what was best for him.”
“If you say so.”
“If I’d told Daniel I was pregnant, he’d have quit college and come home. He’d have given up everything that was important to him because that’s the kind of man he is, Ryan. He’d have done the right thing, even if it hadn’t been what he wanted. Leona knew that, and she’d always believed I was bad for him. My getting pregnant only confirmed her suspicions as far as she was concerned.
“When it came down to it, I wasn’t what he wanted. I broke things off, telling him I’d met someone else and didn’t want to wait for someone so far away. At first he looked angry and hurt, but then…” she inhaled “…he just looked relieved, and I knew Leona was right.”
“Relieved?”
“Maybe he’d met someone else in Boston. Or maybe he realized how difficult it was to maintain a relationship from a thousand miles away. Or maybe he just realized that we weren’t meant to be.” She picked up a throw cushion and toyed with the fringe. “I’m not sure. I just know things ended that Christmas.”
“He never knew about me?”
“Not until this week.”
“You told him about me?” Ryan looked incredulous.
“Yes.”
“What did he say?” The hopeful look in his eyes undid her.
“He’s upset, Ryan.”
“Upset?” He frowned. “What’s that mean?”
“It means he has a life of his own and finding out he fathered a child fifteen years ago caught him off guard.”
Ryan crossed his arms, flexing his young jaw. “He didn’t care, did he?”
Kimberly’s heart broke at the raw emotion on her son’s face. Ryan needed Daniel to care, wanted to know his father hadn’t rejected him. “He cared, Ryan. A great deal.”
“So where is he?” Ryan looked around as if he expected to see Daniel. “If he knows about me, and he cares so much, why isn’t he here?”
“He has a busy life in Boston, Ryan.” She didn’t know what else to say. She wouldn’t undermine Daniel. Yet she didn’t understand why he hadn’t made plans to meet Ryan. “There’s something else I need to tell you, just in case.”
Suspicion entered Ryan’s eyes. “What? Does he want a paternity test or something?”
“No.” Daniel had seemed to believe her when she’d told him about Ryan being his son, but she supposed asking for a paternity test wouldn’t have been unreasonable of Daniel. “He says he’s going to fight for custody.”
Ryan’s eyes widened with a mixture of relief and denial. “No way.”
Kimberly nodded. “He wants to
get to know you, and visiting you occasionally in Atlanta isn’t enough.”
“I won’t go.”
Kimberly nodded. “I wouldn’t let him take you, Ryan, not unless it was what you wanted, but, as your father, he does have rights. Our lives may change to accommodate his place in your life.”
“No, he doesn’t have any rights,” Ryan denied, shaking his head. “He’s not a part of our lives. I don’t even know him.”
“Which is my fault,” she admitted, hugging the pillow to her. “If I’d told Daniel about my pregnancy, you’d have grown up knowing your father.”
Ryan’s jaw took on a stubborn set and he took her hand in his again, squeezing it reassuringly. “I grew up just fine.”
Love for her son spread through her. She’d been so blessed by having Ryan in her life. A blessing Daniel hadn’t known.
“Yes, but you’ve missed out on things by not having your father around.” She and Ryan had survived just fine, but was fine good enough when Ryan could have had better? Should have had better? “By not having Daniel in your life because he’s innocent in all this, Ryan. I made the decision not to tell him about you and it’s my fault you grew up without knowing your father.” She sighed. “I should have told him the truth a long time ago.”
They sat on the sofa, holding hands and quietly thinking about what had been said.
“I want to meet him.”
Kimberly glanced at her son, not surprised by his words.
“Ryan, I…” What could she say? She didn’t know Daniel’s heart? But she had seen his hurt. No matter how much he hated her, he’d never turn Ryan away. “Okay.”
“When?” Ever the doer, once a decision was made Ryan wanted things to happen pronto. In this case that wouldn’t work. Not with school, sports, and her work.
“Spring break, while you’re off school.”
About six weeks away, but the best Kimberly could offer without Ryan having to miss school.
“We can’t go next weekend?”
If she’d agree, Ryan would be packing their bags to head back to Boston tonight. Daniel needed time to adjust to the idea. She’d give him time to come to his senses so that when Ryan reached out to him, Daniel would be ready and Ryan wouldn’t be hurt.
“What about basketball?”
Ryan’s brow quirked. “What about it?”
Knowing he would persist, trying to wear her down, she changed tactics. Her son was nothing if not protective of her, and she truly couldn’t face the thought of returning to Boston again so quickly.
“I’m not up to going back to Boston and seeing Daniel again. Not this soon. I’m sorry.”
The truth if she’d ever spoken it, but if it had been the right thing for Ryan, she’d book their flights immediately. If only she knew what was in Daniel’s head, and his heart.
Resigned to the delay, Ryan leaned back on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. “You know, I heard you that night.”
Kimberly frowned. “What night?”
“The night I asked you about my father,” he clarified, causing Kimberly to place her hand over her mouth in remembered shame.
“I heard you crying,” he continued, “and I swore if I ever met the man who’d hurt you that much, I’d kill him.”
“Ryan!”
“I talked with Grandma about it the next day and she told me not to ask you about him ever again because he’d broken your heart.”
“Grandma shouldn’t have told you that.”
“Why not? It’s true.”
“I broke my own heart by being too scared to fight for what I wanted, Ryan. I wanted Daniel to fight for me, but when it came down to it, I was the one who didn’t fight. I pushed him away and expected him to somehow know how much I was hurting, to know how much I needed him to need me. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t read my mind or that he didn’t love me back.” She couldn’t let Ryan place the blame on Daniel. “I didn’t fight for his love and I lost it. That was my fault, not Daniel’s.”
And when she said the words out loud, she knew they were true.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
A MONTH later, Kimberly sat on her sofa, working on her laptop. She’d arrived home late, but Ryan was at Tyler’s. Although they’d spent the previous weekend at Tyler’s, working on a global warming project, Ryan had still gone to his friend’s following basketball every evening that week, perfecting the science project. No doubt the boys would get a top grade for it.
Glad it was Friday, she’d come home, heated up leftover soup, changed into her pajamas, and curled up on the sofa to get some work done. But an hour had gone by and she’d barely made a dent in her work.
Her mind kept drifting off to making love with Daniel on his office sofa and in her hotel room bed. She closed her eyes and felt his lips on hers, felt his hands on her body.
She ached. Ached deep inside at what might have been if life had played them a different hand. What would have happened if she hadn’t became pregnant that summer? If they’d had the opportunity to play out their relationship?
She wouldn’t have Ryan, that’s what.
Nothing was worth that sacrifice.
Five weeks had gone by and she hadn’t heard a peep out of Daniel.
She hadn’t really expected him to change his mind about her. She hoped he’d forgive her someday, but understood why he apparently couldn’t.
But she had trouble believing he’d continued to ignore Ryan.
Ignoring the fact he had a son didn’t fit with what she knew about him. Daniel wouldn’t neglect his child. Yet that was exactly what he was doing.
Each day that passed tore at her heart.
And Daniel’s lack of interest was getting to Ryan.
Not that her son complained, but he’d asked her about Daniel repeatedly in those first few days after she’d returned home. Asking her to tell him everything about their past, everything that had happened during the week she spent in Boston.
She hadn’t told him everything. But Ryan wasn’t a fool and probably saw the truth on her face when she’d edited what had happened between her and Daniel.
Ryan hungered for knowledge about his father, about how she’d cared for him.
Just last week he’d asked her point blank if she loved Daniel.
Although she hadn’t wanted to lay that burden on her son, she absolutely refused to lie to him. She did love Daniel and had admitted as much.
Ryan hadn’t asked her about Daniel since that night, but she saw how he continued to jump when the phone rang, how he avoided her eyes at times. Like he felt guilty.
She didn’t want him to feel guilty for wanting Daniel’s attention and love.
Neither did she want him to get hurt if Daniel didn’t react well to his son showing up on his doorstep in a week’s time.
She’d call on Monday, make arrangements for Ryan to meet him, for them to spend time together. If Daniel wouldn’t talk with her, she’d go through Gregory. Or Trina. Or the entire Boston Memorial Hospital staff. But she would give her son the opportunity to meet his father.
A week and she’d be back in Boston.
Face-to-face with Daniel. Because she wouldn’t leave without seeing him, without him meeting Ryan, without telling him there was no need for lawyers. Ryan could spend as much time with Daniel as he wanted or Ryan liked.
Based on Ryan’s interest in Daniel, she suspected that would be quite a lot.
She’d miss him, but she would encourage her son to enjoy each moment with Daniel.
Even Leona, if the woman wanted to be a part of Ryan’s life. Leona was Ryan’s only living grandparent. And although Leona had fertilized the seeds of doubt already in Kimberly’s mind, Leona had been protecting Daniel, doing what she’d believed right for her son.
Loving Ryan the way Kimberly did and having not always made the right decisions, she could forgive Leona for that. Although she’d never understand how the woman could have wanted her to abort Daniel’s baby. Still, all that was in the past and better
off forgotten.
But if Daniel turned Ryan away, she’d never forgive him.
Just the thought of seeing her son hurt made her livid.
Was that yet another reason she’d delayed in telling Daniel?
She sighed. Who knew all her reasons? Over the years they’d built up and time had made ignoring what had needed to be done easier and easier. She’d been wrong not to tell Daniel. She saw that now, but she didn’t regret that she’d given him the opportunity to fulfill his dream.
Only that she should have found the strength to tell him and still help him achieve his potential as a talented heart surgeon.
She heard the front door, glanced at her watch and smiled that her son had come home earlier than his ten o’clock curfew.
She’d barely seen him all week.
“I’m in here,” she called, closing down her computer program so she could spend time with him. Maybe they’d play a game of chess or just watch a movie together. “Did you and Tyler finish your science project?”
Ryan spoke, but so low she couldn’t understand what he’d said. Tyler must have come home with him. No problem as he was like a second son to her, but Ryan usually called to ask first. She wondered why he hadn’t tonight.
The moment her son and his guest stepped into the living room, she knew why her son hadn’t called.
“Daniel.”
Dressed in jeans, T-shirt, and a beat-up leather jacket, Daniel looked fabulous. And he was standing in her living room next to a younger image of himself—Ryan.
Had she not been sitting down she surely would have fainted.
“Mom, I…” Ryan looked at Daniel a bit helplessly, and the understanding that passed between them spoke volumes. The weight of the moment and what their exchange meant settled on Kimberly.
Ryan had been talking with Daniel.
“How long?” she squeaked out, trying to keep the accusation from her voice, to ignore the fact she was wearing only thin cotton pajamas and Daniel’s gaze was traveling over her curled-up form. Tingles of awareness pricked her skin, while anger raged inside her. She fought her reaction to Daniel, focusing on her anger to keep her pain at bay.
