“You really should work on your poker face,” he says.
There is a knock on the bathroom door.
“It’s time to go,” Teagan says.
“I’ve got to get off here,” I tell him.
“Okay. Have a good weekend, Phoenix. I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye.”
I end the call, feeling much better about everything.
I’m glad, after everything, that Brooks and I can still be friends.
No privacy.
“I can’t believe I have to go to a stupid high school party,” Sander says to me, as we make our way to the field. Teagan is walking with Jason. Emma is walking with Bryce. And I’m stuck with Sander, wishing my boyfriend were here.
Estaine is going to meet us there in a few minutes. He wanted to wait in his dorm room a little longer, just in case.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him.
Because I am sorry. It must suck to be in the situation that he is in—being forced to go back to high school and relive the entire experience. That’s most people’s literal nightmare, mine included.
High school has not been a good experience for me. I’m the friend who always gets dropped. Or the friend you call when your other five friends are too busy, and I’m the last resort when you’re bored. If it wasn’t for Charlie, I don’t think people at my old school would’ve talked to me at all.
Though, really, is it much different at East Raven? I mean, Teagan started talking to me because I’m her roommate. We don’t really have that much in common. And it’s because of her that I met Emma and she’s really more Teagan’s friend than she is mine. I’m still the odd girl out.
I guess Brooks is my friend. That I have done all on my own, though I nearly screwed that up, too, a few times. Or maybe it was him that screwed it up.
And I met Estaine, also because of Emma. He’s my boyfriend though, so should I really consider him a friend? If we broke up, would we still talk? The truth is I’m not sure. So really, I’m just as big a loser at East Raven as I was in Malibu.
“I will always come with you because your safety is my number one priority,” Sander says. “I just want to complain is all.”
I laugh.
“You know, you’re only... what? A year and a few months older than me?”
“One year, seven months,” he says.
Should I be scared that he knows my birthday, even though I’ve never told it to him?
Nah. To be honest, I’m more concerned with the thick file he has on me. I didn’t realize that I had done enough things in my life to acquire a thick file.
“I have a question,” I say.
“Okay,” he says, waiting for me to speak.
I stop walking, putting some more distance between us and the rest of the group. They couldn’t hear us, I know, I just wanted to look at Sander while I asked him my question.
“Am I weird?” I ask.
He looks at me, his head titled to the side. “Is this a trick question? Because I suck at picking up on subtle girl hints.”
“I’m serious.”
“Well...” he says, inhaling slowly. “I’m not sure that I am the right person to ask. I mean, you don’t get much weirder than me.”
HIs words cause me to smile. “I don’t know, Sander. You seem like... like... you probably had a lot of friends at your spy school place, you know? I’m sure all the girls had a crush on you and that all the guys wanted to be your friend.”
“I don’t think so,” he says.
“I just mean... I don’t have friends,” I say. “Not really. And I want to know what is wrong with me. Why don’t people like me?”
“People do like you,” Sander says. “You’re friends with Teagan, even though I think you can do way better than her. And you’re friends with Emma. And all those other people who sit with us that I can’t possibly be bothered to remember the names of.”
“But they’re not my friends,” I say. “They’re Teagan’s friends. And they’re Estaine’s friends. And honestly, I wonder if Estaine and I would even be friends if we weren’t dating. I mean, why does he even want to date me?”
“I’m trying to figure out if you’re doing that insecure girl thing where you pretend to call yourself fat just so somebody will tell you that you’re not,” Sander says.
“I didn’t say I was fat,” I say. “I actually think I’ve lost weight since coming here because of all the exercise I’m forced to do. But that’s beside the point.”
“Okay, then,” he says. “Yes, you are weird, but only in the best ways possible. I think maybe you close yourself off to making friends. And also, you’re kind of an intimidating person. People are afraid to approach you.”
“Afraid to approach me?”
“Trust me, people like you,” Sander says. “And I like you. To be honest, I don’t really like that many people, so you should feel honored.”
“I’m kind of confused now,” I say.
“I’m saying that you scare people away and that if you tried, you could really make friends here,” Sander says. “There isn’t anything holding you back now. No more lying, remember?”
“Yeah. No more lying,” I say, smiling to myself.
“And even if you and Estaine broke up, you’d still have the same friends, because you are an insanely nice person who forgives people, even when they do stupid, stupid things,” Sander says.
“Did you... were you...” I can’t even finish my sentence, because I don’t know how.
“Was I listening to the conversation you and Brooks had? The answer is yes. It’s my job to monitor everything,” he says.
And now I am completely furious.
Or embarrassed.
I’m not sure which.
“And I know you’re going to feel angry and upset and you have every right to feel those things, because you literally don’t have privacy right now. But I am doing everything in my power to keep you safe,” he says. “Even if it means monitoring your phone calls and texts.”
“And you thought talking to Brooks would be unsafe?” I ask.
“No,” he answers. “It’s just... I wanted to make sure that you weren’t going to make plans to run away with him or something.”
“You think I would do something stupid like that? With Brooks Remington?” I ask. “Are you insane?”
“I don’t know,” Sander says. “You are kind of impulsive at times. And you’re a teenager, so...”
“You’re a teenager, too,” I say. “So that isn’t even a good argument.”
“I suppose you’re right,” he says. “But you’re a teenager who hasn’t been trained at a top secret spy school.”
“I am so mad at you right now,” I say. “I’m going to go back to my dorm room now, just because I don’t want to be around you right now.”
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“I know.”
And I will forgive him.
Eventually.
Until then, I am going to write angry tweets.
Then I realize I can’t even get on social media and that only makes me angrier.
Stupid terrorists.
Saturday, September 16
Something is wrong.
Last night, Estaine came to my dorm and hung out for about thirty minutes. I think he was scared to get caught out of his dorm, not that I blame him, so he headed back pretty quickly. He’s in a lot of trouble and is on probation. If he gets in trouble for the rest of the semester, he will be expelled from the school. Though, if I’m being honest, I think it’s an empty threat. The dean would never expel Estaine.
On Saturday morning, I am woken up by Sander standing over my bed, which scares the crap out of me.
I put a hand over my heart.
“What the heck, Sander? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”
“You need to come with me,” he says.
This causes my heart to beat even faster. “What’s wrong?”
“Get dressed as quickly as you can,
” he says, not answering my question. “I’ll be waiting in the hall.”
He walks towards the door and I don’t move until I hear the door click. As soon as it does, I jump up and start getting ready. I look over to Teagan’s bed and see that it’s empty. She probably stayed with Emma last night, which is good. I don’t know what I would tell her about the fact that I am currently panicking.
Something is wrong and I know it.
All these thoughts keep running through my head—Mom, Dad, Charlie, Nora, Rick, the baby... I am just praying that they are all okay. I get ready in record time and walk out the door without even brushing my hair. I’ve got a rubber band on my wrist and I plan on putting my hair up on the way.
“What’s wrong?” I ask Sander.
“Let’s go,” he says, walking forward, still not answering my question.
“Is it... Charlie?”
“No,” Sander says. “Your family is safe.”
His words make me breathe easier.
My family is safe.
“Thank God,” I say.
But the silence that is met after I say that worries me. What if somebody else was killed because of me? What if there was another school shooting, like in Texas? And even though I am relieved that my family is okay, I’m panicking all over again for a new reason.
Something is wrong.
Oh, my gosh. What if the terrorists found me? What if they’re on their way here right now?
No. If that were the case, Sander wouldn’t have waited for me to get dressed and ready.
I just keep breathing as we get in my car. Sander gets into the driver’s seat. I take the opportunity to put my hair up as we drive over there. I hate the silence in the car. It feels heavy. And I have a feeling that whatever I am about to find out is not going to be good.
When we get to Uncle Matty and Jake’s house, Sander doesn’t get out right away. He just turns to look at me.
“You’re scaring me,” I tell him.
“I’m sorry, Phoenix,” he says. “I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry about what?”
He reaches for the door. “Let’s go inside.”
My heart is racing as we get out of the car and head inside. Both Uncle Matty and Jake are standing in the living room. When they ask me to sit down, I can barely breathe. I’m about to have a full blown panic attack.
“Somebody needs to tell me what is going on,” I say.
Uncle Matty and Jake are both standing there. Sander comes and sits down beside me.
“Sander, maybe you should,” Uncle Matty says. “She likes you best.”
I turn to Sander. “Please, just tell me.”
I am hoping that it’s not as bad as they’re making it out to be. But then again, how could it not be? I know that whatever Sander is supposed to tell me will change my life forever, and I’m scared.
“Phoenix,” Sander says, turning towards me. “Early this morning, they found Brooks Remington’s car upside down in a ditch.”
“But he’s okay, right?” I ask, because he has to be okay. It’s Brooks. I just talked to him yesterday.
“The accident didn’t kill him,” he says.
My body sags in relief. “So, he will be okay.”
“Somebody slit his throat, Phoenix. Brooks is dead,” Sander says.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “Why would somebody want to kill Brooks?”
“It was them. The men who are looking for you,” he says.
“He’s... dead?” I ask. “Brooks is dead?”
“Yes,” he answer.
“And it’s my fault,” I say.
Brooks is dead.
The words... even though they were spoken... don’t really sink in. Because I talked to him on the phone yesterday. He was going home for the weekend so he could see his family. We were supposed to hangout when he got back.
Brooks Remington is my friend.
My first crush.
The first guy I ever went out on a date with.
I guess, technically, he was also the first guy I ever kissed.
But now, he’s dead.
And as I truly realize that he’s gone... well, I lose it.
Brooks is dead.
No way out.
Sander and I don’t leave Uncle Matty and Jake’s house until after lunch time. I cried, of course, but I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would. Mostly, I just feel... numb. And empty. The world is a darker place with Brooks.
“You want to go see Estaine?” Sander asks.
“No,” I answer. “I want to go to my dorm.”
He seems surprised by my answer. And honestly, I’m surprised too. I’m upset and I usually want to see Estaine when I’m upset. But I just can’t face him right now. I don’t know why, either.
Sander walks me to my dorm and tells me to call if I need him. I tell him I will, but if I’m being honest, I’m not sure what I need right now.
When I walk inside, I see Teagan sitting on her bed. She’s doing something on her computer, but she looks up when she sees me. She smiles and looks back down at her computer, but then she looks up again.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, shutting the lid on her laptop.
“Everything,” I say, and then I lose it again. I start crying.
“Did you and Estaine have a fight?” she asks, walking over to me.
I shake my head, until able to form the words to tell her.
“Do you want me to call Estaine?” she asks.
I shake my head again. “Brooks...”
“Brooks?” she asks. “You want me to call Brooks?”
I wish I could call Brooks. I wish I could hear his voice one last time. I wish I could tell him that I’m sorry.
“He’s dead,” I say.
“Brooks is dead?” she asks, clearly confused.
I nod.
“Brooks Remington?”
“He’s dead, Teagan,” I say. “Brooks Remington is dead.”
As soon as I say the words, she starts crying, too. She’s gone to this school since freshman year, so she’s known Brooks longer than I have. Of course she is upset about him passing away.
I wonder what she’d think if she knew it was my fault.
So, I decide to tell her, because I feel so guilty and I need somebody to know.
“It’s my fault,” I say.
“What do you mean it’s your fault?” she asks.
Teagan grabs a couple of tissues from a box on her nightstand. She hands me one.
“The people who killed him... they were looking for me,” I say.
“It isn’t your fault,” she says. “I don’t know who is looking for you, but they’re obviously sick people. It is not your fault.”
Her words give me so much relief. I don’t agree with them, but I’m glad that she doesn’t blame me.
“How did they even know that Brooks knows you?” she asks.
“The video,” I answer. “The baseball game.”
“Oh,” she says. “Wait, Estaine was in that video, too.”
I nod.
“Does that mean he’s in danger too?” she asks.
It’s then that I begin to panic even more.
I hadn’t even considered that possibility... that Estaine would be in danger, too.
“I don’t know,” I answer. “I guess it does. I don’t want Estaine to die, too. I didn’t want Brooks to die. What am I supposed to do?”
But Teagan doesn’t have an answer for me. How could she?
I am in an impossible situation and I honestly don’t see a way out of it.
“I am sorry this is happening to you,” Teagan says.
“Don’t feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for Brooks. And for his family,” I say. “If it wasn’t for me, he would still be alive. How am I supposed to live with this guilt?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, so don’t feel guilty,” she says. “What happened was a tragedy.”
She says it, but I know we’re both thinking the same thing...
Is he going to be next?
Certain.
I can’t sleep that night.
I spent the rest of the afternoon with Teagan. The two of us stayed in our dorm room, alone. Nobody else on campus had heard the news about Brooks, yet, and the two of us had clearly been crying. So we stayed in, ate pizza, and watched a movie. Though we really didn’t watch too much of the movie. Instead, we talked about Brooks and the happy memories we have of him.
Estaine tried to call me a couple of times, but I just sent his calls to voicemail. I sent him a text to let him know that I was having a girl’s day with Teagan, so he wouldn’t worry. But really, I just couldn’t talk to him. I can’t hear his voice right now. I am really glad that he isn’t allowed to leave his dorm for now, because I don’t think I could handle seeing him face to face.
What if Estaine is next? Or what if it had been Estaine?
Estaine’s face wasn’t as clearly seen in the video as Brooks’ was. Honestly, if you didn’t know who Estaine was, you might not recognize him. So, I take comfort in that. Maybe the terrorists don’t know who Estaine is.
But what about next time? What if somehow, a picture of him with me is put on the internet? I don’t want him to die because of me.
I could always break up with him.
My heart doesn’t immediately reject the idea, which surprises me. Does that mean I’m supposed to do that? That I am supposed to break up with him?
I look over at Teagan’s bed. She is sound asleep and I don’t want to wake her up, but I need to talk about this with somebody. I don’t want to hastily break up with Estaine and regret it, but I also don’t want to not break up with him and regret it more. I can’t let what happened to Brooks happen to him, too.
Slowly, I get out of my bed and slip on my shoes. It’s after curfew, so I go over to my window and slide it up slowly. It makes a noise, so I look over at Teagan. She’s still asleep. I finish opening it and then climb out.
Sander would kill me if he knew I was sneaking out. But then again, I’m sneaking out to see him, so I guess he will know soon.
Never Ever (East Raven Academy Book 2) Page 11
