“What’s with you?” Charlie asks, as I, basically, push him into my room, and shut the door behind me.
“I need to talk to you,” I say, keeping my voice low.
“Why are you whispering?” he asks.
“Sander kissed me last night,” I tell him, still keeping my voice low.
“No way,” he says. “Sander kissed you?”
“Shh!” I say, putting a finger to his lips. “Yes. He kissed me.”
“And you kissed him back?”
“Maybe,” I say, not admitting to anything. Not yet anyway. I need to know how Charlie is going to react before I admit to anything.
“I know you did,” he says. “You have a crush on the guy. I’ve known that since the day I arrived. I wasn’t sure if he felt the same. I’m glad he does.”
“He doesn’t,” I say. “He doesn’t like me like that. He only kissed me to prove a point. And now I don’t know what to do. Things are going to be so awkward and I don’t know how to act around him.”
He laughs.
“It’s not funny,” I say, playfully pushing his shoulder. “This is an absolute disaster.”
“How was the kiss?” Charlie asks.
I sigh, just thinking about it. “Amazing. And definitely unexpected.”
“Okay,” he says. “So he just walked up to you and kissed you?”
“Pretty much,” I say. “Well, we might’ve been fighting first. I kind of pushed him into the lake. And then I ran away. And he was pissed. Then he kissed me while I was talking. I was mid-sentence. I almost pushed him away because I was shocked, then I thought this might be my only chance to kiss him, so I did.”
“See,” he says. “I told you that you liked him.”
“I do like him,” I say, playing with the end of my hair. “But I can’t like him, Charlie. He’s... older. Hotter. And way out of my league. I am just going to end up getting my heart broken. I know he doesn’t feel the same way as I do.”
“He kissed you. Guys don’t just kiss a girl they don’t like,” he says.
“No. You don’t understand,” I say, then take a deep breath. How can I explain what happened without sounding stupid? “Okay, so you know how, on Wednesday night, Austin asked me out on a date?”
“No,” Charlie says. “Who is Austin?”
“Some senior boy,” I say, waving a hand. “He’s cute, but that’s not important. Anyway, he asked me out in front of Sander. And I didn’t exactly know how to turn him down, so Sander came to my rescue and he told Austin that I can’t go out with him on a date because I’m dating him.”
“Right,” he says. “And Sander said that to help you?”
“Yes.”
“Or he said it because he was jealous.”
“No,” I say. “Why would Sander be jealous? Have you seen the guy? He’s unbelievably hot, and no guy here could ever compare.”
“Ah, so you admit that you’re in love?”
“I said nothing about love,” I say, my eyes widening. “I said he’s hot. Which means I like looking at him. I definitely don’t love him. I’m not even sure that I like him.”
“Continue your story about the kid who asked you out,” Charlie says.
“Oh. Well, the next day, everybody had heard that Sander and I were together,” I say. “You know, ’cause Austin told people. And I couldn’t think of a way to lie my way out of it, so I told everybody that Sander and I were dating. I didn’t think he’d mind. I figured it would make everything easier.”
“Except not easier,” Charlie says. “Now everybody is going to expect you guys to be making out all the time.”
“I didn’t think of that,” I say. “But he did. And somehow the conversation got around to him being scared to kiss me. Well, at least I accused him of being scared. I was joking though.”
He smiles. “That’s why he kissed you?”
“No. He said he wasn’t scared to kiss me, he just didn’t want to kiss me,” I say, now frowning at the memory.
“Then what happened?”
“I pushed him into the lake and ran away,” I say.
Charlie laughs. “I shouldn’t laugh. But I don’t blame you. If I were in your shoes, I probably would’ve done the same thing. But don’t do it again. You’re not safe and you need to stick with Sander.”
“I know,” I say. “Anyway, I ran back here. And eventually Sander found me. He was mad because he couldn’t figure out why I pushed him in the lake. Then I explained that he hurt my feelings. And then he accused me of wanting to kiss him. Which I denied. Then he kissed me.”
“How was the kiss?” he asks.
“Do other brothers and sisters talk about their dating escapades?” I ask.
“Who cares what other brothers and sisters do?” he asks. “We are us and I want to know how the kiss was.”
“It was incredible,” I say. “And now I’m wondering how many girls he has kissed, because it was perfect.”
“You want to kiss him again?”
“More than anything.”
“I told you, you’ve got it bad,” Charlie says.
“I do,” I say, not denying it this time. “What am I supposed to do about it? He’s my bodyguard, and I can’t exactly do anything about this crush.”
“I’m not sure. But it certainly is going to be fun watching you try to figure it out.”
“You’re the worst big brother, ever,” I say.
“I love you, too, little sis.”
Instinct.
“Where were you today?” Teagan asks, when Charlie, Sander and I walk into the clearing later that night. It’s after curfew now. I’ve been hanging out at Uncle Matty and Jake’s house all day. I only left because Charlie begged me to.
Also, I needed to get out of that house.
Things between Sander and I have been... awkward. And Charlie keeps making these cryptic comments that make it worse.
“I was sick,” I say.
“Oh,” she says, then looks behind me. “And you two were sick, too?”
They both nod.
“Right,” she says.
I just smile.
“Oh, it must have to do with the whole secret identity thing,” she says. “Fine, I will just have to wait until you are allowed to tell me.”
“Thanks,” I say.
“I need to talk to you,” she says. “I did something really stupid.”
“Define stupid,” I say.
“I told Estaine that I’m in love with him.”
My eyes widen. “No.”
“Yes.”
“You can’t just tell a guy that you love him,” I say. “Boys are scared of the L-word.”
“That’s just me, Sis,” Charlie says. “Catch you guys later.”
Charlie walks around us, walking right up to a group of girls who are standing kind of close by. He’s quite the ladies’ man. Glad to see that nothing has changed there.
“Thinking back, maybe love was a bit strong of a word to use,” she says.
“You think?” I ask, not bothering to hide the sarcasm. “What did he say after your confession?”
She groans. “It was awful, Phoenix. He told me that he’s still in love with you and that he’s not ready for a relationship with anybody else.”
“Love? He said love?” I ask.
She nods.
“No,” I say, putting my arm over my face. I want to hide. Forever.
“Did you not know?”
“No,” I answer. “He never told me that he was in love with me. And I’m definitely not in love with him. I never was. I mean, I wanted to be. Things would be a lot easier if I was, but I’m just not.”
She looks from me to Sander. “Do you have to be here for this conversation?”
“Yep,” Sander says.
“Right,” she says, turning back to me. “It’s not your fault that you’re in love with Sander. Estaine never stood a chance, really. Especially not after he showed up.”
My face grows warm at her comment.
Love.
Gosh, I hate that word right now.
“Your face is bright red,” Teagan says, then grins. “Oh, my gosh. You haven’t told him yet?”
I clear my throat. “You know, I should probably talk to Estaine.”
“Probably,” she says. “But maybe not mention our conversation.”
I just nod and walk away, because, what else am I supposed to do?
“Please, just pretend you never heard that conversation,” I say to Sander.
“I’m enjoying this immensely,” he says.
“Glad my pain brings you so much pleasure,” I say.
Sander puts his hand on my arm, so I stop and turn to him.
“I will try to keep my distance while you talk to your ex-boyfriend,” he says.
“Thank you,” I say.
“Look, last night shouldn’t have happened,” he says.
“But it did happen,” I say.
“I’m just saying, if you decide you want to date Estaine again, I would understand.”
“You’re the one who told me I shouldn’t say yes to a guy I have lukewarm feelings for,” I say. “Estaine isn’t the guy for me. I know that now. I just got confused for a little bit. I blame Brooks. Though, to be fair, what I felt for Brooks was never love. Just attraction.”
“That’s called lust,” Sander says.
I smile at his comment. “Really? Is that what you feel for me?”
“No,” he says. “What I feel for you is much more dangerous than lust. I wish I felt lust for you, because that would make this all a whole lot less complicated.”
He doesn’t say anything else and I’m left wondering what that means.
I spot Estaine standing by the bonfire. He’s standing there alone and he looks a little bit sad. I feel so guilty, knowing that I most likely caused some of his sadness. I wish Sander would’ve been around to give me dating advice before I ever dated Estaine. Maybe that would’ve stopped all this... craziness.
“Hey,” Estaine says, once he notices me.
“Hi,” I say back.
“Your bodyguard is giving you space today?” he asks.
I look behind me and see that Sander is watching me from quite a few feet away. Far enough that he definitely won’t be able to hear our conversation, which is a relief. I don’t want Sander to hear my conversation with my ex. That would make things even more awkward than it already is.
“Looks like it,” I say. “Teagan said she confessed her feelings for you.”
Estaine cringes. “Yeah. She did.”
“That bad?”
“No,” he says. “I mean, I like Teagan. I just don’t like her the same way she likes me.”
“Yeah,” I say, knowing exactly what he means.
“I hate that I hurt her feelings,” he says.
“You can’t help how you feel,” I say, hoping that he realizes I feel the same way about him.
“I’m guessing she told you what my response was.”
I nod, not quite meeting his eyes. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to that.
“How do you feel about that?” he asks.
“I don’t feel the same way as you,” I tell him. “I actually kind of have feelings for somebody else.”
I probably shouldn’t have said that last part.
“Who?” Estaine asks. “It’s not Austin, right?”
“No. No,” I say, shaking my head. “I shouldn’t even be telling you this, but I’m hoping that maybe this will help you move on.”
“Who do you have feelings for, Phoenix?” he asks, now taking a step closer.
“What does it matter?” I ask.
“It matters to me,” he says.
“Just move on, Estaine,” I say. “Please.”
I take a step back, away from him, but he steps forward again.
“Are you seriously doing this to me?” he asks. “You expect me to watch you with another guy on campus? You expect me to sit back while you hold his hand and kiss him? It’s supposed to be you and me.”
I take another step back, needing to put space between us. “Estaine, you’re acting a little crazy right now.”
He steps back, looking as if I’ve slapped him. “You think that?”
“I don’t feel the same about you as you do about me,” I say, trying to be direct, but not hurt his feelings. “Kind of like how you are with Teagan.”
“Except, I’ve never dated Teagan, or led her on,” he says. “I’ve been honest with her about my feelings.”
“I never should’ve said yes to you,” I say. “I thought I liked you. And I do like you, but only as a friend. I didn’t realize just how friendly my feelings were for you until I kissed...” I pause, not wanting to say Sander’s name.
“You kissed somebody else?” Estaine asks.
I nod. I can’t take back saying it. And maybe I shouldn’t have said it to begin with, but I can’t tell him who. He wouldn’t understand. Especially considering there is no way Sander feels the same way I do.
Estaine takes a step closer to me again, and I wonder what he’s doing. He has a determined look in his eyes and his gaze is focused on me. He puts his hands on my arms and pulls me closer. I don’t fight because I still have no clue what is happening. I don’t realize until he puts his lips against mine.
I’m stunned for only a second. Then I try to pull away from him, but he just tightens his grip. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want him to kiss me. Out of instinct, I use my training and bring my knee up to his groin and then push him away.
Estaine bends over, clearly in a lot of pain.
I put a hand over my mouth in shock.
I can’t believe I did that.
“Are you okay?” Sander asks me.
“I think you should probably ask him that,” I say, pointing to Estaine. “I can’t believe I did that.”
Sander walks over to Estaine, and I notice there is now a crowd forming around us.
“If you touch her again, I’ll be the one hurting you,” Sander says.
Estaine looks up at Sander, clearly terrified of the threat.
Sander doesn’t wait around though. He walks over to me, putting an arm around me, and the two of us walk off together. I’m still stunned.
And I feel guilty.
So guilty.
“I can’t believe I did that,” I say, once again.
“That was amazing,” he says. “You were absolutely incredible.”
I come to a stop. We’re just outside of the clearing. Nobody can see us here, which is good. I don’t want people looking at me.
I lower my head. “I hurt him. Again.”
Sander puts a finger under my chin and gently nudges me so that I’m looking up.
“You followed your instincts,” he says. “You did exactly what you were trained to do. Estaine wouldn’t stop kissing you when you pushed him away, so you made him stop. And I am so proud of you. Plus, he’s lucky. I was about to step in and I would’ve hurt him a lot worse.”
That makes me smile. Not because I want Estaine to be hurt. It’s just that I like the thought of Sander standing up for me.
“I can’t believe he did that,” I say.
“What did you tell him?”
“That I wasn’t in love with him and that he should move on,” I say, then bite my lip. “I might’ve also mentioned something about kissing somebody else. But I didn’t tell him it was you.”
“Phoenix...”
“I know. I shouldn’t have,” I say, biting the side of my lip. “I just wanted him to move on, and I thought it would help him.”
“You know what happened last night can’t happen again,” he says.
But he’s not looking me in the eyes. He’s looking at my lips. Which shocks me, because I honestly didn’t think he would want to kiss me again. But now I kind of think he wants to.
“No, of course not,” I say, licking my lips. “I mean, you’re my bodyguard. You only did it... because you w
ant to prove I’m not gross. Which, by the way, totally worked.”
“Yeah,” he says, looking me in the eye again.
“And you’re older. So...”
“Not by that much,” he says.
I smile at that.
He’s right.
“And why would you want to kiss somebody like me again, anyway?” I ask. “I mean, you’re... kind of amazing. And I’m so ordinary compared to you.”
He takes a step closer. “Is that what you think of yourself?”
“How can I not?” I ask. “Sander, you live this amazing life. And me, when this is all over, I’m going to go home. I’m going to go to college. I’m going to live a mundane life. And you are going to go on to... well, wherever it is you’re going to go on to... and you’re going to change the world. You’re going to make a difference.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way,” Sander says. “You’re special. You can make a difference too. You can do whatever you want to do.”
I shrug. “No matter what I do, it won’t be nearly as amazing as what you’re going to do.”
“That’s not true,” he says. “After this is over... I can’t imagine...”
“Can’t imagine what?” I ask.
He turns away from me. “Nothing. Come on. I need to get you back to Matt and Jake’s house.”
“I’m going back there?” I ask, trying not to sound disappointed that Sander turned away from me. Part of me was hoping he would kiss me again. But why would he?
“Yeah. Tomorrow I’m going to bring Hunter and Jaxon over to meet you,” he says. “They’ve promised to be nice and try not to scare you.”
I laugh.
But still...
He wants me to meet his friends. That’s got to mean something, right?
“Keep up, slow poke,” Sander says, from ahead of me.
Maybe having a bodyguard isn’t all that bad. Especially when my bodyguard looks like him.
“I’m coming,” I say, running to catch up.
Sander and I, we’re gonna be okay.
Saturday, September 23
Off limits.
I wake up with a text from Teagan. She’s wondering where I am, since I haven’t been in our dorm for two nights in a row. I send her a quick text to let her know I had to leave campus. Charlie stayed here, too, so at least I have him to keep me occupied.
Never Ever (East Raven Academy Book 2) Page 18
