“And still do?”
“I don’t give a damn about that man. I would kill him if I could, just to see you safe.”
“Jason!” Amanda reached up, her hand shaking violently. She set her palm on his cheek. He captured it in his own hand, holding it there, against his cheek. He closed his eyes and savored her touch. Praying that he’d remember what her skin felt like, smelled like, for whatever life he had left.
“I’m serious. You have to go, Amanda. You have to get your mother and our son and get the hell out of Colorado.”
“Where would I go?”
“To Canada. Ricci wants me and me alone. If you’re here, he’ll use you against me. He may have men, even now, trying to find our son, once he knows I have one. Please, you have to leave. You have to go where it’s safe until I come and find you. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.”
“And what about you? You’re just going to wait here until Ricci shows up and what? Sacrifice yourself.”
Jason slowly shook his head. “I have no plans on going down without a fight. The fight of Ricci’s life.”
“Are you going to kill him? You think that spending the rest of your life in a damn jail cell is going to make me happy?”
“No. Not happy. There is no happiness left in the world after tonight. All I care about is that you and my son are safe. Safe and away from me.”
“Until you find me. You said you would find me, Jason.”
“Yes.” He gripped her hand in his while he watched horror creep back into her eyes. It replaced the sorrow that was already there, which was so much worse. “This is what I bring into life. Pain. Grief. Regret. I should never have let you close to me. Never, Amanda. I made a mistake. I thought I could have a regular life. I thought I could love you. I took a chance and I can’t stand that you are going to pay for my mistakes. You have to promise me you’ll leave and get to safety.”
“When? When, Jason?”
“Tonight. Now. You need to go as soon as you can. Get a head start. Be long gone by the time Ricci shows up.”
“I’m not leaving,” Amanda said firmly. Her eyes never wavered. A hard, determined resolution came into them.
“You have to. For our son, if not yourself. He’s six months old, Amanda.”
Raw pain flooded her emerald eyes. They sparkled like true gemstones. Sparkled with loss and love and the hardest battle she’d ever had to enter into.
She blinked and when the tears came, he knew he had won. She would go. She would save their son.
Chapter 8
An Inner Strength
Amanda
“Love me,” Amanda commanded harshly, not an ounce of gentleness in her tone. She had no room in her soul for gentleness or tenderness, at least not in that moment. She knew she wouldn’t survive if she let herself feel any of her bleeding soul. She had to be strong, stronger than she’d ever known, if she was going to make it out of this alive.
“Amanda…”
“One last time.” Scalding tears flooded her cheeks. She swiped at them angrily. “Then I’ll go.”
She knew now that Jason was a fighter. The strongest man she’d ever known, physically, mentally. He’d survived an entire lifetime of abuse. He’d somehow made it through, somehow dared to take a chance on a heart that he shouldn’t have even had after what had been done to him. She was his chance, his so called mistake, his guilt and his passion and all he’d ever wanted wrapped up into one.
If she was going, she wouldn’t let him forget her. She’d leave her soul with him. If he died, she’d die with him, not her body, but the part of herself that truly mattered.
“You’ll go in the morning,” Jason conceded, his eyes cutting her to the quick. “We have these last few hours.”
“Make them count then,” she begged.
“You need to sleep before you go.”
“I’ll sleep, but only if you do this first. Then I promise I’ll rest.”
“This isn’t goodbye,” Jason said roughly.
Amanda was amazed to see him blink rapidly. The sheen of moisture in his eyes belied his words. “This isn’t goodbye,” she echoed. “But I need this. We both need this.”
His hands slowly started to work away the buttons on his shirt. She knew she’d won. He would do this for her. Because she was right. They both needed it, because, no matter what Jason said, it might very well be their last night together.
She slipped off her own shirt, her jeans, her panties and socks. She couldn’t get them off fast enough. It was maddening that her fingers felt wooden, nearly refusing to move or function properly.
Finally they were naked, facing each other in the darkened room. Amanda’s eyes were well adjusted and there was just enough light from the moon filtering through the window that she could see the absolute devastation on Jason’s face.
He knows it too. That this could be the last time.
She froze when he closed the distance, finally starting it, starting what she couldn’t make her mind rethink-a final goodbye. He reached out and gently, like the whisper of the stiff fall breeze that blew outside, caressed her cheek.
“I’ve never seen a woman more beautiful,” he said huskily as he dipped his head. His face was just inches from hers, yet neither of them moved. His hand moved down, tracing the line of her jaw and her chin before skimming up to brush her lips.
Amanda moaned as his thumb pressed down on her bottom lip. Her mouth fell open, but his hand moved away, already tracing lower, skimming over her chin again, down her neck, over her collar bones, to her breasts.
Her breath escaped in a hard rush as his thumb and index finger worked her nipple, circling, pinching, plying. She arched her back, thrusting her breast into Jason’s calloused hand. His warmth leached into her skin and she vowed that she wouldn’t forget. She wouldn’t forget the feel of his touch, his fingers sure and strong, the callouses there the perfect amount of rough abrasion. She wouldn’t forget just the way he circled, caressed, stroked. He pulled the passion from her body in ways she hadn’t ever known possible. She would remember each and every sound, his moans, his breath. She’d cherish this time, this night, for the rest of her life.
It was true. If something was taken, ripped from you, it became infinitely precious. The memories, the shared moments, they would have to sustain her for a lifetime.
Jason bent his head and lapped at her nipple, his tongue and mouth so very warm and wet and luxurious. Amanda threaded the fingers of her right hand through Jason’s thick, dark hair. It was so soft, so smooth. How long had it been since she noticed the exact texture?
Her senses were heightened, like she’d been blinded or deafened, the others made up for the one she’d lost. Except in this case she hadn’t lost her senses. No, she’d lost Jason’s. Everything that was him, everything that made him who he was, that made him the man she loved.
His name isn’t even Jason.
She didn’t feel betrayed by his past or his deception. She knew he loved her. That meant not telling her about a life that broke her heart. It broke her because she did love him. She knew she always would, no matter his name or his past. He didn’t doubt her. He just wanted to keep her safe. Safe from his enemies and his demons. Safe from himself.
“Amanda.”
Jason released her nipple and straightened. His eyes locked on hers. She couldn’t answer past the lump that rose in her throat.
“Stop. This is for us. This is our night. No one can take it from us. I’ve given you my word, but if this is all you have to live on for the rest of your life, your final memories, I won’t have them tainted.”
“Jason,” she sobbed brokenly. She lifted her hands and clutched his shoulders desperately, digging her nails in as though that simple act could keep him there with her.
He shivered and as she skimmed her hand along his shoulder she was surprised to feel goosebumps. It had nothing to do with the room being cold. It wasn’t. It was over-warm, if anything.
She tra
ined her hand along his arm, her sadness fading just enough to allow the heat of desire to slowly seep through. Jason’s biceps bunched under her touch. She ran her finger down his forearm, explored the planes and crevices of muscle and crisp hair and soft bronzed skin.
She felt utterly fragile as she touched him, his body so much different than her own, so much more powerful. A strange vulnerability crept into her chest, a sensation she’d never quite felt before with Jason. She knew now, that if he wanted to, he could have easily hurt her. She was so delicate in comparison to his raw strength. He’d always been gentle. Always. So very careful to give her pleasure, to care for her, to treasure her. She’d never been frightened by that strength; instead, she cherished it.
“If you’re not going to stop thinking, this can’t be gentle. I’ll take your mind off of what’s to come. I’ll keep you here with me, here, right now, in this minute.”
“I can’t help it,” Amanda sobbed. It was a strange sound, the broken voice and rasp of air. She wondered if she was crying. She couldn’t tell. Her eyes and throat had burned for so long with the moisture she’d held back that it all felt numb.
“I’ll help you to help it. For tonight, you are mine. Not your memories, not your fears, not your hopes and dreams or whatever is left of them. I’ll put myself so far under your skin that no matter what happens, I’ll always be with you. You are mine, Amanda.”
“And you are mine.”
Finally, at last, with those harshly whispered words, the heat came flooding into her, suffusing every limb, awakening her to the horrible beauty that comes with impending loss.
When Jason gripped her waist and lifted her, she was ready, soaking wet and suddenly aching. She wrapped her legs around his chiseled hips and dug her nails into the granite muscle of his shoulder. He carried her across the room to the bed, where he fell roughly on top of her. He wasn’t gentle, his movements hard and jerky and uncontrolled.
He was right. All the heartache faded, her thoughts of yesterday and tomorrow were held at bay. There was nothing but Jason, hard, so very hard, stretching over top of her body, covering her skin with his, smearing his arousal over her, ingraining his scent and his soul into her for an eternity.
Chapter 9
A Raw Yearning
Jason
I need to be inside of her.
It was the only thought that pounded through Jason’s foggy brain. He thought that once Amanda knew the truth about him, the whole truth, that she’d leave and not just because her life was in danger. He thought that one day he might have told her. He’d been trying to figure out how for the past year. He’d played it over and over in his head. Each time it ended the same, with her leaving in disgust and taking their son with her.
Instead, when the truth finally came out under the worst of circumstances, she was so incredibly calm. The understanding in her eyes, the compassion on her face, it nearly crippled him. For all his physical strength, Jason didn’t know if he could have forgiven himself had the situations been reversed. Amanda was much smaller than he was, physically weaker, but she was strong in ways that he couldn’t even begin to comprehend.
He loved her for it. Loved her more than ever. She was so incredibly beautiful in her compassion, her vulnerability, her sweetness. He wanted to savor every single minute with her.
He needed to remember her, to remember every single detail. The way she smelt, the sounds she made, her laughter, her cries of passion, her tears, the way she mothered their child so tenderly. He needed to remember it all so that when the time came, he could fight that much harder for it. For her. For their son. So they wouldn’t be alone in the world without him.
He was the one who had told her to stop thinking, and there he was, about to plunge inside her sweet, tight heat and miss it because he was too damn busy thinking ahead.
Jason closed his eyes. She reached up and gripped his face in her hands before she slammed her mouth over his, the kiss violent, burning, full of emotion. It was everything they didn’t have time to say and do all wrapped into a yearning, straining passion.
It drove him mad, drove the never ending thoughts to the back of his skull where he couldn’t see or hear them any longer. She chased his demons away and it was just her.
“Jason,” she rasped as she pulled her mouth away. “I want you inside me. Now. Do it.”
God, he wanted the same thing. He wanted it so bad it fucking hurt. It wasn’t just a physical ache, it was an ache in his soul. He needed to be one with her.
He was already positioned between her legs, the tip of his cock soaked in the juices of her swollen pussy. He pushed forward, sliding through easily, sliding to her opening. He hesitated, but her hips bucked upwards sharply. He sucked in a breath on her whimper.
“I need you. I need you so badly.” Her hands punctuated her words, her fingernails scoring his shoulder as her hands bit in there.
She tried to pull him forward. Normally he would have went. He would have just plunged inside, lost in the mindless pleasure of it. He needed just another second, another second to savor her, the feel of her closing around him before he was even inside, her slick, warm flesh surrounding him.
“Jason!”
He covered her lips with his, kissing away her protests and at last, swallowing her moans of pleasure as he thrust inside. He filled her completely and she took him deep, deep inside. Her passage gripped him while her hips swiveled up, searching for him as he started to pull out. He slid back in slowly, letting them both savor the action. He kept up the wicked rhythm. Normally he would have done it to tease her, to drive her wild, but now he just needed it. Needed to feel all of her, wrapped so tightly around him.
She never stopped kissing him. Their tongues tangled, their mouths open, their whimpers and moans blurred and joined, their hard breaths loud, coming in short rapid bursts when they had to break away before they resumed the frantic embrace of their mouths.
He luxuriated in the feel of his cock inside of her body, the gentle rasp as he pulled out and the whispered rush as he slid back in. She pulsed around him and he savored that as well. She rocked against him, her hips so desperate and needy. It was a battle between wanting it to last and being able to hold himself back. He didn’t want it to end. Ever.
A frantic swell of emotion rose in Jason’s chest. It clutched his heart, squeezing it in a tight band as he lost control. He came at the same time Amanda did. They cried out their ecstasy into each other’s mouths, their lips sealed, their breath melding into one, their bodies one person, one being one entity. It was frighteningly beautiful, deep and shattering. They bucked and writhed together, shuddered and shook as one. It broke Jason a thousand times over.
He knew he wouldn’t be whole again. Not ever. Not until he was back with Amanda, not until she was his again.
“We have all night,” she panted when he tried to pull away. She wrapped her arms around his neck, refusing to let him leave.
“You need to sleep,” he said gently. “You have a long drive ahead of you tomorrow. Your mom and our son depend on you. You have to be sharp and alert.”
Wild disappointment flickered in her eyes. “Then say you’ll stay next to me. Right here. Right beside me. Say you’ll hold me until I have to wake up and… until we are parted.”
“Until you leave.”
“I won’t say it. I won’t say leave. I won’t say goodbye. There is no goodbye. No matter what happens, you are a part of me, Jason. Always. You’re in my heart and you’re in our son. I know you’ll come and find me. I know that somehow, someway, when this is all over we’ll have a good life. The best life. The life that we’ve always wanted.”
It still astounded him that she still wanted it. Even after it all, after everything she now knew, her want for him hadn’t changed. Her love for him, if it had changed at all, had only become more fervent.
He went limp, his body spent, his mind and heart a mess. He tucked Amanda into the curve of his body and wrapped his arms around her. He held her
tight, like she asked.
Despite everything, it was only a few minutes before she fell into an exhausted sleep. He knew she must be spent. As spent as he was.
He wanted to stay there and hold her. To drink his fill of her scent, of the silk of her skin, of her gentle womanly curves pressed into his hard edges and rough ridges.
He couldn’t stay. He had to make sure he was ready. She needed him. He couldn’t fail her.
Slowly, very slowly, he moved away, hating himself for doing it. He dressed quickly in the quiet stillness of the room. He had guns to unearth, ammunition, a door to board up after she left. He had to make arrangements for her safe escape. A different vehicle, new ID’s… he had to do it all fast.
Failure had never been an option for him. He’d never lost one fight in that ring and he sure as hell wasn’t going to lose this one.
Chapter 10
Leaving, Not Goodbye
Amanda
Waking into the beauty and serenity of the early fall morning, the birds singing, the wind softly rustling tree branches overhead, sunlight streaming through the bedroom window, it was hard to believe anything in her little peaceful world had changed.
Amanda slowly sat up. She put out a hand and even before her eyes focused fully, she knew Jason wasn’t there. His side of the bed was cold and empty. He could be up doing chores, chopping wood for the coming winter or feeding the chickens or seeing to the garden that was almost ready to be harvested.
Mountain Man Secret_Back On Fever Mountain 3 Page 5
