Instead, he lowered down and kissed the corner of my right eye to taste a tear and did the same with the other eye.
I then touched his face and pulled him down to kiss me.
Tasting his lips.
Tasting my tears.
Tasting everything we lost together.
Axel started to move and I quickly dug my nails into his back.
“Don’t move,” I said.
“I’m not going anywhere, love,” he whispered.
“Axel…”
“I know,” he said. “Just relax.”
Axel inched down and I felt him exit my body. I bit my lip at the sensation and the burning need for him to return.
He began his descent of kisses down my body. My neck to my chest. He kissed between my breasts, forcing me to hold my breath for a second. He didn’t stop until he was at my stomach. There he kissed once and looked up at me.
That’s when I saw the tears in his eyes.
“Oh, Axel,” I whispered.
I touched his face and felt his tears.
He kissed my stomach again and stayed there.
I shut my eyes and saw a vision. My belly super round and super full. Standing in front of a mirror, feeling gross. Axel stepping up behind me, his big hands sliding over my belly, knowing what to say to make me feel beautiful.
That was what was supposed to have happened to us.
Before I lost Axel.
And before I lost our baby…
Eighteen
*PRESENT DAY*
Axel
1.
I couldn’t focus on anything as I sat there, wiping down some woman’s arm after finishing up a flower tattoo. I was completely checked out, not there in my mind, and I felt really shitty about it. Getting a tattoo was an experience, for the person getting the tattoo and the person doing it. Going through the motions from the years of doing it, I made the tattoo exactly what she wanted.
She was happy and loved the bright colors and the shading. While we were talking before the tattoo, she mentioned that her favorite place as a kid was being in her grandmother’s backyard flower garden. Where she’d watch bees and never get afraid of them. So as a little nod to that, I put a fat bumblebee in one of the flowers. I did it without asking and she loved it.
I went through the motions again as I patched up the fresh ink and walked her to the counter to pay and leave.
The shop was so busy too.
I wandered my way back to my room and sat down on my stool and just stared at the floor. My eyes were heavy. They burned with dryness. I had done everything I could to avoid getting too lost in the bottom of a bottle, because there was nothing to find there. Ever. But it was hard to fight that away.
Seeing Shelby in pain, thinking about the past, finally finding a way to open that shell of hers about losing our baby. And just the way it all happened. We weren’t trying to have a baby. But we obviously weren’t being safe about it either. We were just living. We were just doing our thing. Defying everyone around us. For the longest time, people told us we were too young to fall in love. We didn’t know what love actually meant. And then one wild night, we decided to go and get married. There was no romantic proposal or wedding planning or anything like that. Hell, we didn’t even have wedding rings when we got married. We saved up and bought those later.
Shelby loved working on her art and I lived the world of St. Skin. Loud music, motorcycles, tattoos, beautiful women, and lots of whiskey. There was never a woman that compared to Shelby though. No matter what came through the front door, and no matter what any woman had to say or offer to me, nothing came close to Shelby. It drove her mad with jealousy sometimes when I’d have to touch another woman in certain areas for tattoos, but for me, I loved it. I loved that she got jealous. I loved that other women wanted me. And not because I was some conceited prick, but because it just proved to myself how much Shelby meant to me.
Then came the day she snuck out of the apartment to get a pregnancy test.
I was waking up with an intense hangover and she was sitting up in bed, chewing on her nails, tears in her eyes. My first thought was that I’d done something stupid the night before. Or maybe she’d done something stupid the night before.
But when she looked at me, crying, and she smiled, something just clicked in my brain. That moment would be forever locked into my mind. That sudden instinct of just knowing… she was pregnant.
My door opened and my thoughts dissipated like a puff of smoke.
Tate had two coffees with him.
“You look like you need this,” he said.
“Tell me that’s whiskey,” I said.
“Pretend it is,” he said. He handed me one of the coffees. “What’s going on?”
“Why do you need coffee right now?”
“Late night.”
“New woman?”
“Hardly,” Tate said. “Ran into some shit with the new shop. Dealing with getting my house on the market. Looking at new places. Something that will work for myself and Jason. I was supposed to have him last night, but he wanted to stay with Kate and Sawyer. He’s still figuring out the new baby thing. At midnight he started asking for me. So I went over there. Crashed in bed with the kid.”
“You’re a good dad, Tate. I hope you know that.”
“I’m still figuring it out, Axel.”
“Yeah, me too,” I said.
“Meaning what?”
I rubbed my jaw and stood up. “It got the best of Shelby. Kate and Sawyer, I mean.”
“Yeah. I was surprised to see her at the hospital.”
“She insisted.”
“What about you, man?” Tate asked.
“What about me?”
“You take the hits for that woman like a true man would.”
“That’s my wife.”
“Ex.”
“My wife,” I said again.
Tate put his hands up. “Right.” He took a sip of coffee. “So what happened with her? With Shelby.”
“It all just got to her. We never really talked about it, Tate. Everything just started happening and didn’t stop. It’s a blur to me now. I can still see her falling to her knees on the floor in the hallway. Her hands on the floor. Crying. Aching. And there was nothing I could do for her. She lost herself. I lost myself. Then we just lost each other. Seeing each other just reminded us of what happened.”
“Goddamn, brother,” Tate said. He grabbed my shoulder. “I didn’t realize it was like that. That’s deep stuff.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Tell me about it.”
“You have each other now, Axel. Don’t forget that.”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen now. She looks at me and she thinks about the baby we never had. If that never goes away, man, we’re done for. I’ll always be there for her. She’s always got my heart.”
“Look at you,” Tate said. “So when you would take off from the shop…”
“I was just driving to get away,” I said. “Clear my mind. To forget when things hurt me.”
“Shit. So seeing Kate with Jason… and then Kate getting pregnant…”
“That was like a knife to my fucking heart, Tate. But I would never take that out on them. Sawyer and Kate are perfect together. They have a family now.”
“Hey,” Tate said. He gave my face a little slap. “You and Shelby are perfect. And you two can have a family. I’m sorry for what happened before. I can’t imagine it, so I won’t do that. I won’t say stupid shit right now. I’ll just be honest. You can always fix it, starting now. Never forget, but move forward. Why can’t you get settled and have a family now?”
I didn’t respond.
Of course that was a possibility. But, hey, look at the facts. After Shelby lost the baby, we lost each other. We got divorced. We were apart for years. And now things were feeling good again. But was that a road we wanted to travel down again?
“Just think about it,” Tate said. “Think about everything. You two belong togeth
er. And you belong running the new shop too.”
“Thanks for the coffee, Tate,” I said.
“You’re not going to drink that,” he said with a grin.
“No. I’m not.”
“Asshole,” Tate said. “Give it back. I’ll give it to someone who will.”
Tate took the coffee and got halfway through the door when I called his name. He looked back at me and raised an eyebrow.
“Thank you,” I said.
He nodded and disappeared.
I shut the door and locked it this time.
I put my head against the door and shut my eyes.
I’m sorry for what we lost, Shel. I really am. And I know your body went through hell because of it. But I want you to know that I was there too. You get so mad at me when I say ‘we’ … but that’s what we are. We’re together. That’s what marriage is, love. Maybe I should have taken more of a step back and thought about you more than I did. For that, I’m forever sorry. I never meant to make you feel alone or that you don’t matter. I was suffering too. My life changed when I met you. My life changed when I saw that plus sign. And my life changed again when you said it was all over.
There were so many letters that I wrote to Shelby and never gave to her. I’d write them and burn them. Or throw them out. Because words weren’t going to fix a thing. The words would only end up hurting her more.
I didn’t want to move, because for the first time in a while, I wasn’t sure what my next move was going to be.
I loved Shelby with all my heart.
All I wanted to do was take her away from everything.
Life has a funny way of making things happen, because as I thought that, my phone vibrated from across the room. I rushed, hoping it was Shelby calling, just to even say hey to me.
It wasn’t Shelby calling.
But it was exactly what I needed…
2.
The motorcycle ran smooth and fast. But the ride wasn’t the best part of it. Anytime I needed confirmation of what this meant to me, I could just look down and see Shelby’s fingers interlocked around me. There was nothing quite like having her on the back of my motorcycle as we just rode. The destination was the ocean. Which wasn’t all that far of a ride. So I took some lonely roads that twisted and turned, putting distance between us and Hundred Falls Valley. Words raced through my mind faster than I cut through the air on the roads.
I was completely improvising.
Gonzo called to tell me he’d got the motorcycle running and he wanted to know what I wanted to do. So I went down and got the motorcycle and left my truck there. Then I rode to Shelby’s apartment and said nothing. I simply handed her a helmet and nodded. She looked at the motorcycle and smiled for the first time in days. I put my hand to the small of her back and kissed her cheek. Again, there were so many words in my mind that wanted to come out, but silence was meant for us in those moments.
And silence was what we had.
It was just me and her again. The past chasing us. The world chasing us. But I kept us in front of it all. Throttling the motorcycle, picking up speed. If I started to go too fast, Shelby would dig her nails into my stomach so I’d ease off a little. I didn’t want her afraid. I wanted her to feel free. To have a sense of escape from it all. And to be able to do that with me.
The ride took its toll on my heart and I finally found a place to pull over. There wasn’t a person in sight. There wasn’t a single house, building or anything. It was like I managed to take Shelby to the middle of nowhere next to an ocean. It sort of made me feel like I was the hero for once in her life. I used to feel that way with her. But then everything came crashing down and there was no saving what we lost.
What she lost.
I kept reminding myself to say it that way.
Her loss.
We climbed off the motorcycle and I took her helmet.
“Rides nice, huh?” I asked.
“Yeah. I guess. What is this place?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why did you pull over?”
“I felt like it, love.” I touched her chin and winked. “Come and walk with me on the beach.”
I left the helmets with the motorcycle and took Shelby by the hand. I led the way from the gravel side of the road down some really big rocks to the sand. There, we both took our shoes and socks off and left them behind.
There wasn’t a single word spoken as we walked to the water.
It was a beautiful day outside and the water was a little chilly, but I wasn’t going to say a thing to her as the gentle waves washed our feet as we stood next to each other.
I released my hand from hers and slipped it around her waist. I pulled her close and she quickly rested her head against my arm. The breeze kicked up and lifted her hair, blowing it toward me. When I looked down and saw her, my heart stopped. I counted enough seconds that I feared I’d need to be revived. That’s what she did to me. With my free hand, I made a fist, feeling a surging pain go through me.
Shelby eventually looked up at me, not afraid to show me that she was crying again.
I had everything to say, but remained silent.
We stood together watching the waves. Watching the water. Watching the way the water and the sky seemed to eventually touch each other.
That’s where hope waited. That’s where dreams hung out.
But love?
Love was right there… exploding between us.
3.
“You’ve been wanting to say something all day,” Shelby said to me as we sat in the sand, far enough away from the waves that we wouldn’t get wet.
“What makes you say that?”
“I can read you as much as you can read me, Axel.”
“Okay.”
“Okay…? Tell me.”
“It’s not the easiest thing, Shel.”
“It’s about us. This isn’t working, is it?”
“What?” I asked. “Are you crazy, love? This is the best fucking thing that’s happened to me in years. You and me together… this is everything. I love you, Shelby. I never stopped loving you. Time got too far between us.”
“It wasn’t just time.”
“I know that,” I said. I turned toward her. I touched her face. “Shel, I wasn’t there. I was empty and I stayed empty. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I watched you walking down that hallway with a sense of happiness I’d never seen before. The way you looked around the apartment knowing it was too small for us and… our baby…”
I let the words linger.
She backed away from me a little.
“And I already had plans to get a new place. I was going to take care of everything. Then you came down the hallway and it was all different. I lost you right then and there.”
“I lost me,” Shelby said. “I lost our baby. I let you down.”
“You never let me down, Shel.”
“My body didn’t want it…”
“No, no, love,” I said. “Fuck, no. You can’t think that.”
“I can. And do. Don’t tell me what to think, Axel.”
“Right.” I swallowed hard. “Shel, I never thought for a second that it was your fault. Things happen. The doctor even told us that.”
“Bullshit to make me feel better. I shouldn’t have been smoking. I should have been eating healthier.”
“You stopped smoking the second you thought you were pregnant,” I said. “You did nothing wrong. You were amazing. You still are. Everything you went through and you’re still standing. Still fighting like the beautiful woman you always were.”
“Axel…”
“No, Shel. You don’t get it. You were the same fighter all those years ago too. When you were a kid, you were the same. You punched Bobby in the nose because he wouldn’t stop picking on another kid. A girl… taking on a bully…”
“Stop it,” she said. “I don’t want to do this.”
“Do what?” I asked.
“All of this,” Shelby y
elled. She scrambled to her feet, kicking sand all around. She looked down at me, tears running down her face. “You fucking left, Axel. You left. You walked out the door and chose the bottle over me.”
She stormed and walked away.
I stood up and ran after her.
If she was going to go, that was fine. But it wasn’t going to happen in silence. Not like last time. If we’re going down in flames, then I was burning into ash. Nothing could be left unsaid or left behind.
When I was close enough, I touched her arm and jumped in front of her. She already had fists made, slamming them into my chest, trying to knock me out of the way. Before I could say a word, she slapped me hard across the face. She wound up for a second one and I touched her wrist to stop her.
Her eyes met mine. Her beautiful, tear filled eyes.
I put my right hand to her back and pulled her toward me.
I kissed her as softly as I ever had before.
She lost her edge, breaking down into tears, our lips still touching.
“Fuck, Shel, I’m so sorry for everything,” I said. “I never chose anything over you. And if you thought that, then I’m a terrible man. There was literally nothing I could do for you. I couldn’t say the right words. I couldn’t even touch you. So I gave you space and silence and somehow a divorce got in the mix of it. I never wanted that, Shel. I never wanted a fucking divorce.”
“Neither did I,” she said. “But I didn’t want to bring you down. You were ready to move on. I wasn’t.”
“I was never ready to move on. I was ready to see you smile, even if you were in pain. I was ready to walk away from it all for a second, just to catch our fucking breaths.”
“I still can’t catch my breath, Axel.”
I felt like my chest was collapsing. I gritted my teeth. “What about now? We have each other. We have all of this together. A new start. A new everything. Shit, we can do it again, Shel. I’ll marry you again right now. We can start a family right now.”
The words just poured from me.
She put her hands to my chest and I expected her to push away and punch me.
Except she just shook her head.
Nothing Lasts Forever Page 18
