by A. Zavarelli
“It wasn’t intentional.” Lucian broke the silence between us. “The first time it happened, you had arrived long after the priest had left. You were unaware of how confession worked.”
“No.” I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block him out, but it was in vain.
“I was kneeling in one of the pews, and you didn’t see me. For a long time, you just stood outside the booth, trying to work up the courage to go in. You looked so… tormented. When you finally took that step, I couldn’t let you sit in there alone, waiting for someone who would never come.”
“So you betrayed my trust?” I grated.
“Yes.” He dipped his face to breathe me in as he spoke. “I did. And I did it three more times when you came back. For weeks, I went to that church every night waiting for you. It became an obsession. I knew it was wrong, and I needed to stop. That’s why I told Father Hawk about you. It’s why he waits for you now on his own.”
“He should have told me,” I whispered. “That isn’t right.”
“He doesn’t know the extent of it,” Lucian admitted. “I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth. He only knows that you needed him.”
“I don’t need anybody.” Even as I said it, the words felt like a lie. I was cocooned in Lucian’s arms, safe from the world outside, and I should have wanted to move, but I didn’t.
He kissed my forehead. “You need me, pet. At least for a little while.”
“FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I have sinned.”
“Hello,” the voice from the other side of the booth spoke softly.
“Hi,” I whispered back.
There was a small thread of silence between these spaces that he always took the initiative to break. “Tell me what brings you here this evening.”
My fingers beat a nervous rhythm against the worn wood bench. “I’ve been thinking about some things.”
“Such as?”
I closed my eyes. “Mostly, my sister.”
“It seems she’s in your thoughts often. You must worry about her.”
“Yes, I do. But also… there is some guilt.”
“Tell me,” he encouraged. “What do you have to be guilty for?”
I recalled Birdie’s face, smeared with chocolate. Happy and innocent, the way she used to be before I fucked everything up. Tears burned my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them spill.
“There were so many times when I was younger that I harbored bitterness because I loved her so much. When those men would come to visit me… all I wanted to do was run away. But that’s how Ricky kept me. He used her as leverage because he knew I’d never leave her. It didn’t matter if I lived or died, but it mattered if she did. I loved her too much, and sometimes, I think I hated her for that.”
The urge to retch clawed at my throat as the words spilled from my lips. It was the first time I’d ever spoken them aloud. It was the first time I’d ever truly admitted what a horrible person I was. Part of me hoped the priest would agree, giving me the confirmation of what I always believed was true.
“You did the best you could in an impossible situation,” he said. “You chose to stay and suffer so that she might have a brighter future. I can assure you that whatever feelings you experienced do not make you flawed. They make you human.”
His words did nothing to ease the pain in my chest. I felt like he didn’t understand, and I needed to prove he was wrong. That I was bad after all. Everything was my fault.
“I could have done better. I could have made someone listen.”
“You told me that you tried.”
“That wasn’t…” I shifted my weight in frustration and crossed my arms. “It didn’t matter.”
“Why?”
“Because they had no birth record of my sister, or any evidence that she even existed. When the social workers went to Ricky’s house, they couldn’t find her. He made her hide in a trunk and told them I was delusional. He said I had problems from the start, and he didn’t know what to do with me anymore.”
“And they believed him,” the priest murmured disapprovingly.
“This was in a state that still thought it was appropriate to arrest child prostitutes and lock them in jail. So, yes, they believed him. Ricky came to visit me and told me if I stopped blabbing, he wouldn’t hurt Birdie.”
“You did what you thought was best,” the priest assured me again. “It was an impossible situation. The people you thought you could trust failed you.”
I looked at the floor, my silver stilettos gleaming in the darkness like a beacon of sin. “And I failed her because, in the end, none of it mattered.” Moisture tainted my cheeks, and I didn’t move so I could pretend it wasn’t there.
“He touched her anyway.”
“WHERE ARE WE GOING?”
Lucian squeezed my hand and continued down the sidewalk. “You’ll see.”
I didn’t want to see. I avoided this part of town for a reason. The reason being, probably, that it reminded me of my past, and I didn’t like it.
For most people, Las Vegas was shiny and new with the promise of glitz, glamour, and sinful temptations. But there was a darker side that visitors rarely saw, and it was only a few blocks from the Strip. Past the blinking lights and costumes and constant noise, there were broken sidewalks and shattered dreams. And Lucian was leading me straight into the heart of it.
He came to a stop in front of a safe house with a sign on the door that read Haven.
“What are we doing?” I asked.
“Volunteering.”
He tugged on my hand to bring me forward, but I was frozen to the sidewalk. When his dark eyes turned to me, I didn’t know what to say. I had never done a charitable thing in my life, and though it was an admirable trait, I didn’t think it was one I possessed because I was presently struggling to breathe.
“I don’t want to go in there.”
“Gypsy.” I expected him to be harsh with me, but instead, he pulled me closer and brushed his fingers over my jaw. “You have nothing to fear. I will be right there in your sight at all times.”
“I’m not afraid,” I lied.
“Confronting our demons isn’t easy,” Lucian said tenderly. “But it is necessary.”
I wanted to argue that he didn’t know me as well as he thought he did, but it was wasted energy. “What am I supposed to do in there?”
“You’ll be able to choose,” he said. “Just come inside with me. Take the first step. Meet some of the women who live here, and if you still don’t want to stay after that, then we’ll go.”
“Really?” It felt like a trick, but he nodded. If I could leave anytime I wanted, I guess that would be okay.
“Fine. Let’s go.”
He kept me close as we walked inside, and on top of my own foot-dragging, I was still trying to figure him out. He was either a sadist who liked to dole out pain or a do-gooder who spent his free time volunteering, depending on who you asked. I wondered if maybe this was just another lesson for me until one of the staff members with a lanyard stepped forward to greet him by name.
“Lucian!” She smiled brightly. “How lovely to see you here again. It looks like you brought a friend?”
He gestured in my direction. “Nina, this is Gypsy. She’ll be helping out today too.”
“Hello,” she greeted me. “It’s so nice to have you here with us. I suppose since this is your first time, we should go ahead and give you the grand tour.”
Lucian nodded his approval, and we followed her around the shelter, my hand still clinging to his. The building was at full capacity, and it wasn’t very large, but it seemed like they made the most of the space they had.
There was a cafeteria, a common room, locker-room style showers, and a large open space filled with endless bunks that looked better suited to prison. I tried my best to avoid eye contact with the occupants, but it was obvious they had taken notice of me. Most notably, my dress and heels. My gut felt like it was full of lead when I snuck glimpses of their own clothing. Most of them
were dressed in faded tee shirts, jeans that had seen far better days, or the occasional sweats with holes peeking out. Many of the women were young, Nina told us, but they didn’t look it. Their faces bore the scars of whatever wars they had endured with deep-set wrinkles and shadows carved into their skin.
The worst part was the children. Small faces that had seen too much, and a familiar fading horror in their eyes. These were souls whose innocence had been stolen, and their faith in the world around them tainted from a young age. It hurt the heart I didn’t know I still had.
One little boy took it upon himself to run up and greet us, showing off his paper hat. “Look, Nina!” he exclaimed.
“That’s very lovely, Christopher.” She patted him on the back.
He went down the line, showing it to each of us and explaining how he’d made it in the arts and crafts class. I paid close attention, but it didn’t escape my notice that Lucian could barely look at him. There was no smile to be offered. No scrap of kindness. And it was at odds with the very reason we were here. Again, I didn’t understand.
“I’m so sorry.” A girl who looked to be about my age ran up and inserted herself into the conversation, taking Christopher by the hand. “These littles get away in a second if you’re not careful.”
“It’s okay,” Nina told her. “Luna, I’d like you to meet Gypsy. She’s going to be helping us out today. Maybe if she’s willing, when the tour is over, she can help you with looking after the kids. It seems you could use another pair of hands.”
“Always.” Luna smiled in my direction. “Gypsy, was it?”
I nodded. “Hello.”
Her eyes moved over my features, and her face brightened. “You wouldn’t happen to be Roma, would you?”
My shoulders went rigid, and I offered her a tight smile. “How did you know?”
“You have the look,” she said. “Plus, the name kind of gives it away. I’m Roma too, if you can believe that.”
I could, actually. Something about her was mysterious and beautiful; two qualities my mother always told me a gypsy possessed.
“I’m only half,” I admitted.
“Maybe by blood.” She held a hand over her chest. “But you are whole at heart.”
Lucian watched the interaction between us closely, and I felt awkward with everyone’s eyes on me. I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to know how a gypsy ended up in this place.
“We’re almost done with the tour,” Nina cut in. “Maybe I can send Gypsy your way when we’re finished.”
Luna approved, and we followed Nina into the back office.
“I’ll need you to fill out a volunteer form,” she told me as I sat down at her desk. “We keep information on everyone who enters Haven for the protection of our staff and residents.”
“I understand.”
She handed me the form, and I went to work filling it out before I returned it to her.
“There are a few other rules I’d like to go over quickly, for future reference,” she added. “The facility is locked between the hours of six p.m. to eight a.m. every day of the week. Volunteer hours can be scheduled for those times, but otherwise, if you come during the day, just pop in and see me. I’ll find you something to do.”
“Okay.”
“Our facility does allow male staff members, but they don’t typically work in direct contact with the residents. You might see the cook, cleaners, and health care staff floating around from time to time, and that is normal. But if you ever see anyone without a badge…” She plucked the red lanyard from her chest and showed it to me. “Be sure to let another staff member know immediately. It’s just a safety precaution.”
I nodded.
“Do you have any questions so far?” she asked.
“Not that I can think of.”
“There’s just one thing I like to make clear to all of our volunteers,” she said. “This isn’t your typical shelter. We specialize in helping victims of human trafficking, so all the women here have been affected in some way. It’s very important you acknowledge that when working around them. Some startle easily and we need to be mindful of potential triggers. Using quiet voices, maintaining appropriate space and distance, these things are important. I have a pamphlet I’d like you to read over quickly, if you don’t mind.”
“Sure,” I agreed.
While Nina worked on retrieving the pamphlet from a file, Lucian brushed his fingers over my arm to get my attention. “Are you okay with staying?”
“I think so.”
His eyes were warm with approval when his hand squeezed mine. “Nina will show you what to do. I’ll be in the far left corner of the common room, but I’ll be able to see you if you need me.”
“What are you going to do?” I asked.
“I give the girls legal advice.”
He tried to release my hand, but I hesitated. A nagging sense of uncertainty plagued me when I realized he would be talking to these girls about the intimate details of their lives. Girls like me… the broken ones. And I wasn’t sure, but I had a suspicion that was what Lucian liked. Suddenly, I didn’t want him to go.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Nothing.” I bit my lip.
This was a dangerous situation, and I needed to extricate myself before I admitted something awful. These feelings I had toward him—this possessiveness, the jealousy—they weren’t normal. I had been with him twice, and it was as if I’d forgotten the reason we were even together. He was blackmailing me, and I was his captive. I couldn’t develop feelings for him, especially when I knew he could never return them. Lucian was soft with me. He was even gentle at times. But it didn’t mean anything to him, and I would do well to remember that.
“You should go,” I told him. “I’ll be fine.”
He hesitated briefly and then left. I turned my focus to Nina as she offered me the pamphlet.
“Here you go,” she said. “Just give it a quick read and let me know if this seems manageable.”
“Thanks for helping out,” Luna said. “Arts and crafts can get kind of crazy.”
I looked around the room, which was, in fact, a madhouse. “What do we do?”
“Amber runs the class and gives the littles instructions,” Luna explained. “We just need to walk around and keep an eye on them. Make sure nobody glues their fingers together or anything like that.”
I smiled. “Sounds easy enough.”
“You might need to stop and help them too. Some of them are fairly shy and don’t speak up when they need help.”
I scanned over the group of what I guessed to be about fifteen children. “Are any of them yours?”
Luna laughed. “No way. I love kids, but the best thing about these is you can return them to their mothers when they’re done.”
“Sounds about right,” I agreed.
I tried to focus on the kids, but between the chaos, my eyes found their way to Lucian more than a few times. He was sitting at a table in the corner, just as he said, and there was a separate female chaperone present for each of his meetings. It made me feel a little better to know that everything was strictly professional, but Luna must have noticed my distraction because when I glanced back at her, she was looking at him too.
“Is that your boyfriend?” she asked.
I didn’t know what to say, but I was wearing my wedding band, so I figured I should at least give her a half-truth. “Husband.”
Her brows furrowed. “He’s been coming in here for a long time. I had no idea he was even married.”
“It’s recent,” I told her.
She smirked. “The honeymoon phase, huh?”
My cheeks heated as I thought of Lucian inside me. “Something like that.”
“I could only dream of finding a guy like that someday,” Luna sighed.
I wanted to know more about her story, but I wasn’t quite sure how to approach it. “How long have you been here?”
“In Vegas?”
“The shelter,” I clari
fied.
She wiggled her nose. “Oh, I don’t live here. I mean I did when I first came down here. But now I live with a community.”
“Oh.” I felt like an idiot for assuming. “Sorry, I didn’t realize. I had no idea there was a community here either.”
“Yeah.” She reached down to pick up a crayon that fell on the floor and set it back on the table. “There’s a big one. It’s cool. They don’t know about my past, and they don’t really care either. It’s more of a lost souls community. Not all of us are even gypsies. Just a bunch of outcasts living together in a group without the pressures of tradition, ya know?”
I didn’t know, and part of me hated that. I remembered my mom talking about her clan and how much they meant to her, and how sad she was when she said she could never go back. She explained that sometimes they shunned people, and I could only assume the same had happened to Luna for whatever reason.
“It’s good that you found a place you feel comfortable,” I said, and I meant it. I only wished my mom had better luck than ending up where she had.
“You should come check it out sometime if you want,” Luna offered. “I would love to hang out if you’re up for it. I don’t have many friends here yet.”
“Oh.” I blinked. “Sure, we could do that.”
“Cool.” She ripped a piece of paper out of a scratch pad and scribbled her phone number on it in purple crayon, handing it over to me. “Call me whenever. I’ll be around.”
“Okay.”
“The class is almost over,” Luna said. “If you want, you can help me clean up and then get snacks ready for the littles.”
I trailed along behind her to the storage bins. “Sure, I can do that.”
After all the crayons and paper and glitter pots were sorted and put into their rightful places, the desks were cleaned, and the kids were given juice and a veggie pack. I was grateful I didn’t have to cook anything and risk the chance of embarrassing myself again, and the kids were happy over such a simple gift that it seemed like there was more I should be doing.
