“Hunh? I did? Gee, I’m sorry Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I’m afraid I can’t remember much of anything from last night. I woke up in an alleyway, early this morning. I don’t know how I got there.”
“I see. Please allow me to peruse your collection of newspapers. Hmm, one sees. My investigations carry me in one direction, yours in another. I am certain these incidents are connected. Mr. Temperance, I charge you with maintaining your subterfuge, eh, that is, just continue to act normally.”
“Hunh?”
“Eh, that is, continue with your torpedo project; however, I am instructing you to desist from any further contact with Professor Diddlefudde. Do you understand me, sir? I unequivocally forbid you from any more experiments with Professor Diddlefudde.”
“I’ll try, but he is awfully insistent, sometimes.”
“Mr. Temperance!”
“Yes, Ma’am. Oh, looky, here comes Ace reporterette Dipsy Jigglemire and Detective Nichodimus Cobblechunk.”
“Mr. Temperance, act normal!”
“Hunh?”
“Never mind. Oh, hello, Dipsy and Nichodimus, how charming to see you this morning. Getting plenty of interesting cases and stories to follow, eh hem? Dipsy, perhaps an article on some whimsical past-time, such as lawn darts, would prove of interest to your readers, eh hem? Detective, I know you are probably caught up in selling ‘Policeman’s Ball’ tickets or some such thing, eh hem?”
“Ha, ha! You are out of your gourd, Persephone! This is the greatest time in history to be a reporter in this city! London is gripped by fear of this ‘Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper’, and all the Whitechapel girls are terrified of the ‘Dr. Ickle’, character.”
“Actually, Dipsy, I have a theory on that count. I believe that both of these villains are one and the same!”
“OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh, Detective CobbleChunk, I should hardly think that.”
“Why not, Persephone?”
“Hmm? Oh. Eh hem, the reason. Yes, ohhhh, I would just chalk it up to being too far-fetched. Oh yes, that’s it. Such a thing is just too far out of the realm of probability.”
“Gee, I don’t know Miss Plumtartt, I think Detective CobbleChunk is onto... Ow!”
“Ha, ha! Oh, Persephone, you just don’t know! Nichodimus and I spoke with the witnesses ourselves. The tales they told us set my hair on end, and that’s the truth. This is a supernatural creature, mark my words.”
“OOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh, Dipsy, darling, you can’t be serious.”
“I am Persephone! The monster scampers about like an ape!”
“Balderdash. An ape in this metropolitan hub! Really.”
“Does the critter have long, garish fangs, Miss Dipsy, Ma’am?”
“Ha, ha! Yes, it does, Icky! Ha, ha! They drip with his poisonous saliva and the blood of his poor victims! Ha, ha!”
“Gosh!”
“Oh Heavens.”
“Steady on there, Persephone, you look as if you took a turn.”
“Oh, no, don’t worry about me, Detective Cobblechunk, I am quite all right, I assure you. Oh, but does all this, a supernatural phenomenon make, eh hem?”
“Don’t forget about his freakish leaping abilities, y’all!”
“Ha, ha! Right, Ichabod, and don’t forget Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper with his amazing acrobatics. By my ink-stained fingers, it’s got to be the same man, or, quasi-man.”
“Hah! Dipsy’s right! That devil, Dr. Ickle, made a standing jump to clear a fifteen foot fence without laying a finger on it! It was as if he had steel coils beneath his feet to send him flying through the air. I wonder why the papers have not taken to calling him ‘Steel-Coil Carl’?”
“Steel-Coil Carl, Steel-Coil Carl? Hmmm, it does have a certain something.”
“Oh, but Dipsy, he’s got too many names already. Let’s consolidate it down to Dr. Ickle: otherwise known as Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper.”
“Good enough, Nichodimus, but how are you to catch this fiend?”
“I have the means to catch my man.”
“Really, Detective, will this be a difficult process, eh hem?”
“Oh, I don’t think apprehension of the culprit I seek will prove too difficult. In fact, I feel strongly that my prey is very close at hand.”
“OOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh, Detective, you can’t mean that.”
“I mean every word, Persephone Plumtartt. The man I am after is right, here!”
“Hien! Hey! Why did you grab ahold of me, Detective CobbleChunk?”
“Because you, Ichabod Temperance, are the man I seek!”
“Eep! I say, Detective, there must be some sort of mistake!”
“There’s no mistake, Persephone, I’ve got my man!”
“Ha, ha! Attaboy, Nichodimus!”
“I ain’t done nothing, Detective!”
“Of course, Temperance, it’s not what you have done, it’s what you’re going to do for me!”
“Hunh?”
“I’m up against a powerful supernatural enemy with strengths far surpassing mortal man, right?”
“Ha, ha! Right, Nichodimus!”
“Thanks, Dipsy. I have to be able to meet my enemy with an equal footing, right?”
“Ha, ha! Right, Nichodimus!”
“Thanks, Dipsy. If he has terrible dagger claws, then my dagger claws must be even more horrific, right?”
“Ha, ha! Right, Nichodimus!”
“Thanks, Dipsy. If he can move through the night with impunity, then I must be able to also, right?”
“Ha, ha! Right, Nichodimus!”
“Thanks, Dipsy. If he can leap high fences in a single bound, then I need to also, right?”
“Ha, ha! Right, Nichodimus!”
“Thanks, Dipsy. So, Ichabod, will you help me?”
“Yessir!”
“OOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh, I really don’t think Mr. Temperance has any interest in build...”
“Oh yes, Ma’am, I surely do! Let’s see, we’ll get some heavy gauntlets and attach three long, razor sharp blades that stretch out over the knuckles.”
“Ha, ha! Deadly!”
“I think I can whoop up some goggles to where you can track the creature by seeing his body temperature in the dark!”
“Ha, ha! A hot-blooded manimal hunt for my Nichodimus!”
“Hmph. Will there be a roguish, yet stylish, leather helmet?”
“Yessir!”
“Hah! Smashing!”
“Ha, ha! Fashionable!”
“I’m gonna build you a set of spring-loaded jumper leggings!”
“Oh, dear.”
“Ha, ha! Don’t worry about Nichodimus, Persephone. That is one prime hunk of man! He’ll tear this Dr. Ickle limb from limb, won’t you, Big Nick?”
“Hah! I’ll tear a piece off the ugly brute and bring it home to you, Dipsy!”
“Ha, ha! A Souvenir! Thanks, Nicky!”
“Oh, I say, I, eh, do so worry for your safety, constable.”
“Don’t you worry none, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! If them long bladed knives ain’t enough to carve our culprit like a Christmas goose, I’ve got a few ideas to throw in myself!”
“Hmph. What do you have in mind, Temperance?”
“Leather wings stretched on a mechanical frame! They may not grant actual flight, but they will assist you in guiding the steel coil bounds.”
“Oh, dear.”
“Ha, ha! Big Nichodimus will look like an enormous Man-Bat! Ha, ha! Terrifying! Ha, ha! This will strike fear in the hearts of evildoers everywhere! Anything else, Ichabod?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Dipsy, Ma’am.”
“Oh dear.”
“Well, I figure your hands will be full, due to all the hand-mounted dagger fighting and controlling of your wings, so I thought another defensive mechanism might be in order.”
“Oh, dear.”
“Ha, ha! What’s that, Ichabod?”
“A mouth mounted flame thrower.”
“Oh dear.”
“Ha, h
a! Incendiary!”
“Hah! I need this apparatus completed without delay. Are you up to it, young man?”
“Yessir!”
“We make a tremendous team, you and I, Temperance. Two sides of a single coin, as it were. On the one side, there you are, a pitiful little paper-pushing slob, designing the equipment for men such as I, that adorn the other side of the coin. Over here on my side, Man is represented by fearless daring and superior physicality. I am proud that my visage is emblazoned there with its rugged, manly good looks and generally making humanity look really terrific.”
“Yessir!”
“Ha, ha! Right, Nicky!”
“Hah. Temperance, together, you and I are unstoppable! Now get to work on that suit so that I may rend this fellow into many small pieces.”
“Yessir!”
“Oh, dear.”
“Come along, Dipsy, we too have work to do.”
“Ha, ha! Right, Nichodimus! Arrividerci, kids!”
“I reckon I ought to be on my way too, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”
“Remember my admonitions. I instruct you to avoid Professor Diddlefudde.”
“Yes, Ma’am. What are you going to be doing?”
“I have a conference of my own I shall be attending.”
~ * * * ~
“You gentlemen may be wondering why I have called this meeting.”
“Haugh. As a Member of the House of Lords I always know where I am and what I’m about. Wondering is for the weak-minded. I remind you, Persephone Plumtartt, that as your Parliamentary Lord, I am privy to the highest of state secrets.”
“Then m’Lord has been able to track the funds of our enemies, thus discovering the duplicitous members of Parliament and secret lair of our traitorous foes, eh hem?”
“Hmm? You’re still going on about that business? I was talking about this uncanny ‘Dr. Ickle’ fiend! What a delightful monster to have scampering about our streets! I tell you, he will double the tourism trade!”
“Hear, hear! I propose a ‘Slay the Beast’ fund in order to show our worried populace that we mean business in the threat’s eradication. Our counterparts in the legislature will immediately propose to double that amount with a ‘Preserve the Urban Ape’ fund. The governmental infrastructure accompanying these new offices will be enormous. In a classic case of redundant, cross governmental funding practices, we shall maintain this costly program in perpetuity.”
“Hear, hear!” “Just so!” “Burbity!” “Capital!”
“No, gentlemen, you are failing to see the big picture.”
“Persephone is right. Let us not be bogged down in minutia.”
“Thank you, M.P. Whistlethorpe.”
“The real money’s in Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper!”
“Brilliant!” “Jolly good!” “Bup, bup, bup!”
“I know I’d like to get a look at a
spring-heeled stripper.”
“No, gentlemen, please, that is but a distraction! There are dangerous spies at the highest levels of government. There is a plot to bring ruin to the world. Let us try to remain focused.”
“Persephone, darling, might I be of assistance?”
“Johnny, my dove, if you would be so kind.”
“Persephone is absolutely right, gentlemen. There is growing evidence of an extremely powerful, if unusual, ship being built right here in London under the most secret of conditions. Without our knowledge, we are funding and constructing the method of our own destruction. Neither Lord Dashwoodey nor Lord Mortontoh have the resources to rally a policing force without drawing undue attention. M. of P. Whistlethorpe and I do. I have, by means of various trade unions and the like, access to a good quantity of trusted man-power. I have also been developing a small but effective security squad for just this sort of contingency. I want you to meet my head of security. Operator Bracegirdle, come in here, please.”
“Aye, aye, Johnny, security on deck.”
“Bup, bup, bup!” “Hear, hear!” “Jolly Good!”
“Burbity, burb, burb, burb. You are an attractive woman, Operator Bracegirdle. Your long leather coat conforms to your figure in a most pleasing and alluring manner. I must assume you are wearing a skirt that is quite shy of the floor, for your high heeled and shapely black leather boots are exposed, far above the ankle! Tell us, Johnny, how the devil did you ever come across this harshly beautiful, femme fatale?”
“Oh, you know how it is, Herbertte, when there is a need, there rises a person to fill the responsibility. Some of the more exasperating members of my constituency need a reminding now and then of the chain of command. I have squads of lads that do a great deal toward maintaining peace, order, and public cooperation. These lads sometimes need a bit of discipline for when I’m not around. That’s where Operator Bracegirdle steps in.”
“I say, if my Lords and their fellow gentlemen could see to raising their dropped jaws and returning their bulging eyes to their appropriate sockets, we might conclude our meeting, eh hem?”
“Ladies, please allow me to introduce you to each other. Persephone Plumtartt, meet Operator Severity Bracegirdle.”
“That is a strong grip you have, Operator Bracegirdle.”
“Aye, and your hand strength is not bad, for a small woman, Miss Plumtartt.”
“I say, Operator Bracegirdle, that is an unusual fashion accessory you wear.”
“It’s called an eye-patch, Miss Plumtartt. I could arrange for you to wear one.”
. . .
“I’m so happy to see you girls getting along so well. You two ladies may blink and stop shaking hands, now. I trust Operator Bracegirdle and her forces to sweep through the docks to find our devious foes.”
“Don’t worry, gentlemen, we’ll swab up any messes left behind by less competent crews.”
“Eh hem, I say, you are too kind, Operator Bracegirdle, I’m sure.”
“Oh, one more thing before we adjourn, if I may?”
“Yes, Herbertte?”
“Lord Mortontoh was awarded four tickets to the play, ‘Rat-Trap.’ It is a brilliant little murder mystery play being performed at ‘Piccadilly Palace.’ They were intended for Lord Mortontoh, myself, and our wives; however, neither Lord Mortontoh nor I are able to use them. Would any of you be interested? Lord Dashwoodey?”
“Well, I must confess, I am of two minds. On the one hand, it would be good for my image to be seen out and about town, but on the other hand, I do so find the presence of common people to be unbearable. Burbity. I suppose I shall have to suffer for the good of the country and make an appearance.”
“Splendid! Persephone? Perhaps you and that little fellow you go about with would be interested?”
“Oh, no, Johnny, I don’t think we possibly could. You see, eh hem, Mr. Temperance has not quite been himself of late...”
“Then taking the lad out is just the thing you require. Herbertte, bestow the tickets upon Persephone. Now, now, I shall have no argument, darling. Take it from your friend, Smiling Johnny Goldbuckets, a quiet theater show is just what your little man needs.”
~ * * * ~
“Now open your mouth and say ‘ah’. Never mind, just open your mouth and don’t say anything. I can’t stand the sound of your voice. What am I saying? I can’t stand the sound of anyone’s voice but my own. Maybe that is why I drone on and on incessantly without letting anyone else get in a word. Why would I want to hear a word from you, the homely Alabama hick that is unfortunately my only available test subject? All I need from you is quiet cooperation while I poke, prod, and probe. That is, when I am not taking your temperature, blood pressure and various tissue samples. Otherwise I am a giving man! I give you free medical exams. I give you serums that are designed to invigorate your love life with the beautiful Plumtartt girl. So, how are you doing on this romantic campaign? Why don’t you ever report to me of your exploits? I want to know. Are you getting friendly with little Miss Plumpbosom? I am doing everything in my power to facilitate this and you are no
help at all. All I get from you is a constant sputter as you try but fail to answer my questions. That reminds me. You are forbidden to speak of these things with PlumPlum. It is, ehhhh, a matter of National Security. Yeah, sure, that’s it. Who are you to question National Security? You are nobody. Who are you to stand in the way of scientific progress? Again, you are a less-than-nobody, so I remind you, no blibber-blabber with the Plumsalot Girl; oh, here she is now, walking into my laboratory unannounced. And there you go with the usual feminine outburst with the constant babble while I am trying to talk. Be quiet, you horrible woman! I cannot hear myself think, what with your flailing arms and angry woman talk. Silence! Silence! Silence! Don’t you ever shut-up? I can barely drown you out! You convincingly portray a sense of general exasperation, but that means nothing to me. That’s it! Give up and storm out of my laboratory just like you burst in, only now, it looks as if you are going to drag little Ichabutts along with you. Good riddance, take him. And now it is door slamming coupled with storming down the steps. More door slamming as you exit the building. Shame on you, young lady, don’t you realize how hard I work on your behalf? All day I struggle with making the crucial adjustments to the Temperance experiment. I am pretty sure that I can instigate a primordial change in the subject. Why won’t that boy cooperate and make something happen with Persephymabod? You will thank me for this, Miss Plumpudding. Pudding is something that should not be troublesome. Pudding should be slowly cooked on a real stove-top, not this instant stuff that is so popular. I want pudding made the old-fashioned way! I want chocolate pudding. Chocolate pudding just for me as I cannot stand to watch anyone else eat chocolate pudding. That’s disgusting.”
~ * * * ~
“Gee whiz, I feel awfully silly in this here monkey suit, Ma’am. ”
“Nonsense, Mr. Temperance: you would appear ridiculous if not so attired. If we expect the actors to wear the appropriate costume, then so too can they expect we the audience to fulfill properly our own roles. Your theater tuxedo, cape and top hat are an essential element for all concerned.”
“I’ve been enjoying this here ‘Rat-Trap’ play! My Goodness, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, there are so many intriguing characters in this little mystery, I don’t hardly know what’s really going on.”
The Two Faces of Temperance Page 6
