“That will be one shilling, Miss.”
“Yes, here you are.”
~ding-aling-aling~
“Oh, drat, I’ve missed Schtupsy.”
. . .
“A meeting in a park!”
“The Park Bench Butcher! Schtupsy may be in grave peril!”
“I must make all possible haste to Hyde Park!”
“Shoo! Shoo! Get out of the way! This is a matter of Life and Death! I am commandeering that Hansom cab!”
“I daresay you’re not, young lady. This cab stopped for me.”
“I tell you that a man’s very life is at stake. What’s more, I am upon a mission of National Security. I am commandeering this cab.”
“National Security? Nonsense. Burbity.”
“Release that handle, sir.”
“I won’t!”
~Thwock!~
“Ee-yowtch! My hand! I’ve been struck! The woman is mad! She must have ‘The Female Fever’!”
“Driver, if you know what’s good for you, you will ignore the sobbing man and follow my instructions.”
“Yes, Missus?”
“Earn yourself a Guinea by delivering me to Hyde Park in less than five minutes.”
“Yes, Missus!”
“Faster, driver!”
“Yes, Missus!”
“Blast it, man, I said faster!”
“This poor horse can’t go no faster, Miss!”
“I failed to mention the penalty, should you fail to deliver me to Hyde Park in the next, let’s see, yes, eighty-five seconds.”
“Eek! Roight! Move, you old glue-pot! Run, girl, run!”
“Yoo, hoo! Remove yourselves from harm’s way! I say, hello? Yes, everyone please, eh, clear a path, eh hem? Yes, that’s it, your screams are enormously helpful. Thank you, and I apologize for the inconvenience of nearly running you aground, eh hem?”
“There’s Hyde Park, ahead and on the left, Missus.”
“Drive straight into the park and then pull up, driver.”
“Yes, Missus.”
“Good, I shall have a look about with my opera glasses. I am scanning all over this vast park, but cannot find... Schtupsy! There you are, directly across the park, about two hundred yards distant. Oh, yoo, hoo, Schtupsy, darling, look over here where I am waving. Oh, lovely, you are waving back. Hello, what’s this? You are not waving to me, but to someone else, at a point in between. This intermediary is someone sitting on a park bench, and Schtupsy is going to him. As Schtupsy approaches the man on the bench stands to meet Schtupsy. I know that man. It’s my scarred-face, alley assassin! His dropped tobacco pouch identify him as having the initials, ‘A.S.’ He extends his right arm for handshake, while the left hides a dagger behind his back. Schtupsy does not know his danger!
“Schtupsy, look out!”
He can’t hear me!
They shake hands!
‘A.S.’ immediately pulls Schtupsy into a savage body strike from the hidden dagger.
“No!”
Through the opera glasses, even at this distance, I can see in Schtupsy’s face that he has been mortally stabbed.
His death merchant smoothly spins the grievously wounded man into a natural sitting position on the bench.
“Driver, drive straight across the grass and deliver me to the other side of the park.”
“But...!”
“Immediately, and with all possible speed, sir!”
“Yes, Missus.”
“Take me to that bench.”
“Yes, Missus.”
“Schtupsy? Schtupsy? Oh! Oh, dear. Oh, poor Schtupsy, we are too late. You have been killed, and your murderer has escaped. I promise you, my friend, I shall exact retribution.”
~ * * * ~
“Quit flaring your nostrils, Temperance! I can’t see anything up there when you do that.”
“But it’s one of my few talents, Professor Diddlefudde.”
“I admit, your ability to flare your nostrils in three distinctly different manners is nothing to sneeze at. Now then, my trials must continue. How are you progressing with Missy Missy Miss Plumtartt?”
“Well sir, if by progressing, you mean, keeping on like we always done, I reckon we’re all right.”
“I mean have you advanced to a more romantic level of intimacy with the arousing aristocrat?”
“I don’t think so, but I’ve been a little on the fuzzy side, after nightfall lately. Hey, that reminds me. I think all these serum injections are what’s been making me so tired and groggy. I am through with all that stuff.”
“Hey, yourself, that reminds me, as well. It’s time for your serum injection.”
“Oh no you don’t, Professor Diddlefudde, I ain’t letting you poke me with that there needle no more! Nossir! I am done being your test bunny.”
“But you are my only test bunny! Oh well, okay, if that’s what you want, then I must respect your wishes. Hey, Ichabod, what’s that over there?”
“Hunh? What’s what, over where? Ow! Hey, you stuck me when I wasn’t looking!”
“Don’t be such a crybaby.”
“I ain’t no crybaby, neither. These tears came without asking permission. Goodbye, Professor Diddlefudde, I’m leaving!”
Oooh, I have an impulse to slam the door, but I should just close it respectfully like I oughtta.
~click.~
I feel like stomping down the stairs, but the stairs didn’t just poke me with a needle, and that would not be respectful towards the buildings owners. I could almost slam this outside door in exasperation, but I don’t want to appear to be throwing a tantrum. I ain’t one for vandalism neither, and that’s getting close. I reckon I’ll just close it properly like I should.
~click.~
Gee, I don’t see Miss Plumtartt, no-where’s. I should probably wait right here until she shows up.
Oh, I wish it didn’t get dark so early. It’s only five o’clock, but it is already as dark as midnight.
Oh, golly, I’m cold. I wish I had an overcoat. I didn’t reckon on it being so cold and dark and foggy and lonely. Gee, I sure do wish Miss Plumtartt would hurry and show up.
Looks like all the shops on Cheapside are closing early. Everybody wants to get safely home before the horrible Doctor Ickle gets them. This city and this street are normally so busy, but everyone has hurried home early.
Goodness, there ain’t but one newsboy left on the street selling his papers.
“Jackie the Stripper, stalks London! Read it all about it. Dr. Ickle, the Park Bench Butcher, leaves gruesome trail of Death. Buy a paper!”
“That old Dr. Ickle is something else, hunh, buddy?”
“You got that right, guv. He is said to be a real life monster, able to leap high fences in a single bound.”
“Gee!”
“Want to buy a paper?”
“No, I was getting kind of lonely and nervous, standing by myself. I just wanted to stand next to somebody for company. Tell you what, I’ll help you out. Extry, extry, y’all come on and read all about that there Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper! Lots of lurid details lie within this article! The black and white pages of this here newspaper, ‘The Moderate Metropolitan’ is just a running red with the torrid tales of terror!”
“Hey, that’s all right, mister you don’t have to...”
“That’s okay, buddy, this is fun!”
“No, I mean, please stop!”
“Harken up, y’all! Londoners attempt to put up a brave front! Read about how you all are really stricken with fear like so many pampered sissies!”
“That is not how to hawk a paper, mister!”
“Oh, sure it is, I’m doing good! Read how the entire city has been frightened by one, solitary monkey!”
“Hey, mister, stop it, already! I don’t want your help. You’re not helping!”
“Oh, sure I am. Howdy! Howdy! Step right up! Read all about it, y’all! Scotland Yard’s favourite detective, Nichodimus Cobblechunk, two-hundred and fifty pounds of fi
ghting English manhood, now pursues the hairy little beast in a super-powered jumping and flying suit! He’ll claw that old Dr. Ickle to itty bitty little shreds! He done told me personally he was gonna tear that dastardly Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper’s arms right out of their sockets, and beat that fiend to death with ‘em; and he meant it, too!”
“That’s it, I’m done. Good night, mister.”
“Wait, come back! I’m sure somebody will come along to buy a paper! Please?”
Ohhh, I don’t think that newsboy is gonna come back.
Ohhh, I wish Miss Plumtartt would hurry up and get here. It ain’t like her to be late. She’s as punctual as a Buckingham Palace Guard. I wonder what has happened to delay her?
Ohhh, I don’t like this here cold, dark, spooky, wet and wind-blown, cobblestone street. I’ll go stand in the shelter of that alleyway entrance so I don’t feel so exposed and alone.
Ohhh, I wish Miss Plumtartt would hurry up and get here. Where is she? She ain’t never tardy. She is as dependable as that big old clock, Big Ben. I can always count on Miss Plumtartt. She is such a comfort to me. Persephone Plumtartt. She’s so smart and brave, and beautiful. A very pretty girl. She is pleasing to look at. She is shapely… Persephone Plumtarrrtt, she is, … she is, … she is female… I want to hold her. I want to kiss her. She is, ... a pretty gurrrll... pretty gurrrl... rrr... rrr... rrr!
“Bleh-Rargh!”
I am free!
I am transformed!
“Bleh-Rargh!”
With each dose of the serum, the transformation comes more easily. The effects last longer, as well. Just a few more doses, and the Ichabod creature will be extinguished forever, and I shall have full possession of this form.
“Bleh-Rargh!”
I need my accouterments! I shall climb this gutterspout to the rooftop where I have hidden my things. Yes, here we are:
“Mm-nopth, mm-nopth, slurrrp. Bleh.”
My silken garments. The red lining of my cape titillates my blood and other lusts. The top hat exclaims that I am truly of the upper crust!
“Bleh-Rargh!”
Soon, the Ichabod id will be shoved away for all time.
My physical manifestation displays my raw, primal power! I am stronger, faster, and more ruthless than these pathetic worms! I am tough, where they are soft. Their civilized ways have dulled their instincts. Their senses grow sluggish with passivity. I know no equal! I am unbound! I live without restraint, where these soppish sheep fill my feed-trough. Yes, they should fear me, for am I not the ultimate savage, incarnate? I demand a sacrifice!
“Bleh-Rargh!”
Then there is the other: the Ichabod. What a pathetic weakling is that itty bitty id. With a few more transformations, I will be free of that maudlin dead-weight forever!
“Bleh-Rargh!”
I have no national fealty to harness my ambition!
I have no familial sentiment to slow my advances!
I have no endearments to distract me!
. . .
Then again... I do have a strong instinct regarding sexual appetites... The women at the theater, with their strapless gowns... their shapely figures... There are women in this city... There were too many at the burlesque hall, but I almost got one, over on Whitechapel... Yes, I think Whitechapel might prove to be fertile hunting grounds. It is not far from here...
~ * * * ~
“Charity Bummtix, what are you doing on my corner? This corner of Whitechapel has been mine to work long before you came around, sister. Move along, you ‘Jillie come lately’.”
“Oh, have mercy, Mercy Tenderpitz. Me normal customers are scared to come and have a cuddle, what with Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper roaming about.”
“There’s no better luck, around here, Charity. Ever since Chastity Nethernettles was stripped of her dignities by this amorous monster, our traffic has dropped off more and more.”
“Do you think there is such a monster as Dr. Ickle, Mercy?”
“Oh, I suppose there’s some ugly brute hopping about, but as for him being an actual monster...”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Eek! A stylishly appointed monkey is assaulting us!”
“Help! Help! I’ve been gripped by his terrible hands!”
“Eek! He has stripped off my dress, exposing me in me undergarments!”
“Help, help, he has ripped my dress to shreds with his terrible claws”
“Eek! We are being gripped and ripped by Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper!”
“Bleh-...”
*~Pop!~*
“Ha, ha! That should make for a Pulverizer Prize winning photograph, Dr. Ickle!
“Bleh.”
“Ha, ha! I’m glad I forced my editor at the paper to go ahead and purchase the instant, high-visibility, vacuum-bulb, disposable-flash, light-globe attachment for my camera! Roight! With this picture, I’m going to be famous!”
“Bleh.”
“Ha, ha! The unexpected, brilliant flash of light in your nocturnally attuned eyes has left you blinded, Dr. Jackie Ickle! Ha, ha!”
“Mercy, what has happened?”
“Why, Charity, we’ve been saved by plucky and resourceful newsgirl reporterette, Dipsy Jigglemire! Thanks, Dipsy, now what?”
“Ha, ha! Now is the moment I send for my sidekick to mop up this befuddled bundle of coarse hair and fangs. Ha, ha, watch this!”
~Phoomp!~
~frr-shwizzzz~
. . .
~plooph.~
“Ahhh, that’s pretty, Dipsy, but Guy Fawkes was a week ago.”
“Ha, ha! That’s no firework missile, that’s a ship’s signal flare! Ha, ha! It’s to signal my assistant, should I happen to capture Stripping Jackie. Ha, ha! I didn’t think I actually would, but there you go! Dipsy always gets her man! Ha, ha!”
~rumble.~
“Oh, did you feel that brief, low rumble pass through the earth beneath our feet, Mercy?”
“I did, Charity. It was as if a great weight struck the ground, a few city blocks from here.”
~Rumble.~
“Oh, I heard it as well as I felt it, Mercy! It’s getting closer! Oh, something great and dreadful is coming for us!”
~Rumble!~
“Oh, Charity, you’re right! What are we to do? Dr. Ickle is regaining his vision from his temporary blindness, and something overwhelming and massive is getting closer! Dipsy, oh, Dipsy Jigglemire, help us!”
“Ha, ha! No need, ladies, help is here!”
…......aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!
Bapbapbapbapbap-Krash!!!~
“Ha, ha! Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing, eh, Nichodimus?”
“Eek! Mercy, we are being besieged! We are under bombardment!”
“I don’t think so, Charity, for if I am not mistaken, a huge, humanoid shape is rising from that giant mortar’s tumbling impact. What is it, Dipsy?”
“Ha, ha! Feast your eyes on the pride of Scotland Yard, ladies! Here is a man that is more than a man! Here is Detective Nichodimus Cobblechunk and his steel coil half-winged incandescent nocturno-goggled English agro-gauntleted law enforcerer.”
“Bleh-Rargh?”
“Ha, ha! Big Nick and his S.C.H.W.I.N.G-.E.A.G.L.E. suit!”
~Pirk-click~boing-boing~Schwing!~
~Pirka. Pirka. Chinga-pirk-pirk~
~Pirk-click~boing-boing~Schwing!~
~Pirka. Pirka. Chinga-pirk-pirk~
“Ha, ha! Those stompers leap better than they walk, eh, Nicky? Mama’s Little Boy, you must stand almost eight feet tall atop your steel coils, Nichodimus! You look grand, my lad; truly, you are a horrible vision! We could feel you making impact with the streets from blocks away. You must weigh a ton in that thing!”
“Hah, just a bit over a quarter ton, actually, Dipsy. The metal frame and leather wings webbed from the underside of my arms to the sides of my legs probably weighs the most, at about a hundred pounds, give or take. The coiled boots weigh in
at seventy apiece, so I suppose they weigh the most if you add them together. The claw resistant suit material, goggles, including goggle generator with assorted apparatus and bladed gauntlets, adds another sixty pounds. Wait, you can add another ten for the Hell Flame contraption. That’s over three hundred pounds. When you include my own two hundred and fifty pounds you add up to a considerable amount of detective leaping about.”
“Ha, ha! Over a quarter-ton of justice, Nichodimus Cobblechunk! Ha, ha! Five hundred plus pounds of London’s Finest!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“I had Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper neutralized with blindness, but now he has recovered. The creature is able to discern that you mean to apprehend him and he might run away. Watch out, Nichodimus, for he has decided to attack!”
“Haw. The little devil is fast, isn’t he...Augh! Get him off, get him off! The vicious little creature is trying to kill me! If I had not been wearing steel-grid, reinforced leathers, this awful monkey would have shredded me gorbals!”
~Pirk-click~boing-boing~Schwing!~
~Pirka. Pirka. Chinga-pirk-pirk~
“Eek! Get off me, you terrible ape! Somebody help me!”
“Nichodimus, come back, I’ll help you!”
~Pirk-click~boing-boing~Schwing!~
~Pirka. Pirka. Chinga-pirk-pirk~
“Get it off me! Get it off me!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Get it off me! Get it,.... Oh, wait, my jaw mounted Hell Flame incendiation caster.”
~psss-huh-WAURRRRRR!!!~
“Auwauouchie! Hien! Hien! Hien!”
“Ha, ha! Attaboy Nichodimus! Those blue/white flames have got to hurt! Ha, ha! For a moment, that screaming monster sounded like our little Icky, Nichodimus!”
“Haw. There is nothing at all similar between that fine boy and this awful creature. Now then, I shall be able to make proper use of my gauntlet mounted blades. Let’s see, what was the little catch phrase with which I came up? Oh, yes, eh, Justice, ... is served!”
~slish!~
“Eee-aye-rRoark!”
~slash!~
“rRarr!”
The Two Faces of Temperance Page 9
