* . . . skrrrrr . . . *
*Bobby!*
* . . . skrrrrr . . “Eek! It was him! The horrible Dr. Ickle! He ran right over me and me position! I was so scared I nearly wet me uniform. Disregard that last statement. I was so scared, I wet me uniform. Over.”*
“Where did we have Bobby stationed?”
“Great Eastern Railway Station, Detective!”
“Roight, I’m on my way!”
“Wait a moment, Big Nick. You’re not leaving without that kiss!”
“~Ahh-mmmm-ahh-mmm-ahmmmm-nom-nom.~”
“Uhbuhh.”
“Ha, ha! If that kiss doesn’t bring you a big bag of luck, I’m going back to smooching school!”
“Uhbuhh.”
“Ha, ha! Snap out of it, Nichodimus! Don’t just stand there with your gate hanging open; go bag me a monkey, you big gorilla!”
“Burbity-burbity-burb. Thanks, Dipsy! Now stand back, justice is served!”
~SPROING!!!!~
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....”
“Get him, my Nichodimus. I’ll monitor your progress on this sputtery electric gizmo you and your widget makers have knocked up. I want to be there when you take this monster down.”
…......aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!~
“Watcher! Which way did he go?”
“That way, Detective Cobblechunk! We are in signal flag operatus mode. Watch for our signal flags.”
“Roger that, Watcher, I will watch for your wig-wam dirwections.”
“Good luck, detective.”
~SPROING!!!!~
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
…......aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!~
“Which way did he go?”
“Right where I’m wig-wamming, Detective.”
“Roger. What’s your name, Watcher.”
“Roger.”
“Thanks, Roger the Watcher. I want you to know that your wig-wam wagging is weallwey effective.”
“Roger!”
“Wig-wam me, Woger!”
~SPROING!!!!~
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
…......aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!~
“Wag me! Wag me! Thanks, wagger!”
~SPROING!!!!~
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
…......aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!~
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Hah. I have you now, Dr. Ickle. Your foul reign of terror has come to an end. Your stylish, silken top hat and theater cape do little to disguise the monster beneath. You cannot escape...Augh! Help! Get off! Get off me, you vicious little ape! Even through my reinforced leathers, those fangs really hurt! I know what to do with you, my hairy friend. How about a little ‘Hell Flame’, Dr. Ickle, compliments of my good friend, Ichabod Temperance. Cheers!”
~psss-huh...~
“Huh-whockah-Bleh-tooey!
“Ugh, you beastly ape, that’s disgusting! You’ve fouled the striker of my Hell Flame ignitor! That great, thick, sticky wad of goo you have spat will cling there indefinitely. You have made me lose the use of that mechanism, you animal. Come back here; you are supposed to be under arrest!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“You’ll not escape me that easy, Dr. Ickle. Let Justice be served!”
~SPROING!!!!~
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
…......aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!~
“Hah. Ready to turn and fight me, eh? Good. Blades of Justice, let judgment be rendered!”
~slish!~
~slash!~
~slice!~
“Blast you, stand still, you craven criminal!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
~slish!~
~slash!~
~sl...~
“Hien! Bleh-Rar-rar-rargh!”
“Hah. Got you a good one that time, Dr. Ickle. Now I’ve got a good hold on you. I am able to hoik you up over my head and walk you over to the edge of the building. Stand back, you bystanders; I am going to smash this villain to the sidewalk.”
“Ha, ha! I made it here just in time! Attaboy, Nichodimus! You look absolutely fantastic! You are the picture of London’s retribution! Standing on the edge of that tall building, with Dr. Ickle held high above your victorious head, I’ve never been so proud to be a citizen of this mighty Empire. Nichodimus Cobblechunk, you are the embodiment of this era and her magnificence. Your Dipsy is here to see you cast that brute from the roof, but wait a moment, Nicky. Ha, ha! Okay, I have my camera ready. You may now slay that foul fiend on behalf of a grateful city, Detective Cobblechunk.”
“Right, Dipsy. Over the side you go, Dr. Ickle. Quit struggling! You are going to make me lose my balance! I’m going to fall! I’m falling backwards, back onto the rooftop.”
~crash!~
“Nichodimus, I can’t see you. Are you all right?”
“Here I am, Dipsy, but that awful Dr. Ickle is trying to get away! I have your toe, Dr. Ickle, and I refuse to release it!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
~creee-h-h-h-eak.~
“Did you hear that, Doctor?”
“Bleh-rargh.”
“The roof made a funny noise, as if, it were,... eh, broken, eh?”
“Bleh.”
~Cree-eak!~
“I know you heard that. Furthermore, I can see in your ugly and brutish face, that your conclusion to the source concurs with my own assessment. A broken and unhappy roof joist is slowly collapsing beneath us.”
“Blehhhh.”
~Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak~
. . . .
~CRASH!!!~
“Ahhhh!”
“Rarrrrrgh!”
“Oof! Bad show, falling into this rickety old warehouse building. Here now, no scampering away, Dr. Ickle, I’ll fix you. Justice is served!”
~sprungck.~
~Crash!~
“Ahhh! Oof. The floor gave way beneath my steel coil leap. Blast it, now I remember something in the instructions about only using these springs on a firm, level surface. Don’t those stupid developers know that an operator is likely to have to use the machine in a manner that is not keeping with regulation? How does anybody expect an operation to succeed, if they are not willing to do whatever it takes to get the mission accomplis...”
~Crash!~
“Augh! The building is collapsed upon me. Blast it, I am pinned beneath this fallen lumber. It is too heavy for me. I don’t have a good place of leverage from this position. I can’t move.”
~huh-whooosh.~
“A lantern was overturned in the fall. A fire has ignited! Kerosene is spreading the fire in all directions! Help! Help! Somebody save me! I am trapped in a burning building and there is no one that can assist me!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Oh, bleh-rargh, yourself, Dr. Ickle. It’s bad enough that I am about to die a fiery death. I don’t need you to mock me for it. That’s it, just go on and leave me alone. From my position pinned to the floor, I can see the nasty little fiend scrambling up through the roof hole to relative safety, leaving me here to die.”
~ * * * ~
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Hey, look, Miss Jigglemire; it’s Dr. Ickle. Somehow, he has escaped from Detective Cobblechunk.”
“You’re right, kid. Dr. Ickle is standing on the roof, laughing in apparent triumph. Hello, I see the light of flames flickering up from below Dr. Ickle. The building is on fire! Where is Nichodimus? He must be caught in that firetrap!”
“I’ll run to send up the alarm, missus!”
“There, I see more and more flames as the conflagration quickly engulfs the structure. That evil Dr. Ickle thrills with delight at seeing my proud Nichodimus brought low. He looks down into the flames and cackles with evil mirth, knowing that Nichodimus Cobblechunk will surely die a terrible death. Now he is turning to make good his escape.”
“Hello, what’s this? The monster has paused. I t
hink he is conflicted. He looks back and forth from his escape route, to the noble Nichodimus. He appears to be of two minds. One side wants Nichodimus to suffer and die, while the other wants to save him. An inner struggle fights for control of Dr. Ickle and his bizarre behaviour. He’s going back in! He has climbed back into the building! Flames now climb high into the night sky as the tall building is more fully engulfed. The bells of approaching fire crews fill the air. A shower of sparks is flung into the sky as another rafter gives way and falls into the inferno. Nothing can survive those awful flames. No, there, atop the roof, I see a misshapen creature. No, it’s one fellow with another fellow stretched across his shoulders. Dr. Ickle is in possession of my Nichodimus! Eek! He is now holding Nichodimus high over his head in preparation of casting him to his death, just as Nichodimus had ready for Dr. Ickle, earlier.”
“No, Dr. Ickle has dropped Nichodimus over his shoulder, not off the roof. He has located a drain pipe. Dr. Ickle is climbing down the gutter pipe with Nichodimus over his shoulder.”
“They are too heavy for the downspout. It’s going to break.”
~Creak.~ ~Pop!~
“Eek! They’re falling!”
~thud.~ ~thud.~
“Oh, they hit hard. Oh, Nichodimus, are you all right, my darling?”
“Ohhhh, Dipsy? Is that you?”
“Ha, ha! Of course, silly, who else would it be?”
“Where is Dr. Ickle?”
“He’s right there. He must have bumped his head when he hit first and broke your fall. He probably saved your life. Now he’s out like a light.”
“Hah. He doesn’t seem quite so evil when he’s asleep, does he?”
“No, Nichodimus, he doesn’t. The creature almost appears innocent, somehow.”
“Maybe you and I will have a pet mongoose or spider monkey someday, Dipsy. We can name it ‘Dr. Ickle’.”
“Ha, ha, not likely, Nicky, but I like the idea of ‘you and I’. I’ll consider letting you have a pet, my pet.”
“Mmmm-mwah!”
“Hey, look at Dr. Ickle. He’s getting all twitchy. Nichodimus, is he waking up?”
“I’m not sure, Dipsy.”
“Nichodimus! I can see the bones squirming beneath his face!”
“Dipsy, you’re right. Not only that, but his hair is receding.”
“His claws are receding, as well!”
“Hah. His fangs are getting smaller. That mouthful of enormous teeth grows less full.”
“Ha, ha! It’s fantastic! The hairy fur of his face and hands is reversing the growth process!”
“Like some time-bending trick of photography, his coarse hair withdraws from his face and hands, disappearing into the skin, right before our eyes.”
“Eek! Nichodimus! Do you see what I see? Pinch me, I must be dreaming. That bloke looks just like...”
“Dipsy, it is!”
“Oh, Nicky, no, it can’t be, but it is!”
“Ohhh, golly gee whillikers, where am I? Gee, whiz, what has happened? I have a cut on my arm. How did that happen? Why am I outside? Oh, howdy there Miss Dipsy, Ma’am. Howdy, Mr. Detective Nick, are you all doing all right tonight? Uh, oh, watch out, there is a building on fire right behind us!”
“Bah. I, I, … I can’t believe it!”
“Ha, ha! Believe it, Nicky! You and I sat here and saw it with our own eyes! Ichabod Temperance is the Spring-Heeled Stripper!”
“Hunh? What are y’all talking abou...”
“Sigh-lence! The prisoner has the right to be silent before this deputized magistrate goes beyond his legal authority and beats the bloody retribution you so richly deserve into you this instant!”
“Hunh?”
“Nichodimus, no, don’t do it! You’re a clean copper, remember? Don’t let the treason of this two-faced snake make you do something you’ll regret later.”
“Bah. You’re right, Dipsy. The courts will see to this villain’s punishment.”
“Hunh? Are y’all mad at me? What is going on?”
“Shut up, Ichabod! Nichodimus and I thought we were after a terrible and evil creature and we were right, only the awful beast was not Dr. Ickle.”...
~spit!~
...“The true monster is Ichabod Temperance.”
Chapter Seven.
Castaway.
A nation’s heart,
is turned to lead,
a pack of lies,
we’ve been fed.
That dirty sod,
got in our head.
We won’t be happy,
un-til he’s dead.
Duplicity,
is his heartless style.
Less compassion than,
a crocodile.
London shares a taste,
of bitter bile;
Temperance is a name,
that we all revile.
From the lowest scamp,
up to Queen Vicky,
we await the death,
of this major sicky.
And though we bathe,
we are still sticky,
by the presence of,
dreadful Dr. Icky.
“Ohhh, ha, ha. Thank you, Bobby, Louie, and Steven’s son, that was well done, boys. I’ll buy a round of papers from you all and give you a nice tip, to boot. There you are, now you lads run along and try to cheer up. Someday, this whole ordeal will be a distant memory.”
“Oh, no it won’t, Miss Jigglemire. Never again will there be a moment where somewhere, in the back of my mind, this colossal betrayal will not be a fresh wound.”
“We thought Icky was all right. We thought he was our pal, but he lied to us, that two-faced fink!”
“Begging your pardon, Miss Jigglemire, but I think we are just going to have to be miserable for a while.”
“Ha, em, ha, I guess I understand, boys.”
“Is Detective Nick well? He has sat there, glaring straight ahead this whole time.”
“The only sign of life being the continued clinching of his jaw muscles.”
“Well, there is the flaring of his nostrils and the squeezing of his fists.”
“Ha, ha, eh, um, yes, well, our Detective Cobblechunk has taken this treason close to his heart. Er, I think you boys had better run along, as I fear a coming outburst from the big guy.”
“Yes, missus.”
“Nicky, are you going to be able to eat your breakfast, dear, or do you intend to dine on ground molars?”
“Bah! Blast it, Dipsy, we have sat here every day with that villain while we discussed our plans. That weasel must have been laughing up his sleeve, the entire time.”
“Yeah, it gets my goat as well, Nick. I pride myself on reading a bloke’s character, and I really thought Ichabod was brick solid. I guess it just goes to show you, eh, Nichodimus?”
“I am a Scotland Yard detective! I should have seen through his deception! I am mortified before the city and my peers.”
“Nonsense, Nichodimus, no-one blames you. Here, let us peruse the morning periodicals and see what is being said about the case.”
“Bah. Very well.”
“Ha, ha, that’s it, Nicky! Here is an exclamatory headline. They say the giant font of these special edition papers over the past week is putting a notable dent in the nation’s ink supply.”
The Farrington Foppe:
BRITAIN BEARS BRUNT
OF BOWLER-BOY BETRAYAL
In the greatest show of mourning this country has ever displayed, Great Britain has taken it upon herself to memorialize this dark occasion. Where only ten days ago, we were celebrating Guy Fawkes Day with fireworks, now what has already been dubbed, ‘Ichabod Temperance Day’ shall be a national day of grieving for the country and city he has betrayed.
The International Tattler:
U.S. DISAVOWS ANY CONNECTION TO THE GREAT BETRAYER
By general consensus and acclamation, the entire United States as a whole has dis-owned and disavowed itself from the hideous murderer, Ichabod Temperance. The Unite
d States Congress has stripped him of his citizenship and condemned Temperance with public shame. For the first time in history, a country has voted upon and ratified a National Shunning upon the miserable miscreant. Many in the press are now dubbing this monster as ‘Dr. Icky’. President Twain is quoted as saying:
“Ah declare, Ah say, Ah declare, that rascal fooled me, just like anybody else. Ah had no idea, Ah say, Ah say, Ah had no aye-dee-ah, that mouse was a rat. It distresses me to no end to be in any way associated with this strange case of Dr. Icky and Mr. Temperance. Ah encourage our offended British cousins to exterminate the scurrilous vermin with all due haste.”
The Legal Lion Quarterly:
CROWN MAGISTRATE
PROMISES DEATH PENALTY for Spring-Heeled Jackie!
Newly appointed young firebrand, Crown Magistrate Harvey Dentworth, vows to exact every inch of justice from out of the miserable carcass that rots in the Tower of London’s most dank and musty hold. C.M. Dentworth is quoted: “As long as there remains a statute that I can bring against this slack-jawed simpleton, I intend to prosecute this fiend into the ground.”
Variosity:
Vicks puts in Fix to
Nix Sick Icks!
Hearken here, fellow dirt mongers, the most scintillating details of this glorious scandal are just now coming to light. A certain member of the Royal Houses is said to be infuriated beyond measure at being duped. The old refrain, ‘heads will roll’, is said to be floating through the halls of Buckingham Palace.
Inquiring minds are probing: What of this fiend’s cohort and confidante, globe-trotter and fetching debutante, Miss Persephone Plumtartt? What diabolical part did this aristocrat play? Moreover, my gossipy groupies, where is Persephone Plumtartt? Inquisitive minds want to know!
So remember, Dear Hearts, you heard it here first, so let’s just keep it between us; on the lowerside and strictly confidential.
~ * * * ~
“Nichodimus, are you all right? You have sat there clench-jawed and staring straight ahead the whole...”
~SLAM!!!~
“How could he do it?”
“Nicky, I think you broke the table!”
“He lied to us!”
“I know, Nichodimus.”
“He made me look like a fool!”
“He wronged us all, my love.”
“I liked him, Dipsy! I really had a great affection for the lying cur!”
The Two Faces of Temperance Page 12
