by Lynn Red
That’s when it hit me.
“There’s someone I want you to meet,” he had said.
I shook my head, staring at my reflection. I checked my hair, checked my shirt, made sure everything was on track. Instinctively, I grabbed one of my eight-thousand bandanas, and tied it around my head to hide my white streak.
It was just as much a part of me as anything else. As long as I remembered, it had been there. It wasn’t a thing I got from some dramatic car wreck, or being scared half to death, nothing like that. There was just part of my head that only grew white hair.
In a way, it being something that simple made it worse. I mean, if I’d been in some fiery explosion and barely clawed my way out, and then had a white patch of hair from it, that’d be one thing. But it wasn’t anything like that. It was just a birthmark.
“Hell of a birthmark,” I said, running my hands through my hair. “I’ve got to let this go.” I blew a puff of air through my lips that made my hair – all of it, not just the white part – fly up for a second.
It all settled down into a gentle cascade that fell along the top of my glasses and along the frames to the sides.
I’m gonna stop second guessing everything. It’s either that, or drive myself insane with all the paranoia.
My phone buzzed while I was inspecting every last strand of hair and freckle on my nose to make sure none of them were weird looking, curious, or anything else. All it said was “hurry” which put a fire in my belly.
When I looked back at the mirror, a flush had crept up my neck and both cheeks. I don’t know how he did what he was doing, but damn if he wasn’t good at it. Then at the same time, I wondered what I had done that got Rex so cranked up.
Softly, I giggled to myself as I shoved my bi-fold boy wallet – that’s what Dezzy called it – into my back pocket, my phone into my front pocket, a pocket knife into the other front pocket, and my massive string of keys I hooked onto my belt loop.
I looked a little like Batman with a utility belt circling my waist, but I’ve learned through a long life of breaking into burger joints to make dinner for a guy that sometimes you never quite know what you’re going to need with you. Better not to get caught with... er, your pants down. Right?
Two seconds after I shut my door, I realized I’d forgotten something.
Back inside, I couldn’t remember exactly where I put it. Under the couch? Nope. Table? No, and not in the bathroom either. One of my favorite habits is to put things in a “safe” place, and then immediately forget where that place actually is. On the one hand, I lose everything. On the other? I don’t really lose things. They’re all somewhere, you know? Just not, exactly, er, where they’re supposed to be.
“There!” I said, almost shouting when I saw the bag. “I hope she’s gonna like this.”
In my overly eager way, I had put this little bag of junk together when Rex first told me about Leena. I remembered being a little kid who loved videogames, and had no one else to play them with, so I ended up collecting a ton of them. Half my stuff ended up broken, so... I guess it was time for this sack of stuff to go to someone who might like it.
“I hope she likes all this stuff,” I said, rummaging through the sack of cartridges and old controllers to make sure everything was there. “If I got something like this when I was a kid, I would flipped a table or two getting to it.”
I slung the bag over my shoulder, feeling pretty good about myself and the gift.
“Letting your smell fill my nose,” he had said.
I slapped myself in the forehead.
“He saw me,” I said, out loud to no one. “Or, didn’t see me, but... smelled me? Something. Anyway, he knew I was there. He knew I was lurking around acting like a creepy-ass peeping Tom, but, he still wants me to go there?”
Another text came through. “Hurry,” it said, the same as the one before.
His eagerness, his beauty, and the way he talked to me, all worked together to dull my anxiety. Whether or not it would last? I had a feeling that the second I saw him, it would come flooding back.
*
Two more texts came while I was on the way to the Lee family compound, but I decided to keep my arrival a surprise. That sounds really sexy, but honestly it was because I didn’t want to try night driving and horny texting at the same time. Either my heart would explode, or I would hit some wayward deer shifter and feel really, really bad about that whole thing.
But, just like I guessed, when I pulled my Hyundai up to the front porch and killed the lights, there was a really big bear staring at me.
A really big, shirtless bear, wearing no shoes, no shirt.
But I’m happy for there to be service, I thought with an embarrassed, under-the-breath giggle.
In the overhanging porch light, deep shadows were cast underneath his huge chest muscles, and emphasized every single one of his rippling abdominals.
One that I’d been seeing in my dreams for days.
“What’s that?” he asked as I stepped out of the car, and immediately reached for my bandana.
I tugged it down as low over my head as I could. I guess that feeling of shame that crept over me when I realized he’d known I was here didn’t go anywhere at all. Having my bandana felt like having a security blanket to pull over my head.
“The bag?” I asked. “It’s... well, just some stuff I brought for Leena. I thought she’d like it. It’s just my old games and stuff I don’t use anymore. I remembered you said she liked ‘em.”
“You’re incredible,” Rex said, catching me absolutely off guard. He was shaking his head as he stood. “I don’t deserve someone like you in my life. I don’t know what to say.”
“About the games? Don’t—”
He interrupted me in the best way possible – with a kiss so deep, and urgent, and hard, that my toes curled up, digging into my boots.
“That was...” I stammered, and then stumbled, maybe a little more dramatically than necessary, when he let me go.
“Incredible?” he finished for me.
I nodded, and then set the bag down on the ground. As I went to wrap my arms around his huge neck, I looked inside, and spied a couple of pigtails bouncing around the kitchen, but couldn’t see the rest of her.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t know what I was doing.”
He held me at arms’ length, studying my face. “Sorry for...?”
I couldn’t tell if he was putting me on or if he really had no idea what I was talking about.
“Sorry for, well,” I stuck my lip between my teeth and bit down. “For spying on you.”
“I guess it’s only fair,” he said, letting his arms slide down to the small of my back where he locked his arms. “And anyway, you stole from me, too.”
Squinting, I tried to figure out what he was going to say. Before the words came out of his mouth, I knew what they’d be.
“You stole my heart,” he whispered.
If I heard that in a movie, read it in a book, or someone told me about it, I’d groan. But coming from Rex, in that vulnerable, open, single moment? It was the sweetest thing I’d ever heard.
I tried to act embarrassed, I really did. I wanted to feel bad about myself, about what I’d done, but he just wouldn’t let me. That smile, warm and strong and powerful. And safe, I realized, with a gulp. I feel completely safe.
Rex was intent on making me smile despite myself. “Where’s that mischievous grin I fell in love with? The one that’s been haunting me since the first time I saw it?”
“Did you just... did you just say...?” I was stammering like an idiot, but at that juncture? Somehow I think that was appropriate.
“I was thinking. I’ve been thinking a lot.”
I looked down, drinking him in from the tops of his bare feet, up the snugly-fitting warm-ups he was wearing, all the way to where the clothes stopped and a gorgeous bare torso began.
He kissed my forehead, pushing my face backwards to look up at his. “I’ve been thinking
,” he repeated, “and my eyes are up here.”
I stifled a giggle, but didn’t see any point to pretending I hadn’t been staring right at the thing swelling against my belly. I curled my fingers expectantly around the waistband of his mesh pants, and looked longingly up into his beautiful, brown eyes.
“You’ve been thinking?” I asked, stepping up on my tip-toes and kissing Rex’s collarbone.
He nodded. “I’ve been burying my feelings for a long time. Not just about you, I mean, about lots of other things. But, I decided I was going to stop. I decided to open up, to live for now and not for keeping my heart safe and secret and hidden from the world.”
I cocked my head a little, looking at him for a long moment, studying the stubble on his cheeks, and the gentle swoop of his full, bowed lower lip. I wanted to say something, but I wasn’t sure what, or even if I should.
Thankfully, he picked up so I wouldn’t have to keep fretting.
“Last night I was looking at Leena, and she asked me something about her mom, and it...”
“I’m sorry,” I cut in. “I don’t know what to say, I—”
“It was a long time ago,” he said. “It’s fine, really. But what our little talk did was make me realize that there wasn’t any point to hiding our feelings, you know? What sense does it make to pretend things aren’t real that are? Or to pretend that I’m not in love when I am? What good does it do?”
“Keeps you from getting hurt, for one,” I said.
He nodded, slowly. “That’s true. But what good is keeping yourself from being heartbroken if you’re never going to open up? Without being vulnerable, without baring yourself to someone, how will you ever know if you’ve found... the one?”
“The one?” I asked with a lump in my throat. I knew exactly what he was talking about, but I really didn’t want to admit it. Not right then, anyway. Hell, I could hardly admit it to myself let alone the very person for whom I had the stupid, ridiculous, whacked-out feelings. “You can’t mean that.”
“What if I do?” he asked. “And why can’t I? I’ve seen the way you look at me, and the way your eyes sparkle. And I saw you that night you were in the tree. You’re something I never knew I wanted, Lilah, but that doesn’t make it any less real.”
He forced my head back with the passion of another kiss that left me grasping for him. I managed to get my fists tangled up in his shaggy, curly hair, and hold him to me, but only for another fleeting second before he pulled away.
“There’s a whole world I want to explore with you, Lilah,” he said. His voice was leathery gravel, and got me moving in all the right ways, got me tingling in all the right places. “What’s the furthest you’ve ever gone?”
“From Jamesburg?” I asked. “Well, my childhood wasn’t exactly normal. I’ve been around some.”
He was nodding, and watching my face. “I want to know about it,” he said. “I want to know everything about you. I don’t want a single secret between us, okay?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but just then, the door swung open, slapping Rex in the side of the head. He laughed out loud, and little Leena popped her head out. “Miss Lilah!” she squealed. “Daddy said you came to help me with Mario. Come on!”
Rex looked mortified, but that little cub caught me faster than a fishhook in the side of the face. I didn’t even have time to respond before she yanked me away from Rex, and away from the bag of goodies I brought.
“Bring that bag!” I called to Rex, who was laughing so hard he couldn’t manage to stand up straight.
*
“How’d you get that white streak in your hair? Dye?” Leena didn’t waste any time, but it felt so safe here with her and Rex that it wasn’t like I was being singled out. Also, she’s six so I was more impressed with how clearly she spoke and how much she seemed to understand.
I remember being that age, sort of, and how ridiculous the lisp I had was.
“It’s just always been there,” I said. “I think I’ve always had it, but it might have shown up after I was born.”
She studied me for a second with a very serious look on her face, the way only little kids can look when they’re thinking very deeply about something.
“It’s cool, anyway,” she said, obviously not even thinking about it and immediately turning back to the game.
It was so unaffected, so honest and so real that I was a little taken aback. But then a second later, being taken aback took a very quick back seat to being hit in the head by Leena on the game she’d insisted we play.
“I thought you said you were good at this,” she said. Again, without a shred of malice.
I just stared at her for a second, the corners of my mouth tugging upwards and fighting to break into a full-on smile. I couldn’t believe it – this tiny creature, cuter than I’d ever been in my entire life, was shit talking me about a videogame. The other crazy thing was how fast she just took me in. It was like I’d always known her, like it was the most natural thing in the world to be sitting here and sucking at Mario with her.
All I could think was that if I had anyone to play games with when I was a little kid, I’d probably do exactly the same thing. She scooted over a little bit so that her side was touching me and I just about melted.
I heard Rex in the hallway before he said anything. He stood behind us for a second, holding that big bag of rustling plastic, and watched.
I turned and looked at him, but didn’t figure on being almost in happy-tears when I did. I guess I must have given away exactly what I was feeling, because he gave me the most tender, kindest smile I’ve ever seen, especially on a face like his. That’s also when I noticed that for the first time in, well, ever, he wasn’t wearing those dog tags.
Staring for a second, I smiled, he smiled, and then Leena elbowed me in the side. “You’re up,” she said. “If you die again you’re gonna get a game over, so you might want to get better.”
Rex laughed his round, powerful laugh. “Guess you’re learning all about playing Zelda?” he asked me.
“Ugh,” Leena grunted. “Zelda is a one player game, daddy, how could it be your girlfriend’s turn on a one player game?”
“Oh goodness!” he said, very dramatically. “I’m sorry! Never meant to offend.”
He sat down behind me, one leg on either side. I nestled back between them as his hands went first to my shoulders, where he gently massaged, and then to my neck. Rex’s thumbs danced in sweet, slow circles up and down my backbone, and then along the back of my skull.
I had no idea what kind of magic spell he was casting on me, but something he was doing was right. A low, rumbling groan escaped my lips, and he started laughing.
“Little tension?” he asked. “Look out, Lilah!”
Just as he yelled, a slow moving turtle-like enemy walked across the screen and rammed, non-commitally, into my character. All I could do was keep rolling my head back and forth on my shoulders and moaning.
“Daddy, she said she was good at this but she just got killed by an enemy that even you can beat.”
Rex ran his tongue along his lower lip, grinning down at me. “Well,” he said, “maybe she’s better at some other games?”
Rex’s cub took a deep breath and let it out in a long, drawn-out sigh. “We tried four other ones already!”
He grinned again, watching my face the whole time. His eyes were twinkling, his dimpled cheek stunning. “I’m gonna guess you haven’t tried many of these?”
Rex poked at the bag with his toe. “Whole lotta stuff in here.”
When she first turned around, Leena had a practiced, nonplussed look on her face, but as soon as she saw the sack full of stuff, her eyes got as wide as any I’d ever seen. “What is that?” she whispered. “Is this...?”
“All for you,” I said. “It’s a bunch of stuff I had when I was little. I don’t really use it anymore, and Rex – your daddy, he told me you liked to play games, so I figured it’d go to—”
“Thank you so much!” she
squealed, all in one syllable, and dove straight for me, wrapping her arms around my neck and kicking her legs back and forth. “This is so awesome! I didn’t even know anything this old still worked! I’ve always wanted to try these!”
“I’m that old, and I still work,” I said.
Her normal, even temper was overwhelmed with pure, unadulterated joy. “I’ve never seen so much stuff! I never played any of these. Are you sure? I’ll let you beat me at any of them whenever you want! I can’t believe this! Really? It’s really all for me?”
I pushed my glasses back up on my nose and grinned. “All yours,” I said. “But you have to make me one promise.”
“Okay whatever you want,” she said. I was a little afraid she was going to hyperventilate, but I’m not going to lie – this was about the cutest thing I’d ever seen in my entire life.
Pushing the duffel bag open with my foot, I rummaged around until I found a particular game – my favorite one from when I was a kid. “You have to take care of all of them, but especially, especially, this one. Okay?”
“Why?” she asked. “I mean, yeah sure, but why that one?”
“This was my favorite when I was little. I wouldn’t give it to anyone unless I trusted them to take good care of all of it. Okay?”
She nodded so hard that I thought she might have been a bobble-head shifter instead of a bear. “I won’t ever let it touch the floor,” she said. She reached for it, and almost grabbed the plastic cartridge away from me, but then at the last second, remembered her shockingly good manners.
“May I?” she asked.
That was a surprise. At six, you were lucky to get me to say anything, much less a ‘may I?’ or a ‘yes sir.’
“Uh,” I said. “Yeah, yeah of course. They’re yours after all.”
You coulda knocked me over with a feather the way her face lit up. I didn’t know if it was because she just loved videogames, or what, but she was just beaming.
“If you need any help hooking it all up, I can—”
