“Oh, so you’re going to tell me you haven’t already talked to Clay, then?” I asked, arching a brow at him, trying to gauge his reaction.
He blanched and dodged my gaze. I cursed under my breath. He didn’t have to answer me, that look was answer enough. It told me all I needed to know about them leaving me out of the group.
It was like he ripped the scab off the wound and left me raw and exposed all over again. I tried to breathe, but it just hurt my chest. I wanted to scream at him and lose it and tell him how freaking uncool it was to abandon the widow of your best friend, but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t be mad at Bear because while I looked at him, there was something else that was all too obvious: he was already beaten down. He didn’t need any help from me. I could see it in the lines around his mouth, the bags under his eyes. I could see how tired he was, I could see the same sleepless nights I’d experienced in the bloodshot bleariness of his blue eyes, the shade looking duller than I remembered.
I couldn’t stand it anymore. I couldn’t stand the hurt, the isolation, the fear that I was going to be alone through all of it forever. I couldn’ttake it, and I thought Bear felt the same way. So without anymore words, I stepped toward him and wrapped my arms around him. I didn’t have the words to say what I wanted to, but I hoped that would do the job. I hoped that would get the point across.
He went rigid in an instant, his whole body froze like a marble statue.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking up at him. It felt like a stupid question, all things considered, but then again, I also didn’t think he was in the position to be turning down hugs, all things considered.
Bear looked down at me, conflict evident in his eyes. There was a darkness in those depths, something broken and irreparable.
“I couldn’t save him, Lex,” he said, his voice so raw and emotional that my heart wanted to jump out of my chest just to try to comfort him. “I didn’t save him and I promised you I would.”
I swallowed past the thick lump in my throat, trying to force back the tears. It was impossible to be mad. Well, not impossible, but I know Bear wasn’t the one I should be mad with. The only person there was to blame for any of that was Wyatt, and he wasn’t around to care about the mess he left behind.
“Bear… You can’t save someone from themselves when you don’t know something’s wrong. Even I didn’t know…” My voice broke, and I took a step back from him, trying to clear my head of the smell of his soap as the tears tried their best to push up and out. I did my best to keep them reined in, but there was only so much energy I had left to dedicate to those things those days. After three months of trying to control and suppress my emotions, I just didn’t really have the capability of doing it anymore.
Bear let out a sigh and shook his head, his face solemn. I could tell he wasn’t buying it, he wasn’t forgiving himself, and it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t his fault what Wyatt chose to do. He couldn’t blame himself.
But I could tell he was. I saw the sadness in his eyes and could recognize the self-loathing there too.
I was tempted to hug him again, but the memory of how he turned to stone made me keep my distance.
“I’ll catch you later, Lex,” he said, his voice distant and broken as he brushed past me to leave.
He never even grabbed a book.
5
Bear
Clay’s house was the picture-perfect small-town American house, complete with a white picket fence and a swing hanging from the oak tree out front. Heading up to his gate almost felt like I was intruding on some quiet peaceful life I had no business being a part of. I was from the darker side of life, the dirty, grungy, bloody side of things that nice, happy civilian families never had to think about.
And that’s how it should be. That’s why guys like me went into the service, because we wanted people like Clay to have that perfect happy life. But that didn’t mean I was comfortable being here. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to turn heel and run away before I tarnished their tidy little existence.
But I told him I’d be there and I was there. I nearly talked myself out of it a dozen different times, but I had made it. I was at his front door and I wasn’t going to walk away before I gathered my nerve to knock.
The moment my knuckles connected with the door, I wanted to step back. I looked over at my truck and thought about making a run for it, but there was no reason for the panic. There was no reason for me to be so worried about spending a night with my friend and his family.
I heard voices on the other side of the door and they sounded happy and bright, laughing and teasing even though I couldn’t make out the words.
I shouldn’t be there. I was still so far down that deep dark hole that I had no business being out in public trying to interact with people like a real human being with feelings. I didn’t know how to talk to people that were happy, and they didn’t know how to talk to me.
But before I could make up my mind to turn heel and flee, the door opened, Clay was on the other side beaming at me.
He saluted, his body went stiff. “Sir Reginald Raymond Calhoun, it’s an honor,” he said, eyes twinkling at me.
I growled, eyes narrowed at him in a warning. “You know I hate that name.” No, my mother did not actually name me Bear. But anyone that tried to call me by my actual name generally found out real quick where the nickname came from.
“Come in, you old grump,” Clay said chuckling and shaking his head. “It’s about damn time you meet my family,” he added, his eyes sparkling with pride.
Well hell, I could sure see what he was so proud of.
Clay led me into the house and his wife practically materialized at his side. She was gorgeous, but only had eyes for Clay, as she should. She was also very obviously pregnant.
“This is Lyla,” he said, slipping an arm around her waist.
There was a tiny blur that rushed past with a giggle and nearly tripped Clay. He growled and laughed at the same time.
“That one’s Emma,” he said. “Emma, you know there’s no running in the house, kiddo,” he called after her. Lyla shook her head at me with an exasperated smile.
“I’m so happy to finally meet you,” she said. “Please, forgive the chaos.” Just as she said that, there was a wail from a baby and she made a face, scurrying off into the living room.
Clay took me into the kitchen, produced a beer for both of us, and we stood there, opened the bottles, and clinked them together, sharing a silent toast. I didn’t know if it was for Wyatt, or to welcome me home, or just to take the edge off, but I wasn’t complaining.
He didn’t say anything, just jerked his head in the direction of the living room, so I followed.
Lyla bounced a cooing baby and Clay went over to kiss the baby’s head.
“This one’s Annabelle,” he said.
“How many are you planning on having?” I asked, looking toward Lyla’s rounded belly.
Clay shrugged. “No plan, just a man that can’t keep his hands off his hot wife.”
Lyla rolled her eyes. “And it has nothing to do with you wanting a boy?” she smirked.
He didn’t meet her eyes. “Maybe that’s part of it,” he grumled, giving me a plaintive look. “I love my girls, don’t get me wrong, but in a couple years I’m going to be drowning in estrogen.”
“You dug your own grave,” I said.
Lyla gestured me further into the room. From where I was standing, I could just see the back of the couch, the TV, a play area for the kids in between the two. I followed her in, and finally realized there was another person in their house, on their couch.
But it wasn’t just anyone. Fiery red hair made every vein in my body clench up tight.
Lexi.
She was on the couch, just minding her own business, and she was all alone in there. She looked up at me, offered the tiniest hint of a smile, and it was more than I could take.
“What are you doing here?” I growled out before I even realize it.
“What?” she snapped.
Clay swooped in. “I invited her. It’s only right, man. Wyatt passed the baton and now she’s stuck with us,” he grinned at her. “And vice versa,” he said to me, a warning in his eyes.
I didn’t know what the hell he was getting at, inviting her and not telling me. He had to know how it affected me since they just decided to fucking ambush me with her.
“I need a drink,” I muttered, ignoring the beer in my hand and everyone’s pointed looks at it. I stalked into the kitchen alone, drained the rest of the beer, and scrounged through his cupboards until I found a glass to fill to the brim with bourbon. I took a swig of that, the burn went down smooth, chasing away the numbness, but bringing so much other shit with it.
Didn’t matter. There was no way I could face it sober, so it was bottoms up as I headed back out and sat on the furthest end of the couch from Lexi.
6
Lexi
Great. Bear was there and he was being… weird again. For all the years I’d known him, he’d always been a sweetheart. We never had much cause to talk or spend time together, but he was always nice enough to me. Nice enough that I never did understand his nickname.
Well, that lack of understanding was gone now. Now that he was over there sulking and being broody and growly. Yeah, Bear fit him pretty well about then, but I didn’t get it.
Was it about being here, or was it about me? Or something else entirely? Maybe he was still just dealing with everything. I didn’t know, but I managed to ignore him and made small talk with Lyla.
“We’re really excited for Emma to start tee-ball in a couple of weeks,” she said grinning. “She wanted to join last year, but we thought she was still too small. Some of those other kids were big for their age, and when they get to running around the bases, they don’t really look where they’re going… Collisions aren’t uncommon,” she says with a little wince that turns to a smile.
“What about Dallas?”
I shrugged. “I think he wants to get into soccer, but we’ll see.” He wasn’t there that night, and that’s a whole other thing. I told him about coming to Clay and Lyla’s and could just tell he wasn’t feeling it. I could tell that it would be too much for him to deal with, and I’ve been trying to give the kid a break when I could because I knew I wasn’t the only one that was struggling. He just hadn’t been the same, and forcing him to go out of his comfort zone wasn’t going to help things.
So I swallowed my pride, called my mom back up, and asked her if she would babysit for the night. Only babysit, I assured her. I didn’t want to miss it. I needed some adult time. I needed to see my friends and have a little distraction.
I needed to not be in my house for a night.
Mom gave me a heaping dose of shit for calling her again so soon, but I didn’t really care. It was worth it for that one night of adult conversation and distraction.
“I should go check on the dinner,” Lyla said, excusing herself from our chat. I was sad to see her go, but I knew there would be more time later. My mom had really been the only adult I had to talk to the last few months and she was… less than supportive. She tried, I know she did, but the way she said things, the way she worded things, just made me feel like a complete and utter failure every time.
Clay was on his back on the floor, playing with baby Annabelle, tossing her up in the air, making her giggle and squeal. And of course, Bear was still on the other end of the couch, pouting into his drink, not interacting with anyone.
I narrowed my eyes and decide that wasn’t okay, so I got up and headed over to him.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, no preamble, no small talk, no skirting around it.
“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” he grumbled, tossing back another swig of his drink.
I just looked at him, trying to see through that thick skull of his to see what was going on in there, but that thick skull may as well been made of lead for all the information I was able to glean. He didn’t exactly meet my eyes, but his face was hard, his mouth set into a grim line that looked like it’d been permanently plastered there forever, though I was positive I remembered a time when Bear smiled.
I huffed, throwing up my arms and shaking my head. “Fine, whatever. Sit here and sulk, see if I care,” I snapped, storming off into the kitchen to find Lyla.
“Hey, can I help you with something?”
Lyla looked over and smiled. “Sure! Mind setting the table?”
“That I can do.”
She opened a few cupboard doors for me, all the relevant ones, and I set to work.
On my second trip for glasses, she looked over from the stove and I could see it in her eyes. I could see that she was going to bring it up. I should have known she would, coming in here alone like that. Hell, she might’ve even thought that meant I wanted to talk about it. No getting away from it at that point. I just braced myself.
“How are you doing?” Her voice had that gentle, almost walking-on-thin-ice quality that made me cringe inwardly.
“I’m okay,” I said. What else was I supposed to say? I still cried myself to sleep almost every night? I didn’t know what I was doing anymore facing it all alone? I felt so guilty because I was so angry at him that I couldn’t seem to move on?
Yeah, I wasn’t getting into any of that. Lyla was sweet, and she seemed like someone I could actually make friends with, but we weren’t there yet. We certainly weren’t to the stage of me pouring out my heart and soul to her while setting the dinner table.
Her gaze slid over to me, clearly not believing what I had to say.
“I can’t even imagine,” she said, shaking her head. “If there’s anything we can do to help out…”
“Thanks,” I said quickly, shoving back a rising tide of tears. I wasn’t going to lose it at dinner. I wasn’t going to break down in Clay’s house. I was going to keep it together and have a pleasant evening, damn it.
She pulled a big dish of roasted vegetables out of the oven. They smelled heavenly, cooked to that dark brown caramelized perfection. My stomach growled, and I remembered that I only ate half my lunch today.
Actually, that’d been kind of the norm, lately. All my clothes ere kind of baggy because I’d probably lost ten pounds from my lack of eating.
Lyla took the vegetables to the table, then pulled a huge roast out after them, chuckling.
“I… might have overestimated how much food we’d need. I hope you brought your appetite!”
On cue, my stomach growled, and I chuckled.
“Guess so.”
“Good!” she said brightly.
“It’s probably a good thing I didn’t bring Dallas tonight, he’d start asking questions about why my meals never look this yummy.”
A faint blush colored Lyla’s cheeks a warm pink and she looked down bashfully. “It’s nothing really. Pregnancy hormones just start this nesting urge in me and all I want to do is cook.”
“Gee, and all I ever got was swollen ankles and a little pee escaping when I laughed.”
She snorted. “Don’t worry, I’ve got that covered too.”
There was a beat of silence, the table was set, the food was ready, but Lyla looked like she was chewing on something important.
“What?” I asked.
She worked on her bottom lip, tossing a quick glance over her shoulder. “Have you talked to Bear at all since…?”
I shook my head. “Not really. He stopped by the library, but tried to avoid me.”
Lyla’s lips pressed together in a thin line and she nodded. “It’s really hitting him hard… I worry about him.”
I shrugged, remembering how dismissive he’d been of me. He didn’t even reach out to me when he got back to town. As far as I was concerned, he was avoiding me and he seemed to be pretty annoyed when he realized I was there. So, forgive me, but it was kind of hard to feel too bad for him when he was actively being kind of a dick.
“I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’s just got to handle it in his own
Bear way,” I said, fairly dismissive myself.
Lyla didn’t look so sure, but she nodded slowly. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones again! I just want to mother everyone and everything in reach.”
I gave her a little chuckle, to break up the tension left behind by the topic of Bear.
“What do you say? Should we do this thing?” she asked.
I didn’t know why we wouldn’t, so I nodded, stomach growling in earnest.
“Boooooys, dinner time!” Lyla called in to the other room. “Emma, come wash your hands, sweetie.”
Emma came charging in, a bundle of unstoppable energy. I couldn’t imagine I was ever that wild, but there was something about being that age when everything was just great.
Clay came in with Annabelle in tow, dropping her into her high chair.
Everyone was already seated by the time Bear came wandering in, taking the only empty seat, directly across from me.
“Everything looks amazing, honey,” Clay said, love sparkling in his eyes. My mouth went dry and my stomach flipped over, making me suddenly nauseous.
So many years, I went through it alone with the promise that Wyatt and I would have that kind of future, and now…
I swallowed thickly, hoping no one noticed the tears sparkling in my eyes.
“Thank you,” Lyla said, leaning over to receive a kiss from her husband. It was so cute and sweet, and heartbreaking. I should have that.
I tried to bury my bitterness, sucking down water like it was going out of style while Clay carved the roast for everyone.
“So, Bear, any idea what you’re going to do with yourself now that you’re back in town?” Clay asked casually, once we were all digging in.
Bear grumbled, drinking from his whiskey glass. It seemed to be the only answer he was keen on giving even though none of us really seemed to have heard any words from him.
Clay and Lyla exchanged a glance that I didn’t miss.
“This is really good,” I said, shoving a piece of roast potato in my mouth. It was enough to get their attention off of Bear for a minute, to bring back the light conversation that he’d taken no part in.
A Baby for the Soldier (Boys of Rockford Series Book 2) Page 3
