“Or that I’m going to be in trouble if I don’t get them done,” I said, feeling a little lighter after that release of emotions. I didn’t realize how much it was all weighing down on me. But my shoulders felt lighter, it felt like there was a weight lifted off my chest, like I could walk a little taller.
“Oh, well, that may be true,” she said, with a spark in her cool gray eyes that made my heart skip.
“And I certainly don’t want to be in trouble with you,” I said matter-of-factly.
“You definitely don’t,” she said, light and teasing. How’d we switch gears like that? Not that I was complaining. I was so sick of being sad all the time.
“If you need anything, help yourself. Dallas and I will be home around five. You’re welcome to stay for dinner if you’re still around.”
I nodded and thanked her, but I had no intention of sticking around that long. Or, well… It sounded like a good idea until she left.
Because as soon as Lexi left and I was left alone in her house, all I could think about was Wyatt and what a shitty friend I was being.
Friends didn’t think about their friend’s wife the way I thought about Wyatt’s wife. Friends didn’t think about making a move on said wife only months after their friend died.
Friends helped their dead friend’s wife with chores around the house and left without any lingering, or flirting, or compensation.
That’s what friends did, and I damn well needed to remember that.
Every little task I did, every turn of the wrench, I thought of Wyatt. I thought about what could have pushed him to make such a terrible decision. How could he give this all up?
I know it wasn’t much to look at, but it was more than I ever hoped to dream for. It was a nice house, a loving wife, a good kid, a solid job with a kick-ass retirement.
What the hell, man?
I knew I’d never have answers and I should’ve just stopped searching for them. Nothing would ever came of it and I’d just end up more frustrated and angry at him in the end.
I didn’t want to be angry at him anymore. I’d been angry long enough. With him, with me, with the whole blasted circumstance, but it was getting old. Outrage fatigue was real and I couldn’t hold on to the same level of anger anymore for extended periods of time. I couldn’t maintain the frothing rage when all I really felt was despondence.
It was a challenge to hold on to my sanity all alone in Wyatt’s house, surrounded by his stuff and his family’s life. As much as I didn’t want to be mad at him anymore, it was enough to make me want to scream at the heavens. They didn’t deserve this. No one did, but especially not Lexi and Dallas.
Damn it, Wyatt, I cursed him for what felt like the thousandth time.
I glanced at the time on my phone and realized that I’ve been here way longer than I thought. I must have worked right through lunch, just going from one task to the next, determined to keep myself as busy as possible. And it worked, because I only had twenty minutes before Lexi was supposed to be home and I wanted to be packed up and out of there before then.
I had to be, because if she came home and invited me to stay for dinner again, I wouldn’t be able to say no to her. If she came back with Dallas, and he was as eager and excited to see me as he was yesterday, I didn’t know if my heart can take it. I didn’t deserve that kind of reception or welcome. Especially not with this family. Not when I was the reason they were hurting so much.
So I packed up as fast as I could, cursing myself the whole time because I wanted to stay. I do. I wanted to be there for dinner, I wanted to hear about Lexi’s day, I wanted to help Dallas with his homework if he needed it.
But it wasn’t my place. It wasn’t my family. It was Wyatt’s, even if he gave it all up. Even if he was the biggest idiot in the world and couldn’t see how valuable what he had was. It was still not mine to take.
I headed straight home to the hotel, making the briefest pit stop at McDonald’s for something to eat. But my double cheeseburger was cold by the time I got to my room, and I wasn’t really interested in it. Instead, I grabbed the bottle of whiskey off the dresser and poured myself a nice big glass of that. I was a fucking coward, sitting there in my dark hotel room, drowning my sorrows and bitterness instead of actually facing any of it. But it was a lot easier to greet the old friend at the bottom of the bottle, so I just kept drinking.
At some point, I’d had enough liquor in my system that staying awake wasn’t an option anymore. I just hoped that there was enough alcohol to keep the nightmares at bay.
10
Lexi
While at work, all I could think about was that morning with Bear at my house. I hadn’t expected to come home to find him crying on the couch, but the instant I’d seen him, my heart went out to him.
And while we held each other and let it all out, I felt like there was some kind of breakthrough happening. Like maybe I was finally starting to understand Bear a little bit more. Starting to understand his surliness and grumpiness.
Clearly, I wasn’t the only person who lost Wyatt. Bear did too. And Bear was actually over there with Wyatt when it happened. He blamed himself for not seeing the signs because he spent so much time with him every day.
But like I told him before, he couldn’t really be expected to help someone if he didn’t know there’s anything wrong.
Still, he had to feel awful. He had to be beating himself up every moment of every day. And every memory of Wyatt, as painful as it was for me, must be ten times as bad for him. As much as I wished Wyatt had let me know there was something going on, had let me in to help him, I knew that there was nothing I really could have done differently.
Bear didn’t feel that way. Bear felt like he screwed up. Like he had let me down.
It was no wonder he was so unbearably grouchy all the time.
I couldn’t believe it had taken me that long to realize it, either. I was normally better at reading people. I wasn’t normally so self-centered. I’d had a lot on my mind, a lot on my plate. But I knew, I could do better. I could try to be more patient with him. I think we needed each other. That morning, the comfort that we gave one another was something I longed for over the last few months. It felt so nice to be held, to be comforted, to not be judged for my display of emotions.
I swallowed thickly, wondering if it meant as much to Bear, if he had been as desperate for human connection as I had been? I couldn’t forget the dark, broken look in his eyes. It was burned into my memory, making my heart ache for him every time I remembered it. He’d been through so much pain and tragedy.
We all had.
And I wanted it to stop. I wanted to find the way out of this hole for all of us, even if I was the one that had to be pulling on the rope. I was tired of living my life like it would never be the same again. Obviously i wasn’t going to be the same, but that didn’t mean I’d never be happy again. It didn’t mean I would be alone forever. It didn’t mean that every holiday was going to be a somber occasion for the rest of our lives.
Wyatt was gone, and it sucked. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. But I wasn’t dead. I still had a life to live, and so did Bear, whether he thought it was worth living right now or not.
I was just getting ready to take my lunch break when the front door of the library opened and a friendly-looking older man approached the reference desk. My stomach grumbled, but I put on a big smile for him.
“Good afternoon.”
He smiled back. “Hello, young lady. I’m hoping you can help me out with a little project I’m doing.”
“Well, that’s what I’m here for. What kind of project?” I expected him to want some kind of book on home improvement or car repair or something like that. Most people these days went to the internet, but old guys like this frequently prefer dead-tree books. Me, I didn’t really have a preference. I loved stories, I loved information, and anything that helped those two things spread to more people was okay where I was concerned.
“I’m
working on the family tree for my grandkids… Want them to know where they come from even when I’m not around to tell them the stories, but I have some things that aren’t adding up.”
My eyebrows went up. That guy’s project had just gotten a lot more interesting. That was the kind of stuff I lived for. Digging deep in the archives, pulling out microfiche, poring through old records and newspapers.
It wasn’t the kind of thing that happens often in Rockford, but when it did, I jumped at the chance. It was like being a detective in a way.
“Well, we’ve got census data and newspapers. They frequently announced births, baptisms, weddings, deaths, that kind of thing. Has your family been in the area long?”
“As far back as this town goes,” he said, his eyes glittering with excitement too. I had found a kindred soul in that ancestry/history nerd.
“All right, let’s see what you’ve got!” I said brightly, lunch all but forgotten. It wasn’t every day that a mystery walked into my library.
He introduced himself as Henry, and then pulled out a briefcase that he set on the counter. It was practically a treasure trove in itself. There were old photos, a family bible, newspaper clippings, a christening gown, all kinds of stuff, most of it in great condition. There was some fading in the pictures from sun or water exposure, but each one had a story, and I could feel it as I carefully sifted through them.
“I should be wearing gloves for this,” I muttered to myself. Henry chuckled and shook his head.
“It’s just old junk from the attic.”
I shook my head. He had no idea what kind of gold mine he was sitting on. Not literally of course. None of it was probably worth anything unless someone in his family happened to be an influential historical figure, but just the value of seeing that kind of history was impossible to put a price on.
“Oh wow, I’ve never even seen one of these in person,” I said, pulling out a case with an old daguerreotype photo in it. “They used to use silver plates to capture the image.”
“I always heard people didn’t smile in those because it took so long to develop,” he said.
“Sometimes, but it wasn’t long before exposure only took a couple of seconds. Some people think it’s because dentistry wasn’t as common and people didn’t want to show their lack of teeth. But it’s more likely that people sat for portraits the same way they did paintings. Most old paintings don’t feature big smiles like we’d expect today. It was kind of seen like you were a little crazy if you were grinning like that in a painting.”
“Well lookie there, I already learned something today,” Henry said with a chuckle.
Time flies when you’re having fun, and we were deep in the archives, picking out little anecdotes about Henry’s ancestors. They ran the gamut from preachers to bank robbers — even in the same set of brothers. It was fascinating, and I couldn’t get enough of it, but Henry looked over at the clock and started sweeping his things up.
“I’m sorry, you probably want to close up and here I am just hogging all your time.”
I shook my head. “Nonsense. This is the most excitement I’ve ever had at this job. This kind of stuff is why I got into it.”
He smiled and patted the back of my hand. “You’re a good kid. Think you could stand to look at me again tomorrow?”
“I’d be disappointed if you didn’t,” I said, smiling back.
He wasn’t wrong though. It was about time to close up. Dallas would be here from the bus soon, and then it would time to head home. See if Bear was still there.
I bit my lip thinking about it, a little too eager for Bear to stay over for dinner.
Just as Henry left the library, someone else came through the door pushing a stroller, and she immediately beamed at me.
“Oh good! You’re still here,” Lyla said, flitting over and hugging me, even though her pregnant belly kind of got in the way. Annabelle was fast asleep in the stroller, making cute little gurgling noises that made me miss when Dallas was that small.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked, heading around to my desk. I had paperwork to do before I could close up for the night, but Lyla could stick around while I did that. It was pretty hard to distract me. I was used to being pulled in a hundred directions. Two was nothing.
“I just got Emma signed up for tee ball and her first game is this weekend! I was wondering if you and Dallas might want to come out and join our little cheering section?”
I ignored my gut reaction to say no, and smiled, nodding. “I’d love to!”
“Oh good. I was worried you might not be ready for…”
I shook my head, holding up a hand. “I’m trying this new thing where I force myself to do things until it gets easier. I’m pretty sure that’s the only way it happens.” At least I hoped it would get easier. I guess in some ways it already had started to. I was at work, after all. At work and presentable, hair and makeup and everything.
That was better than I had been doing a month ago, or even a couple of weeks ago, so I had to give myself some credit where credit was due.
“Yeah, I think that’s the only thing you can do. I’m sure some days are harder than others, but from what I’ve heard, the average gets easier and easier…”
“Yeah…”
“Hey,” she said, her voice picking up a more chipper note as she changed subjects. “Have you talked to Bear since the other night?”
“A little,” I said, not wanting to really get into the whole thing.
“Do you have any idea what’s up with his attitude? He was being so shitty the other night. I mean, I get it that he’s going through some stuff, but we all are, right? We tried to have a nice welcome home for him and he acted like he was doing us a favor by being there. You knew Bear before… I only just met him, is this… him?” She looked uncertain and I couldn’t say I blamed her. That was the guy her husband’s been best friends with for years and he didn’t exactly make a good impression. Your partner having a really crappy friend could throw into question all their other judgment calls. It could make you wonder if they’re also like that deep down.
So I had to reassure her before she let her worries get the best of her.
“No,” I said firmly, squeezing her shoulder. “That’s not how he normally is. He’s grieving and I think he’s taking it a lot harder than the rest of us. He’s blaming himself for it all—”
“Oh no,” Lyla said, pouting. “He shouldn’t do that!”
“I know, but you know how these guys are… He thinks he should have seen it coming and stopped it. I don’t really know how to make him see that it’s not his fault.”
Lyla made a sympathetic face and nodded. “I guess we just have to keep working on him. Oh! I know. I’ll invite him to Emma’s game, too,” she said brightly.
I didn’t bother telling her that he probably wouldn’t come. No use in crushing her hopes when she seemed in a better mood then. Let him be the one to reject her offer of hospitality. It wasn’t going to be me making her lip quiver. Besides, maybe he’d surprise me. He’d already done that more than once recently. Maybe he did just need some prodding to break out of that funk he was in. Maybe he just needed the reassurance that we weren’t blaming him and we were still all on his side.
“I’ll see you this weekend then?” she asked, wheeling the stroller around to face the door.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I said, hoping I could keep that promise. It was always easier agreeing to do things than actually doing them. But I knew it was important. Not just for Lyla, Emma, and Clay, but for me and Dallas too. Getting back to things that felt normal was the only way were re going to find our new normal. And it was time to start looking.
11
Bear
“You can’t be serious,” I said, shaking my head at the phone.
“Yes, I am fucking serious, so are you going to show your ugly mug, or not?” I guess word had somehow finally got around to my brother Knight that I was back in town. Who knows how. Things like that
just happened in towns like that. But it’d been years since I’d seen my younger brother — not that I minded the break all that much.
Knight had a reputation for being a hell-raiser, a trouble-maker. Always had been. While I was the strong, responsible one, he was the one wracking up misdemeanors before his sixteenth birthday. He’d never been all that dedicated to anything, and never managed to hold onto anything for long. Not jobs, not women, not money. He was always in between places, in between jobs, in between a rock and a hard place to hear him tell it.
But he actually turned around a little when he started dating a waitress with a toddler, and it had actually been over a year that they’d been together. I think he just stayed around for the kid, personally, but that was just me.
Yeah, Knight was actually a surprisingly good dad. That kid was his pride and joy. The one good thing he’d ever done, as he liked to say.
“You really want me to go to KJ’s tee ball game?” I scoffed.
“Yeah, you’re his uncle. You should get to know your nephew. He’s a pretty fucking cool little dude.”
“I don’t doubt it,” I said, shaking my head. I never would have pictured my brother playing the supportive dad. It was weird, but I was happy for him.
I sighed, not believing what I was about to say. “All right, I’ll come.”
“Hell yeah. KJ’s gonna be stoked.”
I didn’t know if I really believed that. Like he said, it wasn’t like we really knew each other or anything. I didn’t know why his kid would be so excited to see me unless my brother had been running his mouth and making up stories again.
He gave me the details for the game that afternoon, the time, the place, all that good stuff.
“So are we pre-gaming?” I asked, grinning though he can’t see it.
“Fuck you,” he laughed. “You better not show up smashed.”
“How else am I supposed to sit through kids not knowing which way to run?”
A Baby for the Soldier (Boys of Rockford Series Book 2) Page 6
