“You made it!” I exclaimed. “I’m proud of you. I bet Emma’s going to be glad to have you here, too.”
He made a face and shrugged. “My brother actually dragged me here for his girlfriend’s son.”
“Oh,” I said. Foot, meet mouth. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed—”
“BEAR!” Dallas cried from higher up on the bleachers. We weren’t the only ones who turned — I thought maybe some of the other parents thought there was an actual bear coming — but most people lost interest pretty quick. A kid yelling a random word wasn’t exactly newsworthy.
But then Dallas stampeded down the stairs, and tackled Bear, the two of them wrestled around, jostling into me. I was glad I didn’t have the soda anymore or it would had been on the poor lady in front of me.
“Dallas,” I hissed.
He stopped his roughhousing, looking apologetic, kicking his feet. “Sorry Mom.”
He gave it a beat, letting his apology sink in, before he looked up to Bear with wide eyes and a bright expression. It damn near killed me to see him so happy like that. It was so rare these days. I was so thankful that there were these little glimpses to give me hope for the future.
“Hey Bear?”
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Do you wanna come over to my house to see my new train set? It’s really cool. It has tunnels and bridges and a rock slide!”
“That does sound pretty cool,” he said, sending a look to me.
I knew what that look was for. My kid just asked him over and he was looking for confirmation. I could’ve stepped in and told Dallas no, but could I really? With that hopeful look on his face?
Not a chance. He might’ve been latching on to Bear, but I thought that was better than just drifting without being attached to anyone or anything. Would I like for him to be able to find that comfort in me? Of course. But did I understand why he prefered Bear? Yeah, obviously.
They’re guys, and not just that, but Bear was his dad’s best friend. They shared a lot, and Bear probably had even more stories than I did. And I understood Dallas being hesitant to come to me. As much as I had tried to hide it from him, I knew he knew how frequently I cried myself to sleep. How I missed so much work that I was completely out of time off now. He might not had gotten that concept, but he knew Mommy wasn’t really handling it any better than he was.
So I didn’t blame him at all for looking at Bear like he was the messiah or something. I just hoped Bear wasn’t going to crush his little spirit when he let him down.
“So you’ll come over, then?” Dallas asked, excitement evident in his voice.
Bear looked at me, his eyebrow still arched.
I sighed, shaking my head. No getting around it.
“I’d love it if you came by,” I said smiling. “Maybe for dinner tomorrow?”
Bear seemed to consider it for a moment, and I think he might have actually been gearing up to say no. Maybe to reject my offer of dinner and say he only cares about the train.
“Sounds good,” he said instead with a nod.
“Yes!” Dallas cheered, running off to rejoin his friends.
Once he was out of earshot, Bear sank down to the hard metal bench beside me, leaning in close enough to talk at a normal level over all the cheering parents. The first game was going on, but Emma wasn’t in this one, and by the looks of it, Bear’s nephew wasn’t either, since he wasn’t paying any attention to the game.
“Hey, don’t feel obligated to—”
“I don’t,” I said quickly.
“I mean, if you didn’t want me staying for dinner…”
“I invited you, didn’t I?” I said, a little defensiveness coming into my voice. Was he just trying to get me to uninvite him so he wouldn’t have to come?
“Well, yeah, but if that was just for Dallas—”
“Well, if you’re only coming over for his sake, you don’t have to. I can break it to him if you don’t want to come over.”
“I didn’t say that,” he said, his voice dropping, growing a little softer.
I swallowed the anger that had just started to flare up. I didn’t think he was trying to weasel out of it after all. He looked too sincere now, and it was making it hard for me to breathe. His eyes were so blue, so deep, it felt like I could just fall right into them like an endless pool of sky.
“What do you want for dinner? I’m no Lyla, but I can put something edible together.”
He shrugged. “Surprise me. I’ll eat just about anything.”
My mind went places it definitely should not have been going and a flush flooded my cheeks. I don’t know if he noticed, because it was pretty hot out there that day. I hoped not. But the thought of the things Bear could eat… including me, made me squeeze my legs together, clenching my knees tight.
What is wrong with you, Lexi?
It’d been way too long since you’ve gotten laid, that’s what.
It probably didn’t hurt that Bear was so attractive, so built. It didn’t hurt that he was great with my kid and handy around the house.
It was just loneliness and hormones. Every woman was attracted to a man that was good with kids. It almost wasn’t even fair, especially when they looked like Bear.
“You all right?” he asked. Shit. He must’ve noticed the flush, or the sudden awkwardness, or something.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” I said. “Just…” I looked back over my shoulder at Dallas and my heart ached. Guilt rushed in again and I felt like the worst person alive.
It was so wrong to be thinking these things about my dead husband’s friend. I knew it was. So why couldn’t I stop it? Why was it that everytime I saw Bear, I felt a little bit closer to him? I felt a little bit more affinity.
It seemed so disrespectful to Wyatt’s memory, but at the same time, I felt disrespected by Wyatt. For him putting me in that position. It wasn’t fair and I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to forgive him.
“Just what?” Bear asked, sounding sincerely concerned.
“Dallas,” I said, not even sure what I was getting at. He was my biggest worry. I worried about how he was adjusting, how he was going to grow up without a dad, who would teach him the ‘manly’ stuff I didn’t have any idea about. I worried that he’d withdraw into himself, or start lashing out. I worried he would need years of therapy or that whatever had drove Wyatt to do what he did was hereditary and i was going to be a lifelong struggle for Dallas.
I worried about all those things, all the time. And so much more. Am I going to be able to do it as a single parent? I didn’t even know if my income was going to be enough to support us long-term.
And when I worked full-time to support us, who was going to be able to go to his events and conferences and field trips?
Not his dad, that’s for sure.
“He’s a good kid,” Bear said. “Smart, strong. He’s a lot like Wyatt,” he said, his voice cracked just a little if I wasn’t mistaken. Maybe I was just hearing things though. I wouldn’t be surprised at that point.
“I don’t know if that’s such a good thing anymore,” I muttered, realizing how bad it sounded as soon as the words are out.
I gasped, and covered my mouth, my eyes were wide with the horror at what I had just said.
“Oh my god, that sounded so terrible,” I groaned, dropping my head into my hands.
“No… I know what you mean. If Wyatt was able to fool all of us…”
“Then Dallas might be able to, too,” I finished for him. “Yeah, I’ve thought about it a lot. I’m terrified for him to be a teenager.”
“You’re a good mom, Lex. He’ll be all right.”
I frowned, but I didn’t want to argue with him. I wanted him to be right. I wanted those voices in my head that told me terrible things were going to happen no matter what I did, to just shut up and leave me alone. My future wasn’t hopeless, no matter what those voices wanted me to think. I wasn’t going to fail my son. I wasn’t going to let my own grief get in the way of being the
best mother I could possibly be.
I appreciated that Bear thought I was a good mom. I didn’t know what he was really basing it on, since he’d only interacted with us a couple of times, but I think he was probably just trying to make me feel better.
That was sweet in its own way.
There was a groan from the crowd, and we looked out on the field just in time to watch two of the littlest kids collide while running. Their helmets cracked together and they both fell back butt-first, looking stunned and confused.
Just when it looked like there’s going to be a joint-wail starting, the crowd started cheering them on. The little boys looked around kind of confused still, swiping at tears and sniffles, and watched the cheering crowd with awe.
Before too long, the faces that looked like they were going to dissolve into tears, broke into grins, and the kids started running again, both of them going in opposite — and equally wrong — directions.
“Knight told me it was funny to watch them be dumb. I didn’t really know what he meant, but that was pretty cute,” he chuckled.
“Yeah. It’s fun to watch them at this age. They grow up so fast,” I said, looking back at Dallas again, heaviness settling into my heart.
“I hate that Wyatt’s not ever going to see him grow up…”
Bear didn’t respond as the next batter went up to the tee. “I should head back to my brother saide says abruptly, standing and leaving without me able to get another word in first.
Did I say something weird? Did I have hot dog breath? I frowned as I watched him walk away, so many confusing feelings swirled around in me without answers.
Maybe I’d be able to get them out of him tomorrow at dinner. If he didn’t bail on me.
13
Bear
So Knight might have had a point. It was fun to watch the kids run around, falling, sliding, running into each other. It was almost like being at the circus or something. But when it came time for KJ to come out on the field, the two of us whooped and hollered like he was going out for the MLB.
KJ tried really hard to pretend he didn’t hear, see, or even know us. Poor kid was clearly embarrassed by his pseudo-dad’s enthusiasm, but part of being an adult included not giving a shit about being too excited for something. Especially when it was your (semi) kid.
“Come on, KJ! Show ‘em what you’ve got!”
The kid stepped up to the tee, narrowed his eyes and wriggled his hips, getting into his batting stance. Then he swung with all his might, barely clipping the ball, sending it bouncing down center field. He was so excited about hitting it, that he forgot to run until we started coaching him from the stands.
The Stingrays fell over themselves trying to get the ball as it slipped through their little fingers. KJ rounded third and then ran all the way home, passing his teammate on second as he made the lap. That’s part of what made it so silly. These kids didn’t know the rules of the game, they were just out there trying to have fun and make their parents proud.
KJ jumped up and down as soon as he reached home plate, but the the coaches had to readjust everything since he shouldn’t have ever gotten that far.
The weirdest part of the whole thing to me was that they didn’t keep score. How’d the kids even know who won if there wasn’t anyone keeping score? Seemed silly to me, but everyone was having fun, and that’s what really mattered.
Knight started to get up after KJ’s game, but I stayed put.
“You suddenly found a deep love of tee ball, bro?”
“My buddy’s got a kid in the next game,” I said, cheering with the rest of them as Emma came out.
Knight sat back down, cheering with me. He didn’t know Emma or her parents, but that didn’t matter. Emma soaked up the praise and attention.
Her team had the next age bracket older than KJ, so the game was actually almost legit. It was still tee ball, but kids were actually tagging each other out, stealing bases, the whole thing. I was actually kind of impressed by it.
Throughout the game though, I was distracted. My eyes drawn back over to Lexi, sitting with Lyla, cheering Emma on. Every time she jumped to her feet, her perky tits bounced freely without a bra. Even from across the stands, I thought I could just see the dusky outline of her nipples peeking through the fabric, but it could have just as well been my imagination as anything else. I should have probably told my imagination to knock it off, but I liked what I was picturing, and I couldn’t find it in myself to stop it.
Finally, all the games were over and the stands started to clear out. Knight waited for KJ to run up to him and then turned to me.
“Thanks for coming today, man. It means a lot. KJ’s excited to know his Uncle Bear, aren’t you bud?”
KJ still looked a little weary of me, but he nodded slowly, probably the best I could hope for from him.
“I’ll catch you around,” I said, waving at them both as I started to walk away, out of the parking lot.
“Hey, Bear!” Knight called, making me stop and turn with my brows raised.
“Yeah?”
His forehead creased in thought. “Did you walk here?”
I shrugged. “Yeah?”
He scoffed. “Get in my car, you weirdo.”
I thought about rejecting his offer — the walk was nice and peaceful — but it was pretty hot and I hadn’t had anything to drink while sitting out in the sun and sweating. The last thing I needed was dehydration to kick in on my way back to the hotel. So I didn’t argue, just followed Knight and KJ to their vehicle.
“In you get,” Knight said, opening the back door for KJ. He hopped up into his booster seat and Knight fastened the straps, making sure everything was tight and secure.
He might have been a fuck-up in a lot of ways, but when it came to taking care of the kid, it seemed like Knight had finally learned how to step up.
“Where we headed?” Knight asked, starting the ignition.
“The motel off the highway,” I answered. He gave me this horrified look. “What?”
“You’re staying in that shithole?” His eyes flicked up to the rearview mirror. “Sorry bud. Bad words.”
I looked back in the mirror too, and got the impression that if Knight hadn’t quickly apologized, KJ would have scolded him.
“But seriously, what are you doing there? I thought you were doing okay financially,” he said with a deep frown.
“I am,” I said. “I just… I don’t know.”
“You’re too scared to commit to actually being back,” he said, surprisingly astute for a brother I never really talked to. “Look, I know we’ve never been close, but I know you. This Army thing has been your whole deal for a long time and now it’s not and I’m guessing you’re probably in a little bit of denial about it, huh?”
I grumbled under my breath.
“So how long are you planning on staying in the fleabag, postponing moving on with your life?”
“Shut up,” I muttered.
“Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you’re not just staying in some crappy hotel room because you don’t want to believe you’re back here for good.”
I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest. “When the hell did you become a therapist?”
Knight grinned at me. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, brother. But you’re changing the subject. You can’t really be happy in that place, can you?”
I grumbled again, but he was right. I knew what I told Lexi about the whole thing, that it was plenty to have a roof over my head and a place to lay my head at night, but that wasn’t really true anymore.
Knight had a point. When I was drinking myself into a stupor every night, the motel room seemed perfectly adequate, but if I was going to stay around town for any amount of time, I needed to get a place of my own. I needed to stop hiding out and wallowing in my own misery.
“Got somewhere better in mind?”
He grinned again, and this time it sent a prickle of dread going down my spine.
“As a matter of fact
… I saw a house for rent in town earlier today. Bet there aren’t too many takers. Not a whole lot of new people in town, you know. Most people are leaving, not coming.”
That suited me just fine. More people just meant more problems.
As Knight drove away from the stadium, I realized he wasn’t driving toward the motel.
“Knight,” I grumbled a warning.
“Just look at it, would you? Get the number. What could it hurt?”
I groaned. I liked it better when we didn’t get along or talk. Then he wasn’t meddling.
That’s not really fair though. I knew he was only doing this to try to help. He had good intentions, and with KJ in the back, I wasn’t going to make a big scene or start an argument. Worst case scenario, I’d waste a few minutes going out of the way on my way back to the motel.
He pulled up outside the little house, and I had to admit, it didn’t look bad. Not like anything special, really, but good enough. We got out of the car and walked around the place, looked in the windows to see what we could. The whole time, Knight was talking about where I could put furniture or a grill in the backyard.
“If I tell you I’ll call him, will you take me back to my hotel room?” I asked finally, snapping a picture of the ‘For Rent’ sign with the phone number.
“Yes,” he said, nodding emphatically. “I just don’t want to see you get stuck in a rut,” he said, sincerity coming into his voice for the first time. That made me swallow. I could understand that feeling. After what happened with Wyatt, I could understand why he’d be worried about me.
“I’m all right,” I said.
He nodded, and we both got back in his car without talking about it anymore. I had a lot to think about now. A lot to get done in the next few days.
After Knight dropped me off, I sank into the creaky hotel bed and pulled up the number for the rental. Twenty minutes later, the place was mine.
It was kind of crazy, but I got the impression the guy was eager to have a tenant, and I’m not exactly a stranger around town, so he seemed to think it would be a good fit.
A Baby for the Soldier (Boys of Rockford Series Book 2) Page 8
