by Nichelle Rae
Then I got angry. Angry at myself, angry at the people of The Pitt for what they did to her. “Can you imagine how that feels, Ortheldo?” I said in a throaty voice. “That emptiness, that void of having the only solid grasp you had in this world suddenly taken away from you? You have no idea how little she had, and how desperately she was holding onto that. Now that we’ve betrayed her, she has nothing!”
He stared at me in confused horror, unable to grasp the entirety of what I was saying. No one really could. So, I decided to put it into terms he would understand. “Ortheldo, you may have just lost her forever.” I bowed my head. “I may have lost her forever.” My stomach lurched but I held it in.
Ortheldo sunk to his knees. “What?”
I tried to force my stomach to calm down. “She believes she made a mistake by getting as close to you as she did. You have no idea of the progress you were making with her, though it seemed minimal to you. She was opening up to you. I could see it, because I know how reserved she was in The Pitt. Not that anyone really cared to get to know my sister, but even around me sometimes, or Beldorn, or our mother. She was scared inside, scared to let anyone get near her.
“You probably just lost any trusting ties you’d made with her,” I looked down, “as have I.” My sister. Azrel. My heart ached at the thought of losing her, my only surviving family, my best friend. “And I don’t know how to get it back,” I squeaked, barely able to make my voice any higher. “I’ve never lost it before.” I squeezed my eyes shut at the pain and heavy guilt of hurting Azrel, the one person I cared about more than breathing.
I’m sorry, Azrel, I thought. I looked at Ortheldo’s stunned face as he tried to wrap his mind around the complete and utter damage that we both had just done. I’m so sorry. Please be okay. Please forgive me. I’m so sorry.
The dark was nothing. The rain pelting my body and soaking me was nothing. I didn’t care. Nor did I care about the mud covering me while I lay in a puddle in the ally way. I cared least of all about the people staring at me that happened by. I remained curled up on the ground as night fell. I cried. I sobbed. I begged the Gods to end my life, though I already knew that They, too, had abandoned me, just like the two people I’d loved more than my own life.
Yes, I loved Ortheldo. I loved him. When I woke up in tears and saw him cradling me in his arms and singing to me, I knew. When I saw unshed tears in his eyes, conjured from worry for me, I knew. I loved him deeply. I always had, but it took me sixteen years to realize it.
Love. That was the warm, exciting feeling I got when I looked into his periwinkle eyes. That’s why I couldn’t catch my breath when he smiled. That’s why I felt out of sorts when he looked at me in that special way. It was because I loved him. The sight of him made me melt inside and —
NO! I pushed the thought of him away and continued crying in agony. Empty. Hollow. That’s all I felt right now. They made fun of me. They laughed at me! My brother.
I screamed in agony at the thought of him. More people stared at me. I drew my knees up tighter to my chest and cried harder. My brother. He was making fun of me! The only being I had left in the world, the one that had seen, up close and personally, how the people of his hateful land treated me. I thought Rabryn understood. I thought Rabryn knew.
I might as well have stayed in The Pitt. At least then I could have avoided the pain of falling in love with my longtime friend then having him do this to me. No, it was my fault. I’d been stupid to get so close to him, stupid to let him in! Everything I touched spoiled, and the more it meant to me, the more devastating its spoil was.
I sobbed past the burning pain in my throat. I could barely breathe. I was hoping to choke, to literally choke to death on these emotions. I hoped to be mugged and stabbed. I hoped for anything to happen that could end my existence right now.
Why was I alive? Why was I even here? Why did everything around me have to go wrong? Both of my parents died in front of my eyes. The wounds now inflicted by my best friend and more horribly, my brother. Norka’s death. Falling into a river and being left in the snow for dead. My entire life in The Pitt. My mother’s home burning down. All of this was because of me. All of this was because of me!
I covered my head with both my arms and rocked myself back and forth on my side as if it would help the pain ebb. I willed myself to die. If Ortheldo’s father could do it then so could I. I wanted this life over. I wanted this life to end, this life that probably never wanted me in the first place. I wanted to die. I wanted to see my father and mother again. I wanted to be with them in the afterlife. Peace. Tranquility. Belonging. Love. All those things awaited me in the other world; I just had to get there. I wanted my family!
“Mama,” I sobbed. “Mama, take me home. Daddy, I want to go h–home. Please let me come home!”
Rabryn and Ortheldo had made fun of me! They’d laughed at me! I wanted to scream, but my words only came out in a squeaking sob. I tried to grit my teeth against it. My head pounded and I coughed violently. I just wanted it to end.
A hand suddenly rested on my shoulder. Then another hand pulled my arms down from my head. I looked up at the black outline of a person as rain beat down on my face. I recognized the mat of curly hair.
“Loir?” I squeaked.
“Well, I couldn’t have planned this better myself,” he said with surprising surety. He didn’t sound anything like the bumbling boy I’d seen at the inn.
My brows dropped. “What?” He gripped my shoulders and forced me roughly to my back and straddled my thighs. “What are…?” I began, but then stopped as he gripped my breasts hard and crushed his mouth to mine. He groaned with pleasure, then pulled away and sucked in a deep breath between his teeth as he squeezed my breasts harder. He was going to rape me.
I sighed in numb defeat and let my arms fall completely limp at my sides. Whatever. My brother had betrayed me. What effect could this stranger possibly have on me?
“I’ve been dying to have you since I saw you walk in the door,” he said, lifting my shirt to expose my entire upper body. I closed my eyes and waited for him to begin. He bent down and pressed his mouth to my stomach and worked his way up to my naked breasts.
He suddenly looked down at me puzzled. “You won’t fight me?”
I half heartedly shook my head without looking at him. “Get on with it.” Empty. Hollow. A shell of myself.
Loir chuckled. “Well, okay then.” He leaned down and took the flesh of my breasts into his mouth, sucking on my skin like an infant. He moaned and I felt his body tremble. “Oh, I’m going to enjoy you,” he said around the skin he was mouthing.
I closed my eyes and willed myself to die, harder than I had before. My body was the only thing lying outside in the wet mud; my mind was searching for the door to death. I wouldn’t open my eyes again until I found the doorway that led home, the doorway that led to my mother and father. I wouldn’t! I had no good reason to open my eyes. None.
Suddenly my ears heard Loir gasp then, “N—!”
He didn’t even get the rest of the word out before I heard the unmistakable metallic ring of a sword coming unsheathed and the sound of metal crashing into flesh and bone. I felt the warm splatter of blood and gore shower down onto my entire face and naked upper body.
Mama. Daddy. Where are you? I hoped that this person would take my life too. Rape me if you want, but kill me after! I screamed in my mind.
The pain was so raw, yet I couldn’t die! I couldn’t even kill myself the right way! I started crying anew. Why did my brother hate me all the sudden? Did I not love him enough? Didn’t he love me at all? He was laughing at me.
“Please kill me,” I begged the stranger hovering over me. “Please take away the hurt. Take away the pain,” I sobbed. “Take away the emptiness.”
A pair of fingers grasped the bottom of my shirt by my neck and gently pulled it down to cover my exposed skin. I felt a hand slip under my shoulders and another under my thighs. I was lifted off the ground and out of the mud. It dri
pped off my clothes and the ends of my hair, but I refused to open my eyes. I wasn’t even sure I could anymore, so drained from distress. I said another weak prayer to the Gods to end my life. I didn’t want to live to see another hateful day in this world. I didn’t want to draw one more breath. I wanted to be home with my family.
The person carrying me ascended a short flight of stairs, then carried me through a door. Warm light fell on my face and slightly lit the blackness behind my eyelids.
“Oh, dear me!” a woman’s voice said in the distance inside the building. Heavy footfalls quickly came my way. I felt hands on my face. “Dear Gods!” The hands left my cheeks. “Bring the poor thing in here.” The footsteps walked away, and the person holding me followed.
I probably should have opened my eyes, but I didn’t dare. I hoped that if I kept them closed long enough I’d still be able to prevent them from ever opening again.
I heard a fire going and then someone pumping water, no doubt under a tub. Oh, a hot bath! I hadn’t had a hot bath since I left The Pitt. My arms broke out in goose pimples at the thought.
The woman chuckled. “I think she would like a bath.”
I would. But I doubted even a hot bath could sooth the emptiness. However, the kindness of these folks was shocking.
“I’m going to hurry supper along so the poor dear can eat. Start undressing her and put her in.” There was a silent pause, then the woman said, “Darling, don’t worry.” Footsteps left the room.
The pair of arms carrying me slowly set me down on my bottom, then gently lowered my head to the floor. I was quickly undressed and picked up again. I felt the steam of the warm water hit my cold, dirty, clammy skin and shuddered violently in the person’s arms. I was slowly lowered into the bathtub and I curled up into a ball with my knees pulled in to my chest. As I sat there, I felt the dirt and mud and Loir’s blood start to melt away.
Suddenly a small cloth was rubbed against my back in small, gentle, circular motions. It was dipped into the water a few times and again rubbed against my skin. Unintentionally, I let a soft moan escape as the person worked up to my shoulder blades and behind my neck. I realized that my face was sticky from Loir’s splattered blood and gore. I cupped some water in my hands and splashed it on my face, feeling the grossness melt away. The steam from the hot bath managed to loosen my eyelids, and they slowly opened again.
The large bathing room was lit with warm yellow light from numerous bright lamps on the walls. There really wasn’t much to it: a wooden plank floor and empty, light colored walls. In front of me sat a tall shelf filled with numerous folded clothes, and to my right, the doorway into a hall. In the back right hand corner was a sitting pot and a wooden chair next to that, its back against the wall. To my left was the pump that had filled the bath and a window, just above me.
I sighed and looked down into the gruesome water. Dirt had settled on the bottom of the white tub and the water was tinted maroon from the blood and mud that had covered me. The person continued to gently massage my back with the small cloth.
“Not much of a talker, huh?” I said without looking back, feeling the need to fill the silence.
The massaging stopped for a moment. Then a small piece of parchment with writing on it appeared in front of me. I could say the same for you.
I smiled and turned to face this kind stranger. When I saw him, my entire face went slack. It couldn’t be! “Addredoc?” I breathed.
His swollen black and purple eyes shifted downward, and he nodded. I actually covered my mouth with both hands. I couldn’t believe the degree of his father’s beating. Half of his face was loose and limp, as if every bone on that side was gone. The other side was swollen beyond forgivable standards and just about entirely black.
When I saw his jaw, I pressed my hands tighter to my mouth to keep from screaming, or throwing up. He couldn’t speak because his jaw was wired shut. The thick, black wire weaved in and out of his skin in hideous crisscross designs with a small pool of clotted blood surrounding each entry and exit of the wire.
“Gods,” I squeaked, unable to imagine his pain. For his sake, I hoped he was on at least fifty different painkilling herbs. With that thought my mind quickly and unexpectedly went to the necklace. I’d almost completely forgotten about it! It was in my pants pocket. I wondered if I should grab it now and risk —.
“Oh, the lovely dear decided to join us in this world,” a gentle voice said.
I looked at the doorway and saw the woman standing there. She was rather tall, a little taller than the average woman, and wore a blue, simple, knee-length wool dress and yellow shoes. Her thick, shoulder-length blonde hair was wavy and disheveled. She looked like she’d been working in humid weather all day. Her face was youthful and clear. She would be rather beautiful if she didn’t look so overworked.
She came over to me and pulled a bucket from behind the tub. Bending down, she dipped it in the water and held it up over me. “Close your eyes, dear, and we’ll get you all cleaned up.” I closed my eyes and she emptied the bucket over my head. I felt the last of the mud and blood wash away from me. “There, there.” She kneeled beside the tub and began washing my hair with a handful of gel. It felt odd not using Isadith’s Salynn liquids to bathe. I’d used them almost every day since leaving Galad Kas over nine years ago.
“Addredoc, honey, why don’t you go watch over the supper? We’ll be out in a minute.”
Addredoc nodded and closed the door behind him.
The woman looked after him with tearful eyes. “My poor baby,” she whispered. She turned to me and gave me a soft smile. “Thank you for stopping my ex-husband from killing my son.” She swallowed uncomfortably. “Though I know what Addredoc said and did to you upon your first meeting.” She smiled a private smile for a moment then chuckled gently. “Thank you most of all for publicly bruising Thrawyn’s pride.”
“You know about all that?”
“Oh,” she cooed, “your voice is even sweeter than I thought.” She resumed with scrubbing my hair. “Yes, I know.” She swished her hands under the water to rinse off the suds. “Addredoc was sent to an herbest after your first encounter. I met him there and he told me what he said to you. He said, ‘Mama, that girl had every right to crack me like she did. A brave lady like that deserves no disrespect.’”
“Then why did he talk to me like that?”
She sighed and dipped the bucket under the water and poured it over my head again. After the third time, the suds were out of my hair and she kneeled at my side again. She put some cream in my hair and began rubbing it in, messaging my scalp.
“Unfortunately, as you saw, my husband is a jerk.” I smiled broadly. She paused and looked at me, a soft smile coming to her face. “You have a pretty smile, too.” I blushed a little. “Well, Thrawyn wants to ‘make a man’ out of Addredoc. In order to do that, my son must be a jerk just like him. Addredoc only treated you that way so he could please his father and avoid a beating. Addredoc gets beatings anyway, which is why I keep him safe at home as often as I can.” She tucked a strand of her short blonde hair behind her ear. “I wish I could let him out to experience the world, but I’m so afraid for him. Thrawyn only lives across town,” she sighed. “I think if he lived across the world it wouldn’t be far enough away.” She filled the bucket again and dumped it over my head.
I now understood why Addredoc had put the blame on Ortheldo for his knock on the head. I scrunched my face in pain at the thought of Ortheldo and quickly abandoned it.
“Darling, are you alright?” she asked, petting my hair.
She didn’t need to know about my problems, and I wasn’t about to tell her. “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.”
She stared at me skeptically for a moment, then her eyes softened. “Oh, listen to me rambling on, and we haven’t even exchanged names. How thoughtless. My name is Meddyn. You can call me Meddy.”
“I’m Azrel.”
“Azrel. What a beautiful name. What does it mean? Mine means ‘melody’
or ‘music.’ I’ve always liked my name because of that.”
I smiled. “I was once told my name means ‘victory.’”
Her mouth dropped and she gasped softly. “That is so beautiful.”
I smiled and looked down. “Thank you.”
The door suddenly squeaked open. Meddy and I looked to see Addredoc as he gave a painful nod of his head.
“Supper’s ready,” Meddy said, turning back to me as Addredoc closed the door. She was holding back tears as she walked to the shelf of clothes and came back to me. “Damn you, Thrawyn.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked as I stood from the filthy water.
She wrapped a large white cloth around me and started crying. “I’ve been preparing dinner since this morning. Its Addredoc’s favorite. Now because his jaw is wired shut he can’t eat his favorite meal. I made is especially for him.”
I didn’t want any kind person like her to suffer any pain. People like Meddyn didn’t deserve it. No good person should feel the lost helplessness that I was feeling. It was too much for anyone. It wasn’t her fault that the Gods had a sick, twisted idea of entertainment called human suffering.
I gently placed my hand on her shoulder and smiled. “Maybe I can help.” She looked at me confused as I walked away. I pulled open the door and went into the hallway. I followed it until it opened into an empty front room and a dining room deep to my left. The front door was to my right.
I looked in the dine room and saw Addredoc setting two plates down. In a third spot was a single cup with a straw. My heart sank. I walked up the two short stairs into the dining room and hoped I could use my magic, even if it meant going into the awkward, detached state of mind.
