by Naomi Niles
“You didn’t hear? Sarah was killed in a car accident after the party.”
I didn’t know how to take what she said. It was as if she had spoken a foreign language and my mind could not process her words. I stood still in line as the person ahead of me moved forward, creating a gap between us. I looked down at the coffee that warmed my hand, remembering that I texted Sarah earlier this morning. “No, no,” I said, laughing it off. “No way. I just texted her this morning. She is hungover in her bed right now. Are you sure you know what you’re talking about?”
I closed the gap in line as Meghan walked beside me. “Yes, I do.” There wasn’t a smile on her face. “I read the news this morning. She passed away in a car accident on her way home.”
“No,” I said, still in disbelief. “I think you’ve got something confused. Sarah is at home in bed right now. I have this coffee for her,” I said, holding the cup higher, “and I am about to give it to her.”
“Caroline, she is–”
I raised my voice. “No, Meghan! She is not!” The chatter around us hushed to silence as students looked in our direction. I was tired of her telling me something that I knew wasn’t true. Meghan took a step away from me and nodded her head. Her eyes watered as she turned her head away from me, and moments later, she headed out of the café. “The nerve of her,” I said as I placed the coffee on the counter and grabbed my cell phone to send Sarah another text.
I started to worry a bit once I saw that she didn’t respond to any of the five texts I sent her before now. “Sarah, is everything alright?” A sickening feeling shot to the pit of my stomach as I moved ahead in line and she still didn’t respond. I paid for my things, then quickly rushed to the bookstore to grab one of the morning papers. I grabbed it from the shelf, then sat down at one of the small tables to read through the pages.
“Um, ma’am,” the cashier at the bookstore said. “You have to purchase it if you’re going to read it.”
I waved her off, “Yeah, yeah, OK, whatever.”
“Ma’am? Ma’am…”
Her words faded in my mind as I scanned the school paper, looking for any news of Sarah’s so-called death. No way, I said to myself as I flipped through the pages. Before long, my eyes fell onto a small story in the right corner of the back page.
“A fatal accident occurred last night just off campus. One student crashed her vehicle into a pole. She is believed to have died on impact; further information about this story is not yet available.” I closed the newspaper as my mind drifted onto Sarah. No way, I thought as I stood up, laughing. No way. Accidents happen all the time, that doesn’t mean it was her. I don’t believe it.
I left the newspaper on the table, grabbed her cup of coffee, then rushed to her dorm room. I knocked impatiently a few times while I called her cell phone. “Sarah, stop it! This is not funny! Open the door!” I banged harder, but there was still no response.
A few minutes later, the resident advisor approached me in the hallway. “Can I help you?” he asked while I stood in front of the door, banging incessantly.
“My friend is in there, and I think something is wrong with her. She partied last night, and I’ve been calling her back to back, and she hasn’t been responding. I think she might be in trouble.” I looked at him as tears welled up near the bottom of my eyes. I wiped them away before they had a chance to fall. “Are you the RA? Can you open her room for me?”
“I can’t just go opening her room. I don’t know if you know this person.”
“Oh my God,” I showed him my phone. “She is my best friend. Look at all of these pictures. Sarah Zimmer is my best friend and has been for my whole life. She is in there, and I need to make sure she is alright! I’ve been texting and calling her all morning, and she hasn’t responded. Please!”
He tapped his foot on the floor as if he was contemplating whether or not he should let me in. “Oh my God, you are standing here wasting time!” I banged on the door. “Sarah! Sarah, open the door! Please! I am worried about you, Sarah!”
“Alright, alright,” he said. “Just wait here. I am going to get my key, and I’ll be right back.”
“Thank you!”
He came back a few minutes later and popped his key in the door. I quickly pushed it open as soon as it was unlocked, then rushed inside. Sarah’s bed was made up as if she hadn’t laid in it all night. Her room was spotless, and there was no sign that she had been there at all since last night. I shook my head, hoping that my mind was playing some kind of unnatural trick on me. “Um, she doesn’t look like she has been here,” the RA said as he stood beside me.
Shaking, I looked down at my phone to call her again, but before I could, her name popped up on my screen. A feeling of life rushed back into my heart as I quickly answered the call, “Sarah! Sarah, what the hell is wrong with you?! Where are you at?! I’m in your dorm, and I’m worried about you!” There was no response for a few moments. I looked at my phone to make sure she was the one who called me. “Sarah? Are you there?”
“Ma’am,” he said solemnly. This is Detective Strasberg. Can you come down to the Tempe Police Department? It is urgent.”
Chapter Five
Harrison
I laid in my bed all night without getting a wink of sleep. My head throbbed as I tossed and turned on my mattress, not able to find a comfortable position to sleep in. All I kept thinking about was my baby girl. She was so close to starting her life. Just months away from graduating, then heading out to California to pursue her career.
I glanced at the graduation picture she took just a week ago. She sat in her cap and gown, smiling with the whole world ahead of her. I never thought that I’d be the one burying her. In my mind, she would bury me when the time came. Just beside her picture, the clock on my nightstand read 5 am. Her funeral was later that day, at 1 pm, and ever since she was killed in a car accident, I’d been working like crazy at the office.
Brian would tell me to go home, but I couldn’t. It was the only way I could cope with the thought of Sarah not being here anymore. I had to keep my mind on as many different things as I could in order to keep from drowning in my own tears. I pulled myself out of bed and hopped in the shower, then headed to the office. It was almost 7 am when I showed up, and nobody was scheduled to be there until 10 am.
I grabbed some of the layouts for some contracts we just picked up and went over them with a fine-tooth comb to make sure we had the manpower and equipment we needed to get the project done. As my phone sat on top of my desk, I imagined that Sarah would call as soon as the clock switched to 8 am. I felt my eyes bubbling with tears before I shoved my phone off my desk. The screen cracked when it hit the ground, but I didn’t care. Right now, that was the least of my worries, and I would crack every phone I found if it meant that my daughter would come back in my life.
Before I knew it, hours had passed. I spent my time pacing the office, drinking coffee, and going over assignments until I knew the layouts like the back of my hand. Brian knocked on my door and let himself in as I sat on the couch with my leg propped on top of the other one as I stared out the window. Dark cumulus clouds rolled through the sky like dingy cotton balls as a faint thunder growled from above. “Boss? How long have you been here?”
“Maybe three hours or so. Just had a lot of work that I needed to get done today.”
“A lot of work? Boss,” he closed the door behind him and placed his briefcase on the table, “I said I would handle all of the business for you this week. I know you are going through–”
“I am fine,” I said, interrupting him as I stood to my feet. I walked to the small mirror and straightened my tie. “Besides, there is a lot to do here, you know? I don’t want to put that all on your plate. We just fired the accountant last week, so I have to make sure all of our numbers are still adding up until we can fill the gap.”
“Boss, I got my associate’s in accounting. I told you I could handle that for the time being and I know the contracts. I know what we need. I j
ust don’t want you to overexert yourself. I think you should be resting right now and take the time to grieve.”
I stopped fixing my tie and spun around towards him. He stood by my desk with an expression full of concern. I knew he meant well, but it was just the wrong time. “So, you know what I need? You think you are in a position to tell me what to do?”
He stumbled over his words. “No, boss, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just saying–”
“You were just saying the wrong fucking thing, that’s what, Brian. I didn’t ask for your help! I didn’t ask for any of this shit, but for some reason, you feel the need to give it to me! I’ll tell you what, Brian, the next time you think you can tell me what to do, remember who fucking writes your checks, alright? Think about that shit before you come in here trying to tell me what to do! You got that?! I can handle myself, and I don’t need you or anybody else telling me what I need to be doing right now!”
He stood in front of me like a child being scolded by his parents. He wanted to respond, but I could tell he was biting his tongue. “Get the fuck out, Brian! Just go!” He knocked twice on my desk, then left the room without saying a word to me. I slammed the door behind him, then sat at my desk and buried my head in my hands. I still hadn’t cried at all since Sarah had passed away, and I knew that wasn’t a good thing.
I sat in the office for awhile, quietly, as the rain clouds moved in closer and blanketed the sky like an umbrella. I knew I was going to have to apologize to Brian for how I reacted. He was a good friend and he’d always been there for me through the thick and thin times of our business. Out of everyone I knew, he was the closest person to me, and for a guy who barely had any family out here in Arizona, he was like a brother.
I knocked on his door a few minutes later. He opened it in silence and stood tall on the other side, waiting for me to speak. “I’m sorry, Brian. You didn’t deserve any of that nonsense I spewed out earlier. You are a better man than that, and I just…” I took a deep breath as the reality of what I said to him earlier sunk into my heart. “I’m just dealing with a lot right now. Holding in things and forcing them to come out in different ways. I know–”
“Boss,” he said, interrupting me, “I understand. I know that you are dealing with something right now. Something that I can’t even comprehend myself. I’m sure I’d be snapping out at everyone if I was in your situation, so I get it. It’s alright, man. I’m not holding anything against you.”
He extended his hand towards me. It was a sign to bury the hatchet between us and forget about my little outburst I had just a while ago. I sighed, and then connected my hand with his. “Thank you, brother. That means a lot to me. You are like a brother, and I don’t ever want you to feel like you are less than that. I was just being dumb, man, that’s all.”
“I told you, boss, I understand. No need to apologize anymore. Besides that, my wife has said much worse stuff to me than what came out of your mouth, so if ‘writing my check’ is all you’ve got, then you’ve got a lot of work to do to catch up with her. I’ve been everything from a deadbeat dad to a no-good husband to a pussy, all in the same breath.” He laughed to himself. “So, I’ll be alright. I’ll be alright.”
“Thank you. But, I think I’m gonna take your advice and head on out. The funeral is in a couple of hours, and I just need to take some time to myself before I blow up on another innocent person. Are you sure you’ve got everything under control?”
“I’m positive, boss,” he said proudly. “I’ve got everything under control. You go on home and get some rest or do whatever you need to do before the funeral. I’ll see you there.”
“Thanks, brother. Thanks again.”
“My pleasure.”
He wrapped his arms around me, and for that moment, I felt the loving embrace of a family member that I needed to help me get through this time. After we had released, I headed to the church and sat outside in the parking lot. I didn’t feel the desire to go home because I probably would’ve convinced myself not to come to the funeral. The thought of trying to be consoled by people I hardly knew was enough to drive me crazy. I wasn’t much of a people person, and over time, my introverted personality kept me alienated from many who would’ve otherwise been my friend.
As I sat in the car, drops of rain splashed onto my windshield. I felt that I could walk outside and cry as much as I wanted to, knowing that the rain would make my tears invisible, but I didn’t want to bring myself to that point. I was raised not to shed a tear, and from my childhood, that idea stuck with me. I could count on one hand the number of times I cried out loud, and I couldn’t remember any since I became a teenager.
I thought about reaching out to her mother. Tracking her down somewhere in the world, wherever she was, but that was no use. She probably wouldn’t care one way or the other, and the thought of seeing her would be enough to make me explode. Sarah wouldn’t want that, and she would probably turn over in her grave if I were to do anything crazy that could put myself in jail. So, I felt it was best to keep her away.
The minister greeted me as soon as I stepped inside. His hands were warm; his eyes were soft blue, the color of the sky behind the dark clouds. His beard was thick and full of gray hairs, and his deep voice billowed from like smoke from a chimney. “Mr. Zimmer. How are you doing this morning?”
“About as good as I could be, given the situation.”
“I truly understand that sir, I truly understand. Well, we are here to make this transition for you as easy as possible. Come,” he said, encouraging me to follow him, “let us go to my chamber upstairs. I have breakfast up there. It is not much but a cup of coffee and a few doughnuts.”
“No,” I said, rejecting his offer. “I think I will just stay in the sanctuary for the time being. Just wait for, um,” I hesitated, “just wait for things to get started. I believe the mortuary will be delivering,” I searched for the words again.
“Yes,” he said, picking up on my hesitation, “I understand. Well, go ahead and take your seat in the sanctuary. For the time being, consider this your second home. Relax and let any of us know if you need anything.”
“Thank you.”
He smiled, then went upstairs as I walked into the sanctuary. The large, empty room was intimidating. My footsteps echoed off the walls as I walked to the front of the room and took a seat in one of the pews. It had been a while since I stepped foot in a church, and I never thought that my next time would be for my daughter’s funeral. When I exhaled, the sound bounced off the stained glass windows and the rain outside increased in velocity as it crashed into the top of the building. Lightning pierced the sky above as I sat in silence and dropped my head with a crescent smile on my face. Sarah loved the rain.
Chapter Six
Caroline
Johnathan came with me to Sarah’s funeral. I changed my clothing four times before I left the dorm. I stopped when I was about to change for the fifth time. I realized that I wasn’t doing anything more than stalling. It seemed like if I never showed up to the funeral, it wouldn’t start, and maybe eventually I would wake up from this nightmare before it was too late. As much as I tried to convince myself that reality was fiction, it didn’t work.
“Babe,” Johnathan said as he stood by the door, “are you almost ready? The funeral will be starting in a bit.”
“Don’t call me babe,” I snapped as tears blurred my vision. He stood silently, resting against the door frame, his eyes popped open wide to what I just said. I exhaled. “I’m sorry.” I walked closer to him. “I am sorry. I am just stressed out. I’m an emotional wreck, and I am just snapping at everyone. I snapped at my cousin yesterday, and all she did was call when I was asleep. You can call me babe.”
I wrapped my arms around him, but I could tell he was uneasy. We hadn’t taken it any further than a few dates, and he wanted more, but I just wasn’t ready for anything set in stone yet. I was set to move away to California after graduation, and even though I knew Sarah’s passing could change m
y plans a bit, I didn’t want to lock myself in a long-distance relationship. “You don’t have to apologize; you are right. You’re not my baby. Right now, we are just friends, and I am doing what a friend should do for another.”
I kissed him on the cheek. “Yeah, but even so, I shouldn’t have said that to you. You are a friend, and you have been the perfect friend to me ever since we met. You didn’t deserve that, and I am sorry.”
“It’s alright.” He smiled. “I’ll be fine, and I’ll be around as long as you need me to be. You are worth waiting for, Caroline. Seriously.”
He was a complete gentleman towards me at all times. We had been friends for the past six months, and we’d never crossed any lines sexually. Sarah would always ask me when I was going to spring him out of the friend zone and let him “pop my cherry,” as she would say, but I wasn’t sure about that idea. My last relationship ended in a shitstorm of hurt and anger almost a year ago, and I wasn’t ready to go down the path again. Not with Johnathan, at least. Maybe things would change down the line, but for right now, I was comfortable keeping him at arm's length from me.
We climbed into his vehicle and headed to the church. I packed my purse with Kleenex before I left, knowing that there was a good chance that I would use every piece inside throughout the course of the service. The rain fell in droves on our way there. I smiled, thinking about how much Sarah enjoyed the rain. She used to go outside in the middle of thunderstorms just to run around and splash in the puddles like she was a little kid. She would try to drag me out there with her, and I only went a few times for the sake of saying I did it.
Her laugh and the way she was so carefree about life are the things I will miss about her the most. I could always go to her when I needed a quick pick-me-up, and she never failed to provide it. She was a party girl, and when we were in high school, she got me into a bit of trouble because I always followed her to late night parties and broke my curfew. My dad would be so upset with me that he’d put me on punishment and forbid me to remain friends with Caroline.
