by Naomi Niles
She walked to the closet. “Now, I didn’t touch her clothes.” She pulled a dress from the hook, “Well, I might want this one. It is so good that we were the same size. We used to wear each other’s clothes all the time. But anyway,” she said, tossing the dress on the bed, “I didn’t touch her clothes because I didn’t know if you had another family member or something that you wanted to give them to, so I was going to let you sort through that. So, I was thinking–”
“What did you do?” I asked, sternly, glaring right into her eyes.
She furrowed her eyebrows and looked in my direction. “Huh? I was… I was just trying to help you out. I said I would–”
“What gives you the right to come into my home and do ANYTHING like this?! What gives you the right to touch anything in this room?! Nothing in here belongs to you. Nothing!”
Her eyes wandered around the room as if she was looking for something that could help her understand why I was so upset. My breathing picked up rapidly as she stood in front of me, not knowing what to do next. “Harrison… Harrison, I–”
“You came in here and touched everything! You fucking ruined everything! And then you just took her things and shoved them into a fucking box, just like her dead body! This shit will not be buried, do you hear me! This shit will not be buried! It was enough when they put her in a box; now you are placing the rest of her things in a box!? What gives you the right!? Answer me?!”
Her bottom lip trembled. She fixed her mouth to respond, but no words escaped. I grabbed the box of her belongings and slammed them onto Sarah’s bed. “Get out,” I said as calmly as I could. “Get out. Now.”
“Harrison…”
“Get the fuck out of my house, Caroline! Now!”
She covered her mouth and ran out of the room as her cries bounced off the walls. I kneeled and began removing her things from the box, crying each time I placed one of her trophies on the bed. She was gone, and I didn’t want to accept it, but now, it felt like I had to. I pulled out the third-grade ribbon she received for coming in second place in her spelling contest. I crushed it in my hand, then pressed it against my forehead as I cried out loud. This was the first time I had ever shown this type of emotion after her death. In my mind, she was still alive. The voicemails. The way she kept her room. That was all my way of keeping her alive, but in reality, I was yet to grieve for my loss.
Instead, I bottled it up inside of my mind, hoping that one day, she would magically appear and walk through the front door like she had never left. As I pulled more things out of her box, I heard the front door open and slam shut. Moments later, Caroline’s car revved up and then she was gone. I didn’t care that she left. I didn’t care that I yelled at her because she had no business inside of this room, no matter if she was just trying to help out. With tears in my eyes, I slowly began placing all of Sarah’s items back on her desk.
I hung pictures back on their hooks and repositioned trophies as they were before Caroline came into her room. I’m sorry, Sarah, I said, sniffling. I’m sorry. I still blamed myself for her death, and that was one of the reasons that I couldn’t cope with the fact that she was gone. It was all my fault, and even though what Caroline told me a while ago helped out, I still had a hard time removing the guilt from my heart. Picture after picture, torrents of tears fell down my cheeks until I could barely see anything in front of me. In the middle of it all, I stopped, bowled over onto my knees and cried out loud, begging for her forgiveness. I ended up laying on the floor, facing the ceiling as my body convulsed from tears. I would never forgive myself. Ever.
Chapter Thirty
Caroline
I woke up with a headache. I cried all day when I left Harrison’s and throughout the night. My bed was covered with teary tissue, and I didn’t get a second of sleep. I didn’t know that Sarah’s things were so sentimental to him, and after further thought, I know I should’ve asked first. I was just trying to help out, though. That was the only reason I attempted to clean her room. Each time my phone rang, I thought it would be Harrison calling to straighten up what happened yesterday, but each time I looked at my phone, it was a bill collector or someone else that I didn’t want to hear from.
When I finally pulled myself out of bed, it was 8 am. I contemplated not going to work because I was nervous about seeing Harrison. After yesterday, I didn’t know how he was going to react, and I knew there was going to be an awkward feeling between us as soon as I stepped into the building. After further thought, I figured I would just go in and get it over with. As I got in the shower, the tears continued to cascade down my cheeks as I thought about way to fix it. Maybe I could sneak over there and replace everything the way it was? It was a thought, but I was pretty sure that Harrison had already fixed the room back to the way it was. I racked my brain trying to find things to do to make it better, but I couldn’t come up with anything.
After I got out of the shower, I forced myself to get dressed so I could make it to work on time. When I arrived, I didn’t see Harrison’s truck in the parking lot, and that was unusual. He was always there before anybody else showed up. I waited in the car for a few minutes, hoping to catch him before he walked inside. I just wanted to talk to him and clear the air because I hated that this discord was between us. I never thought that he would yell at me the way he did, let alone curse, but I’d crossed the line, and I knew it. He wasn’t ready to accept Sarah’s death, and when I moved her things, I forced him into a corner. I didn’t understand everything until late last night. As time passed, Brian’s car drove into the parking lot.
I watched him get out of his car, and as soon as he closed the door, I grabbed his attention. “Oh, hey, Caroline. Good morning.”
“Good morning, Brian,” I said, exiting my vehicle. “Um, did you by chance hear from Harrison?”
He looked for his car in the parking lot, “Hmm. No, I didn’t.” He glanced at his watch, “And it is past 10. He is usually here by now. I’ll go inside and see if he left a message on the voicemail. Did you hear anything from him?”
I hesitated to say anything that would imply we had gotten into an argument. I didn’t want the tears to crash down my cheeks again. “No, I didn’t. I called him earlier, but he just said that he was going to have to call me back.”
“Oh. Well, at least we know he is still alive because the only way he wouldn’t be here before any of us is if he was dead. Come on, let’s check the voicemail.” He opened the door for me as we headed to the elevator. It dropped us off on his floor; then we walked into his office. I nervously tapped my foot against the ground as he scanned through the messages. None of them belonged to Harrison.
“Hmm. Well, that is weird. He didn’t show up, and he didn’t call to let me know he was running late. Did he sound sick when you talked to him?”
“Um,” I stumbled through my response. “No, he didn’t sound sick. I mean, it sounded like something was wrong with him, but he didn’t sound sick, you know? Like, he didn’t sound as if he needed a doctor or anything. Heavy heart, maybe.”
He narrowed his eyes at me as I rambled on. “Oh. OK.” He shifted his eyes before he responded. “Well, I’ll keep checking on him to make sure he is alright.”
“Well, I do know that he was having a hard time with Sarah’s death this weekend. I went to see him Sunday and um, yeah. He was just having a hard time. He asked me to leave because he just wanted time alone, so I left. That was around 1 pm or so.”
“Oh. Well, yeah, that may be it. He hasn’t really grieved for her since she passed away. I kept telling him that he needed to have a moment to let all of that out, but you know how he is. He wants to hold everything in and project this tough-guy image. I knew it would catch up with him sooner or later.”
“Yeah,” I said, disconnected from our conversation. “Yeah, catch up with him. I’m gonna, um, I’m gonna go into my office and get to work. I will let you know if I hear anything from him, OK?”
“OK, Caroline. I am right down the hall if you ne
ed anything. Have a good day.”
“You as well, Brian.”
It killed me knowing that I was the reason he didn’t show up for work today. I didn’t know for a fact, but I had a good idea that my actions yesterday had everything to do with it. I went into my office and closed the door. I didn’t get an ounce of work done that day because I kept thinking about Harrison, hoping that he would call my phone and at least let me know that everything was alright. When 4 o’clock came, I packed my things and headed home early. I let Brian know that I wasn’t feeling well. He joked. “Maybe you caught the same thing Harrison has.”
“Harrison has?” I asked, quizzically. “So, he is sick?”
“You haven’t spoken with him?”
“Um,” I said as I stood near the elevator. “No. I’ve been busy all day, so I really haven’t had the chance to respond to him. What did he say?”
“He just said he had some kind of stomach bug and he would be in tomorrow. No biggie. All is well.”
“Oh. OK. That… that is good to know. Well, you have a good evening, Brian. I guess I will see you tomorrow.”
I got on the elevator and headed downstairs. As soon as I got into my car, I burst into tears. I messed things up between me and Harrison. I had been calling him all day, and he didn’t respond, but it seemed that he didn’t hesitate to call Brian back and let him know what was wrong. I thought about heading to his house just so we could talk, but I was scared that he would yell and curse at me again and tell me to get out of his house. I didn’t want to chance it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take another verbal assault like that without breaking down in front of him.
I dried my eyes, then drove out of the parking lot to head home. As soon as I got there, I flopped onto the couch. My tears blurred everything in front of me, and a few minutes later, I grabbed my phone to give Meghan a call. “Hello?”
“Hey, Caroline! I was just thinking about you, girl. How are you doing?” I sniffled. I was barely able to get a word out without crying. “Whoa, whoa,” she interjected, “what’s wrong, Caroline? What is it? Did Johnathan do something again? I told him that he better apologize unless he wanted me to spread rumors about his little dick.”
“No,” I said, clearing my voice. “No. It’s not him. It’s Harrison.”
“Oh. Well, what happened?”
I told her what I did to Sarah’s room and what Harrison said to me after everything happened. I was still hurt by it, and as of right now, it didn’t seem like things were going to get any better. “He hates me, Meghan. He hates me, and things were going so good between us. Why did I have to be so stupid?! Why did I have to touch Sarah’s things?”
“OK, Caroline. I mean, it is not your fault. You did tell him that you would help him out, so you had good intentions, it just came out the wrong way.”
“I know. I was just trying to help, that’s it. But, he just blew up. Cursing at me and everything. I understand why he is upset, I just… I just wish there was something I could do to talk to him about it. He is ignoring my calls, not responding to my texts. I’m scared if I go to his house, he will just tell me to get out again. I don’t know what to do, Meghan. I’m lost.”
She sighed. “Well, Caroline, this is something that you are just going to have to wait out. Just give him some time to officially grieve. Give him that time to himself for now. I know he will come back around and speak to you again. I mean, the way you guys were connecting. The things you told me about him and how you two feel about each other, what you did shouldn’t be enough to just end all of that. It can’t be.”
“I hope not,” I said, wiping tears from my eyes. “I hope not, but right now, I have no idea what to expect.”
I sat on the phone with Meghan for the next hour as she helped me figure out what to do next with Harrison. A part of me reverted to how I felt about our relationship before I decided that we should be a couple. Like, Sarah’s death complicated things between us, and if I never crossed that line with him physically, then this situation would have been completely avoided. I started regretting that I’d gotten involved with him, especially since Sarah’s death had everything to do with our connection. “No, don’t think like that, Caroline. Listen, the way you guys connected is complicated, but I’m sure that what you two have is deeper than that. Like I said, just give him some time sort things out. He will come back around. I’m sure of it.”
I sighed. I wanted to believe her, but something inside of me wouldn’t allow it to click. She didn’t want me to think it was the end of our relationship, but for some reason, that is all I could think about. “Alright, Meghan. Thank you for listening. I’ll just give him some time like you suggested and see what happens.”
“That’s all you can do, Caroline. That’s all you can do. Call me and let me know how things go, OK? Stay strong, alright? It’s not over. Trust me. It’s not over.”
“Thank you.”
I hung up the phone, then grabbed one of the stuffed animals that Harrison bought for me and cuddled with it on the couch. My tears fell on the top of its head as I tucked it beneath my chin and laid down on the couch. My heart felt like it was shattered into a million different pieces as I laid down. Tears streamed relentlessly from my eyes. Each time I wiped them away, a fresh line reappeared. I kept my phone close to me just in case Harrison decided to call back, but as the hours went by, my phone didn’t ring at all. I should’ve never gotten involved with him; I said as I wiped tears from my cheeks. I repeated that over and over until I fell asleep on the couch.
Chapter Thirty-One
Harrison
By the time I looked at my watch, it was 2:49 am. I had been slowly removing things from Sarah’s box ever since Caroline put them away. Each picture was soaked in memories that no words could express. My baby girl was gone, and it wasn’t until now that the pain of her absence sunk into the depths of my heart. I grabbed a picture from the box. She kneeled beside a soccer ball with two long, frizzy pigtails hanging on each side of her head. I never knew what to do with her hair and every time I tried, it ended up looking like a mess.
I smiled as a silent tear rolled down my cheek. Her snaggle-toothed smile projected an innocence that depended on me to protect her. It was something that I had failed to do, and as I sat on her bedroom floor with my back against the wall, I couldn’t escape the torment. At times like this, I wished for Caroline to be by my side to help me through. Her smile always seemed as though it was enough to settle my emotions. Her touch absorbed my pain and turned it into happiness, but right now, the thought of her sent me over the edge. She didn’t have any right to touch her things.
I wiped a steady stream of tears from my eyes as I reached into the box and grabbed another picture. She was a little older this time around. Her glasses sat crooked on her face as she posed for her yearbook picture in sixth grade. She could never keep those things on straight, so I eventually purchased contact lenses to replace them. It was a struggle to get them in because she thought that they would puncture her eyeball. I laughed, thinking about the battles we had during the times I tried to get them into her eyes.
“Baby, hold still. It is not going to hurt, I promise.”
“Daddy! No! You’re going to poke me in the eye, and then I’ll go blind! No!”
“Sarah, please. You are not going to go blind. But I’ll tell you what, you will be blind if you don’t let me help you put these in.”
“Daddy, I will not!” She folded her arms over her chest, insistent on drawing a line in the sand. Her bottom lip poked out as she turned her head away from me.
I took a deep breath. “Alright, how about this. I’ll put one in my eye first just so you can see that there is nothing to be worried about. If I go first, then will you?” I slowly gained her attention, and before long, she eagerly waited for me to put one into my eye.
“OK.”
Damn it, I thought. She didn’t know it, but I was just as apprehensive about placing something into my eye as she was. I couldn’t let
her see my fear, so I grabbed the solution to soak my eye, took a deep breath, then placed it in. I yelled silently in my mind, hoping that some freak accident didn’t occur in the process. Not only would it hurt me, but I knew that Sarah would never come within centimeters of another contact lens. After about a minute, I finally slid it in and blinked a few times. Everything around me cleared up, and it was at that moment that I realized I needed some type of viewing enhancement as well. “See, Sarah? Painless and good as new.”
She smiled as I continued. “Now I can see your pretty smile even better than before. So,” I grabbed the box and handed it to her, “can I help you put these in?”
“No.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Sarah, come on, now. I thought we had a deal.”
“We do.” She took the box from my hand, “but, I want to do it on my own.” I smiled and watched her slide two lenses onto her pupils. She blinked a few times, and after that, she smiled. “You were right, Dad. It wasn’t that bad. I was worried for nothing.”
She put her arms around me, and from that point on, I knew she wouldn’t be afraid to tackle anything that came her way. I never once worried about her getting into a situation that she wouldn’t be able to see her way out of. I sat the picture on the ground and continued rummaging through the box, replacing items back in their original positions. Before I knew it, it was almost 7 am. I had a splitting headache, and I could feel the puffiness on my eyes from crying all night.
I finally got up from my spot in her room and headed into the kitchen. I turned on the coffee maker, then grabbed my phone to replay one of her messages. It was torture for me, but I deserved it. I deserved to feel the depths of the pain that came with her premature death. “Hey, Dad. I love you. That’s it. Oh, and can you transfer $500 to my account? I want to get some new shoes. Actually, two pairs. Maybe three. Now that I think of it, maybe you should put $700 in there and don’t tell me you don’t have it because you always do. Love you. Bye.”
