by Karen Foley
“Did you actually kick my door in?” she asked, recalling how he’d burst into her quarters.
“Hmm? What?”
He was almost asleep and now he came partially awake, his eyes reflecting his confusion.
“I’m pretty sure I locked my door earlier,” she said, tracing a finger over his chest, “so I just wanted to ask if you really kicked it in?”
“Holy f—” He broke off abruptly and sat up, disentangling himself from Elena’s arms.
She sat up, too, pushing her hair back and watching as he snatched his shorts from the floor and shoved his legs into them.
“What’s wrong?”
“How long have I been here? Did I fall asleep? Shit, shit, shit!” He searched the floor, found his T-shirt and dragged it on, then began looking for his sandals. “They’ll be doing a head count, and I should be back at Tac Ops, and they’ll be wondering where the hell I disappeared to and—shit!”
Elena had never seen him like this—out of control. Even when he’d been angry, he’d never used such foul language. She found her panties and pulled them on, and then grabbed a clean shirt from the shelf next to the bed.
“You didn’t tell anyone that you were coming here?” she asked, incredulous. Even she knew that you didn’t just disappear during an emergency. She’d assumed he’d told somebody where he was headed. “You just left?”
“Can you believe that?” he asked, laughing in disbelief. “I should know better. Jesus! I should be out there with my men, doing damage control and helping to launch a counterattack, and instead I’m in here—” He broke off abruptly. “Where’s my damned sandal?”
Elena stood up, understanding that his anger was directed at himself and not at her. He’d broken another rule, again because of her. But she couldn’t feel sorry for what they’d done. Bending down, she retrieved his sandal from where it lay beneath her flak vest and handed it to him.
He took it from her silently. She thought he would just go, but he stood there for a moment, turning the shoe over in his hand.
“Elena,” he began.
She laid her fingers over his lips. “Shh. Don’t say any thing, okay?”
Because if he told her that he regretted what had just happened between them, she’d lose it. And she’d been working so hard to show him that she was tough and capable, and could handle being out here just as well as he could. But if he said that being with her was a mistake, she might just cry.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “This has nothing to do with you.” He turned away, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck. When he turned back to her, she could see that he was back in control. “Coming over to make sure you were okay was one thing, but taking advantage of you like that was another thing altogether.”
Elena stared at him. “You think you took advantage of me?”
“I do. I did. You were scared and I only meant to reassure you, but instead I completely used your vulnerability to my own advantage.”
Elena smiled. “You didn’t hear me complaining, did you?”
Chase returned her smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Listen, I hate to do this, but I really do have to run.”
“I understand.”
“Elena…” He hesitated.
“I know,” she said, not wanting to hear him say it. “This can’t happen again.” To her relief, she didn’t cry. She wrapped her arms around her middle, hugging herself. “There are rules against this sort of thing. I get it.”
“If there’s another attack, I’ll send one of the female soldiers to bring you to the bunker.”
“There’s no need,” she said quickly, keeping her voice even. “I know the drill now. I know what to expect, and I’ll be fine.”
Boy, did she ever know the drill. She could have Chase for stolen moments here and there, but he’d never let his guard down enough to really be hers. Not on a permanent basis.
He looked uncertain, and Elena almost felt a stab of sympathy for him. God, next he was going to apologize, and she didn’t know if she could handle that. Because she couldn’t feel the tiniest bit sorry about what they’d done.
“Go,” she said. “Just…go.”
He did.
THE MORTAR ATTACK had done minimal damage to the base and there were no casualties, unless you counted the Humvee parked in the motor pool. Elena had seen the truck and there were so many ragged holes torn in the doors and roof that it resembled Swiss cheese.
But the attack had left the compound in a state of heightened alert, and even Corporal Cleary and Sergeant Corrente were too focused on their jobs to give her anything more than a cursory greeting in passing.
There was a surreal quality to the base in the days immediately following. The dust storm had passed, but the air was still heavy and thick with a reddish haze that even the sun couldn’t completely penetrate. Routine patrols were on hold since visibility was so poor. As a result, most of the soldiers were confined to the base and kept busy doing maintenance and repair on everything from the buildings and fences to the vehicles.
Elena was busy, too. She spent the next two days in the contracting center with Brad, ensuring the minor damage to the dining facility was repaired, expediting delivery of the parts needed to complete the waste treatment plant and keeping needed supplies flowing into the base.
She didn’t see Chase, although she found herself looking for him whenever she walked between her office or the dining facility and her housing unit. She didn’t even know if he was still on the base, or if he and his men had gone out on patrol into the surrounding hills. She had sat in on the post-attack briefings, knew the Taliban were responsible for the mortar attack on the base, and that the U.S. forces had retaliated with enough firepower to smoke the entire mountain where the explosives had been launched from. During the day, she tried not to think about him or what he might be doing or whether he was safe. Or if he thought of her.
But at night, in her solitary living quarters, she couldn’t escape her memories of their time together, both in Kuwait and following the attack. She’d been so certain when he’d been with her, loving her with his body, that it had been more than just a physical joining for him. She hadn’t imagined the sheer relief she’d seen on his face when he’d found her alive and whole, or the desperation in his touch as he’d made love to her.
She knew he considered his attraction to her a weakness. He didn’t bend the rules for anyone, and he’d said more than once that he wouldn’t give her preferential treatment. Yet he’d gone out of his way to ensure her comfort and her safety. He’d personally accompanied her to the drilling site. He’d given her his CHU. Surely that meant something?
“Hey, why don’t you call it a day?”
Elena looked up from her computer to see Brad Carrington standing in the doorway to her little office. He was handsome, in his own way, with red hair, blue eyes and fair skin that was perpetually sunburned. To Elena, he looked like a slightly older version of Prince Harry. His smile was friendly enough, and he worked just as hard as Elena did, even if he refused to go outside the fence to visit any of their projects.
“I’m a navy guy,” he’d said more than once. “I don’t play in sandboxes.”
Elena understood that unlike her, the Defense Procurement Agency hadn’t given him any choice about coming over to Afghanistan. He’d taken a three-year assignment with the DPA because he’d wanted to be at home with his wife and kids instead of having to be at sea for months at a time. But then they’d sent him to Afghanistan for a year and he wasn’t at all happy about it.
“I’m just wrapping up this e-mail,” Elena said, “and then I’m calling it a night.”
“You’ve been at it for almost fourteen hours,” Brad said. “Tomorrow is Sunday. You should sleep in.”
Elena smiled at him. “Maybe I will.” She wouldn’t.
“It’s dark outside. You want me to walk you back to your quarters?”
If the offer had come from anyone but Brad, Elena might have interprete
d it as a come-on, but she knew without a doubt that the navy officer was completely devoted to the wife he’d left in San Diego.
“I’ll be fine,” she assured him. “But I did want to ask you if I could arrange to go back out to the drilling site?”
Brad frowned. “You were just out there. Why do you need to go back?”
“I want to check on the progress they’re making laying the pipeline from the well to the base.”
“Is that really necessary? Can’t you just talk with the project manager about it? Going out there isn’t safe.”
Elena gave him a tolerant look. “It’s less than two miles from the base, and I’ll only be gone for a couple of hours. I just received an invoice for more than a million dollars for the work they’ve done just this past month. The invoice states they’ve laid three hundred meters of pipeline, which I find hard to believe. Before I authorize payment, I’d like to verify the progress myself.” She shrugged. “It’s part of my job, Brad.”
He sighed. “Well, okay, if you have to. I’ll talk with Charlie Company and see if they can set you up with an escort. When did you want to go?”
“As soon as it can be arranged.”
“I’ll see what I can do. I’d feel a lot better if one of the special ops guys could go with you, like the last time, but that’s not a possibility now.”
He had Elena’s full attention, although she tried to sound casual. “Why is that?”
“They’re leaving tonight.”
Elena felt her heart tighten. “Are you sure?”
“Yep.”
Elena didn’t ask him how he knew. As one of the few officers on the base, there probably wasn’t much that went on that he didn’t know about. She strove to sound natural, when inside she was freaking out. Chase was leaving on a mission that she knew would be dangerous. “How long will they be gone?”
“Until they’ve completed whatever mission they’ve been assigned. They’re usually gone for a week or two, at least.”
A week or two. Logically, she knew a couple of weeks was not a long time, but to Elena it felt like an eternity. Chase was preparing to leave and he hadn’t even bothered to let her know or say goodbye. But what had she expected? A declaration of love? A promise of forever? Not when their relationship had started as a one-night stand.
She felt sick. More than that, she felt angry. Angry at Chase for not caring enough to say goodbye, and angry at herself for caring too much.
After Brad left, Elena finished her e-mail and closed her computer. Glancing at her watch, she saw it was 8:00 p.m. Her chest felt tight and ached. She pressed her fingers against her eyes, trying to think rationally.
Chase was leaving.
She shouldn’t feel so hurt that he hadn’t told her, but when she recalled his face the last time she’d seen him, she wanted to cry. He might want her, but he resented the hell out of her, too. She represented everything he believed was wrong with the military—she was female and she was in a combat environment. Worse, she was a civilian. She didn’t even have the benefit of a military background or training. He probably viewed his attraction to her as a colossal weakness in his character.
Sighing, Elena pushed away from her desk and retrieved her flak vest and helmet. She was completely wired, which meant she’d lie in bed tossing and turning, thinking about Chase and aching for him. She’d never been so attuned to the needs of her own body as she’d been since she met Chase. All she had to do was think about him and her body would begin to thrum with recalled pleasure. And unless she was engrossed in her work, she thought about him pretty much all the time.
Snapping off the lights in the office, she locked the door and turned to walk to her living quarters when a lone figure detached itself from the shadows and approached her.
Elena hesitated. While she hadn’t heard of any women being attacked on the base, she wasn’t naive enough to think it couldn’t happen. She stood uncertainly for a moment, torn between flight or fight, when the man stepped closer and she recognized Chase.
“Oh, my God,” she gasped, her body sagging in relief. “You scared me there for a moment.”
“Why are you walking back alone?” he demanded, grasping her by the arms and giving her a light shake. “It’s not safe.”
“Brad offered to walk with me, but I refused,” she explained, trying to discern his expression in the indistinct light. Her heart had exploded into a frenzied rhythm as soon as she saw him, and now she strove to sound normal, as if seeing him didn’t upset her equilibrium. “What are you doing out here?”
“I was waiting for you.” He released her arms and took a step back, as if he didn’t trust himself to get too close.
“Oh.”
“And why aren’t you wearing your protective gear?” He took her vest from her hands and held it out for her to slip into. “Jesus, please don’t tell me you go outside without it, not after the other night?”
“I’m only going to my quarters and it’s so heavy,” she explained, knowing that was a poor excuse. “I hate wearing it.”
“Well, get used to it,” he said grimly. “Most mortar attacks occur between eight and ten o’clock. You should wear it whenever you’re outside.”
Elena wasn’t in the mood to talk about what would happen if the base came under another attack; the last one was still fresh in her mind. And she wasn’t the only one who was thinking about that night. She could see from Chase’s expression that he was remembering what had happened, too.
“Is that why you’re here?” she asked. “To make sure I’m wearing my protective gear? Jeez, Chase, I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.” Irritated with herself for being glad that he cared, that he had come to see her before he left, she pushed past him and strode in the direction of her living quarters.
He fell into step beside her and they walked in silence until they reached her door. He blew out a hard breath. “Listen, there’s something I need to tell you. We can talk inside…or maybe that’s not such a good idea.”
A foot patrol of two soldiers turned the corner at the end of the road, walking toward them, and Elena made a quick decision. “No, it’s okay,” she said quietly. “Come in. I can make some coffee, if you’d like.”
“I can’t stay long.”
He stood back while she unlocked the door and flipped on the light, and then followed her inside, closing the door behind them. Elena slipped out of her vest and dropped it onto a chair. Turning toward Chase, she got her first good look at him.
He looked dangerous.
His face was covered in several days’ growth of beard, making his chiseled cheekbones stand out even more prominently. She realized he wasn’t wearing the traditional desert camo fatigues that she’d become accustomed to seeing him in. Both his pants and his jacket were solid beige beneath his heavy vest, and he wore a black-and-white checkered scarf wrapped around his neck. A patch on one arm bore the initials NKA.
“Why are you dressed like that?” she asked.
“I’m leaving tonight.”
She already knew, but hearing him say the words caused her heart to twist painfully. “Where are you going?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t say. All I can tell you is that I’ll be gone for a week or so, but I didn’t want to leave without telling you.”
He had come to say goodbye. And just like that, the hurt and anger evaporated. Was this what it was like for military wives and girlfriends each time their husbands or lovers deployed? She felt weak with fear for Chase. She was unfamiliar with the painful, clenching sensation in her chest, or the way she couldn’t seem to catch her breath.
Unwilling to let him see her weakness, she turned away to open the Tupperware container of coffee and scoop some into the coffeemaker. Her hands trembled, and she finally dropped the spoon back into the container and braced her hands on the shelves, her head down. “I can’t do this,” she whispered.
“Elena.” He was right behind her.
“Don’t.” She was only barely holding
it together.
“Elena, look at me.” His voice was low and insistent.
He turned her around, and she knew couldn’t hide the tears that had welled in her eyes, so she tried to laugh them off.
“I’m sorry,” she said, smiling as she wiped at her eyes, “You just took me by surprise.”
“I’ll be fine,” he said softly, studying her face. “This is my job. It’s what I do.”
“I know.” She nodded, trying to sound strong. “I do.”
“Ah, babe, come here.”
Before she could protest, he hauled her into his arms and she went willingly, winding her arms around his waist and pressing her face against his chest. She felt his lips against her hair, and then he tipped her face up so that he could look at her.
“You’ll be okay while I’m gone?” he asked.
She pushed back and stared at him, letting her gaze drift over his face, lingering on his mouth.
“Listen to yourself.” Her voice sounded strained. “You’re the one going into a dangerous situation, and yet here you are, asking me if I’ll be okay?”
“I can’t be distracted by worrying about you,” he admitted, “but I know I’ll worry anyway. Just promise me that you won’t leave the base, and that you’ll wear your protective gear and do everything you’re supposed to do to keep safe while I’m gone. Promise.”
Elena felt more tears well in her eyes. It wasn’t a declaration of love, but she suspected this was the closest thing she’d get from Chase.
For now.
She stood on tiptoe and he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her so sweetly, so tenderly, that she prayed to God to keep him safe. Just watch over him and bring him back safely, and she would never, ever ask for anything more than this moment. Please, God, do this one thing, and when the time came—and she knew it would—she would let him go.
14
FROM THE HELICOPTER, Chase saw Forward Operating Base Sharlana come into view. He watched as a small convoy of vehicles left the base and wondered where it was headed. After ten days away, he and his team were finally back. The helicopter was coming in low, preparing to land, and he could make out every structure. There was the housing area, and there was the roof of Elena’s CHU. The sun had barely risen; was she still sleeping, or had she already left for work?
