by Aja Cole
Being angry is hard. Especially when half of your anger is at yourself.
I startle when there’s a soft knock on the door, but I don’t say anything. Then I feel a tug at my robe and realize I’ve given myself away because a little bit of it must be resting under the door.
“Just listen, okay?” Jax says, and I feel a little movement, so I guess that he’s sitting with his back to the door too. I drop my head back against it and close my eyes.
I guess listening is the easy part.
Jaxon
The fact that I’m sitting here on the floor of her apartment, about to plead my case for why she should forgive me, feels so out of character that I don’t recognize myself.
But I don’t want to examine it too closely, I’m just going with it.
I know I fucked up, I know there are deeper reasons to why Sienna is mad and I just want to understand. I want her to give me a chance to get to know her better, to figure out what not to do and just let me be around her. Like some damned lovesick puppy.
One night with the woman, one kiss - and she hasn’t left my mind since. I’ve had crushes, I’ve liked people, but never like this. Never so much that I keep going for it, no matter how many times she gives me the cold shoulder. I usually don’t make it a habit to try to be somewhere where I’m not wanted.
Except, apparently, for her.
“First things first, this is the last time I’m going to say that I’m sorry if you’re not going to accept it. I didn’t do it to get a one up on you, I didn’t do it because of the deal, I didn’t do it for any other reason that honestly - in that moment, it seemed like a good way for me to stay under the radar per your terms. I thought that if everyone thought I had a girl waiting in the wings, they wouldn’t ask many questions when I didn’t go out to the clubs or parties or answer booty calls.”
“That must’ve been such a hardship for you, turning down all the panties thrown your way.” I hear from the other side of the door and I consider it a little progress, because if she’s making snarky comments, at least she’s speaking instead of ignoring me.
“It wasn’t. Would you like to know why?”
Silence. I take it to be an affirmative.
“There was this sort of uptight, hard-ass, intelligent, radiantly beautiful woman who I couldn’t get off my mind. And even though she was pissed off at me and trying to drive me crazy, I just hoped that one day she’d respond to my text with something more than a Yes or a No. I hoped that she’d give me a chance to get to know her a little more and maybe we could start a real relationship instead of something I forced her into with a careless comment.”
“It sounds like she has a great reason to be mad at you.”
“The thing is, I don’t think she’s just mad at me. I think she’s mad that she likes me so much too, and it’s convenient for her to act like it’s all about what I did.”
“That just sounds like you think too highly of yourself.”
“Tiger, level with me here.”
She’s silent again and then I fall backwards when the door opens. I look up at her with my head against the floor, and all I see is smooth brown legs and then darkness under her raspberry colored robe. She steps back and sits on the bench at the end of the bed.
“A little warning would’ve been nice.” I stand up and go to sit next to her, nudging her with my shoulder. She leans away, crossing her arms tight. I think she thinks it hides the fact that she’s braless, but it just makes me want to look at them more.
I’m resisting. I don’t think we’re there yet, not to where she wouldn’t just get annoyed all over again.
“I’ve been working on my personal brand since I was 16 years old. I have painstakingly made sure that I didn’t hang out with the wrong people, take the wrong internships and jobs, say the wrong thing. I’m not linked to anyone I don’t want to be linked to. My mom always told me that one of the only things you have is your reputation, and mine is that I do my job very well and I do it without any added bullshit.”
“So when your bosses happened to realize who I was talking about, I took that away from you.”
“Yes. Something I have always controlled, you turned it upside down.”
“So why didn’t you turn it on me? Tell them I got the wrong signals? I’m sure that’s happened before.”
“It’s kind of hard to tell people you got the wrong signals when we were embracing and you called it a relationship and asked people to respect our privacy. All of my accounts are locked down tight, but we both know it’s just a matter of when, not if. That’s why I agreed to the honors show, because we can appear together and reveal it then.”
“I really didn’t think it would matter a lot. I actually was going to call you and tell you about it, and thought you’d laugh it off and tell me all the reasons I better enjoy the thought because you’d never date me.”
“If I had a choice, I wouldn’t be anywhere near you. You’re too big, your brand is too big - it trumps mine. I’m well known in my corner of the sphere, well-respected because I work hard. Do you think anyone else, anyone reporting will focus on my accomplishments? No, they’ll focus on the big time wide receiver, the championship player, the man who just turned down 15 women. Who will I be?” Her voice hitches. “One brush with you, and it’ll always be colored by this. I’ve built this foundation to continue growing on, and now you’ll be a brick in it that’ll never go away. My mom is going to throw an entire fit.”
“She not a fan of mine?”
“We made a list when I was younger of guys to avoid. Professional athletes was tip top of the list. Not because there can’t be good men, but because of the inherent lifestyle. The uncertainty, the spotlight, and the many many women who trail after y’all. It’s not something I’ve ever wanted.”
“If I knew it went this deep for you, Sienna, I would’ve never said anything. Hell, I wouldn’t have even touched you once. Because now that I have…I can’t think of anything else.”
“Well that’s a problem.” She stands, the short robe sliding against her skin. Her hair is straight again, but in a bun atop her head with small pieces that have escaped falling around her ears. She smells amazing, like…strawberries and vanilla.
“I don’t think there’s a solution that’ll mean we’re not connected. I wish there was, but…I messed that up for you, so we have to look at other angles now. Is it possible that only your bosses know? You don’t have to go with me tomorrow, we can say it was someone else.”
Sienna doesn’t turn towards me, but I see her stiffen and I stand, approaching her. I put my hands on her shoulders and sooth them down her arms until she relaxes. I don’t do it for any other reason other than I don’t like seeing her so wound up.
“That might work right? Passing it off as another woman?”
“Laurie called me earlier.”
I stop my hands from moving on her, holding them in place.
“Why did Laurie call you?”
“She wanted to warn me that her boss dropped my name to whoever called asking questions. He got it from my credit card receipt, and he knew who you were. So, I guess I should’ve let you pay after all.” She laughs lightly, and I wrap my arms fully around her from behind, crossing them over her chest. I drop my chin on her shoulder.
“Okay, so now it really is a when.”
“Yep. That’s why I said yes to the Honors. Even if they run things tomorrow, we’ll appear together by choice the same night, so it’s still somewhat within our control. I just…will avoid reading any headlines or things like that. Which will be a little hard, since I have media alerts set up for everyone involved in our brand partnerships.”
“I’ll say whatever you want me to say. Can I have control of my social media back, though?”
“I’ll think about it. Maybe partial control. No twitter wars with trolls, though.”
“I’m not naive enough to think I’ve heard the last of this, but since you’re at least speaking to me now, would you like to
go look at what else is in the boxes? Pretend this is completely normal for tonight?”
She sighs. “Okay, yes, but only because that dress is phenomenal and I want to feel it again.” She makes a move to leave, but I don’t let her go just yet.
“What is it with you and not letting go?”
“I’m a man that realizes I can’t predict when you’ll let me do this, so I savor the time I have. Now hush, let me hold you a little bit longer in peace.”
For once, or maybe twice now, she does as I ask.
I’ll take my small wins.
Sienna
I made Jax leave last night, or this morning really. I looked at the rest of my gifts, which didn’t disappoint, and then we just…talked.
I curled up on the couch with his arm around me and we talked for a long time. I put aside my anger, which had lessened slightly, and let myself just be in the moment with him.
I told him about my parents divorce, growing up with an attorney as a mom and taking control of how I wanted to be seen as I started high school with my own blog and platform. He told me about his two brothers who are 18 and 14, and his sister Alena who’s married to one of his teammates. His parents are still happily married, and he still can’t swim.
That bit surprised me. I’ve been swimming since I was a toddler if you let my mom tell it.
I like being around him, and I don’t know if it’s something I need to keep trying to keep at bay. I don’t know how he’s going to fit into my plans and what I want for myself, but after last night, I’m wondering if trying to keep him at a distance is futile.
Would I be shooting myself in the foot, or would I be making a smart decision to end things after I’ve crafted the narrative I need?
I don’t want to live in the shadow of his career, and that’s the biggest problem for me.
I’m drying off with a towel when I hear a knock on the door, and this time, I could truly do with the time alone with my thoughts before tonight. I look in the peephole, and it’s a woman and a few other people I can’t see clearly. Snatching the door open, I hide behind it a little since I’m only in a short towel.
“Uh, can I help y’all?”
The brunette with the short pixie cut gives me a warm smile. “You’re Sienna, right?” Her eyes look familiar.
“Right….”
“I’m Alena, Jax’s sister. I don’t think my friends will have much work to do, you’re already a vision.” She sweeps through the door, the three women with her following with large trunks. They go to the living room and start moving things around and setting things up, and I just stare after them dumbly.
His sister? The one I just learned about last night? She’s carrying a large garment bag and bags of her own, and she hooks them up on the rack that’s somehow appeared from one of those trunks.
“Jax didn’t want you to worry about a thing. I’ve also been instructed to tell you how great he is and convince you to give him a real chance.” She toes off the converse she’s wearing and sits in one of the foldable makeup chairs the ladies have unearthed.
These trunks and bags must be bottomless.
“Come,” she waves me over, patting the seat next to her. I take it, still a little wary. You don’t send your sister to meet someone if you’re planning to relent on your interest or partially fake a relationship for a little bit of time. “I’m also supposed to tell you how loyal my brother is when he decides to commit, and reassure you that your life doesn’t need to revolve around football.”
“And how are you going to convince me of that?”
“I’m not. But you can tell him I told you all of those things.” She pats my arm, and I’m strangely comforted to know she’s not going to give me the party lines. She introduces me to: Aubrey, her makeup girl; Sharee, her nail tech; and Benny, her hairstylist.
Benny assures me she’s not going to fuck up my hair and she’s not just trained to work on typical white girl hair.
I appreciate that reassurance even more.
From then on, Alena and I talk about ourselves with each other and not her brother or football. She shows herself as a genuine, slightly goofy person. I bet she doesn’t break out into hives when she loses control of things.
I resolve to take a few pointers.
“You’re pretty cool, Sienna. I see exactly why my brother likes you.” Manicures and pedicures are finished, our hairstyles are setting (mine in pin curls to hold the shape, and Alena’s with mousse and a lot of hand styling) and Aubrey is working on makeup.
“I like him too, the casual him. I don’t like the give no fucks, football life him.” I’ve given up keeping the facade that I’m uninterested. I don’t have many girl friends outside of the women at work I’ve become close to, and it’s nice to let my guard down.
I close my eyes as Aubrey does my eyeliner.
“They’re one and the same, you can’t have either or. You just have to figure out a way to let the two coexist.” She swirls the wine in her glass, her eyes a smokey blue that’s just as intense as her brother’s. “The truth is, if you go down this road, football can consume your life if you let it. You’ll worry about injuries every time you see him on the field. You’ll worry about women if you’re not by his side every free moment he’s in a different city. You’ll worry about him being traded or cut and you having to pick up your life and move to a new city.”
“None of that is reassuring, are you trying to make me back out of tonight and just take the small streak on my reputation?”
“Despite my brother’s request, I’m not here to reassure you. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you seem like a woman who does best when she knows the entire scope. I didn’t take you for an ignorance is bliss type of person.”
“I guess that’s true. When I know what I’m up against, I can mentally prepare for it a lot better.”
“Exactly. So, long story short, it’s what you make it. Despite popular belief, you can control your narrative if you know what you’re doing.”
“How? Are you controlling yours?”
“I am. I bet you didn’t know that I’m an engineer. I make very good money without my husband, and I have a life outside of him. I’m Alena Blake at work, and Alena Simms when I leave. How hard I work and how good I am doesn’t change because of a man.”
“Would you ever do one of those WAGS shows? What about when there are articles or pictures of you, it doesn’t bother you that they probably don’t talk about everything you’ve done?” I stop talking for a bit because Aubrey starts lining my lips.
“Just because there are women that are into that, doesn’t mean all of us are. Plenty of us have full careers, families and don’t need the attention. The bottom line Sienna, is that you shouldn’t use all of the potential issues as an excuse. I don’t need recognition from anybody but the people in my field, and they give that to me. Everyone else? They don’t matter.”
“I wish I knew how to not let people matter, but I’ve been thinking about how other people see me almost my entire life. I don’t know how to stop.” I confess, looking down as Aubrey instructs.
She lays down a strip of false lashes, and I hope they’re not super glam. I jerk a little in surprise when there’s misting on my face, but relax because I realize it’s probably Fix + spray.
“Alright gorgeous, tell me what you think.” I look up at the mirror she’s holding, and can’t help the smile that spreads across my face.
I’ve never let anyone else do my makeup. But damn, I guess I just needed someone like Aubrey.
She didn’t do a heavy look at all. My skin looks like it’s glowing from within and she’s actually given me some cheekbone instead of just my chubby cheeks. My eyes look wide and sultry, and the lashes aren’t overdone at all.
I feel sexy. I look amazing.
“You’re magic.” I breathe, and she laughs, tossing her jet black hair over her shoulder.
“I know. You’re welcome. Your turn, Alena.” This time, I get to watch her work on Alena, and I t
ry to take as many pointers as I can.
“I’m scared that he burns so bright, he’ll eclipse me.”
“Well sweetheart, you’ll just have to burn brighter, won’t you?” Alena challenges. “Now get a glass of wine and breathe, you look amazing and you need to stop stressing out about things that haven’t even happened yet.”
“You’re strangely comforting.” I murmur, pouring a little in my glass and passing the bottle back to Sharee.
“You should see me when I’m drunk, I could be a life coach.”
Jaxon
“Man, if you don’t stand still before I throw your ass over this railing.” Chris punches me in the arm and I wince, rubbing my suit jacket.
I’ve been pacing for awhile now, because it’s just a little hard to not stress when you know the woman you can’t get out of your head has so many fears about being with you.
“I just want to see her. Do you think she and Alena hit it off? I haven’t heard from either of them.”
“You aren’t nervous about the game of the year tomorrow, and you’re sitting here pussyfooting over this girl? Alena gets along with everyone, mostly over her favorite past-time of annoying you.”
“Shit, you’re right. What was I thinking? She’s probably talked Sienna out of it. Damn, damn, damn.”
“I’m two seconds from bruising that pretty face of yours. You want that woman to see you sweat? Since when do you care so much, anyway?”
“I don’t know. Since I met her.” I stop in place because there’s an SUV pulling up. My SUV.
“Leave it to you to turn down 15 women who were all ready and willing, and go for the one woman that gives you grief.” He claps me on the back. “Can’t wait to meet her.”
It feels like Malcolm is opening the door in slow motion, and as Alena steps out, I barely register her because I want to see Sienna.
“Hello brother-dearest, do I even get a hug.” Alena swats me on the chest and I blink down at her, hugging her absentmindedly.
“Hey Lena, you look good.” I mumble. “Chris is back there.”
