by Aja Cole
He looks like Jason Mamoa right now, when he’s not in character. It’s weird when he’s usually always clean shaven.
“Well, it’s only us out here so I might as well tell you. I’m taking a deal with Gatorade.”
“Which means that H&S is probably coming to you, Chris, if you’re interested.”
“What? It was between the two of us?” I question.
“Yes, and I was staunchly a Chris supporter before you did all of your begging.” She smiles sweetly.
‘I appreciate that, Sienna. I knew you had better taste than your current choices indicate.”
“Get out of my house.”
“Sorry, I’m married into the family now, you can’t get rid of me.” He raises his bottle to me, finishing it off.
“Yo, how’s the last of the food lookin’? Pregnant woman’s getting restless .” Shawn pokes his head out of the doors, and we laugh.
I lift the lid, checking the sausages and motioning for Chris to bring over the foil pan. “Coming right up man, I wouldn’t want Tash to release the wrath.”
“Bless you.” He says meaningfully, popping back inside.
“I’m so glad I’m never having kids.” Sienna says and I pause in moving the sausage to the pan, not turning around.
“You mean right now?”
“I mean, ever. I just don’t see kids really fitting into my life” I hear her phone ringing, and I go back to moving everything off the grill. “Excuse me, I’ve been expecting this call.”
I hear the sliding door as she goes back inside, and I put the tongs down, pulling the foil over the pan.
Everyone is silent.
“Jax…”Alena starts, and I shake my head, not ready to talk about it.
“Not right now, Lena. I know.” I hand the container to Chris. “Take that in, I’m going to grab another pack of beers from the cooler.”
“You’ve been quiet.” Sienna says, leaning on the bathroom door as I brush my teeth. I avoid looking at her in the mirror and spit out the foam, uncapping mouthwash. I swish it around my mouth for a bit and get rid of it, grabbing a hand towel and drying my mouth.
“Really?” She moves back as I go into the bedroom.
I’m not ready to talk about what she said about kids. That’s not just saying you don’t eat tomatoes or you don’t want to drive a certain car.
That’s a deal breaker conversation, and I don’t want to have it right now. Not when we just got over a hump a few days ago. I just want to pretend everything’s still going well because I don’t know how much longer this has now.
“It’s about what I said about kids isn’t it?” She says behind me, and I close the drawer, not facing her.
“We don’t have to talk about that right now.”
She doesn’t say anything and I tense when I feel her touch my back lightly.
“Okay.” She whispers and leans against me, wrapping her arms around my front. Usually I’m the one to start a hug. She presses a kiss to my back then pulls away, going into the bathroom and shutting the door.
I turn off the light and lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I feel like I did when Alena told me that the tooth fairy wasn’t real and to stop being stupid.
I’ve imagined so many things with Sienna over the past three weeks. It’s a blink of an eye, not even a real amount of time to think seriously, but I couldn’t help it.
I’ve always believed that when you know, you know. There’s no guarantee that I’ll wake up tomorrow, and I’m not going to go by some arbitrary rules about how someone else thinks you should progress or think marriage or any of that shit.
I want to keep learning about her every day.
But I want a family one day too. I want kids to fill this house. I want to hold my child in my arms, take them to practices and argue with my parents over spoiling them.
I want to share in my wife’s pregnancy and go to birthing classes and stress about her taking care of herself and be apart of those moments.
How do I reconcile that with the woman I see doing those things with, not wanting that?
I just found her, and now there’s potentially an expiration date.
Light enters the room before she flips the switch, and she slides into the other side of the bed, turning towards me.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned it when you talked about wanting a family home, but I wasn’t thinking.”
“You’re really not going with my not talking about it right now suggestion, huh? Nothing to apologize about, it’s not like we’ve discussed everything.”
“I know.” I hear the covers rustle and feel her come closer. “This is selfish of me to ask, but…is it a deal breaker for you?”
“Is it a deal breaker for you?” I turn my head, and she’s backlit by the moonlight coming through the large windows.
So damn beautiful that it hurts. It hurts even more now.
“We’re still young, I just…my career is what I’m thinking about right now. How soon do you want kids?”
“I want to be able to enjoy time with them and run after them and all of that, so I don’t want to wait too long. I don’t want to have a kid when I’m 40 or anything.”
“40 isn’t that old, and you’re an athlete. You’re in good condition.”
“Who knows if I’ll make it to 40? Who knows what’ll happen in the next 15 years? I don’t want to keep saying “next year.” I emphasize. “Can we table this conversation? Let’s not make it a problem yet, we’ve been together for less than a month. We could break up in three weeks, and we’ll have spent the time worrying about something that won’t even be an issue.”
“So your solution is avoidance?”
“My solution is wanting to enjoy whatever time we have together right now because I happen to really like having you around. So, I’m sorry if I’d rather fucking focus on that.” I know it’s not that mature, but I turn around and face the other way, hopefully ending the conversation for now.
For awhile, it seems like it works.
“I could see myself very easily falling for you, and that terrifies me already. I just needed to know where this stands, because I know you’re fearless, but I have to prepare myself if this is going to end with us going separate ways. I’m sorry if that conflicts with what you want, but this relationship is two people.”
I don’t say anything, because I know she’s right. This bed is big enough to not touch each other at all during the night unless we want to.
I turn my head after I don’t know how long, and she’s turned towards the wall, asleep.
I move to her back and wrap an arm around her body, moving my arm under her pillow so I can be as close as possible, but still feel my arm in the morning.
I don’t know how we’re going to move past this, or if we will, but I’m going to cherish the time anyway.
The clock is counting down.
Sienna
I wake up before Jax and get dressed, popping a Starbucks K-cup in the Keurig. I know he’s hanging out at Jamie’s school today, volunteering with some of the other guys.
I’m using the time alone this morning to consider my options. I can’t afford to just think emotionally about this, no matter what Jax says about living in the moment.
Up until now, I’ve only thought of what to do to make it to the next step of my career.
Ultimately, I don’t want to be a brand manager at a company, I want to run my own brand agency. I want people to come to me and my team and give us full control over making sure they’re positioning their products correctly, being cohesive in their messages and branding.
I have clout at work, but it’s still reporting to someone else.
I want to be the one making all of the decisions.
Getting into a relationship wasn’t part of my plan, and as such, I never considered what it would mean that I’m not clear on where I stand about having children.
Currently, my stance is that I don’t want them anytime in the near future. Work is most i
mportant to me now, not taking time off for maternity leave or carrying an entire mini human for 9 months.
My near future right now is within the next five years. That’ll put me at 30, and Jax at 31. Depending on where I am by then, my near future might become the five years after that - and that’ll put us over the marker of when he sees himself having a family.
It’s simply not realistic to stay together when there’s an obstacle like this in the way. I can’t predict the future or plan for what isn’t here yet, but I’d rather avoid the heartbreak of having something and then not.
I haven’t fallen in love yet, and it’ll hurt thinking about what could’ve been…but pain is temporary.
I don’t think Jax will see it that way.
My phone buzzes on the counter, and I put it on speaker, placing a mug on the drip tray.
“Caroline, how are you?”
“Hey Sienna, I’m doing pretty well darlin’. I didn’t catch you at a bed time, did I?”
“No, I’m just making some coffee.”
“Great, so, I have a small favor to ask…”
“I’m listening.”
“My impulsive son has decided to come back from his trip to Jakarta early, but he’s rented out his place to Airbnb. Would you mind it terribly if he stayed in one of the guest rooms for a few nights while his place is still occupied?”
Yes, I would very much mind if a man I don’t know moved in with me.
“Not at all, it’s your place,” I laugh lightly. “I just appreciate you letting me use it.”
“It’s mainly so I don’t have to deal with my family in my house driving me crazy when they come to visit. It’s very convenient.”
“I bet. Was there anything else?” I remove my mug, taking out milk from the fridge as Jax walks into the kitchen, only wearing a pair of low slung grey striped pajama pants.
The man’s natural tan in winter is ridiculous. Even my skin gets paler and a slightly less rich medium brown.
“Nope, that’s all. He’s getting in later today and I’ll give him your number so he doesn’t surprise you by coming in.”
“Great. Thanks for the heads up, Caroline.”
“Of course. You have a good day now, sweetheart.”
“You too.” I end the call and stir sugar into my coffee, taking down another mug and setting it on the tray. I put a pomegranate green tea cup in and start it. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” He comes around and kisses me on the forehead and I close my eyes, leaning into the kiss for a second before I move away.
I sit in the chairs at the island, opening my leather portfolio and looking over the notes for my meeting this morning.
Jax is moving around the kitchen, finishing his tea off the way he likes and taking out stuff for waffles.
“Who’s coming for a visit?” He asks, mixing ingredients together.
“Caroline, the woman who owns the residence at Loews, wanted to know if I minded if her son stayed in the guest room for a few nights because his place is being used by AirBnB.”
“Have you met him before?”
“No, but I know Caroline and it’s only a few nights.”
“Hm, okay.” He sprays the waffle maker and pours batter in, closing it and flipping it upside down before he turns to me, crossing his arms. “How old is he?”
“I think it’s probably the younger one? He’s 18 or somewhere around that age.”
He nods slowly, even though I can tell from his face that he doesn’t like it. That’s too bad, because it’s not up to him.
“Are we going to—.”
“You should st—.”
He stops, and motions to me. “You first.”
“Should we schedule a time to talk more about last night?”
Instead of answering, he turns back to the waffle maker, hands clenching on the counter.
It makes his back muscles and arms stand out a bit, and I admire him. I couldn’t have imagined I’d be having these moments with a man anytime soon, let alone this man.
“Just give me until after Valentine’s Day, okay? Can we do that?”
Valentines Day is in four days. I’m not sure what exactly we’ll do in such a short amount of time, but never let it be said that I can’t give a little.
“Okay. Your turn.”
“Nothing, I forgot what I was going to say.” He mumbles, and I bite back my retort. It’s not worth starting the morning on a bad note, not when we’ll be re-evaluating so soon anyway.
I glance at the time, closing and zipping up my papers.
“I have to get to work.” I hop down from the chair and smooth down my skirt, slipping on my heels.
“You look good.” He walks to me, and I know he’s trying his best to hide the troubled look in his eyes but it’s not very successful.
I hate that it’s because of me. This is why I’ve avoided connecting this way, because things you do and want and say no longer only affect just you.
“Thank you.” I put my things down and put my hands on his bare chest, lightly caressing his skin. I meet his eyes and smile genuinely, because no matter what happens, I won’t regret this.
I think he should know that.
“Whatever happens, I won’t regret a single moment we’ve spent together.” My voice catches, and an overwhelming feeling of sadness comes over me that takes me by surprise.
“I won’t either.” He whispers, and I press my lips together because I think if I keep talking, I might do something ridiculous like cry.
Until this moment, I think I’ve been seeing things more abstract, more rational. But seeing the look on his face, I feel it.
I slide my hands up over his shoulders and cup his cheeks, bringing his face to mine. The kiss is sweet, slow, and full of both of us trying to comfort one another.
I pull away and avoid looking at him, picking up my things and grabbing my phone.
“I’ll call you when I’m finished with work.”
I don’t wait to hear his response, I just get out of there before I lose a handle on my emotions.
I wish I were as cold as Winston accused me of being.
It would make this a lot easier.
Jaxon
Jamie opens the door to my Jeep, beaming. He’s always been a happy kid, and I’m glad entering the teenage years hasn’t dulled any of that. He still has an innocent, slightly sweet demeanor about him - unless you’re doing something he thinks is unfair or mean.
Then the kid turns into your worst enemy. He got in-school suspension two years ago for sticking up for a girl that kids were picking on because her uniforms weren’t as new as the other kids.
That was when my parents pulled him out of private school and put him in a good public school, something he didn’t protest at all. The day it happened, I picked him up from school and he turned to me and said “I’m tired of these stuck-up rich kids and I won’t apologize for punching that douchebag.”
I didn’t think my mom would appreciate it if I encouraged him, so I just told him to make sure he was honest with Mom and Dad when they sat him down about it.
I was 9 when he was born, and I just remember being completely fascinated by him. I begged my mom to let me make bottles and change diapers and get him if he cried.
Of course, I was a little young to handle a newborn, but she gave me small responsibilities that I appreciated.
I decided then that I wanted my own baby one day, and I’ve never really wavered on it or questioned it.
Until now.
“I wish we didn’t have to do all this P.E. stuff, but I’m glad you’re gonna be there.” He buckles his seat belt, uncapping a chocolate milk.
“Yo, what’d I tell you about drinking in my car?”
“I’ll be really careful.” He grins, a second before a drop of chocolate milk lands on my console. “Oops.” He says sheepishly, dark hair falling over his brow as he wipes it away with his thumb. “See, good as new.”
“Unhuh.” I grunt, reversing out of
the driveway and pulling onto the street. The school’s only about a 15 minute drive. It’s some kind of day to appreciate fitness and health, so there’ll be some stuff on healthy eating and I know the guys and I are are going to lead some PE games and stuff.
“So….” He starts. “How’s your love life going?”
I glance at him briefly, then back at the road, putting on my turn signal.
“What do you know about a love life?”
“Nothing, that’s why I’m asking you about yours.” He emphasizes.
“Why? Do you have one?”
I can see him shrug, and he drinks from the bottle, swiping a hand across his lips.
“There’s a girl at school that I think I like, but I don’t know if she likes me. I don’t know if I’m ready to be tied down yet either, you know what I mean?”
I barely contain my laughter.
“Have you asked Jesse for his advice?”
“Yeah, he told me that girls are bad news and I should accept now that they’ve been sent to earth to destroy my self-esteem. I figured it would be smart to get some more well-rounded advice.”
I can’t completely fault the man.
“Probably for the best. Tell me about the girl. Why do you like her?”
There’s a little bit of traffic and I glance over at him, a smile pulling at my lips at the intense expression on his face.
“She’s really good at science but she doesn’t act like a know it all. She’s pretty but not stuck up like those girls at the other school, and she laughs at my jokes sometimes.”
I miss the simplicity of being that young.
“She sounds like a really cool young lady, champ.”
“So you think I have a shot?”
“Can’t hurt to ask. Why don’t you ask her to be your partner on one of the games today? Or ask her to eat lunch with you.”
“Those are good suggestions. See, I knew you’d be better to ask than Jesse.”
I pull into a parking space, “The trick is, you just gotta try things and see. Within reason, of course. I don’t need to talk to you about respecting young ladies and women, right?”
“Nope.” He pops the p, grabbing his book bag and hopping out of the car. “I’m not an idiot.”
