As he walks us up the steps, holding my hand in his, I feel the tension set in. I have the opposite reaction I relax into the unease of this place. It is that cold sense of death and dread that I love about the place, it’s like I feel at home even though I don’t live here yet. Callum’s cool hands are sweaty as he grips mine a little tighter. We walk up the concrete steps to the front door and I feel his mood shift, his presence changes in an instant. Every single time we get to this door he turns to stone.
The large wooden door has been freshly varnished and the fresh paint fumes burn my nostrils as we push it open carefully and step into the foyer. The change is almost unreal, while it is still period accurate everything looks and feels decidedly new inside. The designer in charge is faffing about with furniture in the study which will be my new office and consulting room in one, she looks tired and frustrated. The deadline, Callum has had them all working to, is a bit ridiculous, but it looks like they may just get it done. He does not let go of my hand as we start our walk through of the space where I will work from in the future. Callum has decided that the surgery will still run under my name, but Dr Duncan will be there, and I will consult on selective patients from home when needed. I feel him ripping a little part of me away and yet being rid of the surgery is a relief I never wanted it to start with. The room is styled in wood and leather, it is not my personal style, but it is professional and stately. Callum is inspecting every detail in the room, and I watch him as he paces the space checking that every detail is as he wanted it to be. He squeezes my hand to get my attention before he asks me softly “Are you happy with it? This is your space I want you to be happy.” He pulls me to face him so he can see my face when I answer, he knows I cannot lie looking him in the eye. I nod first then remember he likes me to verbalise my responses. “Yes I am happy it is beautiful Callum. Thank you.” Quiet and soft that’s how to keep the monster in its cage. “Hmm.” Is all the answer I get as he walks us out of the office and further into the house. The heat has not been switched on so the air in the hallways and empty rooms is cold and it breezes through the many open windows. I shiver from the fresh gust blowing through one of the guest room windows when Callum pulls me close in a tender moment and holds me to his chest to keep me warm. However, the words, which come next turn my blood as cold as my outsides are. “This is the perfect room for children do not you think?” What the fuck, I told him that very first night, I could not have his children, is he deaf, did he forget or simply not hear that part? I am never going to be a mommy!
I try to push away slightly so I can take a breath before I break this piece of news to him, again. I look up into his dark eyes and see the monster lurking below and I am thankful that I cannot have his children, our children would be born heartless monsters condemned from the very start. I clear my throat a little before I say softly “I cannot have children Callum, it’s not a possibility because I am sterile.” I don’t tell him it was voluntary; that I did it on purpose, that seems irrelevant right now. I won’t be the mother of the next generation of sociopathic demon children. I hate children, I cannot handle their neediness and dependence. I am too selfish to be a mother I can barely tolerate being his lover at this point. I am selfish and I make no apology for that.
And then I see it.The pure rage that was being held hostage as it boils and bubbles to the surface his face changes it becomes hard.The colour of his eyes darkens with the impending outburst that I can tell will follow. I am afraid he may attack me here in front of all these workers, but he would not let anyone see his shiny image tarnished out in public. He grabs my arm, and I can feel his fingers digging into my soft skin as he hisses under his breath. “How am I supposed to be the King of this empire I have created with no fucking heir Shannon?” I feel his anger as the words are spoken into my ears for only me to hear. For the first time since the graveyard, I am afraid for my life again. I am useless to him now.
We don’t look at the rest of the house as Callum drags me away from it to our waiting car as fast as he can escape the place. His anger is tangible now and I know I am in for a world of hurt if not my own funeral. The negative energy buzzes from him like static electricity as he drives us away from the house towards his offices.
I never imagined a situation like this when I had the procedure done, I never imagined someone wanting to have a child with me. I was selfish at that moment, but very honest I know I cannot raise a child. Callum is fuming and I cannot help the feeling that I have stolen his hope of redemption. I think he felt a kid could right his wrongs. Wrong; another villain won’t make our crimes any less than the evil that they are.
He slams his fists on the steering as we sit in standstill traffic. “How the fuck did you not tell me this Shannon? HOW?” He yells at me his deep voice vibrating through the air that is thick with tension already. I allow a tear to fall down my cheek wiping it away quickly so he cannot see. I am useless to him now. “I did tell you, the first night in my surgery and again in your hotel room, in the dark I told you why I would be a terrible wife. I said I couldn’t have your children. I told you Callum.” The anger consumes every part of him as he heaves heavy breaths in and out. I see the realisation set in slowly as his breaths even out, he remembers that I told him, but it doesn’t change how angry he is. I have stolen something from him without even realising it, I have robbed him of his hope.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck how did I forget that? Fuck! I’m sorry Shannon.” I am floored that I got an apology, he has never once actually said sorry for anything he does. His rage simmers down a few notches when he sees he has upset me. Well, he thinks he has upset me I am the master of manipulation, but so is Callum and it is not often that I fool him. He has scared me though, right now I am afraid of this man in the car with me. Part of the reason we are a disaster waiting to happen is how well we can manipulate people and slowly we are learning to do it to one another. There is no give and take for us, neither of us gives an inch on anything, we take what we want. I want to live, he is the only way I can assure another day alive.
He reaches over the centre console of the car and takes my hand in his, he kisses my knuckles. It’s as close to a genuine apology as I will get from him. His eyes are still dark with anger and I can tell this battle isn’t over. This will come back and bite me in the ass but for now I have quieted the storm for a short while. This quiet anger is even more threatening the loud rage of earlier.
He holds my hand and we continue our drive to his office. He will go to work and one of his minions of darkness, most likely Art will take me to the surgery to finish my days work. I am watched all the time now. You see the family is under attack, so I am considered to be at risk. I must admit Callum has been very careful and calculated about this all, and apart from Joel he seems to be sticking to very concrete plan. The attacks on the family have been more threats, subtle in their message but heard loud and clear. I am not sure who is working with him, I see and hear him talk only to Sahib. I met the man behind the voice only once, the evil smirk on his face when Callum introduced me said more than any words he spoke. He did not respect me, I was just a pawn in the game and to be dating Callum in his words “I must be the devil.” Close enough Sahib, close enough. The devil is in the details, and I am a detail in this plan now, a very significant detail.
We don’t turn towards the office and I look over at Callum, his eyes gaze straight ahead as he drives out of the city and towards the coast. I know better than to ask him anything in the mood he is so I just watch the scenery change out of my window. I am not a big fan of the coast, I don’t like the ocean it doesn’t have the pull on me that it has on others. I would rather be in the highlands or mountains that at the seaside. I loathe sand and walking on the beach is torture for me, I smile thinking it would be right up Callum’s street to make me walk along the shore. We don’t drive to the beach. Instead we follow the coast for a while and drive up a small hill. Callum parks the car in a small clearing and gets out I am not sure what to expect. I imagine
my impending murder out in the countryside when he opens my door and holds out a hand to help me out. I feel like I am a prisoner walking down death row to the execution chamber, I am finally going to die. He is still angry I can feel his wrath in the way he grips my hand.
The air still smells of the ocean and cool mist makes it damp and cold. My heels are awkward as we walk on the gravel path. I battle along for a short while when Callum stops and huffs at me. “Take them off or let me carry you for God’s sake.” He is irritated at how slow I am going and something is making him want to go faster. I slip my shoes off and imagine him throwing me over the cliff and saying it was suicide, he did after all shove my sister to her death. Every step we walk, the fear in me, grows a little more. It is eating me alive, making me weaker. The gravel is biting at my feet and has shredded my stockings, but I try to keep up with his long strides. I don’t feel as if today is the day I am meant to die, but I feel like my life will change forever on this cliff, it may even end. My pulse is racing and it's all I can do to keep my breaths even and not hyperventilate. My clothing feels like it is suffocating me and the cold misty air clings to my hair and skin. Callum’s iron grip on my hand as he drags me along only add fuel to the pit of despair I feel in my stomach. I imagine myself on my knees with Neil’s gun to my head like he did so many times. Callum will pull the trigger, he is not a pussy like Neil. I try to swallow the spit that is making me want to puke and fight the bile rising in my throat.
The gravel ends at the top of the hill and we walk into a field of soft grass. My feet celebrate the relief and Callum slows down a little. A small lighthouse sits perched on the cliff just visible through the mist. The salty air is thick and my lungs work hard to breathe from the walk and the fear that is ripping through me. We walk a little further into the field towards the lighthouse. I am afraid of this man. I am terrified of this feeling aching inside me.
My heart stops when Callum stops. This cannot be real.
There is a small blanket laid out on the grass and on it sits a picnic basket and another warm blanket. There is a bucket with wine chilling and two glasses. Before I can get my head around the fact that this is not what a murder scene looks like and I might just live Callum drops down on a knee and produces a ring. The darkness from earlier has left his eyes and I cannot read them, they say things that I don’t want to believe. Things, I know, are never going to be true. The sudden relief, at not being killed, is quickly replaced by the weight of what being married to Callum really means. Maybe being dead isn’t such a terrible option, after all. There are far worse things than death.
I start to shake an uncontrolled rattling from my bones out through my entire body. I know this is not a real engagement, but something is off with this and my sixth telling me say no and run away. You were ready to die today anyway. You are not prepared to marry this man.
No one could be ready for a relationship with Callum, he is sick. There is something so broken in him and he heals it by hurting me. He is the only man who has ever lived to kiss and tell after being with me, I wish I knew how to make myself kill him.
A FEW WEEKS AGO I received a shipment of what you would call blood diamonds, uncut raw and illegal. The unethical diamonds that are frowned upon by the world, mined by children with machine guns and sold for their souls. What could be more perfect for the ring I plan to put on my murderous girlfriend’s finger the thing is I am beginning to like the permanence of it, I am less likely to beat the shit out of her because I have to see the marks next morning. I see the damage my monster inflicts and then I want to fucking kill him. Shannon has stirred something in me, and I am afraid of it, this is new to me a different kind of madness than I am used to. I find myself thinking of her, wanting to be with her and imagining the future with her that I should not want. I am feeling – things I do not know how to feel. Good things and they hurt just as much as all the bad things that came before them. I am in constant agony over her.
The monster is still there, the madness still consumes me and I still hurt her just not as often and I can control it more than I have been able to before. The overwhelming shame at the sight of her broken body, when I do it, consumes me for days after, I have to find a way to make it stop. I spend hours in the gym beating the crap out of punching bags and anyone stupid enough to spar with me in the ring, but some days it is just not enough. Some days I have to hurt her because this feeling is hurting me. Hurting her heals my pain just a little each time. The same soothing relief I get each time a member of my family dies.
Shannon has turned my world and my plan a little on its axis and I feel myself slipping away and my control is getting less and less. I keep having this dream where I am the king of this fucking world and she is my queen, where I worship her and treat her right. In my dream, she is still a dangerous, bloodthirsty killer, but I am safe from her and she serves me with her murderous lust for blood. I am not sure what to make of it all. Back at home I would have seen my therapist that actually helped keep this shit under control. Here I don’t have that luxury my family cannot see me going to a shrink it would not fit in with the plan. They would know something was wrong with me. O’Reilly’s don’t deal with their madness they cover it up and hide. I could use my drugs, they would clear the mess in my mind. That would leave me to think about what I am doing and I don’t want to think, I just want it done. Shannon is messing with my plan, my mind and fucking heart. I shouldn’t be near her without the pills to at least control the episodes. The pills would make me walk away from her, I am never going to do that.
I still don’t trust her not to kill me in my sleep, and I bind her to the bed at night. I know it sounds insane and it is. I know she used to suffocate men in their sleep before she turned to poison so forgive me if I cannot sleep soundly next to her. I also won’t eat or drink anything she has touched. Not yet, we are working on trusting each other. There are other things that are messing with my head at the moment. My family for one, being so close to them is making me edgy and unpredictable. I fucking hate them; I keep reminding myself it is not forever, it is just temporary, and they will all be gone and I will have what should have been mine all along. I will finally be able to silence my demons and be happy. I will go home, get better and live my own life. I want to try and be happy just for once in my life.
I am following the plan to the letter, Sahib is making sure that I do, his family has a lot invested in me and my making this work. He doesn’t like Shannon, he won’t say so out loud, but I can tell in his demeanour when she is with me. She makes him uncomfortable, in their world women are inferior, servants and slaves. They don’t respect them and they certainly don’t understand our ways.
The renovations at the Spillane house are almost complete and if I am frank about it, the place is playing tricks on my mind, creating dreams and memories that I don’t want to have. I think living there is going to be harder than I anticipated. I have made a decision to do it anyway. I am part Spillane, my father is dead and I think it is about fucking time the bad blood stopped being spilled. I am planning to embrace that name and what it once meant in this world. Starting with living in that house, marrying a woman, not a good one, but a wife none the less. Maybe even have one of these heirs they all seem so fucking set on having. I need there to be someone to take this all when I am gone.
My world is changing and me with it. I cannot help the unexplained desire to have what Rowan has, the dark and light. The balance, the everything I shouldn’t have. I dare say it even if only to myself. I love Shannon. That makes me weak and strong at the same time. It means she can kill me even without poison, because she could break my heart.
We are going to do a walk through at the house this morning and then I plan to stick to my plan and propose to her. It has all been arranged, Art, who thinks I am fucking bat shit crazy, has helped me set up a trip to the lighthouse. The only other place I have a genuine memory of my mother. I have the marquise cut diamond ring fit for my queen in my pocket the weight of it feels lik
e it could pull me to the bottom of the ocean and drown me. My heart, something that is new to me, wants her to say yes because she wants to, but I know that this feeling is one sided and I am dealing with it. I can love her enough for us both without telling her that’s what it is. She will feel it eventually. I will make her feel.
THE COLD CONCRETE STEPS do it every time. I get close they suck me back into my past. To a time that I know was the birth of the monster. To the day, my world ended and started. I know it’s not there, but the copper smell of blood swirled with my piss burns my nostrils. Scent, we remember smells most vividly for some reason. The damp air at the entrance to the house carries the smells of the ghosts that haunt my life.
The lady with eyes that match mine steps out of the door, she is dressed so smartly. Her hair is pulled back in a stern bun and her red fingernails are so shiny. She picks me up by ear and marches me to the car in the drive, the sound of her clicking heels is all I hear as the sun slowly rises. I had slept the night in my mother’s blood on those steps. I am cold and wet and scared. She doesn’t talk to me yet. She lifts me into the back seat and puts a seatbelt on me, it is a fancy car. Black and smooth and enormous.
She closes the door and goes around the driver’s side, she glides in, so elegant and put together. Her pale hands hold tight on the steering wheel as she starts the car. Her eyes seek mine in the rear-view mirror, it is like looking at my own eyes. I am just a boy, a baby, but I know she is like me somehow how. From the same place. “I am taking you home now boy, you never come back to the big house you hear me. You don’t tell anyone what you saw. Never. You be brave and good and no one will hurt you. Do you understand Callum?” The way, she spoke my name, was softer, like my mom. I nod at the lady and wipe my tears with my sleeve.
Monochrome My Madness Page 15
