Shannon is poison, but the bittersweet kind that you can never get enough of until it kills you. I allow my mind to wander over the images of her naked and bound to my bed, I won’t break her body anymore I plan to worship it. I love her and now I am free to do it.
I slip into the depths of unconsciousness with the images of her red hair tumbling over her naked back, only there are no marks left on it by my monster. She is perfect and unbroken. Her beauty lies in her danger and I admire every inch of her.
I don’t know how long I am gone for, but in that time my past is erased and my heart can beat again. Connor O’Reilly has no hold on me anymore. By body, feels the blows of another beating but my brain won’t wake for it. Pain bursts through my head searing, burning and crushing my skull I can hear the bones crunching. I am dying. I am going to die without her. I want her, I want to be with her now.
IT TAKES TOO LONG, the noise is too loud, the light is too bright and it is all too real. The policeman tries to heave my body up, talking to me loudly shattering the silence of mind. “Mr. O’Reilly are you alright? We are getting you out of here just hold on for me.”
I am not ready, something went wrong. The pain severs the cord to reality and I am fee falling into the darkness. I am dead. I am stuck. I am alone
I am not loved. I never was.
DREAD, EVERY SECOND THAT ticks by with no news fills the pit of my stomach with more dread. I shouldn’t feel this for a man I am busy killing, but I am not ready to be alone again, not yet. Where the fuck is he and why are the police treating me like there is the biggest target on my back? No one is going to kill me now. Art has not let me out of sight for three days. Callum has been gone for that long and I have had to act like the concerned scared for my life fiancé with his watchdog’s eyes on me making sure I don’t let on who the wolf in sheep’s clothing is. The concern in my stomach is far worse than that, what if Callum has abandoned me and left me behind? Art keeps telling me he will return, but even his words lost the conviction they had when he arrived here. I don’t want to say it, not even to myself, but I miss him. I miss him so badly. He is gone.
The ghost house seems to come alive with the foreboding I carry with me. I begin to doubt everything, I doubt Callum. I am sure he knows I don’t love him and he has left me here alone again. No one will ever love you Shannon, you shouldn’t have believed it to start with. My mother’s words after my first heartbreak ring in my ears. The whole place seems different and I can feel the beginning of a cycle building in me, the grey is blurring the edges of my sanity and I swallow the fucking truth.
“You are a spoiled and ruined, you vile little cunt. No man will make you his, just focus on the job.” My father yells at me from the other side of his desk, when I say I am going on a date. “You are wasting time on feelings Shannon; you do not need feelings you need focus. Should I teach you a lesson again?” The bruises from his last beating have only just faded so I shake my head and look at the floor between my feet. The old beige linoleum is cracked right between my feet. Just like me torn in half.” You don’t need anyone, but yourself Shannon, go out be a whore! But come home and focus, get this love shit out of your head. Your exams are in a month.” I went out that night and only one person returned home after the date. That was the first one. It made me feel good, free and fucking powerful to be able to snatch a life from another. I would never have my own life so I will take theirs. It was also the beginning of a life-long debt to Neil.
I hate remembering them, I hated my father. I hated that after that night with Connor and his men my father felt that he could use me any way he wanted to. He beat me if I didn’t stay on his chosen path for me, the path where I was his disappointing little toy to use up as he needed. My father was a sick man, I am sure my mother’s insanity was from the years of beatings she took and watching him killing my soul murdering my spirit and building this monster. Rape after rape, beating after beating every word spoken to crush my spirit, dreams and my will to live. I just wanted to be loved like they had loved Cassie, but I was reminded every single day that I am not her. Even Callum wanted me to be her. I just wanted love all my life now I have it and I think I hate it. I don’t know what to do with it? I don’t know how to feel it. I am angry because of it.
I need Callum. I am no longer me without him. I need him and I hate him even more for that.
We wait in the house, the police are in and out like they belong there. Like they should be protecting the crime family that runs the streets, but it is this crime family that pays them to keep it this way. They will remain loyal as long as their pockets are lined and things seem to be above board. I busy myself with mundane things like cleaning my office and keeping the same routine I always have. Some strange man who claims to be Callum’s lawyer arrived and told me I should start planning Neil’s funeral and that there would be business matters that needed attention. Callum had named me his power of attorney so it would fall on me. Art nods confirmation of this. I am shocked I know nothing absolutely fuck all about his business. I want to slap Art and scream that he said Callum would return, but I just keep pretending that this is all okay and that I am distraught and worried and everything I should be. I am not though my concerns are for a different reason. I am concerned about the way this is making me feel, and I am worried that the demons of my past are surfacing for the first time since I buried my father. After I watched him die. He deserved to die. I shake my head and try to stay focused on what the men are saying to me. I hear nothing because I am beginning to feel something far worse than what they are saying.
Art’s phone rings and he leaves the room to take the call, I am left alone with the slimy looking lawyer man whose name I will never remember. His beady eyes keep darting around the room as if he waiting for something to happen or someone to kill him. I don’t trust him. I want him to leave I want them all to leave if I am going to be alone then leave me alone God damn it! The man shakes my hand, his grip is weak and his palms sweaty he is afraid of me. I am what makes him nervous, he knows I am the Princess. I don’t bother to see him out I just walk back to the den where Art paces nervously, murmurs into his phone with worried eyes and fists his free hand. There is news I can tell, but what I don’t know is if it is good or bad I search him for a sign, but he is made of stone. I won’t learn anything looking at him, he is too good at hiding everything.
He hangs up and slips the phone into his pocket. “Callum will be home tonight, there was a delay. You need to be prepared for what might come back Shannon. He isn’t going to be the man who walked out the door.” I am confused because I know Callum is the one behind all of this so he should be just fine. What is Art talking about?
“Is your office well stocked? He won’t want to go to a hospital because he will only come to you.” His question catches me off guard and I don’t know how to answer him. So I don’t I just stare at him slack jawed and confused. “And Shannon don’t even think about doing anything to him. I will be next to you every second.” I don’t have to do anything. It is already being done, the Phenacetin works in him every day. Creating those little cancer cells that will end him. I feel a small shudder of remorse about what I am doing to him. He loves you and you are killing him. My grey compulsion overrides those thoughts with others. The need for the high of killing someone takes over, high jacking my mind and all my thoughts.
“Art, I am not going to kill him. I promised him that when he slipped this ring on my finger and then suffocated the life out of me. I am not a fool I won’t poison him.” I try and say it with conviction. He is already a dead man walking. Every single time he cleans his teeth or drinks his fucking whiskey he takes a step towards cancer that cannot be undone. I want his suffering to last years. a quick death is too good for Callum O’Reilly. If he never loved Cassie, I might believe his love for me. I always knew I would kill him. I think I knew it the night that he murdered my sister. I feel the insanity of my cycle with Callum, but it’s a slow burn, not the usual fire and I feel strangel
y satisfied that he is dying slowly because of me. My high is prolonged and unending.
I look around to make sure we are alone, it seems the infestation of unwanted company has left us. “What do you mean he won’t go to the hospital? I thought this was part of his plan Art? Did he expect to get hurt? What is going on?” He better fucking tell me something! Or I might just kill him.
“It had to look real, but things didn’t go exactly to plan. It shouldn’t have taken so long and he wasn’t where he was supposed to be. Sahib changed things and we didn’t have all the information. He is hurt and he hasn’t had food or water since he has been gone. Make sure you have what you need Shannon or I will fetch it from the surgery.” My mind scrambles to think of my limited stock. I will need things that I don’t have, but I don’t want Art to leave. I don’t know what I will need because he isn’t saying what is wrong. I cannot be left alone right now, I will fall apart left with my own thoughts right now.
“I will call Dr Duncan to bring what I need or to send it with Megan.” He coughs a fake ‘clear my throat’ sort of cough. I know, I just know that Megan was cleaned up like all the others. The police said yesterday that there were others not just Neil they called it a spree targeting the prominent O’Reilly family. Stupid girl! “Megan too huh?” He nods with a small hint of remorse he knows she was just an innocent, but she was family and they all had to go. “It had to look real.” It is fucking real! Callum is gone, my beautiful handsome villain is gone and it is hurting me.
I make the call to the surgery for the supplies I will need and then we sit and wait. Art even drinks coffee that I made without thinking. We are both worried and Sahib’s call has upset him. I can tell he is ticking time bomb waiting for the right moment to explode. The inner circle of this plan is minuscule and only he or Sahib could have known what was going on. I have the feeling Sahib kept a secret he shouldn’t have. The man reeks of evil, he is malicious and vindictive. I don’t trust him and I cannot understand why Callum does. His betrayal wouldn't go unnoticed if this were his doing.
We wait though I don’t know exactly what it is we are waiting for because we shouldn’t know anything. Dr Duncan comes and is dismissed by Art when asks if I need help. I watch him walk to his waiting car from my office window as I unpack the box he delivered. The rain continues to pour outside. The light is filtered by the grey clouds making everything seem to be colourless. It is almost like watching an old black and white movie. The only sound is the rain beating on my windows. I am breaking and I cannot for the life of me understand the feeling I have in me right now, I so desperately want him to be alright, to live. Before it was just so, I could kill him, but as the day goes on it is an eerie feeling, an ache for the monster that ties me to the bed every night. Not a need but a lust for him and his touch. I want Callum back, he is mine. Mine to have and mine to kill.
I am broken. I am vile. I am a curse. I am poisonous. I should take the out and run far away from these feelings that tug at what small morsel of human is left inside me. The pull towards Callum won’t let me, the pull that told me he was watching that very first day draws me to him and I cannot seem to break its hold on me. I close my eyes as my past spins into focus.
“Shannon you poisonous little bitch, a day will come when you pay for all of this.” Neil spits at me as he watches his men remove a body from the back door of my surgery. He pins me against the wall and licks my ear with his vile smoker’s breath. “I am going to make you pay one day.” His hands grab at my breasts and I fight a gag, but he heard it. He slaps me on my cheek, the sting is all I need to ignite my rage. “Not if I make you pay first Neil. Let’s not forget how I got this way.” He laughs loudly at me and shakes his head. “Your old man made you, not me Shannon. I just joined in their game.” His hand slides up my thigh and brush my lace underwear. My stomach turns knowing exactly how I am going to pay this time.
Why are these flashes of my past assaulting me now? Kicking me while I am defenceless.
Art said I cannot leave; I cannot walk away without planning my funeral first. Neil may be gone, but leaving Calum will still be the death sentence promised months ago. I will always be a prisoner to this world, to their world. Love won’t set me free, it is just another chain keeping me here.
The time seems to creep by slower and slower, I watch Art pacing in the passage outside as I make sure that I am prepared for whatever walks in the door when it finally does. The sound of the large clock on the mantle ticking is like water torture every tick hitting the same spot in my brain with every strike of the clock hands I go a little crazier. My insanity is swirling around so fast it is building up into a dangerous storm I will never be able to control or stop.
What has he done to himself in the name of this fucking plan? I understand his need to kill them all; I killed my own father because of what he did to me. I wish I knew what Connor and Mirrie really did to him? All of it.
I THOUGHT I WAS PREPARED, ready to face whatever came my way. I have seen bullet wounds, stab victims, car wrecks and none of those could have made what came in through the front door any easier. I was not prepared for it when it hit me. Guilt. It was different now because I cared. I can hear the pieces of me shattering and breaking the second I saw him. I cannot do this because I care! My shell of depravity cracks wide open and exposes my aching fucking heart and it is even more broken than my mind.
Two police officers carry him into the small exam room in my office. He doesn’t command attention or suck the air from the room as he has so many times before. He has been beaten beyond recognition and I know there is no way he even tried to fight back. He let them do this. The fucking idiot. There is no way I can even begin to fix this here, his wants be damned, and he needs an MRI and an X-Ray and more than one doctor. I leave the men to get him on the bed, he slips in and out of consciousness and the EMT’s have inserted an IV with fluids and pain medication already. I grab Art by the arm and pull him out of the room. I run away so I cannot see him. My dangerous, beautiful demon is broken. I know he is gone. My heart is breaking and I want to stop feeling. I just want grey, please make it all stop!
“Don’t argue with me Art - just fucking agree. Put him back in that ambulance and take him to a hospital. Those head injuries are more than I am equipped to deal with. I am being honest Art, he needs more than I can offer. I cannot save him here and I don’t want him to die.” I fight tears, and try to calm down. It is no use, I start to yell. I don’t want him to die, not yet. It’s too soon.
I can’t say to him I don’t want to try because I feel sorry for him because I feel his hurt. I just cannot do this even if I wanted to.
“You sure Shannon? The plan was always to bring him to you.” His whispers to me not wanting other to hear.
“I cannot fix that Art! Was that, that fucking disaster in there, part of his plan? Was dying his plan because he very well might! GET HIM TO THE DAMN HOSPITAL!” I fume at him, but make sure it is loud enough that the men start to take him back out without further instruction.
“Fine, but you go with him Shannon. I have to deal with Sahib first.” His voice is thick with anger and I can tell that it won’t be a pleasant interaction. I am seething a Sahib I know it was him who did this. Only a man with his size and build could come close to hurting Callum that severely.
“Fucking kill him.” I hiss at Art. “Not yet, Shannon we still need him alive. Not forever, just for now. But I will deal with this fuck up. You just fucking save him.”
I turn from him and follow the corpse of the man who left our house only days before, because I can tell without a doubt in my mind that Callum is dead. Whoever wakes from this will be a different man. My heart breaks because I have just lost the man I finally let myself love. I only loved him for a few seconds when he was gone. I just couldn’t admit it. Now he is gone and I am wrecked.
Once again death has followed me. I am the shadow where it hides. I am poisonous.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT happened, I am not where I am supp
osed to be. I have also been beaten again while I was out. The beating was more than my body could take. I am completely broken. Something has gone wrong. The biting anger at another betrayal pulses through me but is overtaken by pain. Agony like I have never felt before.
I saw the police, I heard the EMT’s. I felt every single bump of the drive ricochet pain through my body and my head. My head hurts so badly, let me just sink back into the black hole I was in. I am lifted up again and I wail from the agony. I hear the cry rip from me and I cannot stop it. I cannot open my eyes more than a hairline crack. I smell her. Then I hear her gasp and a muffled cry. I must look worse than I feel for her to react at all. She is here with me, she didn’t run away as soon as Neil died. She stayed.
Before I can stop hurting I hear her command them to take me away to the hospital. Then the black-hole returns thank the good Lord for small mercies. I am not used to hurting, I do the hurting. This is too much, it’s unbearable.
I don’t need to go to the hospital I want to make them stop, make the pain stop. Make everything stop, turn it all back forty years and let me die on the steps with my mother. I want that bullet that took her. I want to erase myself from it all.
I try to pry my eyes open to see what is going on, the noise around me is just a cacophony of sounds my brain cannot sort them out. I feel Shannon holding onto my hand as I am moving fast through the tunnel of light and noise. I can smell her close to me when I stop.
“Don’t you dare fucking die, this is not how you get to die Callum.” She whispers in my ear before everything the pain included is gone. She does care. I knew there had to be a heart in there somewhere. “I don’t want to die. I want to live.” I say it, but I don’t think it comes out at all. Shannon cares enough to stay so I hang on.
Monochrome My Madness Page 19
