They shared certain bonds that couldn't be broken, but it was clear to both of them that they couldn't live together happily. She rode the carousel backwards.
Now, as Zena watched Conrad venting his rage on the table, she realized that most, if not all, of her love for him had been transformed into pity. She felt no passion any more--just an abiding sorrow for him.
Conrad cursed, sputtered through bloodless lips, snarled, pounded the table.
The raven flapped its shiny, black wings and cried shrilly in its cage.
Zena waited patiently.
In time Conrad grew tired and stopped thumping the table. He leaned back in his chair, blinking dully, as if he were not quite sure where he was.
After he was silent for a minute, the raven became silent, too, and Zena said, "Conrad, you aren't going to find Ellen's child. Why don't you just give up?"
"Never," he said, slightly hoarse.
"For ten years you had a bunch of private detectives on it. One after the other. Several at the same time. You spent a small fortune on them. And they didn't find anything. Not a clue." "They were all incompetent," he said sullenly.
"For years you've been looking on your own without any luck." "I'll find what I'm after."
"You were wrong again tonight. Did you really think you'd stumble across her kids here? At the Coal County, Pennsylvania, Spring Fair?
Not a very likely place, if you ask me."
"As likely as any other." "Maybe Ellen didn't even live long enough to start a family with another man.
Have you thought of that? Maybe she's long dead." "She's alive." "You can't be sure."
Y'm positive." "Even if she's alive, she might not have children." "She does. They're out there--somewhere." "Damn it, you have no reason to be so sure of that!" "I've been sent signs. Portents."
Zena looked into his cold, crystalline blue eyes, and she shivered.
Signs?
Portents? Was Conrad still only half-mad--or had he gone all the way over the edge?
The raven tapped its beak against the metal bars of its cage.
Zena said, "If by some miracle you do find one of Ellen's kids, what then?" "I've told you before." "Tell me again," she said, watching him closely.
"I want to tell her kids what she did," Conrad said. "I want them to know she's a baby killer. I want to turn them against her. I want to use all of my power as a pitchman to convince them that their mother is a vicious, despicable human being, the worst kind of criminal. A baby killer. I'll make them hate her as much as I hate her. In effect, I'll be taking her kids away from her, though not as brutally as she took my little boy."
As always, when he talked about exposing Ellen's past to her family, Conrad spoke with conviction.
As always, it sounded like a hollow fantasy.
And as always, Zena felt that he was lying. She was sure that he had something else in mind, an act of revenge even more brutal than what Ellen had done to that strange, disturbing, mutated baby twenty-five years ago.
If Conrad intended to kill Ellen's children when (and if) he found them, Zena wanted no part of that. She didn't want to be an accomplice to murder.
Yet she continued to assist him in his search. She helped him only because she didn't believe he would ever find what he was looking for.
Helping him seemed harmless, she was merely humoring him. That was all. Nothing more than humoring him. His quest was hopeless. He would never find Ellen's kids, even if they did exist.
Conrad looked away from her, turned his gaze on the raven.
The bird fixed him with one of its oily black eyes, and as their gazes locked, the raven froze.
Outside, on the midway, there was calliope music. The hundred thousand sounds of the closing-night crowd blended into a rhythmic susurration like the breathing of an enormous beast.
In the distance the giant, mechanical funhouse clown laughed and laughed.
WHEN AMY STEPPED into the house at a quarter till twelve, she heard muffled voices in the kitchen. She thought her father was still awake, though he usually went to bed early Saturday night in order to get up in time for the first Mass on Sunday, thus freeing the rest of the day for his hobby--building miniature sets for model train layouts. When Amy got to the kitchen, she found only her mother. The voices were on the radio, it was tuned to a telephone talk show on a Chicago station, and the volume was turned low.
The room smelled vaguely of garlic, onions, and tomato paste.
There wasn't much light. A bulb burned above the sink, and the hood light was on over the stove. The radio dial cast a soft green glow.
Ellen Harper was sitting at the kitchen table. Actually, she was slumped over it, arms folded on the tabletop, head resting on her arms, her face turned away from the doorway where Amy stopped. A tall glass, half-full of yellow liquid, was within Ellen's reach. Amy didn't have to sample the drink to know what it was, her mother always drank the same thing--vodka and orange juice-and too much of it.
She's asleep, Amy thought, relieved.
She turned away from her mother, intending to sneak out of the room and upstairs to bed, but Ellen said, "You."
Amy sighed and looked back at her.
Ellen's eyes were blurry, bloodshot, the lids drooped. She blinked in surprise. "What're you doing home?" she asked groggily. "You're m ore than an hour early." "Jerry got sick," Amy lied. "He had to go home." aBut you're more than an hour early," her mother said again, looking up at her in puzzlement, still blinking stupidly, struggling to penetrate the alcohol haze that softened the outlines of her thoughts.
"Jerry got sick, Mama. Something he ate at the prom." "It was a dance, wasn't it?"
"Sure. But they had food. Hors d'oeuvres, cookies, cakes, punch, all kinds of stuff. Something he ate didn't agree with him." "Who?" "Jerry," Amy said patiently.
Her mother frowned. "You're sure that's all that happened?" "What do you mean?"
"Seems . . . funny to me," Ellen said thickly, reaching for her unfinished drink. "Suspicious." "What could possibly be suspicious about Jerry getting sick?" Amy asked.
Ellen sipped the vodka and orange juice. She studied Amy over the rim of the glass, and her stare was sharper than it had been a minute ago.
Exasperated, Amy spoke before her mother had a chance to make any accusations.
"Mama, I didn't come home late. I came home early. I don't think I deserve to be subjected to the usual third degree." "Don't you get smart with me," her mother said.
Amy looked down at the floor, shifted nervously from one foot to the other.
"Don't you remember what Our Lord said?" Ellen asked. a Honor thy father and thy mother." That's what He said. After all these years of church services and Bible readings, hasn't anything sunk into your head?"
Amy didn't respond. From experience she knew that respectful silence was the best way to deal with her mother at times like this.
Ellen finished her drink and got up. Her chair barked against the tile floor as she scooted it backwards. She came around the table, weaving slightly, and stopped in front of Amy. Her breath was sour. "I've tried hard, so very hard, to make a good girl out of you. I've made you go to church. I've forced you to read the Bible and pray every day. I've preached at you until I'm blue in the face. I've taught you all the right ways. I've done my best to keep you from going wrong.
I've always been aware that you could go either way. Either way. Good or bad." She swayed, put a hand on Amy's shoulder to steady herself.
"I've seen the potential in you, girl. I've seen that you have the potential for evil. I pray my heart out to Our Lady every day to look over you and guard you.
There's a darkness deep inside you, and it must never be allowed to come to the surface."
Ellen leaned very close, put a hand under Amy's chin, lifted the girl's head, and met her eyes.
Amy felt as if ice-cold snakes were uncoiling inside her.
Ellen stared at her with a peculiar, drunken intensity, with the burning gaze of a fever victim. She
seemed to be looking into her daughter's soul, and there was a mixture of fear and anger and hard-edged determination in her expression.
aYes," Ellen said, whispering now. "There's a darkness in you.
You could slip so easily. It's in you. The weakness. The difference.
Something bad is in you, and you have to fight it every minute. You have to be careful, always careful." "Please, Mama. . .
"Did you let that boy touch you tonight?" "No, Mama."
"Unless you're married, it's a dirty, filthy thing. If you slip, the Devil will have you. The thing inside you will come to the surface for everyone to see. And no one must ever see it. No one must know what you've got inside you.
You've got to wrestle with that evil, keep it caged." "Yes, Mama." aLettin the boy touch you--that's an awful "Don't lie to me." aWe went to the prom," Amy said shakily, "and he got sick, and he brought me home. That's all, Mama." "Did he touch your breasts?" "No," Amy said, unsettled, embarrassed.
"Did you let him put his hands on your legs?" Amy shook her head.
Ellen's hand tightened on the girl's shoulder, the talonlike fingers digging painfully deep. "You touched him." she said, her words slurring just a bit and the flesh of her face sagged on her bones.
When she was sober she was a pretty woman, but when she was drunk she looked haggard, much older than she looked otherwise. She let go of Amy, turned away, tottered back to the table.
She picked up her empty glass, carried it to the refrigerator, dropped a couple of ice cubes into it. She added a little orange juice and a lot of vodka.
"Mama, can I go to bed now?" "Don't forget to say your prayers."
Y won't forget."
"Say the rosary, too. It wouldn't hurt you." aYes, Mama."
Her long dress rustling noisily, Amy hurried upstairs. In her bedroom she switched on a lamp and stood by the bed, shuddering.
If she failed to raise the abortion money, if she had to tell her mother, she couldn't expect her father to intercede. Not this time.
He would be angry and would agree to any punishment her mother proposed.
Paul Harper was a moderately successful attorney, a man who was in control in the legal arena, but at home he relinquished nearly all authority to his wife.
Ellen made the domestic decisions, large and small, and for the most part, Paul was happy to be relieved of the responsibility. If Ellen insisted Amy carry the baby to term, Paul Harper would support that decision.
And Mama will insist on it, Amy thought miserably.
She looked at the Catholic icons her mother had placed around the room.
A crucifix hung at the head of the bed, and a smaller one hung above the door. A statuette of the Virgin Mary was on the nightstand. Two more painted religious statuettes stood on the dresser. There was also a painting of Jesus, He was pointing to his Sacred Heart, which was exposed and bleeding.
In her mind Amy heard her mother's voice: Don't forget to say your prayers.
"Fuck it," Amy said aloud, defiantly.
What could she ask God to do for her? Give her money for an abortion?
There wasn't much chance of that prayer being answered.
She stripped off her clothes. For a couple of minutes she stood in front of a full-length mirror, studying her nude body. She couldn't see any sure signs of pregnancy. Her belly was flat.
Gradually the medical nature of her self-inspection changed to a more intimate, stimulating appraisal. She drew her hands slowly up her body, cupped her full breasts, teased her nipples.
She glanced at the religious statuettes on the dresser.
Her nipples were erect.
She slid her hands down her sides, reached behind, squeezed her firm buttocks.
She looked at the painting of Jesus.
Somehow, by flaunting her body at the image of Christ, she felt she was hurting her mother, deeply wounding her. Amy didn't understand why she felt that way. It didn't make sense. The painting was only a painting, Jesus wasn't really here, in the room, watching her. Yet she continued to pose lasciviously in front of the mirror, caressing herself, touching herself obscenely.
After a minute or two she caught sight of her own eyes in the mirror, and that brief glimpse into her own soul startled and disconcerted her.
She quickly put on her flannel nightgown.
What's wrong with me? she wondered. Am I really bad inside, like Mama says? Am I evil?
Confused, she finally knelt at the side of her bed and said her prayers after all.
A quarter of an hour later, when she pulled back the covers, there was a tarantula on her pillow. She gasped, jumped--and then realized that the hideous thing was only a painted-rubber novelty item. She sighed wearily, put the phony spider in the drawer of her nightstand, and got into bed.
Her ten-year-old brother, Joey, never missed a chance to play a practical joke on her. Ordinarily, when she encountered one of his tricks, she went looking for him, pretending to be furious, threatening him with grave bodily harm. Of course she wasn't capable of hurting the boy. She loved him very much. But her mock anger was the part of the game that Joey enjoyed most.
Usually, in retaliation for his pranks, Amy did nothing more than hold him down and tickle him until he promised to be good.
Right now he was in bed, probably awake in spite of the late hour, waiting for her to storm into his room. But tonight she would have to disappoint him. She wasn't in the mood for their usual routine, and she didn't have the energy for it, either.
She got into bed and switched off the light.
She couldn't sleep.
She thought about Jerry Galloway. She had told him the truth when she had ridiculed his skills as a lover. She had seldom had an orgasm. He was a clumsy, ignorant, thoughtless bedmate. Yet she had let him touch her night after night. She got little or no pleasure out of the affair, but she allowed him to use her as he wished. Why? Why?
She wasn't a bad girl. She wasn't wild or loose, not deep down in her heart.
Even while she let Jerry use her, she hated herself for being so easy.
Whenever she made out with a boy in a parked car, she felt awkward, embarrassed, out of place, as if she were trying to be someone else and not herself.
She wasn't a lazy girl, either. She had ambition. She planned to go to Royal City Junior College, then to Ohio State, majoring in art. She would get a job as a commercial artist, and she would labor at fine arts in her spare time, nights and weekends, and if she found that she had enough talent to make a good living as a painter, she would quit the nine-to-five job and create wonderfully beautiful pictures for sale in galleries. She was determined to build a successful, interesting life.
But now she was pregnant. Her dreams were ashes.
Maybe she didn't deserve happiness. Maybe she was bad, just deep-down rotten.
Did a good girl spread her legs in the backseat of a boy's car nearly every night of the week? Did a good girl get knocked up while s he was still in high school?
The dark minutes of the night unwound like black thread from a spinning spool, and Amy's thoughts unwound, too--tangled and confusing thoughts.
She couldn't make up her mind about herself, she couldn't decide whether she was basically a good person or a bad one.
In her mind Amy could hear her mother's voice again: There's a darkness in you. Something bad is in you, and you have to fight it every minute.
Suddenly, Amy wondered if her sluttish behavior was just an attempt to spite her mother. That was an unsettling thought.
Speaking softly to the blackness around her, she said, "Did I let Jerry knock me up just because I knew the news would shatter Mama? Am I destroying my own future just to hurt that bitch?"
She was the only one who knew the answer to her own question, she would have to look for it within herself.
She lay very still beneath the covers, thinking.
Outside, the wind stirred the nearby maple trees.
In the distance a train whistle sounded.
The door scraped open, and floorboards creaked beneath the carpet as someone walked into the room.
The noise woke Joey Harper. He opened his eyes and looked at the alarm clock, which was visible in the pale glow of the night-light. 12:36.
He had been asleep an hour and a half, but he wasn't groggy. He was instantly awake and alert, for he was anticipating Amy's reaction to the tarantula in her bed. He had set his alarm for one o'clock because that was when she was supposed to come home, apparently she had returned early.
Footsteps. Soft. Sneaky. Coming closer.
Joey tensed under the sheets, but he continued to feign sleep.
The footsteps stopped at the side of his bed.
Joey felt a giggle building in him. He bit his tongue and struggled to hold back his laughter.
He sensed her leaning toward him. She was inches away.
He was going to wait a few seconds longer, and then, when she was on the verge of tickling him, he was going to yell in her face and scare the dickens out of her.
He kept his eyes closed, breathed shallowly and evenly, and counted off the seconds: One . . . two . . . three . . .
He was just about to shout in her face when he realized that the person bending over him wasn't Amy. He smelled sour, alcohol-tainted breath, and his heart began to pound.
Unaware that Joey was awake, his mother said, "Sweet, sweet, little Joey.
ittle baby-boy angel. Sweet, precious little angel face." Her voice was eerie. She spoke in an odd, half-whispered, halfcrooned, throaty, silky stream of slurred words.
He wished desperately that she would go away.
She was very drunk, worse than usual. She had come into his room several other nights when she'd been in this condition. She had talked to him, thinking he was asleep. Maybe she came in a lot more nights than he knew, maybe some nights he was asleep. Anyway, he knew what was coming. He knew what she was going to say and do, and he dreaded it.
"Little angel. You look like a little snoozing angel, a baby angel, lying there so innocent, so tender, sweet." She leaned even closer, bathing his face with her pungent breath. "But what're you like inside, little angel? Are you sweet and good and pure all the way through?"
Stop it, stop it, stop it! Joey thought. Please, don't do this again, Mama. Go away. Get out of here. Please.
Dean Koontz - (1980) Page 6
