by Lynn Galli
The first time I felt her body press against mine during a goodnight kiss nearly caused an out of body experience. I was still getting used to how amazing this felt and how much she obviously trusted me to get this close. In the past, the press of breasts, hips, and legs against mine might have escalated to feelings of lust, but with M, I felt perfectly satisfied by even the simplest touch or look or kiss.
“God, M, I really love you, you know?” A shudder shot through the frame leaning against me before her arms came up and hugged me fully. Our tenth in this nearly three-month relationship. Yes, I was still counting; I’m sickeningly in love, sue me.
“I do. Thank you,” she whispered.
Not the response of someone awkwardly speechless from an unwanted declaration of love. No, she was actually thanking me for loving her. She hadn’t said it back to me yet, but I guessed with the lack of love in her life, those words might be a little difficult to manage. As further proof, I’d overheard Hank innocently tell her he loved her on our last get-together. Her eyes had widened and softened all at once. She smiled then told him that he was the best, but she didn’t say the words I knew she felt for him. Without consciously thinking about it, I knew I’d be fine with her just accepting my declarations, especially since she didn’t seem to have a problem believing them anymore. Her responses were always varied, from a gentle touch, to a soft kiss, to these wonderful hugs. That was enough for me. That and her expressive brown eyes that told me without words how she felt.
“Ready for lunch?” My lips grazed her ear.
“Where to?”
“Well,” I hesitated, which made her pull back to look at me.
“A couple of my friends own a café and want us to stop by, if you don’t mind. They would like to meet the woman who’s made me nauseatingly happy. Their words, not mine.” She was managing the panic again. “Just how many friends do you have?”
“In addition to the four we had dinner with and the two loonies who just left, there’s Sam and Caroline, who own the café, Isabel and Kayin, who are very low key, and Des and Skye, who require large amounts of alcohol to endure sometimes. Don’t worry, though, it’ll just be Caroline and Sam today.” She gulped visibly. “I think I can handle that.”
“Thank you, honey. They’ll be on their best behavior, I promise.”
“It’s not like I’m meeting your parents or anything,” she joked to ease her apprehension.
“Yeah, about that,” I started tentatively and watched her retreat two steps when she recognized my tone. My stomach twisted as I contemplated how to word this request. “I hope you don’t have any plans for the winter break. My parents are kind of insisting I bring you along.” I reached out and grasped her shoulders. “Don’t panic yet, beautiful.”
“No, ‘course not. I’ve got five weeks for that,” she responded.
As much as I enjoyed the sarcasm, I liked even better that she hadn’t given a second thought to the fact that we’d still be together by Christmas. Without her needing to tell me, I knew she was in this for the long haul like I was.
Chapter 33
Even though it made me feel a little guilty, I always enjoyed the dates M and I shared by ourselves. Being able to stroke her fingers or arm or neck without having Caleb giggling or nudging me was a treat. Ten-year-olds were not good dating accessories. I loved that she was happy to include him once or twice a week, but I cherished our alone time all the more. Tonight, we were headed out to dinner and possibly the play we’d been talking about for weeks.
A familiar scent from our favorite restaurant wafted over me when M opened her apartment door. She must have decided on something different for tonight. “Hi.” She smiled broadly for a moment before what looked like tentativeness tightened the expression.
“Hey there.” I cocked my head, puzzled by her unexpected insecurity, but tilted toward her for a hello kiss. Like every kiss, whether a brief hello or lengthy parting, she seemed to savor the sensation. I had the feeling she wouldn’t ever take kissing for granted.
“I ordered in,” she told me after pulling away. “You don’t mind, do you?”
I glanced around her apartment, noting the low lighting, classical music, and candles on the table. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she was trying to seduce me. As exhilarating as that thought was, I stamped out all flare ups of lust because I’d made a decision at the start of our relationship. If, well, hopefully when, she was ready for sexual intimacy, she’d have to be the one driving down that road. I wouldn’t push her, ever. “Not at all,” I assured. “Smells delicious.”
She looked relieved, but it didn’t last through dinner. The constant flush on her face reminded me of that time in my office when I kept noticing her blush. I sat tight, waiting her out. I knew she’d let me in when she was ready.
After dinner, she faced me on the couch, spine ramrod straight, eyes looking everywhere but at me. “I have something I need to tell you.”
I felt my heart rate kick up, fearful that her discomfort wasn’t a simple matter of embarrassment. Rather, that she’d made a decision about our relationship not working for her. “You can tell me anything.” But please don’t let it be that we’re over.
“I don’t do it anymore. I never wanted to do it. It’s not part of my life, but I don’t want to be dishonest with you either.” The words were rushed, desperate.
I reached for her hand, cradling it in both of mine. This didn’t sound like a breakup speech. “Just say it, whatever it is.”
“I went to a therapist for help with…you know.” Touch, intimacy, yes, I knew. She’d mentioned the therapist to me before. I’d been overjoyed that she’d spoken with a professional about her trauma, if for no other reason than she had to talk about it to take back her power.
“She recommended I try something so that I could be like everyone else.” Her eyes flicked to mine to test my expression before refocusing on the bookcases. “A specific…well, certain way to have sex.”
I trained my features not to show surprise. She’d alluded to something like this when I’d first told her I was attracted to her.
So, she’d had sex. I’d had sex with a few women I’d been involved with before meeting Megan. I should just shut down the ache in my chest at the thought of her with someone else. It wasn’t fair to her.
“I mean, I didn’t, I wasn’t, well, fully involved.” Her hesitant starts and stops brought the aching I felt into perspective. I needed to stop with the jealousy and focus on how difficult all of this must have been for her. “There’s this club in DC.” Ah, the club that Jessie mentioned.
“It’s for a particular lifestyle.” Her eyes cut to mine.
“Dominance-submission.”
Gulp. Way out of my league, even as open and experimental as I’d been.
“The therapist said that I’d need a partner I could control and keep from touching me. Then I could participate to whatever degree made me comfortable.” Her breathing increased with the rapid acceleration of my heart. “But that never happened. Even when they were completely bound, I never felt comfortable. I used toys rather than touch them, and they never touched me. I barely had anything to do with their pleasure. I was just there.” Even battering past all the images I conjured of M in that club, not once did I picture her doing anything other than being an extension of an apparatus. Technically, any intimate act was sex; I’d always believed that. But this, what she was saying, how she described it, this wasn’t sex. Not for M. She’d been more of a cursory participant, almost like a scientist working on an experiment. One that had failed miserably for her.
I disliked the shame in her voice. Given the trauma she’d gone through as a child, this type of club made perfect sense. She would have ultimate control over anything she experienced without the fear of being touched. I didn’t like that she’d been so desperate to feel like everyone else that she’d forced herself to go and that she hadn’t enjoyed it. She deserved so much more.
When she finished by telling me
a few other details, like how she’d always stayed dressed and worn a mask and gloves, I wanted to cry for her. I’d never had the hang ups about sex that most people did. It couldn’t be perverse if the people involved were consenting adults. Whatever got someone off didn’t have anything to do with me unless I was in that relationship. I wouldn’t judge someone based on what made them feel good. I certainly wasn’t going to judge M, especially since it never made her feel good.
“I don’t need it. I never did,” she ended urgently. “The therapist insisted that it would help, but it never did.” Her eyes flicked back to mine before glancing at the door. She stood abruptly, obviously expecting me to storm out of her life and probably never come back.
“M?” I stood, getting her attention back from plotting my escape route. “I love you.”
Tears pooled and trickled onto her cheeks. She didn’t try to hide it from me this time. “You’re not disgusted?”
“Nothing from your past touches you or us. Even if you told me you still needed it, we’d deal with it together.” And I meant that. I’d try going to that club with her, if that would make her comfortable. She needed to know that I’d be willing to try anything with her. “Nothing you’ve done will ever disgust me.” I stepped closer, reaching a hand out to her. “We’ve been doing great so far, haven’t we?”
“Yes.” She grasped my hand, holding on for a full minute before she stepped into my arms. Her body trembled as it settled against me. She let me hold her until her tremor stopped and for some time longer.
* * *
“You’re all so great to do this for me again. Thank you.” I headed over to stash the microphone in the audio-visual cabinet.
My friends stood from their seats on stage, having come through for me yet again. This was the third time they’d shared their start-up stories and answered questions for my entrepreneurial students. The speaking engagement had grown so popular I now had to book the auditorium to accommodate all of the graduate business students who wanted to attend.
“We’re happy to do it, Bri,” Jessie proclaimed for the group.
Like after the first time she’d spoken to my class, I wanted to hug her for helping me out.
“Except Des, who wasn’t even awake for most of it,” Caroline joked.
“Hey, I work construction hours, sister. You don’t even roll into your café until nine. By then, I’ve already been on a job site for two hours.”
“Aww, Des is cranky ‘cause it’s past her bedtime,” Sam shot back. She also didn’t have to get in to open her bookstore until nine.
“You haven’t seen cranky, yet, bookie.” Des’s threat made us all laugh. As exasperating as some of these women could be, I was so thankful to count them as my friends.
“Jessie!”
I turned toward the doors, surprised to see Caleb and M entering the auditorium. She’d offered to stay with him tonight because my usual sitter, Holly, had gotten the flu. I’d thought I’d have to postpone the speaking engagement when M volunteered to help out. In Vermont, I would have called one of his grandparents or aunts, but since moving to Virginia, I’d trusted only Holly among the sitters I’d tried. If she wasn’t available, then that was my tough luck. But without having to ask, M had stepped in, making me wonder how I’d made it as a single mom so long without help. Now that I had M to rely on, life seemed so much better in every way.
“Hiya, CeeGy.” Jessie caught Caleb as he tore down the aisle and jumped into his buddy’s arms. She swung him from a perch on her hip to dangling upside down in seconds. Cackles of laughter erupted from him and got everyone else giggling, too.
“You gonna say hi to your mom, maybe?” His now ruddy face tilted toward me as he gripped Jessie’s shins for support. “Hiya, Mom.” He giggled again when Jessie flipped him up then slung him onto her back.
“Hey, kiddo, this is a surprise.” I glanced back at M, who stood rooted to the ground just inside the doorway. She must not have expected everyone to still be here.
“M helped me finish my homework, so we thought we’d surprise you at work and take you out to ice cream.” He probably thought he was getting away with manipulating ice cream into the deal. Not that I minded since I figured it was M who’d come up with the idea to surprise me.
“So you’re M?” Des boomed out across the auditorium, shooting a knowing grin at me.
I groaned inwardly. This was not what M had in mind for her surprise tonight. I didn’t need to be any closer to see her tremor.
She hadn’t met Des, Skye, or Kayin yet, and I was afraid some of my stories might have made her hope that she’d never have to meet them.
Des started toward the stairs, but Jessie stepped into her path, shifting Caleb from her shoulders to the ground in front of her.
He high-fived Des and Skye then turned to greet everyone else, which gave me enough time to hustle down the stairs and up the aisle.
As I got closer, M’s tremor subsided and a peaceful smile came over her face. My heart, which had been squeezed with tightness over how she might handle dealing with most of my friends all at once, now expanded with love at the happiness I could so clearly see in her expression. “Hi,” I whispered and, because I couldn’t help it, leaned in for a brief kiss.
Her mouth stretched into a smile as soon as I pulled back.
“Sorry, we thought you’d be alone and packing up by now.”
“I’m glad you’re here. It’s a great surprise. Thank you.” I touched her cheek and turned back to my friends. “Des, Skye, Kayin, I don’t think you’ve met my girlfriend, M. And M, you remember Lauren, Caroline, and Sam.”
Her hand came up to rest against my back as she greeted them. “Yes, it’s good to see you again, and nice to meet the rest of Briony’s friends. I’ve heard a lot of wonderful things about you.”
“Hey, M.” Jessie strode toward us, the pack following close behind. Before they could completely surround us, Jessie turned and pulled Caleb close, effectively creating a barrier between us and them. I really wanted to hug her for that.
“Hi, Jessie.” M flashed a grin at her.
“Jeez, Jess, do you know everyone?” Kayin joked.
“Yes,” she deadpanned, reaching her hand out to Lauren who edged in next to her. “You’ve got a trial to prepare for, Blue. We’d better skedaddle. And Des, weren’t you whining about having to get to work early?”
“I’m liking the idea of ice cream right now.” I didn’t know Des well enough to know if she was kidding.
Feeling M’s hand shift from my back to clutch my waist told me the idea of Des joining us terrified her. I couldn’t blame her since the idea terrified me as well.
“You weren’t invited,” Jessie told her blandly and casually clamped a hand on Caleb’s shoulder to keep him from issuing the invitation that I knew would fly out of his mouth. Damn, Jessie was good with him.
“Don’t tell me—” Des’s statement was cut off by a shot to the ribs from her partner.
“You’ve got an early day, baby,” Skye told her, looking up at the wall created by Jessie and Lauren.
“Fine,” Des said in a bothered fashion.
“Thank you all again. You were a major hit, as always,” I reiterated.
Sam and Caroline grabbed me into a group hug with Skye.
Des cuffed my shoulder, and Kayin waved in parting. Lauren and Jessie each hugged me then turned to M. Jessie spoke her farewell, but Lauren moved toward her. M tightened her grasp on my hip and took an unconscious step behind me. The movement caused Jessie to wrap her arms around Lauren to keep her in place.
Lauren cut her a sharp glance before apparently reading the signals correctly.
“See ya, Jessie. Bye, Ms. Lauren.” Caleb hugged them both before they sauntered out of the auditorium. “Ice cream now?” His eager face brought a laugh from us.
“Run up backstage and find the lights to bring them down, will you?” I spurred him into motion then turned to face M, delighted by her appearance tonight and her co
urage among the large gathering. She’d been dreading meeting all of them, but she managed it so well. I no longer worried how she’d handle meeting my family in a couple of weeks over our break.
“Hey, you,” she greeted again, her smile much more confident. “We couldn’t stay away.”
“I’m so glad. I know the feeling.” I cupped her face in my hands. My body brushed up against hers as I pulled her in for a private kiss, the one I’d wanted to give her the second she walked through the door this evening.
She moaned into my mouth and reached around me to crush us together. Her soft lips caressed first my upper lip then my lower before coaxing them wider to allow her tongue entrance. It stroked over mine, shooting flames through me as I strained not to rub up against her. She felt so good, and I was having a harder time of late reining in the desperate need I felt every time I got my hands on her. But just kissing her brought on a satisfaction I never thought I’d achieve. I could be happy with this for as long as she needed.
“Eww, smooching,” Caleb called out from the stage, having found the light switches already.
We broke apart. My laughter helped ease the crimson on M’s cheeks. This had become a common occurrence whenever Caleb joined us. I knew he was secretly pleased that his mom was so happy. Not to mention how thrilled he was that I’d chosen a woman he already cared about.
“Ice cream!” M prompted and we watched as my son leapt off the stage hopping excitedly toward us. She turned her grin on me, and I felt a balloon of emotion swell inside. I wondered if she realized that with her simple gesture tonight, bringing Caleb to surprise his mom after her long workday, she’d just locked in her role in our little family.
Chapter 34
A week before we were supposed to leave for Vermont on winter break, M rang my doorbell for our date. I’d been expecting her to back out of the trip every time we’d seen each other for the past two weeks because it was so clear how nervous and uncomfortable it made her. Perhaps tonight would be the night.
