by Sky Corgan
I cling to him desperately, loving the feel of his body moving on top of mine. He pushes into me a few more times, and then he stills, panting while he kisses my cheeks, my nose, my eyes.
He rolls off of me to go to the bathroom and grab a towel, cleaning me up before he climbs into bed beside me again. This time when he pulls me into his arms, I know it's for sleep.
I slide my hand over his stomach before bringing it up to his chest, nuzzling against him. My fingers splay across the hard muscle there, feeling the thrumming of his heartbeat. I tilt my head to kiss the patch of skin next to my thumb, sighing contently. Sexually, I'm completely fulfilled. Emotionally, I'm topped off as well. It's crazy to think that just this morning I had convinced myself that I never wanted to see him again. Now I'm more in love with him than ever. The feeling is so intense that I can hardly contain it.
A blush creeps over my cheeks as the words roll around inside of my mouth. I shouldn't say them. He doesn't deserve to hear them.
Maybe if I say them though, he'll realize how much he means to me. Perhaps it will make him leave Flesh. Should I take the chance? The thought of saying them just makes me feel so vulnerable.
“I...” I hesitate, choking on my own breath as if my heart is pulling the words back into my throat. I need to get it out though. The feeling is just too strong to be denied, and he needs to know the truth. “I love—”
SNORE!
My shoulders slump from the realization that he's fast asleep. Then I shake my head and grin. I was so sure that I'd be the one to pass out first. Maybe he was more exhausted than he let on.
Oh well. Surely, there will be other times to say it. Better times. A time when I'm certain that he loves me too.
***
The morning comes early, as it always does on days when I have to work. I groan when I realize that Lucian is already out of bed. It's a bit annoying that he can sneak out of the room without waking me.
I roll over onto my back and hiss from pain. The night's sleep didn't erase the sting of the lashing. My back feels tight, and I know that every time I move the wrong way, I'll remember what he did to me. It makes me kind of sad, but I have to remind myself that it is what I wanted. He gave me a taste of what he does to the girls at Flesh, and I couldn't handle it. I don't want to think about that now though. I never want to think about it, to be honest. Knowing that he's still going to be working there...It doesn't make me feel good.
I force myself out of bed and rummage through his closet for a shirt to cover myself with. We're past the point of me worrying about how he'll react to me putting on his clothes. As far as I'm concerned, we're a couple now. He belongs to me and I belong to him. Sure, our relationship is unconventional, but we'll make it work somehow.
There's no smell of food wafting in from the kitchen this morning, but I decide to head that way anyway. Lucian is on the sofa in the living room watching the news. I can't help but smirk at the realization that I'm already becoming accustomed to his morning habits.
He smiles at me when I come into view, looking me up and down before he wolf whistles at me. “You look better in that shirt than I do.”
“Thank you.” I grab the sides of the white button down shirt and pull it closed so that my breasts aren't exposed.
“Breakfast is in the fridge. I cut you up a bowl of fresh fruit, and there's yogurt with granola in it as well. You can have your choice of juice or milk. Feel free to rummage through the cabinets for a glass. Me casa is su casa.”
“Did you already eat?” I try not to frown in disappointment. It's a dumb question considering that he's already dressed for work.
“Yeah.” He returns his attention to the television, probably silently urging me to continue on to the kitchen.
I open up the fridge to find a small tray with sliced up fruit and a cup of yogurt with granola. I pull it out, pour myself a glass of milk, and head into the dining room to eat, wishing I could be in the living room with him. I love our mornings together and want to spend as much time with him as possible before I have to get back to reality and the fear that he might relapse into being dismissive again. How I hope that doesn't happen this time. I honestly don't think I could take going through it again.
I practically inhale my food just so I can get to him faster. By the time I make my way to the living room, he's watching something on the History channel. Boring, I think though I don't dare to say it.
Almost the second my ass hits the sofa, he turns to me and asks, “Aren't you going to get dressed? We both have to leave soon.”
I frown, feeling rejected as I force myself to stand and find my clothes in the dungeon. Is he already putting space between us? It sure seems like it. Aside from his flirting comment earlier, he's been nothing but cold towards me since I got up.
When I open the door to the dungeon, the smell of sex hits me like a ton of bricks. I quickly start opening the windows in the room before I put my clothes on. The strap that Lucian lashed me with as well as the collar that he made me wear are still lying on the floor. I stare at them for a moment, my mind shifting back to the horrific scene before he took pity on me and decided to rectify things. The thought that some women actually get pleasure out of such violent acts is completely out of my realm of understanding. The thought that he enjoys hurting women like that makes my heart throb with pain. I'll never be able to give that to him. Will he ever be able to live without it?
With a heavy sigh, I finish putting on my clothes before returning to the living room. Lucian has already turned the television off and is standing there checking the contents of his pockets to make sure he has everything he needs for work.
“Are you ready?” he asks when he looks up at me.
“I suppose so.” I try not to seem too disappointed as I follow him to the door.
The morning went by so fast. We didn't even get to spend any time together. Now I really wish he would have woken me up earlier.
Once we're outside, he throws his arm over my shoulder, walking me out towards my car. “I want you to have a good day at work.”
“Same to you.” I smile weakly at him.
“I'll talk to you tonight.” He kisses me on the temple before leaning over to open my car door for me.
The fact that he's seeing me off makes me feel a little bit suspicious as if he's going to go do something else besides work after I leave. I do my best to wipe that thought away. Relationships are built on trust. I need to learn to trust him.
I pull out of his driveway, watching him in my rear view mirror until I have no choice but to pull out of sight. He was walking back toward the house when I last saw him, probably either going to call his driver or drive himself to work. I know that he has his own car. Perhaps a few cars.
All the way back to my apartment, I ponder everything that went on the day and night before. It seems like every time that I see Lucian, I'm left dwelling on his actions. It's hard to trust anything though when he's so emotionally unstable. It makes me emotionally unstable, and I don't like that at all. Oh well, at least we're making progress.
As soon as I get home, I change and then head back out to work. Next time I go to Lucian's house, I need to bring extra clothes so that I don't have to do all of this running around. It would be so much easier to go straight from his house into work.
Derrick is coming out of Tyra's office when I walk through the doors of Environ Design. He waits for me at my desk with a smirk plastered across his face.
“What?” I ask, quirking an eyebrow at him.
“He must have torn that shit up last night.” Derrick nods towards my skirt.
Instantly, I glance down to check for snags, taking his words a bit too literally. When I realize that there's nothing wrong with my outfit, I look back up at him. “What are you talking about?”
Derrick rounds the corner of my desk and leans over to whisper in my ear, “You're walking funny.”
My cheeks turn about seven different shades of pink and I cover my hand with my fac
e in embarrassment, inhaling deeply before I finally get the courage to ask, “Are you serious?”
“Mhm.” He nods slowly. “So what did the two of you do? Tell me all of the details.”
“Do you really want to hear about it?” My expression is skeptical.
“Girl, I ain't never seen you look like that before. There's not enough makeup in the world to hide the bags under your eyes. And that little wide-legged swagger you've got going on. I know there's some crazy story behind it. Did you even sleep last night?”
I'm both amazed and a little refreshed by Derrick's new found interest in my relationship with Lucian. Apparently, he's forgotten all about his crazy love confession. There's no jealousy in his tone at all.
“It's kind of not safe for work.” I round my desk and slowly lower myself into my chair. In truth, I am quite sore. It feels like Lucian bulldozed my pussy. My ass doesn't feel that great either.
“Some other time then.” He taps my desk with two fingers, clicking his tongue at me before he turns to leave.
I let out a heavy sigh, booting up my computer to check my email. Nada. Nothing new from Tyra. Nothing new from Lucian.
The day is long and boring. One can only play so much solitaire and do so much internet surfing before it becomes draining.
Around noon, I decide to text Lucian to see what he's up to. If he doesn't respond, then I'll know he's back on the path of avoidance. My heart cramps at the thought that everything that happened yesterday might have been for nothing. If he keeps acting distant towards me, it's definitely over. There's only so much that a person can take.
Trying not to think about it, I go to lunch with Derrick, dishing all of the dirty details to him while we sit in a booth at a restaurant. I watch the lines in his face harden at some points, and I know he's resisting the urge to get angry though he does throw a few snide comments in here and there. For the most part, he just listens, pretending to understand my illogical obsession with Lucian when we both know that he really thinks I'm just crazy over his stunning blue eyes and perfect body.
After lunch, I return to work and an afternoon of more boredom. I hope that Lucian gets on the ball with his interior design project soon. No interior design project in the history of Environ Design has lasted this long. It's ridiculous.
Since I have nothing better to do, I watch my phone, scowling at it every time I light up the display to no new messages. As the hours tick by, hope fades away that Lucian was genuine. Was he just playing more mind games with me? Was I stupid to give in to him yet again? Maybe I'm going insane because no other woman would put herself through this repeatedly.
The workday comes to a close, and despite having done absolutely nothing of importance, I feel exhausted. Waiting for Lucian to get in contact with me has slowly chipped away at me. Yet again, I've allowed him to have too much control over my emotions and my mood.
I try not to sulk as I drag myself out to my car, smiling weakly at Derrick as I wave at him while he walks across the parking lot. The thought of having to tell him tomorrow that Lucian duped me again is disheartening. I can only imagine that both he and Janice are tired of hearing me whine about Lucian. I'm tired of whining about him too.
Speaking of wine, tonight seems like a good night for it. I need to relax my body and my soul, so I stop by the liquor store and grab a chilled bottle of Moscato to drown my sorrows in.
When I get home, I immediately set my purse down and then go to the kitchen to uncork the bottle, pouring myself a wine glass full. This will help to take the edge off of the pain I'm feeling, both inside and outside. The pain of loving Lucian Reddick.
I drop myself heavily on the sofa and lean forward to grab the remote. A second before I flick on the television, my phone rings. My shoulders droop and I sigh at the thought of having to get up to retrieve it from my purse. Shouldn't humans have developed some sort of telekinesis by now?
I don't want to get up and answer my phone. It's probably Janice or my parents, both of which I can call back later. But then I start worrying that one of them might be having an emergency, and I force myself up anyway, taking heavy steps to the bar to dig through my purse.
It's just about to go to voice mail when I see the name on my caller ID. Lucian. My heart skips a beat as I quickly answer the phone and hold it up to my ear.
“Hello?” I ask.
“Hey gorgeous. Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you all day. How was your day?”
“Boring, but better now. So much better now.”
CHAPTER FORTY
“Can I ask you something?” It's taken everything in me to be patient enough for Janice to put her purse down. Weariness is etched across her face from a long night of work. She doesn't look like she wants to talk, but she's the only one who I think might understand the way that Lucian feels.
I should be content with the fact that he called me this afternoon. We only spoke briefly over the phone, but it made a big difference in how I feel about our relationship. He's doing his best to show that he cares, that I'm not just some fling to him. Still, the fact that he won't leave Flesh is gnawing at me like an unpredictable wild animal that might tear me apart at any moment.
I'm doing my best to accept that he needs Flesh, but the woman in me just doesn't want to allow it. Even though I do want him, I never wanted this warped relationship. Knowing that he touches other women, that he sees them naked, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Besides, my mind keeps flitting back to our scene. He put his hands on me in a very sexual way, even when he was giving me the Flesh treatment. Does that mean he touches them the same way? If he does, it's just as good as cheating.
“I'm tired, Amy.” Janice wrinkles her forehead.
“I'll try not to take up too much of your time.” I give her a pleading look. If I don't discuss this with her, I probably won't sleep all night.
“Are you sure it can't wait until tomorrow?” She sits down on the sofa beside me and starts taking off her pink and white sneakers.
“Things are getting better with Lucian,” I begin, ignoring her obvious exhaustion.
“That's good,” she replies absentmindedly. “But?”
“But he refuses to stop working at Flesh.”
Janice sighs, her shoulders slumping. I can see the tension mounting in her jaw muscles. She takes a deep breath, sucking back potentially hurtful words. “I wish you would just get over him.”
“Part of me understands why he doesn't want to stop. We did a scene together, and...” I search for words to explain things. “I can't give him what he needs.”
“Of course you can't. You're not a submissive.” She pulls her socks off in jerking motions.
“That's not what I meant.”
“What do you mean then?” She relaxes back against the sofa, closing her eyes and wiggling her toes.
“I don't think it so much bothers me that he wants to keep working at Flesh as it does that I don't trust him. I mean, it gives him the perfect opportunity to cheat on me. I don't know what the other women who go in there look like. What if he can't stop himself and does something with one of them?” The very thought makes my chest throb with pain.
“It bothers you that he still wants to work there.” She casts a sarcastic sideways glance at me. “Don't even try to lie about it. I know you too well.”
“It does bother me.” I sulk. “I know I can't stop it though. I mean...”
Janice turns to me. “I want to be supportive of your relationship with him, I really do. But I think we all know this isn't going to have a happy ending.”
“It could.” It sounds more like a question than a statement.
“It won't.” She shakes her head. “But I know you're already committed to him. I just wonder how long it will take before he completely breaks you.”
“Well, that's not very supportive.” I frown.
“No, it's being a realist.”
“We've made progress. He's stopped avoiding my calls.” I can feel my te
eth clenching as anger starts to well up inside of me. Maybe talking to her about this was a bad idea after all.
“How much effort does it take to pick up a phone?” She rolls her eyes.
“Look.” I gesture out in front of me as if I'm trying to dispel the negative feelings that the conversation is causing. “I just need to know that he's not sleeping with other women, and I need your help for that.”
“How am I supposed to help with that?” She cocks an eyebrow at me.
“Ask your Dom what Lucian does next time you go to Flesh. Ask him if Lucian is still sleeping with clients.”
“And how do you expect me to fit that into a conversation?” She scoots to the edge of her seat as if she's just waiting for an opening to get up and leave.
“I don't know. I was hoping you could figure something out.”
“Why don't you just ask Lucian?”
“Because I don't know if he'll tell me the truth.” I draw my hand up to my temple, feeling the beginning of a headache coming on.
“Look, Amy, the solution is simple. If you don't trust him, then don't date him. I'm not going to spy on your boyfriend for you. That's high school bullshit, and I have enough on my plate as it is.” Janice stands, speaking down to me in a condescending tone. “He's your problem. You deal with it.” And then she stomps off to her room, leaving an air of tension behind that makes my eyes well up with tears.
***
I tap my flower pen on my desk, staring at my monitor blankly with a hollow feeling in my chest. It seems that my relationship with Lucian is always causing a divide with my friendships. It's not really his fault though. It's my fault for always whining about him. My fault for pining after him and putting him before the other more important relationships in my life. My fault for expecting other people to go above and beyond to protect my feelings.
