“We’re gonna circle around and discuss the last half of that statement in a second. But really, you forgot?” Devin sits up, his movement causing the sheet to fall around his hips. I try to keep my eyes on his, I really do, but it’s too damn hard. His chest is drool-worthy, and don’t get me started on those abs. There are easily … one, two, three, four—
“Six.” Devin snaps his fingers and I look up.
“Huh?”
“It’s a six-pack,” he says, laughing. I don’t feel at all bad about getting caught ogling or counting his abs. His body is a chiseled mass of perfection. “Now let’s talk about this forgetting business. If you forgot already, then I obviously didn’t do a very good job.” His voice softens when he brings his mouth to my neck. Running his finger along my collarbone, he slips his hand under the sheet, pushes it down and exposes my chest.
The cool air wafts over my skin and my nipples pucker. “Maybe you should try again. Just do a better job this time … at, uh … you know … oh fuck.” I’m not sure when Devin dipped a hand between my legs, but frankly, I don’t care. He pushes a finger inside of me, twisting it around before curling it upward.
“Lie back,” he demands, his eyes hooded. Well, I certainly won’t make him beg. I drop back on the bed and he rips the sheet from my body. Pushing up on an elbow, I look down. His hand is still lodged between my legs, and he’s watching as his finger slides in and out of me.
Watching him work me to the brink is surprisingly erotic. It’s something I’m not particularly used to, so I squeeze my eyes shut before I do or say something to embarrass myself.
“Watch me, Katie.”
I don’t need to watch, soldier, I can feel it and it’s fanfuckingtastic.
I peel my eyes open anyway. His eyes are on mine, intense and swirling with desire. I always did feel pretty around Devin, but right now, the way he’s looking at me, I feel sexy.
“You like that, don’t you?” he asks. I nod, mostly because I can’t form words. My body is coiled tight and a light moan falls from my mouth. “What do you want now, Katie?”
Good God, stop talking.
“I—I don’t know.”
“You do know.”
“Don’t stop,” I pant, fighting the heaviness of my eyelids. I want nothing more than to toss my head back and let myself go, but now that I’ve started, I can’t stop watching.
“Wasn’t plannin’ on it. Now tell me what you want.”
“Touch yourself,” I blurt, feeling heat infuse my cheeks when I realize exactly what it was I just asked him to do.
“You want me to touch myself?”
I nod, watching with rapt attention as he grips himself with his free hand and slides it slowly up and down his shaft. “Does this turn you on, Katie?” he asks, picking up speed with both hands.
“Yes. God yes. It’s …” My words trail off when my legs start to tremble. I won’t be able to hold on much longer. Everything around me goes dark and I finally give in. Squeezing my eyes shut, I toss my head back.
Devin yanks his hand from my legs, but before I even have time to react, I’m being flipped over. My nipples push against the sheet when Devin rocks into me, and I arch backward as the sensation sends sparks of pleasure straight to my toes.
“I love being inside of you,” he whispers before brushing my hair out of the way and kissing the back of my neck. “You feel so fucking good, it hurts. This is perfection. You’re perfection.”
His words push me over the edge, and I cry out as my orgasm slams into me with much more force than I’m used to. My toes curl, my skin igniting with intense heat as my hips rock in tandem with his. “Fuck, that’s hot,” he growls. Devin grips my hair, circles it around his wrist and tugs lightly, drawing my head back. It’s soft and sweet, completely contradictory to the way he’s slamming into me. When his lips find my neck, he bites down lightly on the skin below my ear and I whimper. His body goes rigid above mine and his grip tightens on my hair as he pushes into me several more times.
I feel a rush of moisture and Devin groans, a string of unintelligible words falling from his mouth. There are no words to describe what he just did to me. It’s never been like that … not even last night. My body goes limp and the feel of his weight on my back is comforting. Slowly, he pulls out of me and I’m instantly left with a feeling of emptiness—a feeling I’m suddenly not too fond of.
“Shit,” Devin hisses, dropping his head to my shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Katie.”
“For what?” I ask, having absolutely no idea what he could be apologizing for after what we just did.
“I wasn’t thinking,” he says, his voice low. “I didn’t … we didn’t use protection, last night or tonight.”
Oh, that. Good thing I’ve got it covered. “I’m on birth control. I take it regularly and I haven’t been on antibiotics, so we’re good to go.”
“Okay,” he says, blowing out a quick breath. “Had me worried there for a second. Not that I wouldn’t want to … you know, have babies with you and everything … but—”
“Just stop.” I laugh, loving the way he instantly clammed up at the mere thought of me getting pregnant. Typical man. “We’re good. It’s all good.” He kisses the back of my neck.
Devin slides to the left of me, wraps an arm around my back and nuzzles his face close to mine. He kisses my nose and then my mouth, and when I finally gather enough strength to open my eyes, his are closed.
Peaceful. That’s the best way to describe the look on his face. He looks content and peaceful, and I have a feeling that he doesn’t experience those feelings very often. His lips part, his warm breath fanning across my face. Reaching up, I run my thumb along his lip, followed by his cheekbone. I’m trying to memorize everything about him that I possibly can, because I know that soon I’ll have to let him go. And after being with him again, I’m not sure how well I’ll handle that.
Between his letters and the phone conversations we’ve had, I got the sense that he still owned a large part of my heart, but being wrapped in his arms, the familiarity of his body against mine, I realize now that was stupid. He owns all of it. He always has and he always will.
“I love you,” I whisper, not sure if he’s even awake to hear me.
“I love you more.” His eyes open. They’re glossy, and the way he’s looking at me speaks volumes, but those three words coming from his mouth pull tears from my eyes. He was gone … for ten long years I had to live without him, and my feelings didn’t wane one bit. Sure, I was angry and pushed the love aside, but it was too strong for me to fight. All my heart needed was to be near him again to remember that it beats for him.
Wyatt never stood a chance … no man would’ve ever stood a chance. Because there is only person in this world for me, and that’s Devin Ulysses Clay.
“Say it again,” he says, threading his fingers into my hair.
“I love you.” My lips land on his for a soft kiss. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
His face scrunches up as though my words physically hurt him, and I pull back. But before I can ask what’s wrong, he says, “I’m so sorry, Katie. For everything.”
“Shhhh.” I press my finger against his mouth, but he easily shakes me off.
“I need to get this out. Please, just let me get this out.” I understand he has things he wants to say, but I’m just not sure I want to hear them anymore. He said he was sorry and I believe him. That should be enough, right?
But the determination I see on his face tells me this is a fight I won’t win. “Okay,” I whisper, cupping my hand around his neck, drawing his mouth to mine. “I want to say something first though.” He nods, but his face is still drawn tight as though the words he needs to say are weighing heavily on his shoulders. “It doesn’t matter what you say. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter why you left. What matters is that you’re here now, and when you tell me you’re sorry, I know you’re telling the truth because I can see it in your eyes.” I kiss him once, tw
ice and then a third time before pulling back.
“You’re perfect, you know that?”
“No, I’m not.” I sigh. “But I sure do like hearing it. In fact, feel free to tell me that every single day for the rest of my life.”
His eyes widen at my off-handed mention of the future, but he doesn’t miss a beat. “Are you talking forever, Katie?”
“Forever isn’t enough,” I whisper, draping my arm over his back. The breath rushes from his lungs and I smile to myself.
“I don’t deserve you.” That’s bullshit. I open my mouth to tell him that, but he pushes his finger against my mouth, the same way I did a few moments ago. “Listen. I just need you to listen, okay?”
I nod, his finger still pressed to my lips.
“Good girl.” Devin lets his hand fall, but it doesn’t travel far. He props himself up on an elbow, his other hand resting firmly on my hip. “You were my world growing up. I lived in a house, but I never had a home … you were my home, Katie.” Tears spring to my eyes, and when one slides down my face, he gently wipes it away.
“I knew I wasn’t good enough for you, but I was selfish so I had every intention of keeping you anyway.” Devin’s eyes dart to the side as though he’s contemplating his next words. When they find me again, I can see the uncertainty. Whatever it is he’s about to say may very well impact me more than I think. “Until I talked to your dad.”
“My dad?” My brows furrow and I push up, mimicking his position. “What does my dad have to do with it?”
“Remember that last night?” I give him the patented are-you-kidding-me look and his eyes soften. “Sorry, of course you do. Anyway, I watched you walk into the house, and I was getting ready to pull away when your dad walked up.”
He did? How did I not know this? “I didn’t know he was even outside that night.”
“Trust me,” he says. “I didn’t either. He scared the hell out of me.”
“What did he say?” I ask. My nerves are already kicking in, adrenaline flowing in waves through my veins, because I have absolutely no idea what my dad could’ve had to do with Devin leaving me without a trace. Daddy knew how much Devin meant to me; he would have never done something to jeopardize what we had.
Would he?
Devin’s head drops. “He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. But the way he presented it—”
“What? What did he say?”
“He wanted the best for you, Katie. He wanted you to have a husband that could provide you with the kind of life you deserve, and he and I both knew I wasn’t that guy. Wyatt was that guy for you, and your dad thought the same thing.” I cringe at his words, but he continues. “I knew that if I saw you again, that if I talked to you about it, you’d tell me it was all a bunch of shit.”
“Because it is all a bunch of shit.”
“I know,” he breathes, dragging his eyes back to mine. “Trust me, I know. It’s my biggest regret in life. It’s the one thing I would give anything to go back and change, but you have to understand where I was coming from. I was living a shitty life with an even shittier mother, and I was being forced to move a thousand miles away. There was no way I was going to be able to afford to go to college, let alone get a decent job, and I didn’t want to hold you back. I wanted you to have the gorgeous house with the white picket fence and two point four kids.”
“But I only wanted you.”
“I know.” He takes a deep breath. “I know that now. But at the time, my head wasn’t in a good spot, and I knew that the only way to give you a clean break was to leave and not come back. And trust me, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
Devin’s chin quivers, the movement so slight I almost miss it. I have no doubt that he feels awful for leaving me the way that he did. “You broke my heart.”
“I know. I broke my heart too. I thought about you every fucking second of every fucking day, and if Mom had had a phone, I probably would’ve called and begged for forgiveness the first chance I got. But she didn’t. Hell, I couldn’t even afford to call you from a payphone. Things were rough there for a while, and honestly, I’m glad you didn’t have to see it. It’s a good thing you weren’t there, because I would’ve leaned on you way too much.”
“I want you to lean on me, Dev. I want to be that person, the one you turn to when you need something—anything. I want to be your best friend and your confidant and everything else.”
“You are.” Sitting up, Devin pulls me into his arms. His grip on me is tight, and his chest is heaving as though he just ran a marathon. “Trust me, you are, and I never forgot that. I made a terrible mistake walking away from you, and I swear that I’ll never leave you again. I know you said it before, but I need to hear you say it now. Do you forgive me, Katie?”
“Yes.” With that one little word, I feel his body relax against mine. He needed to hear that much more than I realized. “I forgive you.” It’s easy to say because it’s true, but there is still one little thing nagging at the back of my head. “I can’t believe Daddy made you feel that way,” I say, shaking my head in disbelief.
“Don’t. Don’t be mad at your dad. He only wanted what was best for his little girl, and I don’t blame him. I was a hotheaded teenager, and it didn’t matter how he said it, his words only meant one thing to me.”
“Say it,” I dare, pulling back, “and I will kick your ass.”
“I love you,” he says, laughing, the dimple in the side of his cheek popping out. I’ve missed that damn dimple. Leaning forward, I press a kiss to it.
“I love you, too.” Nuzzling against his chest, Devin pulls me in close before settling us on the pillows. We lie like this for several minutes, both enjoying the quiet, but my mind can’t help but wander. If he would have told me what happened with my dad a long time ago, I probably would’ve been pissed, because he should have known better than to think any of that. But I’m older now, and the situation he was in at the time is easier to understand as an adult than it was as a starry-eyed teenager.
Plus, as much as I hate to admit it, our time apart probably wasn’t such a bad thing. Who knows what would’ve happened if we had tried to make it work from nearly a thousand miles away? I just wish that Wyatt wouldn’t have gotten hurt in the process. And as much as I don’t want to, I know the topic needs to be discussed.
“Since we’re talking and opening up, is now a good time to talk about Wyatt?”
Devin rolls us over until his body is hovering over mine. “I think we’ve talked enough for today, don’t you?” I shake my head. “Plus, we need to get to the funeral home and make sure everything is ready for tomorrow.”
I’ve been so wrapped up in reconnecting with Devin that I totally forgot about why we’re even together right now in the first place. “I’m sorry.” I look down, but two warm fingers find my chin, lifting my face back up. “I’ve been so selfish—”
“No.” That one word is spoken with an immense amount of conviction. “You haven’t been selfish. You’ve been selfless. You took off work, rearranged your schedule and flew all the way here just to be with me, and I can’t tell you how much I love you for that. And I do want to know what happened after I left, as much as it may kill me.” The last part was mumbled, and I can’t help but giggle at the disgusted look on his face. “But can we wait until after the funeral?”
“Absolutely.”
“I just want to get past this. And I want to enjoy having you all to myself for a little bit longer before we talk about anything else.”
“That sounds like a plan. Now,” I say, planting my hands firmly against his chest, “we should get up and get ready so we can go finalize plans for the funeral tomorrow and order some flowers.” He doesn’t budge when I push him, so I wriggle out from under his rock-hard body. I make it to the side of the bed when I feel a strong hand around my ankle, yanking me back.
“We don’t have to be there for another hour.”
My eyes widen. “Yes, but I have to get ready.�
�
“I’ll be quick.”
I giggle when his hands attack my body, but my laughing quickly turns to a whimper when his mouth joins in on the assault.
“Body In A Box”—City & Colour
THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH rows of chairs, each of them empty except the two Katie and I take up in the front row and one occupied by a great-aunt I’d never met before, who is seated two chairs down from us. Ida is nearly ninety and not a hundred percent with it, but she told us she’d promised my grandmother long ago that if anything were to ever happen to my mother, she’d take care of everything—and so here she is. But she didn’t want to give the eulogy, and Lord knows I wasn’t doing it. So here we are, listening to the funeral director do his best to say nice things about my mother as if he’s known her for years.
It’s likely he never even knew my mother beyond what my great-aunt shared with him when she planned the funeral. This is small-town Pennsylvania and most everybody knows everyone else’s business, but it seems my mother became quite the recluse after I left, even more so than when I saw her last.
Katie and I stopped by Mom’s house this morning to sift through a few things, and her neighbor, Shelly, stopped by. Apparently, she was Mom’s only friend, although I would bet she was more of an acquaintance and was only trying to be nice. She told us that Mom quit her job at Kroger’s a few years back and has been surviving off social security disability payments. According to Shelly, it was about that same time when Mom began closing herself off, slowly becoming a hermit.
Shelly said she would check on Mom as often as she could, mostly to make sure that she had food and was keeping up on her bills, but other times to give her some social interaction. It hurt to know that this woman was the only person my mother spoke to for months at a time. She also mentioned that over the last two years or so, Mom had become paranoid and delusional, often claiming people were after her.
Shelly was sweet, cringing at her own words as if it made her sick to be the one to have to tell me all this, but I made her continue. I had to know what my mother’s last days were like. She went on to tell me that oftentimes she’d find my Mom lying in a pile of empty liquor bottles, and that a few times she actually had to check to make sure she was alive. Sounds like Josephine, alright.
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