Lifting up on my elbow, I stretch my neck, peppering kisses across his jaw. “I love you so much. I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone. Please wake up, baby,” I cry. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise. As long as you’re here, I’m here. As long as you’re fighting, I’m fighting. I’ll fight with you and for you. I’ll be your rock, and I’ll love you and talk to you and bring you back from the darkness, just like you brought me back.” Tilting my head a bit further, I touch my lips to his, hating how dry they feel—how cold they feel.
“I want to marry you,” I whisper against his mouth. “Marry me, Devin. Wake up, heal, and then marry me. Let me love you and take care of you and show you what a real family is like. And let’s have babies, okay?” My voice breaks on a sob and I pull back, wiping the wetness from my face. “Lots and lots of babies. I want sweet little boys with your big green eyes and thick dark lashes. Our little girl will have your dark hair and your smile.” I close my eyes, picturing it in my head. I don’t know why, but I have a feeling it’s a girl. “And your laugh,” I whisper, the thought causing a hint of a smile to tug at my mouth. “She’ll have your laugh. And she’s going to love you and worship you, and I know that you’re going to be the best daddy in the world.”
“Katie.”
The deep, gravelly voice startles me and my eyes pop open, instantly landing on the figure standing in the doorway. I blow out a slow breath at the sight of him.
Full lips drawn tight, red-rimmed eyes filling with tears, his face is packed full of emotion. I know that, right now, he needs me just as much as I need him.
“Navas.” Sliding off the bed, I move toward him. He meets me halfway and I walk straight into his waiting arms. “Hi,” I whisper, burying my face in his shirt. He doesn’t respond, but his hold on me tightens. His broad shoulders bounce when a cry rumbles from deep in his lungs. Linking my arms around his neck, I give him what he needs … someone to hold on to, someone to give him hope. We stand there for a long time, but I don’t let go, not until he pulls away.
“Sorry,” he mumbles, taking a step back. “That probably wasn’t the best way to introduce myself.”
“Well, you’ve seen me naked …” I shrug and give him a what-can-you-do look. A choked laugh falls from Navas’s mouth and then he shakes his head, running a hand down his face.
“Devin about fucking killed me for that. Sorry, by the way,” he says, averting his eyes. A crimson flush creeps up his neck, and I get a feeling that there isn’t much that’ll make this man blush.
“You’re forgiven.” Slipping my hand in his, I lead him toward the bed. “Now, will you please fill me in on what’s going on? The doctor won’t be in until the morning and I’m so fucking lost.” My nose burns with impending tears and I squeeze my eyes shut, listening as Navas starts to talk. I’m not sure if I take it all in, but I certainly hear the important parts.
“There was an explosion … damage to his legs … brain injury … needs a bilateral below-the-knee amputation …” I don’t hear a thing after that.
Reaching out, I yank up the blanket that’s covering Devin. His legs are wrapped up, but they’re there. Oh, thank God, I think to myself. I must’ve heard him wrong. “What was that about an amputation?” I ask, trying to clear the cobwebs. I’m still running on pure adrenaline and probably seconds away from dropping flat on my face.
“He’s going in tomorrow morning for surgery. They can’t save his legs, Katie. Trust me, they’ve tried. But right now, Devin’s only chance of survival is to have them removed.” Navas’s words are slow and precise, as though he knows I’m on the verge of losing it.
“I can’t believe this,” I say, dropping to a chair next to the bed. I look down at where Devin’s legs are tucked under the covers, and then my eyes lift to Navas.
“He’ll get through it,” he says, conviction ringing loud in his words. “Devin is a stubborn son of a bitch, and he loves you more than life itself. Trust me, he will be okay. And we’ll get each other through this so that we can strong for him, okay?” I nod feebly and Navas grips my hand in his. We watch Devin for several minutes, neither one of saying a word and one thing weighing heavily on my mind … one thing I’m desperate to tell someone.
“I’m pregnant!” I blurt.
Navas’s eyes widen, his jaw falling slack and his gaze dropping to my stomach. “You’re … pregnant?” he asks, looking at me.
My heart is lodged in the center of my throat and I can’t seem to form words, so I simply nod. The thought of not getting to share this with Devin is too much and my emotions erupt. “I need him, Navas. I can’t do this by myself … I don’t want to do this by myself.”
“Stop,” he says, cupping my face in his hand. “You need to tell Devin. The first chance you get, you need to tell him. This will give him something to fight for, something to hold on to. But you can’t talk like that again. It isn’t good for you, and it isn’t good for the baby.”
I nod again, wiping the tears from my face.
“But I want you to know that you will never do this alone. Got it? Because no matter what happens, you have me, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, choking on my words.
“Don’t thank me,” he says, his eyes softening. “He’s my brother, and that’s what brothers do.”
“Awake and Alive”—Skillet
THE FAINT SOUND OF CRYING penetrates my head. There are muffled voices around me—a man and woman—but I can’t tell what they’re saying. I want to ask, but my mouth is dry. Too dry. I fight to open my eyes, but the damn things won’t budge. Neither will my arms … or my legs.
Then another voice, this one not familiar, breaks through the air. Where am I? I try to scream. Nothing. Why can’t I move? Why do my legs burn?
“He’s moving!” The voice is low—muffled—but I can still make it out. It’s Navas, and for a moment I wonder if I’m dreaming. I try to reach out to him, but again, nothing happens.
“Devin … Devin … Come back to us, baby.” Katie? Katie is here? This doesn’t feel like a dream. It’s so very real. I try and reach out to her. Nothing. “Devin, please wake up,” she cries.
A warm hand softly strokes my cheek. I’d know that touch anywhere. The sensations are dull, but I know it’s her. I can smell her perfume. This isn’t a dream. It’s real. It has to be. But where am I?
“Devin, stop being a little bitch and open your eyes. Your girl misses you, dude. Why do you always have to be playin’ games?” Navas heckles. A fist lightly hits my shoulder. Son of a bitch that hurt!
One last time I will my eyes to open, using every ounce of strength I can muster. Light breaches the miniscule crack between my eyelids, and it’s so bright it feels like I’m staring into the sun. Instinctually, I lift an arm to shield my eyes and feel the back of my hand smack hard against my forehead. Fuck, I feel that, too.
There’s commotion in the room. Navas and Katie are encouraging me, asking me to move again, to open my eyes. I try and move my arm and again feel it slap down hard, this time to my side. I give it one last go and my eyelids fly open, the sharp, fluorescent rays now completely blinding me.
I snap them shut and then the light behind my lids dims. I sense that the fluorescent lights were switched off, allowing me to ease my eyes open again. This time I notice that the lamp has been turned on. “Is that better, brother?” Navas asks.
I nod my head stiffly toward Navas and Katie’s distorted figures, the blur brought on by the change of brightness. Katie moves in close to me, close enough that I can make out her beautiful face, and she takes me gently into her arms, kissing every inch of my face. Each stamp of her lips leaves of tingling sensation that makes me feel like I’m glowing.
“Oh God, baby, I’m so happy you’re back. I knew my soldier would pull through. I just knew it!” When she backs away, I can finally make her out completely. It looks like she hasn’t slept in days and has spent the better part of that time crying, but she is still so incred
ibly beautiful. The sight of her causes my heart monitor to speed up. I try to smile for her, but the muscles in my face feel weak. I open and close my jaw several times to stretch it out.
“Welcome back, bro.” Navas smiles widely and takes my hand in his. I meet his eyes and squeeze his hand back. I want to say, Dude, why the fuck are you holding my hand, but all I manage to get out is “thanks” before I break into a coughing fit.
“Don’t talk,” Katie says, disappearing from my sight. “They just took out your breathing tube, and they said your mouth would be dry and your throat sore. Let me grab you some ice chips.” The faint sound of rustling catches my attention, but when I try to turn my head toward the noise, pain lances through my temples. Fuck.
Her face pops in front of mine. “Open up.” I do as I’m told because Nurse Katie is fucking hot as hell. My lips part and she drops in a couple of chips, which instantly dissolve. She gives me a few more, and after I swallow a couple of times, I feel like I can actually talk.
“Where am I?” I ask, the words weakly falling from my lips, the chill of the ice chips against my throat numbing the pain.
“Walter Reed in DC, bro,” Navas says.
“How long have I been here?”
“Three days. You got hit a week ago though.”
Got hit? I scan my brain for what he could be talking about, but come up empty. The last thing I remember is loading up for mission to search for—
“Sergeant Adams,” I blurt as soon as the thought hits my brain, “what about Sergeant Adams?” Navas looks at Katie and then to the ground, then to me again. He opens his mouth to say something but stops himself. When he shakes his head slowly from side to side, I close my eyes and let the information sink in. “What happened to me?”
“You got hit by an RPG. Got you pretty bad.” I open my eyes back up, and I can see Navas’s eyes have left mine again and are back on the ground. He breathes out, long and slow.
I feel the heat. I smell the burnt skin. I taste the soot.
“What happened to me?” I repeat, gritting my teeth, needing to know the true state that I’m in.
Navas looks at Katie, but she just shakes her head, covering her mouth with a trembling hand as tears well up in her eyes. My body trembles, panic gripping at my throat. “Somebody needs to tell me what the fuck is going on.”
Navas looks down to my legs and my eyes follow his gaze. If it’s possible, my heart fucking stops. Adrenaline, fear, confusion … they’re all pumping rapidly through my body.
Where there should be feet, there aren’t. Almost instantly, the events play through my head like a frenetic, fucked-up slide show.
The patrol … door-to-door raids … getting called back … taking fire … My vision goes black and I squeeze my eyes shut. There’s something else, but I can’t see it. What is it? What else happened?
Katie rushes to my side, climbs into bed with me and wipes the tears from my face before wrapping me in her arms. It calms me a bit, but I need more answers.
“What are you doing back?” I ask Navas, trying to trigger the missing memory.
“I took some shrapnel from the bomb. Got me pretty good in the head. Nothing major, but they sent me here with you for some testing and to remove the shrapnel.” As he says this, I notice for the first time that he’s wearing a hospital gown. “Everything’s good though, man. They’re gonna keep me here for a few more days and then release me.”
“What about Elkins and Thomas?” I ask. Navas looks confused, and then all at once his face goes pale.
“Elkins is still in Baghdad. He’ll come back with the unit in a week or so. Thomas …” His words trail off and my heart kicks into high gear.
“What about Thomas?” I ask, feeling my voice start to turn on me, the knot in my throat getting rapidly tighter. He doesn’t respond, nor does he look at me, and for some reason Katie has tightened her grip on me. She lets a few tears run down her face, which she does her best to hide from me. “Please, Navas!”
“Thomas …” Navas breathes out and wipes a tear from his eyes. “Thomas is dead.” His eyes find mine. “He was shot, Clay. You got hurt trying to recover his … his body.” Navas points toward the bedside table and I slowly turn my head. A Silver Star sits beside a Purple Heart and Combat Infantryman Badge atop the nightstand. “They gave you that,” he says.
His words make my blood run cold. Nothing. They mean nothing.
My eyes are on the awards, but my mind isn’t. That horrible day finally comes into focus and I can see Thomas on the ground, helpless and reaching for me. Tears push the confines of my eyes before rolling down my flushed cheeks. A sharp pain stabs straight through my chest, and the pressure sends shockwaves through my body and up into my skull. I’m dizzy and beginning to feel lightheaded. My eyes flutter, and for a moment, I feel sick to my stomach.
“Clay, you good, man?” There’s concern in Navas’s voice. I feel Katie lift her head, and she does her best to wipe my face dry. My eyes drift shut and then bob heavily before opening back up.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
“Baby, are you okay?” Katie asks. Through my cloudy vision, I see a doctor approach. Katie gets off the bed, and then, in a flurry of activity, a nurse rushes in the room and starts checking my vitals. I close my eyes at the feel of her ice-cold hand against my forehead.
I listen as the doctor rattles off some orders before saying something to me. “Sergeant Clay, my name is Dr. Vincent. I’m one of the physicians that have been taking care of you. Can you tell me what you’re feeling right now?”
I blink my eyes several times and watch as he slowly comes into focus. “Woozy … lightheaded … sick,” I say. It’s the only thing I can come up with. A chill races through my body.
The steady beep emanating throughout the room gets louder and louder. The doctor eyes the monitor and then quickly makes his way toward the door. “I’ll be right back.” Concern is thick in his voice, and I can tell Katie picks up on it. The tears return and she comes in close again, kissing me on my forehead and then my lips. I try and kiss back, but I can’t.
Why can’t I kiss her?
“Please, please, please, baby, fight for me,” she cries out, nuzzling her face into my neck. Why is she asking me to fight for her? What’s going on?
I’m so very cold, and the feeling in my limbs is coming and going. My eyes close and won’t open again. I break out in a cold sweat. I can hear both Navas and Katie crying. Navas can’t cry… he never cries. Why the fuck is he crying?
“Tell him, Katie, maybe it’ll help. Please tell him,” Navas begs. Tell me what?
There’s silence for a moment and the wait is unbearable. The nurse is still flitting around the room and hands are ripping at my gown. What the fuck is going on?
I watch as one of the nurses nudges Katie away from the bed, but Katie nudges her way back in. “Tell me,” I somehow manage to say, using every ounce of energy I have left.
The nurse pulls at Katie’s arm again. “Ma’am, I need you step out of the way.”
“BP is 88/50. Pulse 133,” another voice calls out. Who the fuck is that?
“Give me a second,” Katie growls before cradling my face in her hands. Her eyes are puffy and she has make-up running down her cheeks, but she’s never looked so beautiful. She’s my angel.
Katie brings her mouth to my ear and whispers, “You’re going to be a daddy, Devin.”
I repeat her words over and over in my head. A father … I’m going to be a father. I’m filled with so much joy that I feel like I’m floating.
“I’m gonna be a daddy,” I say, my voice raw and scratchy. Blindly, I grab for Katie and she wraps her hand around mine.
“Yes, baby, you’re—” Her words cut off when a sob rips from her throat. She kisses my cheek and then my lips, and then she’s gone.
What happened? Where did she go?
I try to reach out again, but this time nothing happens. My eyes are burning and I can feel tears rolling down my che
eks. The thought of having a baby with Katie makes me want to smile, only when I try, my lips merely twitch.
Images flash behind my lids … Katie and I with a beautiful little girl … laughing, holding hands … kissing boo-boos …
I can see every day of the rest of my life with my perfect little family, living the life that was scripted for us by God, set in motion by Him long before we existed. And then darkness slowly creeps in. Pitch black nothing.
The unbroken buzz of a heart monitor filters through the air at the same time my body goes completely numb. My limbs become heavy before going weightless, and unless I’m dreaming, I have my legs back.
A bright white light appears out of nowhere. This light doesn’t hurt my eyes, and there’s something about it that makes me want to take it all in. I close my eyes, and when I reopen them, I see arms wide open and waiting.
“Get off me!” I scream as one of the nurses applies conducting gel to Devin’s chest. Someone has me wrapped in their arms, and when I struggle to break free, their grip tightens.
“Calm the fuck down, Katie,” Navas growls, his mouth close to my ear. He drags me toward the door, and I do the only thing I can think of to get back to Devin. Raising my leg, I slam my foot down on the top of his as hard as I can. He grunts, his body bending forward in the process, and I use his weakness against him. When he loosens his arms, I slam my elbow into his stomach.
“Son of a bitch,” he hisses, releasing his hold on me. I run straight to Devin’s bed, but I can’t get close because there are nurses surrounding him. One of them yells, “Get. Her. Out.”
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