by Mila Summers
Abigail came up to me with a mix of consternation and concern, while I fought the urge to just clear out immediately.
"My child, what are you going to do?"
Obviously, her concern for me came first. For the moment there wouldn't be any agonizing questions about the agreement between Mitch and me. As Abigail gently embraced me, I saw some shadows in the door frame.
I remained silent and held still as long as she held me in her arms. The last thing I wanted now was an endless conversation about things that were over now and that I wanted to leave behind me.
Of course, I hadn't counted on Abigail. She pulled me into the house without a word to Mitch. As we stepped into the house, I recognized who was lying there in wait.
Emily stood next to James, both openly scrutinizing me. But they held back any comments and I was unspeakably grateful for that.
Now in Martha's realm, Abigail made me a hot chocolate and topped it with a handful of small white marshmallows, just as my mom had always done. As she handed me the cup I spoke for the first time since I had entered the house.
"Thanks," was all I managed to say.
I grasped the hot cup firmly with my hands, stoically gazing at it, and mechanically blowing on the rising steam. She would start with the lecture any time. I was sure of that.
"How are you?"
"As good as can be expected under the circumstances," I answered softly without averting my gaze from the cup.
"What are you going to do now?"
"Pack my things and get out of here," I answered honestly.
"That is out of the question. Tonight you will stay here. By no means will I allow you to wander through Chicago in the middle of the night."
"But...," I tried to make known my opposition.
"Nothing doing. You're staying here. Perhaps things will look entirely different tomorrow. Give us just one night. Tomorrow you can decide for yourself if you'd like to go or stay."
So I didn't seem impolite, I decided to give in for the moment and nodded in agreement at Abigail's suggestion. I didn't want to debate endlessly, I just wanted to crawl into my bed and block out everything that had happened this evening.
After I quietly drank my hot chocolate, which had cooled off in the meantime. After I fished all the marshmallows out of the cup, I lifted my eyes and looked into Abigail's worried face.
"Surely he didn't mean it that way," she unexpectedly offered an attempt at reconciling with Mitch.
"Abigail, I don't want to talk about it."
"I understand, of course. Please excuse me for meddling in your affairs."
"I would like to go to bed now."
Looking at the clock which hung over the door, I saw that it was already after 3 am. The running around was taking its toll. My feet were crying out for rest and some attention.
"Of course," was her reply as I put my cup on the counter and headed for the door.
Saying "good night, Abigail," I left the room and heard her wish me a good night's sleep.
Totally exhausted, I landed in the featherbed. I spent a restless night filled with nightmares. A spinning wheel had a key role. When I had stuck myself with the spindle, the pain startled me suddenly. I woke up bathed in sweat.
Chapter 11
I woke the next morning - what now? - with a horrific headache. As I rummaged around in my bag for an aspirin, I recalled the events which had happened.
Why did that wonderful day have to end so badly? What kind of god-dammed curse lay on me, not allowing me to be happy even one time? Why wasn't Mitch able to control himself? Why did he have to boil over while 150 friends and relatives were standing around watching?
My head was spinning with all these questions. I didn't want to think about it any more. The thing that Mitch and I had was over before it could really begin. I would cope with this episode in my life as I had with all the others.
My deadened senses came to life again under the cold shower. Refreshed, I began to pack my few belongings together and stowed them in the small suitcase.
Finally, the only things remaining were my bridesmaid's dress and the lavender cocktail dress in the closet. I stroked the delicate material for the last time. Mitch had liked it. More than that. He had gazed at me the whole evening with desire, which was surely partly due to the dress.
I closed the closet doors, leaving the two dresses inside. It wasn't possible to take them with me. The memories would be too painful to ignore.
I went to the window one last time and looked out at Abigail's garden. Looked at the tree where Mitch and I had kissed for the first time. Two days ago, my world had been in order and now it lay in ruins on the floor.
What was I supposed to do now? Where should I go? Back to Aunt Anne or try knocking on doors in Chicago? If I wanted to stay in the city, I had to find accommodations, which would be difficult without any money.
I rummaged around in my bag for my phone and taking the bull by the horns, gave Lindsey a call.
"Hello?" she sleepily answered. I couldn't blame her. It was just 8 o'clock in the morning on a Sunday. Of course I would have woken her. Hopefully I wouldn't diminish my chances at a bed in her house because of these circumstances.
I nervously bit my lip. How should I present my request? Blurt it straight out or ask first how she was doing? Damn. Why had I just reached for the phone instead of thinking out a logical plan first? Sometimes I hated myself for my spontaneity.
"Hello? Who is it?" I heard Lindsey ask.
"Hey Lindsey, this is Stacy. Did I wake you?" I asked, although I knew the answer. Of course I had woken her. What kind of question was that? I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand and closed my eyes in agony.
"Hey Stacy, nice to hear from you. And to answer your question, I wasn't awake yet," she confirmed my suspicions.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you but I'm in an awkward position. I'm more or less stranded in Chicago and could use a place to stay for a few days."
"Oh, and that's why you thought of me. I haven't heard from you for a pretty long time. But no hard feelings. I'm not resentful."
"Does that mean you would have a room for me?" I asked straightforwardly.
"Yes, for some amount of time," she answered.
"Great. Perfect. Can I come right now?" I urged.
"Fine with me. We're at home. Come on over."
"Thanks a million, Lindsey. I'm never going to forget this."
"That's ok. You would have done the same for me. I'm looking forward to seeing you. See you soon."
"See you soon."
I hadn't planned on this. This was much easier than I had expected. Now the only thing was to get away from here as quickly as possible. Maybe I would get lucky and the rest of the house would still be sleeping.
I quietly crept out of my room. I left the creaky door open a crack. With my suitcase in one hand and my bag in the other, I made my way to the staircase.
I descended step by step and tried not to think about that first meeting with Abigail, who had so warmly welcomed me into her home. I stopped briefly on the landing and looked down into the large foyer.
Did I dare take a short detour into the library? That was my private retreat where I felt safe in this house. I had spent pleasant hours there, surrounded by my friends bound in velvet and leather.
I left my things in the hall and opened the door. I was not prepared for the sight that met me there. Mitch sat on the upholstered window seat. His torso leaned against the wall, while his head hung low. Beside him on the floor lay an empty whisky bottle.
What on earth had he done? Was he ok? Shouldn't I quickly check to be sure? His body was oddly twisted and it threatened to slip and fall at any moment.
I approached him slowly. My heart was in my mouth. What was I even doing here? I should take my belongings and clear out right away. Nobody in the house had noticed me yet and I could leave undisturbed.
In spite of my doubts, I went nearer to him. He was still wearing his clothing fr
om the previous day. The top two buttons of his shirt were opened and gave me an excellent view of his muscular chest.
His hair stood out in all directions, which made him all the more attractive to me.
Stacy, control yourself! my inner voice admonished.
Oh, and how right that voice was. Why didn't I just quietly go in secret? What in the world drove me to enter this room one more time?
I threw my doubts overboard and walked closer to the very man whom I wanted to delete from my life. However, I remembered with each step I took how much he had become a part of my life.
Without warning, Mitch opened his eyes and looked at me, questioning.
"Stacy? What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to say goodbye to the books," I answered with a start. I had not expected that he would awaken. He had seemed to be so deep in sleep that I hadn't thought about what I would do if he woke up.
"Do you mean that you were going to leave without telling me goodbye?" He opened his eyes wide and looked at me closely.
"What did you expect? That I would throw myself at you, wish you a nice life, and happily waltz out the front door?"
"No, but... "
"But what? I want to tell you something. Even if Samantha hadn't turned up yesterday, you would still have to schlepp around the heavy baggage from your past. Who can say if you would have gotten over it and we could have been happy together? Maybe it was a stroke of fate that she turned up yesterday. Maybe we should even be thankful she did."
Mitch pitched himself out of his sleeping position, purposefully stepped towards me, and grasped my shoulders firmly with his hands.
"Stacy, I feel something for you. Doesn't that mean anything at all? How can you be so pessimistic about our future? Samantha is not the Oracle of Delphi. On the contrary, she usually acts to her own advantage. There must be a good reason she turned up so unexpectedly at the wedding yesterday. I don't know why she did, yet, but I'll find out."
"What is there to figure out? She's pregnant by you, Mitch, and now she's hoping for a reconciliation. That must be obvious."
"Then she'll be waiting for a long time. Until hell freezes over."
"How long? Until you're holding your child in your arms for the first time and you realize you can't live without the little parasite one more day? Or maybe even earlier, when you see the first ultrasound? You can look at it any way you like, you are eternally bound to this woman, whether you like it or not."
"I refuse to believe that and I'll do anything so that we can both be happy. Can't you just risk it and forgive me? I swear I will stand by your side from now on. Please, Stacy."
"Mitch, I've made my decision. Believe me, it's better this way. It's time for me to be going. You'll get over me, no question about it. I wish you all the happiness in the world and above all, a healthy baby."
"Is that the last thing you have to say? You're going to leave me without giving us both a fair chance?"
"Don't make it any harder than it is already. I'm trying to see this whole thing objectively. Under the circumstances, we simply can't have a future together. You see, we met at the wrong time."
"You're making a serious mistake, Stacy, and I'm not willing to just let it happen."
With that, he abruptly let me go and ran to the door but before he left the room, he threw a bundle of dollar bills on the floor.
"Here, it's your well-deserved reward."
Then he roughly ripped the door open and rushed off without another word.
I stared spellbound at the spot where he had just been standing. How could he think I would take his money? He couldn't really believe I would. I wouldn't take a single penny from him.
Slowly, the tears started down my cheeks as I became conscious that I had sold myself for money. Not my body, no, but my heart and my soul.
Chapter 12
Lindsey's apartment was on the outskirts of Chicago. Since I had moved in with her three weeks ago, a lot had happened. The museum director at the Chicago History Museum actually remembered me and offered me a position as an intern.
Of course, I wasn't earning a lot, but it was a beginning and who knew what would come out of it. Out of my first paycheck, I sent Aunt Anne a bouquet of flowers and I would have liked to give Lindsey something for my room. But she absolutely refused to take any money from me.
She and her husband Noah had readily taken me into their home. I enjoyed not sitting alone in a small studio apartment. To be sure, their apartment wasn't particularly big, but I had my own room and I loved sharing the news about my day with the two of them in the evening.
It prevented me from brooding about the past. As it was, my nights offered hardly any peace. Since my departure from the Havishams' house, I wasn't sleeping particularly well. Again and again, I started up in a fright after a bad dream.
The question of Mitch and Samantha still hung over my head. Were they together again? Having a child together changes everything. It was likely that in the meantime, Mitch had overcome his misgivings and allowed her another chance.
I brushed the gloomy thoughts aside. It was enough that the two already occupied my dreams. During the day I wanted to keep my head free from these troubles. Even when it cost me a lot of effort, I blanked out the past events and concentrated on my plans.
If Lindsey didn't want to take any money, then I would buy her something nice for the apartment. I puzzled over what it could be, but I hoped to find inspiration in the enormous shopping center on Michigan Avenue.
As I was leaving a shop in the mall, I collided with somebody. My newly purchased art deco glass beads, which I thought were perfect for a gift, fell to the floor.
Before I knew what was happening, countless bystanders began to pick up single beads and hand them over to me. Also, the person I had collided with made an effort to help, and eventually gave me a handful of the small unruly balls.
"Excuse me, please. I was lost in thought. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. I hope we'll find all of your beads. If not, of course I'll buy you some new ones. You know, I have an ultrasound appointment where I'll see my baby for the first time. Exciting, isn't it?" the woman's voice bubbled impatiently.
Something about her voice was familiar. I meticulously collected the last of the small beads off the floor, got up, and looked into the face of the woman who had been robbing me of my sleep for the past weeks.
Samantha unexpectedly stood before me, smiling radiantly, about to say something more. But then she suddenly stopped. Apparently she had also recognized me.
"Say, don't we know each other? Aren't you the woman Mitch used to trick his family? Wow, this is really a coincidence," she elatedly went on.
It was too late to just turn around and take off. Unfortunately, she had recognized me and didn't seem to want to let me off the hook by not saying anything more.
"I must express to you my sincere thanks that they stood by me at the wedding. Mitch and I had a few problems but in the meantime, we were able to clear them up. After all, a little miracle is waiting for us, one who needs a Mommy and Daddy. Don't you think?" she stroked her belly meaningfully and gave me a piercing stare.
"Of course. Unfortunately, I have to get off. It was nice to see you again," I lied and made ready to leave the scene of this bizarre encounter when she added,
"You stay away from my family. Do you understand?"
There was nothing left of the polite lilt of her voice, instead she had become cold and calculating. Her eyes cast lightning bolts towards me, but looking at them more closely, they seemed to be hiding something.
Was I mistaken or was there something more to see there? But could it really be what I thought it was? Was Samantha afraid? Of whom? Of me?
"Finally, here you are. I had to park in the no-parking zone outside because I couldn't find a spot. Can we go?" I heard a voice behind me. Already at the first words, I felt the inner urge to run away. Whatever happened, I couldn't turn around for anything. That much was certain.
"Mitch, look who I just accidentally ran into," Samantha's voice was once again sweet as sugar.
Too late. Running away was no longer an option. I slowly turned toward Mitch, keeping my eyes on the few beads on the floor, which I had apparently overlooked.
"Hello Mitch," I heard myself say quietly.
"Stacy?" he answered with such longing in his voice that I couldn't help but risk a glance into his blue-green eyes. I don't know what I expected, but I wasn't prepared for the grief I saw there.
"Mitch, we have to go. Dr. Pemperton isn't going to wait forever. Are you coming?" Samantha interrupted the magical moment, making a move to bring him out of the danger zone.
"I have to go as well. I mean, I also have an urgent appointment."
At that, I turned without a word, taking my leave of the expectant parents and hastily fled the shopping center.
It was no use. I desperately needed to talk to somebody. The feeling that I would burst if I couldn't get some air overcame my senses.
When I arrived home, I was happy to see that Lindsey was already back as well.
"Hey, Lindsey, how was your day?"
"Like usual. Nothing special, I'd say. How about you? You look kind of worn out, even shell-shocked. Is everything ok with you? Come on, get something to drink out of the kitchen and sit by me on the couch. There must still be some tea."
With a cup of hot tea in my hands, I sat next to Lindsey on the small green couch with the colorful floral pattern.
If I had worried about not finding the right words to express the heartache in my soul, then I had no reason for concern.
The details bubbled forth from my lips like a waterfall. When I finished Lindsey held out a handkerchief for me. Without noticing it, tears had started to run down my cheeks.
"And you've had no contact with him since you've moved in with us?" she asked me carefully.
"No," I whispered as all the images shot through my head, which I had tried to vehemently block out these last weeks.
"Are you certain that those two are together again? Don't misunderstand me, but the Mitch you've told me about would not have just taken Samantha back. Don't you think?"
