by Lily Morton
I smile weakly and Viv rubs my arms briskly and then kisses the top of my head. “He’ll be back Mabe. A man doesn’t look at a woman like that and then never see her again. Just wait him out. Yes?” I nod and she smiles. “Right we’re going to have lovely Chinese food and you and I are going to make our way through a bottle of wine and we’re not going to mention you know who. Are you joining us John?”
“Oh no I couldn’t. It’s girl time.”
“Well judging by those text messages you’re obviously a sappy shit so we’ll let you stay.”
He laughs out loud at this and I notice again that he really is very good looking with slightly curling black hair and a tanned, kind face. His ex-wife must be a fool not to want him back although I suppose he could secretly be a bastard.
True to Viv’s words we make our way through a bottle of wine and stuff ourselves with Chinese, and John, deciding that he wants to earn girly status, even goes down to the corner shop to buy chocolate for us.
Finally, I glance at the clock and it’s midnight. “Blimey, I’d better make a move,” I say. “Can you call me a taxi, Viv?”
“Are you sure you won’t stay babe?”
“No, I want my own stuff around me and you’ll be gone early in the morning anyway.”
“Okay honey, whatever you want. I’ll call a cab.”
“Don’t do that,” says John. “I’ll take you Mabes. Where does Charlie live?“ When I tell him, he nods. “That’s not far from me anyway.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Yes I do. I think I’ve impacted on your life negatively enough. Let’s try and tip the scales the other way shall we?”
I laugh, and gathering my flowers together, exchanging hugs with Viv and promising to ring her when Charlie shows up, I’m ushered into John’s car and we set off.
The journey is fairly quiet but it’s an easy quiet. He clearly isn’t one of those people who has to fill every silence and although I normally am like that a bit, tonight I’m content to sit quietly.
The click, click of his indicator pulls me out of my reverie. “Honey we’re home,” John says teasingly, and I smile before letting out a loud gasp. “What is it?” he asks, looking around.
“Charlie’s home,” I say, pointing at the sleek grey silhouette of the Porsche.
Eleven
John pulls neatly in behind Charlie’s car and when he switches the engine off we sit quietly for a moment. I chew my lip staring out. All the lights are on and I can hear the heavy beat of music from here, but something feels off. I must have transmitted my trepidation because John opens his door and gets out. Bending down he looks at me. “Come on,” he says. “I’ll walk you in.”
“Oh no, you don’t have to do that.”
“Yes I do. I want to have a word with him anyway and clear up this misunderstanding.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea tonight John.”
“Well I do. I might not get another chance to do it. I like you Mabe and I think we’re friends?” I nod. “Well then this is what friends do for each other. We help each other to get the things that’ll be good for them, and I happen to think that Charlie is the best for you.”
“I hope you’re not wrong,” I mutter, and as he stoops to pull my flowers out of his car I make my way to the house to let us in.
I motion for him to come in and my apprehension builds as I wait for him. I can hear the music clearly now. To be honest it would be hard not to, because it’s rolling through the house at top volume. It’s Florence + the Machine’s ‘Heavy In Your Arms’ and I shudder as I remember it playing while we made love. It doesn’t sound so seductive now. In fact it’s vaguely threatening because I remember Charlie describing it as music he liked to fuck to.
I give up on waiting for John as he stops to look at his phone, and make my way to the lounge where I stop outside the closed door. My heart is beating so fast that I can hear it in my ears. I really don’t want to go in there because something tells me that I won’t like what’s behind the door. However, my body isn’t listening to me and my hand reaches out to the door handle regardless. I take a deep breath and throw the door open, and then I just stand there frozen, unable to move or even to breathe. The only thing I can do is to think that this song obviously works for Charlie every time. I guess that I finally know the truth now - I wasn’t special to him at all. I can’t take my eyes off the living nightmare I’ve walked into. The room is full of cigarette smoke and the coffee table is littered with glasses, empty bottles and full ashtrays, but it’s not that which draws my eyes. Charlie is lying on the settee half naked with just a pair of unbuttoned dark jeans on, showing the start of his blond thatch of hair. He’s either asleep or passed out, and I can’t bring myself to care much either way, because the naked, blonde girl nestled next to him makes all that redundant.
She stirs as I walk in and stares at me, and I can’t see any real sign of drunkenness on her at all, although I do note that she doesn’t look surprised that a completely wild eyed, strange woman has just burst in. Then the devastation written all over my face must give her the story and she actually smirks at me and cuddles closer to Charlie. Bitch.
Her movements must wake Charlie because he stirs and moans. I’m sure I hear my name but to be quite honest I can’t bring myself to give a fuck. I feel empty and numb and rooted to this spot unable to move away from the scene that’s coming. Finally, his eyes open and even from here I can see a drunken grogginess in them. “What the fuck?” he mutters, and pushes the girl away from his body, but he sees her gaze trained on the door and his head turns slowly. When he spots me we stare at each other for what seems like ages and then he tries to jump to his feet.
“Mabes,” he says pleadingly as he stumbles, his jeans dipping lower on his narrow hips. “God Mabes, no. This isn’t what it looks like.” The girl sniggers and to be honest I don’t blame her.
“What a fucking cliché Charlie,” I say and I’m amazed at how calm and clear I sound.
“Please Mabe,” he says and holds out his hand to me. His face whitens as I step away from him with open revulsion, and for a second I think I see desolation in his eyes. “Please, please Mabe you have to listen to me,” he half shouts as I move again. “Where are you going? Don’t go please,” and he stops to pull up his jeans, fumbling as he does this in such a contrast to his normal grace.
I’m stepping away from him now and I can’t stop myself. I can’t let him touch me because then this coldness will go and all the pain will flood in. I’m as sure of this as I’ve ever been of anything. It’s at this point that John, with the worst timing known to man, walks into the lounge.
“You forgot your flowers Mabe,” he says and then stops, as one lightning glance takes in the scene with Charlie half-dressed and the naked girl still naked and now calmly lighting a cigarette for herself. “Oh shit,” he says, and a dim part of me wants to ask him whether it’s the lawyer in him that uses words so aptly. However, at this point I can see from Charlie’s face that he remembers John. I see his eyes take in the flowers in John’s hands and it’s at that moment that I see his reason snap.
“Motherfucker,” he shouts and launches himself at John, pushing him into the wall. “Have you been fucking my girl, you prick?”
John tries to push him back and I’m sure he’d normally manage it but he hasn’t got Charlie’s homicidal strength rush so he can‘t. He does however, manage to open his mouth and make everything a thousand times worse. “I’m not fucking your girl and I never have. Those text messages were meant for my ex-wife and I sent them to Mabel by mistake. But you know what, you prick? Now, she’s obviously free I’m going to be the first in there, because just look at her man. She’s beautiful and loving and clever and kind, and you know what you are? You’re the bastard that fucked her and left her because you were in a mad, temper tantrum. You’re the twat that’s brought some tart home and fucked her. So, to my mind that makes you the man who’s lost her forever and I don�
�t mind waiting, because when she’s ready I’m going to be the man warming her bed forever.”
Charlie is panting while John shouts and devastation is written large on his face but at those final words he snaps and pulls his fist back ready to beat the shit out of him.
It’s at this point that everything seems to happen in slow motion. I lose my numbness and leap forward because I can’t allow Charlie to hit him. He’s done nothing to deserve it and Charlie will kill him. “Charlie no!” I shout, and try to grab his hand but the momentum behind it is fierce when it comes back, and I reel backwards and fall to the floor with a cry as his fist crashes into my head.
There’s silence in the room for a second and I just lie there with my head pounding and stars in my vision, and then there’s an explosion of movement next to me and Charlie throws himself down to me.
“No, no, no,” he keeps saying in a panicked voice. “Mabes, Mabes I’m so sorry baby. I didn’t mean to do that. Are you okay sweetheart?“ His hands are shaking like he’s got palsy but his fingers are gentle on my face until he touches a sore spot on my head and I flinch away from him. He utters a heartbroken groan at that and I see that his eyes are full of tears. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Charlie cry since Jen died, and I know this is because he thinks I’m frightened of him. I can’t bear for him to think that, even after everything that he’s done, and I start to reach out to him but at this point I smell his skin and I recoil away from him instead, scrambling on my heels and unwittingly reinforcing this impression. I just can’t be near him when the normal, warm tang of his skin is tainted by the overwhelming smell of another woman’s perfume.
Then John is behind me helping me up gently. Charlie scrambles to his feet, his eyes wild and his hands still groping for me, but John is calm and firm now. “No,” he says and something must get through to Charlie because he stills. “Not tonight,” John carries on. “You don’t need to do or say anything more tonight and that’s for both of you. I’m taking her away from here and if she wants to, she can talk to you tomorrow but that’s entirely up to her.”
Charlie stands to one side so that John can walk me past him and as we pass I see that he’s shaking all over and I’m a fool because a huge part of me wants to reach out and comfort him, but then I look at the girl and instead let John usher me out without saying anything.
“Mabe,” comes Charlie’s broken voice from behind me and I stop and turn to him before I can stop myself. I think I always will. “Mabe, I’m sorry,” he says in a tear filled voice, and then he looks with hatred at the girl. “I know you don’t believe me but I swear to you that nothing happened.”
“I don’t care anymore,” I say in a dead voice and I see him recoil before John puts me in the car. As we drive away I see him in the lit doorway slumped in despair with his head in his hands.
I can’t remember much of the journey after that. I remember telling John to take me back to Viv’s house, and his side of the conversation with her, but the numbness has spread and I feel like I’m behind this glass curtain and I don’t want to come out because I know there’s an avalanche of pain waiting for me when I do.
Viv is waiting in the door for us when we pull up. She helps me out and exchanges a speaking look with John that I notice even from behind my wall.
“Go on upstairs,” she says gently. “I’ve made up the spare room for you honey and I’ll be up in a minute.” When I get upstairs I sit on the end of the bed and just stay there. It’s like all my energy has been expended on getting here and now I really don’t know what to do with myself, so I just sit and listen to Viv and John’s conversation at the bottom of the stairs.
“Shit, John this is an absolute clusterfuck. You’re sure he’d fucked that woman?”
“I can’t say that for sure. She was naked and he was only in his jeans but he swore nothing happened.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he did.” I hear the skepticism in her voice and wince.
“Who really knows, but Viv I do know people, and I’ve got a sense for when someone’s lying - it comes with the job. For what it’s worth I thought he was telling the truth.”
“Well, that’s something for tomorrow. I’ll go up to her now.”
“Wait, there’s something else. He went to punch me and he caught Mabel on her head.”
“Jesus Christ. Is she okay? Did he knock her out? He’s got a mean right hook.”
“No, it was a glancing blow and I don’t think it hit hard but she fell over so she might be a bit sore.”
“Oh my god!” There’s silence for a second, and then she adds, obviously reluctantly. “Was he okay?”
“That’s interesting. I just told you that he hit your best friend and you’re bothered about how he is.”
“John, there’s things you don’t know about Charlie and I’ll never tell you, but rest assured I know he would never, ever hurt any woman, especially Mabes. He must be devastated, poor sod.”
There’s another silence.
“You know I actually felt sorry for the poor bastard.”
Viv sighs. “Shit, what a mess. Well I haven’t got time to worry about him now, although I’m going to text Sid in a minute to let him know Charlie will need him. Now I’m going up to Mabes.”
“I’ll let you go then. I’ll pop in tomorrow. Tell Mabel I hope she’s okay.”
The door slams and I hear her footsteps coming upstairs. Her shadow darkens the doorway and then she sits herself next to me and I feel her fingers pushing my hair back. “Oh sweetie,” she says softly, and it’s the love in her voice that cracks my glass wall. I feel hot tears start to track down my face and I turn into her arms and let the utter agony consume me.
I wake up the next morning and for a second I don’t know where I am and I wonder where Charlie is, and then the memories rush in and I moan weakly turning my head into the pillow. Viv stayed up most of the night with me mopping up my tears and I’m sure that she won’t want to hear any more. I lie still for a second and then make myself get out of bed. When I stand up I sway slightly. I feel like shit. My head hurts with a dull ache and my eyes feel gritty and swollen after a night of crying. In fact I ache all over like I’ve been in a car crash. Pushing away thoughts of last night I force myself into the bathroom where I down some ibuprofen and drink some water from the tap. My throat is sore and I presume that’s also due to the crying. I make myself shower and wash my hair and by the time I get out and I’ve dried my hair I feel about as human as I’m going to get today. Viv has obviously been in while I’ve been in the shower because she’s put out some of her clothes for me - a green and white patterned maxi dress which looks comfortable and comforting, along with some underwear.
I dress and then make my way downstairs towards the kitchen where I can hear a muttered conversation going on. I stop dead as I go in although I don’t know why I’m so surprised to see Sid. I might have known he’d come as soon as Viv allowed it. They stop talking as I come in and Sid’s eyes widen as he sees my face, which is understandable as my eyelids look like I’ve done ten rounds in a boxing ring, they’re so swollen with crying.
“Jesus, Mabe,” he chokes out, coming to me quickly and pulling me into his arms. “Are you okay baby?” he whispers into my ear.
I pull back slightly. He looks tired too so I guess he was up most of the night with Charlie, like Viv was with me. The four of us probably look like we’ve been at a week long rave.
“I’m okay,” I say, but my voice is hoarse and doesn’t have much conviction.
He winces and sits me down on a stool like I’m fragile while Viv bustles about pouring my tea and making me some toast.
He stares at me for a while and I take the time to drink my tea and let the hot liquid soothe my throat. I’m in no hurry to have this conversation at all. Eventually he breaks. “Mabes,“ he says cautiously. “I know you probably don’t want to hear this but Charlie’s devastated honey. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this, not ever. He’s just sitting there bent over an
d he won’t talk except to say that he hurt you and it’s his fault.”
“Well it was his fault,” Viv says sharply and I shake my head at her. I can’t let this particular guilt go on. I just can’t whatever he’s done.
“Sid, the punch wasn’t his fault,” I say, and he nods dumbly. Viv must have told him. “We all know him. He’s not your dad and he never will be. I just didn’t think and jumped in and that’s my fault, not his. Please don’t let him think that I blame him for that.”
“Well that’s good,” he says cautiously. “Nothing’s unfixable Mabes. Please talk to him. I know the two of you can straighten this mess out. If you could just talk to each other it would be okay again. You’re meant to be together.”
He falters to a stop as I stand up abruptly.
“Don’t Sid,” I say abruptly. “Don’t peddle that shit anymore. We’re not meant to be together and that’s abundantly clear after last night. He fucked another woman, that’s how made for each other we are. What a perfect couple. We’re like Ken and Barbie.” I can hear my voice rising and I embrace this anger because anything’s better than the sorrow. “You should write a fucking love song about that Sid, although happy ever after doesn’t really work when Prince Charming is sticking his cock in another Cinderella.”
“No, he didn’t,” Sid says quickly. “He didn’t fuck her. If you’d only talk to him he could tell you this.”
“He didn’t do it, or he said he didn’t do it?” I ask and at his silence I laugh. I’m not sure who this bitter woman is but from Sid’s expression he doesn’t recognize her either. “Well I’m sure he would peddle that horseshit. He’s got the gift of the gab that’s for sure.” He shakes his head and I bend down and look him in the eyes. “He was half naked in just a pair of unbuttoned jeans with a totally naked woman next to him. This was only two days after he fucked me Sid, so tell me now how that makes it fixable? Tell me how made for each other we are now.”
