“It’s my fault.”
When she couldn’t take the silence anymore, she whispered, “Why?”
Even with the engine noise and wind he heard her.
“I should have kept my mouth shut and let him make his own decisions. First, I lose my best friend, and then, Cassie’s friendship, too.” He sighed and rested his hand on the gearshift, touching her leg on accident. She jerked at his touch, enough for him to glance down and move it.
A minute later, he said, “I’ve heard a lot about you from Cassie. All this time, I didn’t realize I had seen you before. I don’t know if you remember that . . .”
“Yes, of course.” He remembered! So many other things sat on her tongue, ready to say, and yet she couldn’t speak. She couldn’t even turn and look at him. If he saw her face, he’d instantly know how many times she’d thought about him. That terrifying night came back every now and then, but mostly she saw his face looking down at her. She’d been so scared one second and then safe in his arms the next.
“How do you like Texas?” He politely saved her.
She shrugged. “It’s hot.”
Next he would ask about her husband, and she didn’t want to tell him about her fake “fairy tale” life that she ruined by wanting a baby, in her ex-husband’s words.
Jason never asked. Her mind went to the next thing to talk about, but she couldn’t ask him about his job.
They were quiet as they drove over the Willamette River and across Eugene to Cassie’s lavender-with-white-trim house. Wild flowers grew in the flowerbed, some of them lavender to match. A sign dangled under the mailbox with Fisher painted in pretty letters. A new picket fence lined the yard. You couldn’t find a more perfect starter home.
“Thanks for getting me,” she said, as they got out. After she pulled Aubrey from the car seat, Jason sat it next to the front door.
He responded with a short, “No problem,” and took her suitcase to the door as well. “I’d better go.”
“Cassie’s that upset at you?” Why did she say that? He probably just had somewhere he needed to be.
“I talked Mike out of quitting the department. She was mad even before he died. And she’s right. It’s my fault.”
Savanna tried to speak, to say it couldn’t be his fault, but the proper timing slipped by with her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. He slid his hands into his pockets and watched her hold her little girl.
Searching for one good thing to say, she remembered the fire. “I always wished I could have thanked you. For pulling me from that fire, that is.” She barely finished before his eyes went hard. Jason nodded and walked back to the jeep.
“What the hell?” she murmured after him, but he didn’t hear. He drove off as the door opened behind her.
“Savanna.”
She turned at the voice. Tammy still had a mass of dark red curls, and she still looked like she disliked Savanna.
“Tammy, it’s been a long time.” She grabbed her bag with one hand while balancing Aubrey on her other hip and entered.
“I’ll go get Cassie. I need to get home to my family.” Tammy spoke in a hurry while she walked away.
Aubrey threw herself back and forth to get out of Savanna’s arms so she could run around. The suitcase and Aubrey both landed on the floor with a thud, and Aubrey took off to explore.
Savanna was about to chase her daughter when Tammy returned. Trying to smile, Savanna asked, “So do you have a family now, Tammy?”
Tammy gave her a frown and said goodbye. Savanna wanted to throw open the front door and say, “Hey Tammy, why did you always act like I was some spoiled rich kid? I grew up without a dad, did you know that?” But she didn’t. Cassie had said several years back that Tammy had to be jealous of Savanna’s looks, but Cassie was pretty too. She was tall and elegant, like Savanna’s mom.
Cassie’s house smelled of fresh flowers, and Savanna would rather think about something other than her old high school problems. Ceiling fans whirled quietly but effectually so that the house felt cool compared to the warmth outside. The home’s atmosphere wasn’t cool, though. Colors and happy patterns marked the place, like the bright watermelon rug under her feet. Savanna longed for a beautiful, welcoming place like this for her and Aubrey . . . and maybe a husband and father someday.
Savanna took in the living room, painted pastel blue, and saw Cassie had childproofed the place. She’d been serious about getting pregnant. A picture frame next to the door held two photos. One was Mike and Cassie’s first picture together. They grinned in a picture booth at the fair. The other was a shot from their wedding. Underneath the pictures, it read, “Michael James Fisher and Cassandra Grace Thompson . . . Forever.”
With fresh tears, Savanna noted that wedding pictures of Mike and Cassie plastered the inside of the house, along with a beautiful quilt hanging on one wall, and a few paintings of mountains and rivers.
“Savanna?”
She turned around and saw Cassie coming out, wearing gray sweats and a baggy T-shirt that had to be Mike’s. She had pulled her long, dark hair back in a messy ponytail, but what did Savanna expect? She was impressed Cassie was out of bed.
“Hey.” She hugged her friend, who looked like she might break down into sobs.
“Thank you for coming.” Cassie didn’t step away from their embrace. She still smelled like her lavender shampoo.
“Don’t even think about it,” Savanna replied, not wanting Cassie’s thanks. “How could I not come?”
They stood, hanging onto to each other for a long time, letting the tears fall. Sometimes you need that release.
“He didn’t have to die. He should have quit that job,” Cassie said, her voice breaking several times.
There wasn’t anything to say to that to make it better, so Savanna just listened and held her.
Finally Cassie stepped back, wiping her red, swollen eyes. “Eric must be busy with work.”
That took Savanna by surprise because her mind was focused on Cassie. She nodded blankly. She couldn’t tell Cassie she had lied to her all this time. Not yet.
Cassie glanced down at the large suitcase and asked, “You can stay a while?”
Just as Savanna started to answer, Aubrey squealed, “Mama!” She had a TV remote and bounced up and down with excitement. “Buttons!”
“She’s talking.” Cassie stayed put, watching Aubrey from across the room.
“A few words,” Savanna answered, noticing Cassie’s stiff posture.
Aubrey stumbled forward toward Cassie, who didn’t bend down to hug her or pick her up. Next, Aubrey ran for Savanna’s arms. “Bobby Boo, up!”
“Come on, I’ll show you to the guest room.” Cassie picked up the suitcase and led the way down the hall. Savanna stepped into the guest room behind Cassie, but it wasn’t a guest room. It was painted pastel yellow to coordinate with the rest of the house, and it had a balloon border three feet up from the floor.
“Oh, Cass.” Fresh tears slid down her face.
Cassie cried too. “It’s okay, please don’t cry.”
The irony of Cassie’s statement crushed Savanna even more, but Cassie turned away.
“Sorry it’s not pumped up yet,” Cassie said about the flat air mattress lying on the floor.
“No problem, I’ll do it.” Savanna jumped at the chance to do something and break the heavy mood.
“Okay, Miss Bobby Boo, want a drink?” Cassie took Aubrey’s hand and led the way to the kitchen to fill her sippy cup and get a snack, while Savanna got the bed ready. She heard Cassie talking and hoped her friend just needed to warm up to Aubrey. After playing for an hour, Aubrey tried out the bed and promptly fell asleep.
“Poor tired baby.” Savanna kissed Aubrey’s cheek and pulled a blanket over her. She joined Cassie in the living room while Aubrey took her nap. They sat in silence, but it had to be better than talking about Mike. Or why Eric didn’t come with her.
The house was full of reminders of Mike, from pictures on the walls, to
his shoes still on the shoe rack, and even a to-do list on the kitchen counter with half the items crossed off. The worst was a handwritten sticky note on the fridge that said, “Might be late tonight. I’ll call. Love ya Cass. And someday you’ll make a great mother!”
Savanna wanted to tuck these things away so they wouldn’t hurt Cassie, but that wasn’t her place. It tugged at her heart, but it also made to think of her old home with Eric when they were married. Had all those little personal touches been there? It hadn’t seemed like a home to him at all.
The next day, Cassie’s parents came by. They’d be leaving after the funeral, and even though Cassie’s mom offered to stay, Cassie wouldn’t hear it. “Savanna will be here.”
Savanna felt like she stood on an Olympic podium while someone hung a gold medal around her neck . . . only she didn’t deserve the prize. She also noticed Cassie didn’t want help from others. It meant a lot that she’d let her guard down for Savanna.
People came and went, so Savanna greeted them and filled the hostess role. Her feet ached by day’s end, but even keeping busy didn’t keep her from thinking about the brooding firefighter and wondering if he had anyone with him. For some reason, she worried he was alone.
Two
The entire fire department came out for Mike’s funeral. Jason tried to respond when people greeted him, but his mind wouldn’t stay on the here and now. His thoughts felt both frozen and whirling. Rays of sunlight shot across the sanctuary from the front door as the sun headed up into the sky. The day was hot already, but everyone wore their Sunday best. He stood just inside the door of the church.
Police and community workers filled the building. Firefighters came from around Eugene to show their respect for a fallen comrade.
Jason clenched his fists by his side. He bit his tongue between his molars. He had to hold himself together for this, even while others cried. They wouldn’t lose it the way he would if he let down his guard.
Why Mike? Why not him? Mike had a wife, a mortgage, a future planned. Jason had a job. He wasn’t close to any family members. His last relationship had ended when his then girlfriend, Rachael, asked him to choose between his job and her. She had been a real drama queen who made up crazy stories for attention. He was lucky he hadn’t heard from her lately, and that was the extent of his dating life for the last year. His family lived in other states and rarely talked to him. Jason’s life consisted of his job and his friends, and now both of those felt lost.
He’d taken his rage out on his old couch the night before. The thing now lay in puffs of synthetic snow and tattered cloth in his garage, but destroying something didn’t relieve the hot emotions in him for very long.
Kevin Nielsen, the speaker, looked ready to begin, so Jason made his way up to his seat near the front. Firefighters filled the right side, while Cassie, her family and her friends were mostly over on the left.
“Friends and family . . .”
He didn’t listen to Kevin speak after that. Instead, he remembered nights with Mike, playing pinball or cards, or conditioning at the station. Saturday afternoon barbecues. They had trained together, spent hours on duty together, gone into fires together. Mike had shown up, time after time, when Jason needed backup. Mike was his friend and family.
He also remembered how Mike talked about his wife and how very much he loved her. Cassie had been Mike’s dream come true. At first, she had even understood his need to do his job, but when the baby urge hit them, she changed her mind and convinced him to switch careers. She got frantic and wanted him to quit before he had even found another job. At the time, Jason was standing by his friend, telling Mike he could convince Cassie he’d be fine.
But she hated Jason now, and he couldn’t blame her.
He joined reality again when silence filled the room, and Kevin made an invitation for anyone to come up front and share. Several men from Mike’s department went up, choking on emotion, while saying Mike was one of the best men around.
Honest.
A hard worker.
A good friend.
The room waited in silence for anyone else who wanted to share. Cassie started to stand, but then collapsed into Savanna’s arms.
Jason felt himself fall apart as he watched. He couldn’t stop the tears this time. Savanna’s hand covered her mouth as she held onto Cassie. Then she raised her gaze. Wild green eyes, almond-shaped, and filled with tears. With her sunshine-colored hair swept up into a clip, she could transfix anyone with her beauty.
He’d seen that face every day in his mind the last two years. The memory always started with her staring up at him in complete wonder and gratitude, soot all over her soft skin.
She’d been so close. He knew the instant he saw her yesterday. He’d been a fool about it, being friendly and then cold. Savanna must think he’d lost it because Mike died. Why didn’t he just acknowledge her “thank you” instead of running off like he did?
Across the room, Savanna still watched him as if she couldn’t look away. She didn’t know him, but at least she saw him. He needed to get through to Cassie, but how could he ignore the need to know Savanna? And why did he need to know her? He felt like he was playing with fire but couldn’t help himself.
No one else went up front to speak. Jason pushed himself up and then pulled one heavy foot after the other until he climbed the steps and stood at the pulpit. He turned to face everyone. He had no idea what he would say.
He saw blank faces, crying people, and then Cassie’s cold, brown eyes narrowed at him. Savanna glanced at her friend and then up to him.
“Mike wasn’t just a good guy and friend, he was my best friend.” Jason planted his hands on the pulpit, gripping it to control his emotions. “Firefighting takes tremendous teamwork, and he gave that. He saved my life over and over. He backed up all of us.”
Choked up, Jason couldn’t speak. He didn’t want to say Mike gave his life doing that, even if that were true. He just didn’t like to admit that not only was Mike gone, but he had died in the line of duty after Jason convinced him to stay with the department.
“We’ll all miss you, Mike.” The words rushed out just before he fled back to his seat to bury his face in his hands. He hated talking about Mike in the past tense.
With so many people in the church, it took half an hour to get out. Jason sat in his jeep until everyone joined the procession. Cassie wouldn’t want him anywhere near her car. He arrived last at the cemetery, and joined the silent crowd.
Kevin said a few words once everyone had gathered around. Silence. The breeze barely blew. When the casket was lowered, Jason closed his eyes, not wanting to watch. He didn’t see who stood by him, only felt several people pat his back as they left.
Moments later, he felt someone staring at him and looked up. Across the grave, Cassie watched him. Savanna’s eyes were down as she stood by her friend. She whispered in Cassie’s ear and started off toward the parked cars, leaving Cassie beside her husband’s grave.
He shouldn’t be here either, so he turned and left. Ahead of him, Savanna walked in a black pantsuit that made her waist look even smaller, the rest of her even curvier.
“Savanna.” He said her name, and she stopped to wait until he reached her. “I’m sorry about yesterday. It’s hard thinking about firefighting right now.” He reached out and stroked the back of his hand down her arm. Even through her sleeve, he needed that touch.
The sad smile she gave him proved she’d noticed his reaction when she’d thanked him. Now she tried to shrug like it wasn’t a big deal. She wasn’t the lightning bolt Cassie was, but a pleaser, he realized. He liked Cassie’s “all in” attitude toward life, but here he saw a different depth. Savanna had a compassion that was heartfelt and eyes that caught every detail. They shone in the midday sunlight, searching him. Not knowing what else to say, but not wanting to leave, he glanced around and saw Cassie hasten toward them.
“I can’t stay here,” Cassie said as she neared them. She looked like another person, no
t Mike’s bright, vibrant wife who laughed all the time.
Savanna took a step toward Cassie and took her by the arm. “We can go home,” she spoke gently.
“No.” Cassie sighed. “People are waiting there. I just want to be alone.”
Jason stepped closer. “I have to tell you how sorry I am. Cass, we can’t go on like this.”
She shook her head. “Sorry that you talked Mike into keeping a job that killed him? If you’re looking for forgiveness, you won’t find it here.”
The darts pierced his heart as intended. Even though he was looking right at Cassie’s accusing eyes, he saw Savanna’s mouth open.
“He loved his job, Cass.” This was barely loud enough for them to hear. He’d repeated the weak excuse in his mind many, many times, but it left him angry too.
“More than life? More than his marriage? More than our future? I can’t look at you. Not with Mike here.” She turned and started off.
She could have screamed at him. As it was, the way she spoke through her tears made it worse. He knew how bad she was hurting, and he even understood that she couldn’t figure out any other way to handle it.
“I never thought it’d turn out this way,” he called, but Cassie kept walking. Savanna gave him a helpless shrug, with tears in her eyes, and followed her friend.
When Cassie reached her vehicle, she exploded with a string of words Jason had never heard her say before, followed with, “The tire’s flat!”
From behind them, he said, “I’ll change it, don’t worry.”
Cassie sighed and popped her trunk so he could get to the spare. She pretended he wasn’t there and walked off. Without bothering to remove his suit jacket, Jason put the jack under the car and pumped the handle, while Cassie and Savanna leaned against a wood fence that surrounded the cemetery.
“Would you like any help?” Savanna offered, making him realize they hadn’t gone that far.
“Don’t need it, but thanks.” He could feel the glare on Cassie’s face without looking back at her. It occurred to him that he didn’t have to push this thing. There wasn’t anything stopping him from walking away and letting Cassie hate him forever. Well, there was the memory of Mike and all of them laughing together and talking about life. He knew Mike would want him watching out for Cass. I won’t let you down, Mike, at least not with this.
License to Love: Holiday Box Set (Contemporary Romance) Page 46
