“Breakfast?” she called from the kitchen. She got a muttered “uh-uh” from Cassie.
“Just coffee.”
She fixed two cups and took one to Cassie, sitting in a recliner close by. They both wrapped their hands around their mugs like it was a cool morning.
Savanna wished she could make things better for her. “I don’t know how to help you.”
Cassie finally moved and looked at Savanna. “You’ve been great.”
“I’m trying.” She looked over at Aubrey, who sat at the table and played with the fruit while munching on it. “Do you want us here?”
“Yes.” Cassie sat up now. “Don’t you want to stay?”
“Not if it’s hard on you.”
Cassie shook her head and then gazed out the window to the clear day. “I was trying to plan, it’s just . . .”
Savanna gave her a minute, but Cassie never finished the thought. It didn’t look like Cassie could talk about her reaction to Aubrey. “You don’t need to think ahead right now. Everything’s taken care of.”
Cassie shook her head again, her gaze focused down on her cup.
“Please don’t worry,” Savanna said because she couldn’t think of the right thing to say. “You don’t need to do anything right now.” Good grief, she sounded like a skipping CD. Wasn’t there anything else she could say?
Cassie sank back into the couch and pulled up her knees. “We . . . had everything planned out before. Now I don’t know what I’m doing, and I need to.”
Savanna thought of the life she’d once envisioned with Eric. She’d had that feeling, too, of needing to make plans again. Right now, though, she needed to be here for her friend.
She saw Cassie sip her coffee and watch her.
“I’m glad you’re staying,” Cassie started, “But I’m sorry about your marriage.”
“Thanks.” That didn’t sound like the right thing to say, but she didn’t have a lot of expertise in the area. She’d avoided telling anyone about the divorce for a year. “You shouldn’t be apologizing for my mess.”
Cassie’s confusion showed as she scrunched her brows. “I don’t get it. Why didn’t you tell me things were that bad?”
Wasn’t she here to help Cassie, not the other way around? Savanna looked around and shrugged and still couldn’t come up with a good answer. “I didn’t want to ruin things.”
“Savanna! Sounds like things are ruined anyway.”
“I meant for you. You sounded so happy.” Savanna winced at her own words. Cassie’s eyes teared up, but she held it together.
“We’re best friends, Savanna,” Cassie said, and she looked so wounded that Savanna had to look down. “We’ve always shared everything. Stop staring at your coffee and look at me!”
“I know, I know.” Savanna took a deep breath. “But I don’t want to dump stuff on you right now; it’d make me feel worse.”
Cassie choked on a laugh. “That’s how I feel with everyone fussing over me.”
“They’re not fussing. We love you. Everyone just wants to help out, to take care of you. It’s what friends do.” She knew Jason just wanted to help as well, and he’d feel better if Cassie would let him. She almost brought it up, but no, Cassie needed more time.
“Is that what you dream about?” Cassie asked carefully. “You make noise in your sleep, like you’re having a nightmare. I’ve started to wake you up, but then you get quiet.”
Nightmares? She had dreamed strange things since she returned to Eugene, but she didn’t know how bad it’d gotten. “I still have dreams about the fire.”
“Savanna . . .”
She’d been so careful not to bring it up. How could she forget that Cassie had lost her husband the same way she could have died? She’d always felt so thankful that she made it out of that fire alive, but recently she felt guilty about it too. Why had she lived through that, but not Mike? And why did a happily married couple like Mike and Cassie end like this?
“You haven’t talked about it since then.” Cassie looked down into her cup and added, “We haven’t talked about it, anyway.”
The hurt in Cassie’s voice dug into Savanna’s conscience.
“I don’t talk about it,” Savanna said about the fire. “But sometimes it’s in my dreams.”
After a long pause, Cassie said, “I’m sorry for not thinking about that. It’s got to be hard…now.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I mean, it is a little hard, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be here for you. It’s one kind of strain, and then there’s…” How could she open the door to everything else?
Cassie’s gaze was on her, sharp now instead of the lost, fuzzy look she’d worn when Savanna had arrived. “Other things, like Eric?”
Savanna’s heartbeat roared up into her head at the prospect of sharing about her marriage. Yeah, it might give Cassie something to think about, but Savanna wasn’t sure she could handle it.
Cassie glanced down at Savanna’s hand. “Your ring’s gone. Are things officially over?”
Savanna nodded, but she didn’t want to see Cassie’s reaction to what she planned to say. “I wish I had never met him.”
Savanna waited several minutes for Cassie to respond in some way, and then she felt both let down and relieved when she didn’t. It hadn’t been the right thing to say to a new widow. It struck her yet again how unfair it was that a great guy like Mike died, leaving a wife he loved, while Eric lived happily and greedily ever after, without a care for Savanna or Aubrey. They sat together for a while until Savanna left to take a shower.
Half an hour later, when she felt ready to face the day, Savanna heard Cassie and Aubrey at the other end of the house. She stopped in the entrance to the living room when she found them. Aubrey’s brown curls were close in color to Cassie’s long hair. They looked more related than Savanna and Aubrey did.
Cassie glanced up at Savanna then, reminding her she wasn’t invisible. “Savanna, what are these?”
Savanna sat down on the other side of Aubrey, who held a stack of stapled pictures. “Oh, I didn’t know Aubrey had those out.” She hadn’t even noticed what they’d been looking at until then.
“You drew all these pictures?” Cassie held another book and flipped through it.
Savanna felt her face flush as she nodded. She’d hidden them because not only had she illustrated several books, but the stories were about her and Cassie growing up together. Savanna held her breath while Cassie flipped through the last one.
“Wow, I knew you could draw, but I didn’t know you were interested in children’s books. These are wonderful. Have you submitted them anywhere?”
“Children’s books? No, I didn’t make them to share. I was bored, I guess. Aubrey gave me the idea.”
Cassie slapped the stack of papers on the coffee table and narrowed her eyes at Savanna. “Savanna Lily Thompson, you’ve kept everything from me!”
Cassie’s anger startled Savanna. “It’s just something for Aubrey.”
“What else is going on?”
I’ve got the hots for the guy you’re mad at. The thought flew into her head, almost unwanted. She wanted to help him, not get into a dead-end relationship. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”
Maybe she should be glad Cassie had something to think about besides her loss, but Savanna didn’t like being in the hot seat.
“How about saying you’ll tell me these things? You could share. I’m your best friend, remember?”
“I do.” How could she ignore that opening? “I did want to ask you something. About Jason.”
“What about him?”
Grabbing a big breath, she blurted, “He wasn’t at that fire that killed Mike.”
There. It was out there.
“That’s not what this is about.” Cassie propped her feet on the table. “Mike wanted to quit, I told you that.”
“Wanted to?” She asked, responding to Cassie’s anger and instantly knowing she didn’t have the right to say it. S
he didn’t have a right to suggest it was Cassie’s idea, not now. Savanna half expected Cassie to lose it or jump up and leave, but she just closed her eyes instead.
A minute passed while she tried to think of some way to redeem herself. Then Cassie said, “He wanted a family.”
“I know.”
“Jason just couldn’t let him walk away. Sure, Mike loved that job, but it was dangerous. We talked about his job for a year before he decided to resign. I think I mentioned all this on the phone, if you were listening back then.”
Savanna sighed and felt like the breath leaving her lungs was something else, something bigger. “I’m sorry about that, Cass. I was trying to deal with a lot and didn’t want to admit it.”
Cassie’s head lifted and her light brown eyes honed in on Savanna. Maybe she hadn’t said anything earlier because she needed to think it over. “You haven’t explained why your marriage ended.”
Savanna shook her head and shrugged at the same time, like it wasn’t anything. Yeah, like anyone would buy that. She picked at her nails. “There are a lot of reasons. We grew apart. With his job, you know. He wasn’t interested in a family, or in me, for that matter.”
“Then you know what it’s like to lose your husband. You should understand why I’m so mad.”
Only Savanna couldn’t begin to compare her situation to Cassie suddenly losing the love of her life. Or could she? While Cassie suddenly lost Mike, she had slowly lost Eric. They had both lost their dream of a happy family. The difference was Savanna had Aubrey, and she hadn’t lost someone who was madly in love with her. When the cards were on the table, she knew Cassie had a deeper pain to overcome.
Four
Jason had to make it through the weekend before he could go back to work. Right now, that sounded like forever. He stood on his back porch with a Coke in his hand and stared out at the hills over the other housetops. The close of summer felt final this year, ending an era in his life.
His boss had offered more him time. Heck, Alex tried to force him to take more, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t need all this time to think. Thinking made things worse.
The only thing that felt right was getting back to work and doing his job. He hadn’t heard from Cassie, big surprise, but he checked his messages every day and drove past her house whenever he was out.
Since he couldn’t go to work, he headed out of the house and into his jeep to drive by once again. Seeing Cassie’s car by her house, he slowed down and spotted the three of them up ahead on the sidewalk. Savanna pushed a stroller, her face tilted down. As he slowly drove closer, he saw that Aubrey held an ice cream cone, and it looked like she had ice cream on both hands, as well as on her dress. They noticed him.
Cassie picked up her pace and went inside her gate, but Savanna waited on the sidewalk. He parked and hopped out, grateful to see her, but her teary eyes stopped him from speaking. They looked like a pool of water under a waterfall, reflecting green light from the surrounding ferns. Her hair made a wispy curl on her shoulder. He had to touch it and found it to be as soft as he had imagined. “Savanna.” He finally spoke, but her name was all he could manage.
Instead of answering, she sighed, sounding alone and wistful. The emotional mood hung heavily, so it felt natural for him to lean forward and wrap his arms around her, pulling her against him. Good God, she felt good in his arms. Her face nestled into his neck, and the way she leaned into him told him she needed the support. Cassie could be watching them from the window, but Jason hurt too much inside to care. “You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. Sorry.” Savanna sheepishly pulled back, wiping her eyes.
“Don’t worry, what are friends for?” he said, and she glanced at him in surprise. He wanted to keep his hands on her shoulders, but that’d embarrass her more.
“Things will get better,” she said like a prayer.
“You remember that, too, all right?” He knew she had a pile of her own burdens. They stood close together, and Jason had to shove his hands in his pockets so he wouldn’t touch her again. He could be a good friend, even though he wanted a hell of a lot more. She’d glossed her lips orange sherbet, and he wondered if they’d taste as sweet as they looked. He shouldn’t want her this badly, especially standing on the sidewalk so close to Cassie’s house.
“I should go,” she whispered, holding his gaze even after she spoke.
“Yeah, Cassie’s waiting,” he said. His words seemed to shake her out of the moment. After she looked toward Cassie’s house, Savanna gave him a weak smile and turned away. He watched the swish of her green summer dress. Not a bad picture, except it tormented him to see her walk away. He wanted to see her, hear her voice, and touch her skin. How could he need someone he hardly knew?
The alarm flipped on, and the buzzing sent Jason right out of bed. Monday morning. Finally, he could go back to work and keep busy. He rushed through a shower, looking forward to drills, exercises, and checking equipment.
When he arrived at work a half an hour later, his boss met him at the door. “Jason! How’re you doing?”
A nice normal day at work. Yup. Several guys were quiet and trying to look like they weren’t listening.
“Hey, Alex, I’m doing well.” What could he say? The truth? His boss acted glad to see him, but when they reached the wall of lockers, the three other guys in the room grew quiet.
“What’s up?” Right as he asked, Jason saw they were about to clean out Mike’s locker. It didn’t look like anyone planned to answer him except for the glance they all gave Alex. He imagined Alex had decided it would be easiest for him if someone else did it, but Mike was his best friend. “Don’t you think I should do that?”
No one argued. Instead, they cleared the room. Yeah, it’d be hard, but there are some hard things in life you just don’t skip.
Maybe if he took Mike’s things to Cassie, she would spend five minutes with him. He stared at the locker and pictured some other groups of people in a mess like this. They’d be helping each other through it, right? They wouldn’t stonewall each other.
He opened Mike’s locker, and for a minute, he couldn’t move while looking at all the snapshots of Cassie and Mike. Most showed them tangled up in each other’s arms, grinning at the camera.
Cassie seemed to think he had stolen their future. Hell, he hadn’t made Mike love firefighting. He hadn’t forced Mike into staying on. And he wasn’t even at the fire to try to save Mike.
Jason didn’t get it, so he packed Mike’s things into a box and headed back out the door to take it to her house.
He dreaded Cassie’s response, but an insane part of him wanted to see Savanna again. Yesterday’s embrace hung on him like he could still feel her. He drove slowly, walked even slower up the sidewalk and steps, and stood on the porch a long minute before ringing the doorbell.
Savanna answered. His lucky day. “Jason . . .”
“Hey there.” He suddenly felt so hopeful that he wanted to laugh at himself. Just seeing those caring eyes made him feel better.
“Oh.” She saw the box and pushed the screen open for him. Apparently he didn’t need to explain, and she didn’t speak as he carried the box to the kitchen table and set it down. His arm brushed hers as he walked by. He probably did it on purpose but didn’t think about it.
Aubrey’s babbles floated in from the living room as they stood motionless, their eyes on the box. She looked lost in thought.
“You look sad.” Maybe that wasn’t the way to start the conversation, but nothing else came to mind. He couldn’t tell her that she looked stunning with her sunshine hair falling over her shoulders. That he’d like to hold her and feel all those curves against him. Kiss her this time.
“It’s hard to be happy around here.” She shrugged, a slight movement, and crossed her arms loosely. The movement looked more casual and unthinking than a show of defense. Though she looked good in a tank top and khaki shorts, she also looked worn down, with smudges under her eyes. She’d tried to cover them with make
up, but that didn’t cover her frown.
Was she shy? He hadn’t noticed that before, and it made him want to hold and protect her.
“Taking all this hard?”
His question made her look at him. “Cassie is. I’m not sure what to do.”
“I don’t know either,” he admitted. “But I wish she’d let me try.”
“I feel the same. I think it’s going to take a long time.” She nodded toward the living room. “Want to sit down? She’s at Tammy’s.”
Well, he’d gotten her talking. He sat in the chair across from the couch Savanna sat on, and Aubrey looked up and grinned. She had chubby cheeks, but he could see Savanna’s dimples. Such a beautiful little girl, just like her mother.
He wanted to know why Savanna looked so hurt, why Aubrey’s father wasn’t here taking care of them, but how on earth was he going to ask her? Every time he saw her, he worried it’d be the last time. She could go back to Texas or move away someplace else. “Are you planning to stay with Cassie a while longer?”
“For a while, yes, but I guess I’ll need my own place sometime.”
So she really was staying. An idea sprang to mind. One of his rentals had opened up recently, and he wouldn’t mind letting her use it, rent free. It didn’t seem the right time to bring it up, though. “You grew up here, didn’t you?”
“My mom and I moved here when I was in the third grade.” She leaned back into the couch. “People thought Cassie and I were sisters since we had the same last name. We got in a big fight on the school bus the first time we met.”
“Cassie fighting?”
“Yeah. I think I called her lunch box ugly or something.” A smile played on Savanna’s lips. “Then we were best friends just a few days later.” When she talked about Cassie, her eyes lit up in a way he hadn’t seen before. Aubrey bounced up to him and patted his leg.
“Hey there.” He reached down and tickled her.
“Up! Up!” As she yelled, she started pulling herself right into his lap. He couldn’t say no to her earnest brown eyes and cute little face. She seemed well-adjusted, considering she didn’t have a father around, and they’d just moved.
License to Love: Holiday Box Set (Contemporary Romance) Page 48
