But a darker memory follows, his eyes change, they stare at me blankly, his smile no longer fills me up but leaves me empty and alone. I see him the afternoon I left to go have a workout with Jen, I can see his eyes assess me but never truly see me.
Oh God, his eyes. Those eyes that were no longer for me, but lost in some invisible battle I wasn’t allowed to fight with him.
Then I see myself, like I am an ethereal spirit floating above my body watching the scene unfold with curious eyes. I feel myself clutch the bottle so hard I fear it might break. I turn the key in the lock, a huge happy endorphin fueled smile on my face wanting to smother my hubby in kisses.
Elli, don’t do it, don’t go in there! Ethereal me reaches out so close to grabbing me and pulling me back away from the entry of our house, but I cross the threshold anyway and a scream like no one had ever heard ripped through my throat. It was as if I was dying right along with him in that moment. A piece of me did die, along with the bullet that ended my husband’s existence.
Opening my eyes and taking the last of the beer in my mouth I steel myself. I need to tell someone. I need to tell someone how it felt to walk in on him… I need to finally get this off my chest.
~Raiden~
Weston and I make our way back to our tent, after what can only be described as a good day. A good day in war isn’t the same as any good day, it just means none of my buddies died and I thank God for that.
I take my helmet off and shake out my hair, sand, of course, flying everywhere. I need a damn shower. I’m in a foul mood despite having a good day here in this hot madness. I wasn’t concentrating hard enough today on the shit at hand, instead I was thinking of what I could possibly say to Elli.
She doesn’t need to be talking to me when my existence isn’t guaranteed. She went through her husband’s tours and she knows the drill, she knows the uncertainty that comes with being over here fighting what I hope is the good fight.
I grab my clean clothes and head to the showers. They’re outside in the open but they get the job done, I don’t mind it. Letting the frigid water wash over my dirty, tired body I sigh. When will I get this chick off my mind. I don’t do the dating thing, when I’m stateside I hit the bars, I find a hot little piece to take back to my place and send her packing as soon as I’m done with her. Not that I’m disrespectful but she needs to know where she stands with me, I don’t do relationships for the expressed reason of what Eli is going through.
Who knows what I’m gonna be like when I’m done, either dead or fucked up I’m sure. No woman needs to deal with that, take that burden that isn’t hers to have. God, putting someone who seems as sweet as Elli through that would destroy me all the way on the other side if that’s where I ended up. No way. I protect women from that and enjoy getting my dick wet in the process. Besides that, I haven’t wanted to love anyone enough to want to be with them for an extended period. Like I said, when I bring a woman home they need to know where they stand and with me, they really don’t.
I finish up showering, glad the dirt isn’t caking my exhausted muscles anymore, and resolve to go into the comm tent and tell Elli to stop writing me. It’s for her own good, I know it. Maybe even for my own good too. I boot up the computer and click my email, knowing this is the only way she can heal. I probably can’t help her and I need to accept that. My eyes widen in surprise when I see an email from her waiting for me.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Garrett
Raiden,
I was drinking Garrett’s favorite beer after a day I am surprised to say I loved, getting dolled up and pampered with my best friend. I sat there feeling melancholy, tasting one of my favorite tastes that remind me so much of my husband.
Then I let what happened wash over me. I know, really heavy stuff but honestly, I need to tell you. I need to stop feeling this burning, this searing feeling that consumes my entire soul, what’s left of it anyway. I just feel that even after a few emails you’re there listening to me. The anonymity of us helps, if you knew me, you would know I haven’t spoken to anyone about this. Phew, okay here it is…
When Garrett came back from his last tour in Afghanistan he wasn’t the man I married. He used to look at me like I was the only woman in the world, and he would do anything for me. He did do everything for me. But when he came back, it was like the light inside him had gone out. We were partners in crime, best friends and yet he was shutting me out as if I was a stranger.
When I tried to talk to him about it, he would either shut down or lash out at me. It finally got the point where he unknowingly choked me until I saw stars. I thought maybe if I tried to get him to open up, we would be able to get through it. But we didn’t, he only distanced himself more. I wasn’t going to give up though, that was never an option for me. I would rather have died.
The day it…happened… I spent the morning with him, laughing and carrying on like nothing was wrong… and Raiden, he smiled at me. When it happened, it was so stunning to me that I lost my breath and I could almost feel my heart healing. I thought this was going to be the beginnings of a breakthrough...but I was so wrong. It wasn’t quite the radiant smile from before but it was progress! I honestly could have cried. Jen came and picked me up to go to the gym for some pole dancing class she thought would be fun. When we came back I was on an absolute high so happy to come home to him, for once I was hopeful we could get back to who we were.
I walked in the door and there he was. In a pool of blood, the man I vowed to love until death do us part. Death had parted us.
In his hand was my pink little 9mm. He used the gun he had bought me as an anniversary present to shoot himself…shoot himself in the head. I don’t remember what happened but I think the neighbors heard my screaming. Jen later told me that I blacked out, getting on my knees and holding his ruined head in my arms and screaming like I was the one dying. She truly thought I would die right along side him.
She said I was head to toe covered in his blood. When the police and the paramedics arrived, Jen have to physically drag me out of my house, our house.
I don’t truly remember anything until after the funeral. I was in a fucking haze, a shredding debilitating haze. I do remember being handed that flag, though. That fucking stupid flag and having my husband’s superiors give me their condolences. These men who sent my husband into battle, only to have it ultimately destroy him. Garrett was into something deep, something I wasn’t ever allowed to know about, he was a Navy SEAL.
I know this all is a lot to take in and if you don’t email me back, I would understand. Because Raiden, just writing this has helped me in ways you could never understand. I know it isn’t easy to be safe over there, but promise me you’ll try. You have given me so much in just a few emails that I could honestly never repay you. Thank you, Raiden. Thank you for giving me the strength to get this out. Thank you.
Stay safe,
-Elli
I drop my face in my hands and exhale what feels like knives. God, Elli. How could this woman have gone through that and not died from the anguish?
I look down at the instant message box in the corner of my email screen, thinking. I open it and click on Norwegianbeauty, my heart starting to race and my palms getting sweaty.
usmcraider1: Elli?
Radio silence.
It was a long shot but I needed to try to communicate better with her, be able to reach out in something more personal than an email. Especially after handing me all her sorrow on a silver platter and then giving me a way out.
Before, even a couple of hours ago, I might have taken it. Keep her safe from feeling like this ever again. After that confession, after showing me all her broken pieces I can’t leave her alone. I just can’t. Something took over me as I read her words, her hurt becoming my own.
I don’t even know what she looks like, but I know I need to try to shield her from this pain, take it on, and give her relief. I don’t even know
where she lives, what time it is where she is.
norwegianbeauty: Raiden?
My inhale is sharp, almost more of a gasp. I let Elli fill me up. I need this, I need to connect with her.
usmcraider1: What time is it there? Wherever you are.
Please God let it be a decent time where she is, I have to talk to her.
norwegianbeauty: It’s 9 am here, and I live in California by the way. (:
Why?
She lives in my home state…I take a beat, rubbing my hands on my sweats and type out the first thing that comes to mind.
usmcraider1: Give me your phone number.
norwegianbeauty: What? why??
Please, just do it. I know too much about you now, I can’t just know you from a computer screen.
usmcraider1: Please Elli, just do it.
Please Elli…. I hang my head hopeful she’ll do it, but then again, she doesn’t even know me. What if she doesn’t want some jarhead in the desert calling her?
norwegianbeauty: (909)-455-7960…
Yes! I snatch the global phone off the desk, my pulse pounding like a jackhammer in my ears. I dial, but before I punch in the last number I stop. What am I doing? What is going on with me that I feel like I need to soothe this poor woman.
What I thought this morning still stands, what if we get attached? With me she is stuck with no certainty, she has gone through way too much for me to mess up the life she could have, the promise of no more pain. I stare at the phone in my hands, I bore my gaze into it, needing a sign that this is what I’m supposed to do.
Ding.
norwegianbeauty: Raid? You there?
Fuck me. She called me Raid, no one calls me Raid.
My dick stirs in my sweats and I realize this is what I have to do. Future be damned I need to hear her voice; I need to know her.
Jesus, I don’t know what I need, I just know I need this. I dial. And I wait.
~Elli~
I’m sitting on my bed, Dahlia at my feet curled up, snoring, and I’m trembling. I don’t remember a time when I was this nervous. I feel like my whole body is a knot. One giant knot.
Raiden is going to call me. Why would he want to do that? My cheeks start to heat, thinking about hearing this man’s voice. This man who listens to me and gives me strength when I feel too weak.
I sit there with my computer up, his IM’s on display with my phone resting against my thigh.
I gave him my number because why not? I feel daring, like finally living for once. It has to be like eight pm over there in the desert, doesn’t he need to unwind and sleep? I don’t know what he even does over there, maybe I should ask. But maybe he can’t tell me like Garrett couldn’t. I let my mind wander waiting for him to IM back or call me, but for a solid five minutes, nothing happens.
I shoot him a quick “Raid? You there?” hoping like hell he didn’t change his mind. I sigh, realizing maybe I’ve been lonelier than I let myself believe.
Just when I go to IM him again, my phone lights up and I startle nearly jumping a foot in the air. I can’t stop staring at it like it’s possessed, my hands clutching my chest feeling a heart attack coming on. It’s a global cell call, Garrett used to use those to call me when he was on tour… I wait a couple rings, still uncertain at what I’m doing and concerned at my reaction to this in the first place. But, breathing in deep I click to answer.
I freeze. I can’t breathe, the little breath I had escapes me and leaves no air behind. I can’t think, I just take these weird little puffs of inhales that mimic breathing but in truth I am not fully functioning on the breathing thing. Why am I so nervous?
“Elli?” Oh, my God. His voice is strong and steady, deep with a sensual bass. So much better than I had imagined.
“H... Hi Raiden,” I squeak out. I shake my head, mad that that’s the first thing he’s heard of me, this meek little voice. So, I try again, clutching the phone to my face like it’s going to suddenly disappear.
“What made you call?” Better, I sounded more myself there.
“I don’t know, something made me want to check on you after that email.” He’s concerned about me?
“Yeah, I mean I needed to tell someone and I had been drinking. So, it ended up coming out like that.” My voice softer, loving the fluttering feeling I get from hearing his voice.
I glance down at the IM’s between us again. Interested in the feeling in my belly, something strange and long lost. Something not really bad but something I haven’t felt in years. I listen to him breathe, thinking of things to say to someone halfway across the world that I’ve never met. But he beats me to it, surprising me.
“Elli, that is some shit you went through. It isn’t my place to say and don’t hate me for it, but I don’t think he should’ve let it go down like that. Your house, your gun… it just shouldn’t have happened. Now you’ll see that in your dreams forever.” He sounds pissed, and that does something to me. I don’t know what I expected, maybe pity for the poor Veteran’s Widow, not anger on my behalf. It’s so refreshing.
“I understand what you mean, I wish it wouldn’t have happened either. But I can’t change the past…no matter how much it weighs on me.” I swallow, feeling the familiar anguish of Garrett’s death looming over me, threatening to take me under once more.
I don’t want to feel like that when I have Raiden talking to me, I want to be strong. I want to be normal. For once just be a woman, on the phone with a man having a normal conversation.
“Hey Raiden? What time is it there? Isn’t it nighttime? Aren’t you what, like eleven hours ahead of me? Are you tired? Should I let you go so you can get some rest?” I hit him with twenty questions to take the focus off of me. His quiet chuckling makes my heart feel things.
I strain to hear it better because the connection started to get fuzzy then but I hear it then, loud and clear. That feeling comes back listening to his deep laughter, unfurling deep in my belly and telling me to enjoy this. I smile and type an IM while he’s still laughing and lighting up some of the dark that is my world.
norwegianbeauty: I like your laugh, Raid.
I shake my head at myself, what kind of thing is that to say?! It was innocent though, he has a great laugh, maybe he needed me to tell him. I don’t know, I feel like a teenager talking to her crush for the first time. Which is strange because I didn’t really think of myself as capable of having a crush this late in the game. This isn’t going to change the fact I love my dead husband, I just… it was innocent. I’m allowed to do this.
He stops laughing and inhales sharply, filling my head with his voice as deep and rich as bourbon, the good stuff.
“I like that you make me laugh, Elli.” My eyes close and a smile tugs at my lips, the feeling in my belly spreading. I roll to my side, sinking into my pillows and holding my phone close.
“Tell me about you, I don’t really know you.” I close my eyes waiting for his gorgeous voice to come through again.
“Well, I grew up in South Pasadena, it was just me and my mom, my dad died when I was little but he was a Marine, Special Ops, so that’s kinda how this happened for me. My mom and I were and are to this day best friends. I went to the beach as much as I could, I love surfing and sailing.”
He takes a breath and I just listen to him with my eyes closed, wishing I knew what he looked like, with a voice like that it can’t be bad.
“I have done three voluntary tours in Iraq and haven’t regretted it once. I love what I do but mostly I love being around my platoon. They’re truly my brothers and I wouldn’t be able to imagine my life without ‘em.”
He goes silent so I say, “I’m glad you have your brothers, I’m glad you have people who can look out for you.” He stays silent, so I press on.
“I live in Long Beach, so I get to be on the beach whenever I want. Looks like we grew up only a little ways apart from each other.” He lets out a breath and says exactly what was on my mind.
“And now we are thousands of miles apart.�
��
How could he have known that’s what I was thinking? He lives so close when he’s home, would it be so bad to maybe meet him in person? Meet the man who has already started rewriting my future? I let out a small gasp, surprised at myself for thinking that. He truly has though. Just by listening to me and providing me an unbiased ear, someone removed from the situation, he’s given me so much.
“When are you done with your deployment, Raid?” I say it softly, but I know he hears me because his breathing grows a little harsher. “I’m done in five months.”
Okay, that isn’t bad. He could come home in five months, five months isn’t that long. That isn’t even half a year. I let myself lift up with hope in meeting this stranger who seems to have a knack for making me smile, even if it’s just to thank him in person for being a crutch when I truly needed it.
“And Elli?”
I breathe, becoming addicted to how he says my name, hard and soft at the same time.
“Yes, Raid?”
He practically whispers then, but I can hear it loud and clear because of how it affects me. “I love it when you call me Raid.”
I let his words wash over me like a tidal wave of happiness, interested as hell at how good it felt to hear him say that.
I hear some background noise so when Raiden says, “Hey I have to get going, but I’ll be try to get in touch with you soon, okay?” I’m not surprised but what I am surprised at is how disappointed I feel.
Quicksand Page 3
