She said it’s been two years since he died and she’s still wearing her widow shroud.
Is it bad I want to rescue her?
Take her away from all the pain she forces herself to live in every day?
I sigh, heavy and burdened. Realizing I won’t be getting back to sleep anytime soon, I sit up again and don my boots, heading over to the comm tent.
All I want to do is talk to her, reach out to her, get some stuff off my own chest.
I just hope she’ll listen to what I’m saying, and more importantly that I won’t scare her off.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Can’t Sleep
Hey sweet girl,
My buddy Weston woke me up after barely getting any sleep in the first place. He’s having nightmares and I have to be honest… it’s worrying me.
I asked him if he’s good and he said he was, so I won’t press it but it still weighs on me. How are you?
Tell me about you Elli.
I want to know you.
I want you to take my mind away from this place, take me back to California.
I’ll tell you more about me too, so it’s fair.
My middle name is Edward. Raiden Edward Michaels.
I am twenty-eight years old and basically live with my mama, don’t laugh I have my own place but don’t stay at it often.
My favorite color is blue and even though I don’t always get to, I like to read. Something interesting about that is I like to read about history. You can probably guess I like reading about wars in the past, but it’s just tactics I study. What they could have done, what they did and didn’t do.
I know I’m rambling through this email but I just needed to send you something.
I said before, I’m glad you emailed me the first time and I am, because Elli, I think I needed someone to talk to as well.
Will you do me a favor?
Listen to “The Light” by Disturbed. I think you’ll like it. Really listen to the words.
Yours, Raid.
I click send, not really sure if that even made sense.
There’s something about this girl, this incredible woman.
I just feel the constant aching need to reach out to her.
Throwing in the song suggestion at the end was impromptu but I think she’ll get something out of it, maybe understand what I already know about her and what she needs to know about herself.
~Elli~
“Do me a favor? Listen to ‘The Light’ by Disturbed…”
I smirk, interested as to why Raiden is having me listen to a band notorious for their hard beats and deep vocals.
I pop a new tab open in Chrome and YouTube it. The cover looks eerily optimistic for being close to heavy metal.
The beginning has me already feeling uplifted, when the guitar starts, I know I just found my new anthem. This song is amazing. I feel like he’s singing about my life, my fears keeping me blinded.
Raiden gets me.
I bob my head along, following the lyrics on the screen, turning up the volume on my MacBook.
I tap out an email to Raiden, letting the words filter through my ears and right down to pool in my soul, giving me another piece of strength to add to my rapidly growing collection.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Disturbed
Raiden,
Thank you for this, somehow you knew exactly what I needed.
You gonna be my light, Raid?
-E
I smile, pleased with myself and feeling on a total high. It is the perfect mix of being the inspiration and motivation I need to keep moving forward while kicking absolute ass with the guitar and bass.
I buy it in iTunes, and put it on repeat, memorizing the words.
Raiden is my light. Or rather he’s showing me the light I have been missing all this time.
I lean my head back against my pillows and let the vocals wash over me, familiarizing myself with the words and feeling really light.
When it goes on repeat for the third time I look down at my screen and see an email from a certain Marine sitting there waiting for me to open it.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Light
Elli,
I was hoping you would like it, every time I hear it I think of you.
You’re your own light, sweet girl.
-Raid
This man.
This man knows exactly what to say to me.
Now I have a song that I can listen to whenever I want to feel empowered. Something to stave off feeling like a basket case, and one that will remind me of a certain Marine serving overseas.
I certainly want to be my own light, and in some ways, I know that I’m the only one that can pull me out of this funk, but sometimes I wonder…how can I?
How can I pick up and leave Garrett in the past?
I don’t think I will ever be able to move past his monumental impact on my life, he was my everything.
I want to be strong, and sometimes I think I’m doing pretty okay.
But then there are other times that I feel that my broken parts are showing and everyone is staring at them.
I wonder if Raiden likes the strong version I try and project over email, or if he would be okay with the scarred real me.
It’s easy to pretend I’m normal over the computer, maybe forget for a little while that I am merely walking around as half a person. That sometimes the grief over not having Garrett with me is all consuming and I get moody and don’t smile, don’t eat, don’t breathe.
Maybe I should ask him, cut the bullshit. Show him the Elli that not everyone sees, the Elli that is still such a shell of a person that maybe there isn’t anything left at all.
He is so sweet to me, he deserves at least to know the me that I truly am.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Light
Raiden,
To answer your earlier questions, I’m doing better.
My middle name is Avery. Elli Avery Hendricks. Which is Garrett’s last name, my maiden name is Bjorgo.
I am twenty-six years old and I was actually born in Norway, Stavanger to be exact. My family came to California when I was five so I remember being there, and it was beautiful, there’s nothing like it.
But I guess that’s the same with California, it is my second favorite place in the whole world.
Raiden… I know I keep going back and forth between happy and playful, and sad and depressing. But I can be honest with you, right? I have to be.
You make me smile, you should know that. I smile big because of you. But then I feel guilty for smiling because of you and not being torn apart at that moment by the death of my husband.
In some ways, I want to move on so badly, and then in other ways, I feel that there is no way to do it.
I know I must sound so totally fucked up, and I am, I can admit that. But I can tell just talking to you brings out the happy, it is hard to deal with after living as an empty shell for so long, but you bring it out.
That is partially why I struggle so much with it, it’s hard for me to let myself smile, let myself laugh and be happy that someone so far away is taking time out of their day to email me, to call me, to console me…constantly.
I don’t really know what will happen if we keep talking like this, but I think I want to find out. I just ask…be patient with me…please.
Because I think in my darkness, I’m finally seeing some light.
-Elli
Now that it’s all out there in the open, I want to take it back.
I typed it all out so quickly and hit send just as fast.
I knew if I let myself review any of it I wouldn’t get it out.
This had to happen, it had to be said.
I let him know how much he makes
me smile and that scares me.
What scares me more is the thought of him not wanting to talk to me anymore because of the head case I am.
Who would want to take on that kind of baggage…?
God, but I want him to.
There’s something about him that speaks to the secret parts of me that are still able to desire.
After all, I am still a woman, still someone who still secretly yearns to be treated like she matters again. Regarded as someone worth loving and taking a risk on.
I can’t take being broken like this all the time.
I want to be worth it, I want to be something more than a widow.
I stand up and walk over to my mirror, a full-length reflection of Eli looking back at me with ice blue eyes.
I have to be stronger than this. I have my best friend here whenever I need her, and I have someone who calls me sweet girl, oceans away…but he’s there. He comforts me and makes me smile.
I have to be stronger than this.
Steeling my resolve, I swing my gaze to my closet once more.
Taking a fortifying step forward, I open the doors and turn on the light. Seeing the destruction left over from my most recent breakdown, I know what needs to be done. It’s merely a baby step, but it’s a step that needs to be made. It’s been two years, this is just one piece that I think I can let go of, even if I can’t let him go completely I can take back a sliver of control in my life.
I sink to my knees and start folding Garrett’s clothes, bringing some of them up to smell one last time, all the while feeling an innate sense of calm crashing over me, like I can really do this.
Jen pops her head in the door and gasps so loudly I’m surprised she didn’t choke.
“Whatcha doing, girlfriend? You okay?”
She’s cautious, like I’m some sort of feral animal who could snap at any second, which only really does one thing for me. Make my decision that much more concrete.
I need to change, I need to just put my big girl panties on and saddle up, this is my life and I need to be in control, not just skating by pretending to live.
I throw her a smile, a blinding megawatt smile and say, “Yeah babe, can you get me some bags? We need to make a run to the VA.”
I can tell she’s still in shock because she just side eyes me and walks out backward, narrowing her gaze until I can’t see her anymore.
Sigh.
This is right.
I needed to start coming back to myself many moons ago but I guess better late than never, yeah?
I rock back on my heels and go to my sound bar, Bluetooth connecting my phone and start blasting a certain song I can’t get out of my head, turning up the volume loud enough to drown out everything else.
Jen comes back in to help and within an hour, we have all of Garrett’s clothes (minus his Uniforms because I just can’t get rid of those) loaded up in my Mustang and we are speeding toward the VA.
Originally, I didn’t think of going to the VA, I thought maybe just Goodwill or the Salvation Army would suffice, but the more I thought about it, the more the VA called to me. My dad was a Navy SEAL, my granddad a P.T Boat Commander in WWII, and even my grandmother served as a nurse in Pearl Harbor. I have such a strong and proud history of vets in my family that it only makes sense to give back to people that don’t always get treated right. Can you imagine fighting a war for your country and coming back to no job, no benefits, not one single ounce of help when you have already given up so much? It breaks my damn heart. My family had been somewhat lucky that they never had to deal with being treated anything less than they deserved, aside from Garrett.
Veteran’s affairs are so overlooked that it makes me sick, hopefully providing gently used clothing to people that can use them will make their day a little brighter.
I pull into the parking lot at the VA and look over at Jen, twisting in my seat and she’s there, looking right back at me.
“I think I need to start being more involved, Jen.”
She squints. “More involved in….?”
I nod once. “In Veteran’s Affairs, in my life and in moving forward.” I nod once more and cross my arms over my chest, determination set.
~Raiden~
I’m sitting there staring at the screen of a computer, in Iraq, a whole world away from this woman and she is affecting me in such a way I’m surprised she isn’t right here with me.
It’s like she knows exactly what to say to fist punch me right in the heart, steal all my breath and make me ache in a way that feels nothing short of pure agony.
She thinks she’s fucked up… She still blames herself.
She just can’t see, can she?
She can’t see that’s why she feels guilty for talking to me, I mean, fucking hell she feels guilty for smiling?
I know I can’t fix her, but I don’t want to.
I want her to find her way into the light and then let it wash through her, take away all her hurt.
She doesn’t deserve to live in a perpetual hell that was created by someone when they left this world.
I shake my head, knowing I need to get going back to my tent and at least get some sort of sleep before I have to go out and be a soldier.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Here
Elli girl,
I’m here.
-Raid
I hit send and shut down the computer, dragging my feet out of the comm tent.
I look up at those stars again, letting myself wish that this whole situation was different. Why couldn’t I be wanting a woman who wasn’t so scared to let herself want again, let herself live again.
Why do I even feel like this for her? I reach down into my pocket and pull out her picture, her smile warming my heart, how beautiful she is. I can’t be her hero because she needs to be a hero for herself, but I can do my best to protect her from any more pain and anguish…
Assuming I even get to see her when I come off tour.
This could all just be a fantasy between a sweet broken woman and a soldier overseas. I take in her soft features, her blonde hair, her icy blue eyes so like mine but so much more feminine.
Where I’m all dark, she’s all light. Her nose small, her lips just a little pouty and entirely kissable. A set of lips I’d love nothing more than to take in between my teeth and run my tongue over...
Jesus, what am I even thinking?
Staring down at the situation rising in my pants, becoming more painful by the minute, I realize two things. I am very attracted to Eli, and I am a very long way away from her. I walk back to my tent and drop onto my cot, exhausted, horny and wishing that California was a fuck of a lot closer.
“Good shootin’ out there, Michaels! You saved our asses today, man!” Gage shouts my way, as I’m shuffling my aching feet back toward mine and Weston’s tent.
“I got you, brother!” I yell back, dipping my sand and sweat soaked head into what we call home over here.
I shrug off my gear and strip down, a shower the only thing on my mind.
I get done, finally washing off the day, glad as shit we all made it back to base in one piece, another day down and no one died, it’s a good day.
I head into the comm tent, another ritual I’ve started, checking my email every chance I get, which I’ll admit, is exhausting.
My drive to talk to Elli every chance I get is entirely insatiable, a craving I suddenly formed and can’t seem to kick, like I even want to.
I have three emails waiting for me from Elli, which both makes me unbelievably happy and unsettles me at the same time, I hope everything’s good with her.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: VA
Hi,
I want to apologize for my last email, Raid…I kind of had to get that all out there at once and I hope that it didn’t scare you...
I feel more alive talking to you than I have in tw
o years, and I just… I don’t know I just want to be completely transparent with you.
SO, after I sent that last email I had a little epiphany and I neatly folded all of Garrett’s clothes and took them to the VA, where I am pleased to tell you I now work.
I also forgot to mention I’m a paramedic, well I was before all of…that went down.
Anyway, they’re letting me do intake and vitals on their patients who come through there, vets coming in for check-ups and such, which honestly makes me really happy. I needed to be doing something other than wallowing.
Stay safe,
-Eli
I lean back, a huge smile on my face, almost taking up the whole of it.
Go Eli!
A complete one-eighty from her last email, I’m pleased she’s doing this for herself and she seems so happy, bonus.
It’s incredibly sexy she’s a paramedic, I thought she was hot before, but now it’s like a whole different level of smoking.
Just imagining her in her little uniform, racing around, high on adrenaline…my cock pulses, desperately needing attention.
Yeah, I know buddy.
I click to open her second email, one that by the looks of it, she only sent about twenty minutes ago.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hyper
Raiden,
I just had the BEST DAY and I couldn’t wait to message you about it. You were the first person I wanted to tell.
I met five people today who truly touched me, it made my whole week just being able to talk with them and hear their stories.
I think everyone needs this kind of support, people willing to listen to them and really hear them.
I hope you’re doing okay over there, I miss being able to IM you, you must be out in the field a lot, you better be staying safe. *Picture a grumpy face*
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