“Two hundred thousand dollars,” said Zab.
“Reasonable,” commented Fred. “What’s the breakdown?”
“One hundred thousand for materials, one hundred thousand for labor.”
“Okay,” said Fred, jotting down the bid and showing him to the door, “I’ll get back to you.”
The next interview was with Gennaro Rossellini of Fratelli Rossellini, who came up with a four-hundred-thousand-dollar bid. “Half for labor, half for materials,” he explained.
“That’s a little high,” admitted Fred, “but I’ll get back to you.” The third bid came in from Ben Cohen of Cohen Construction. Calculating quickly, he offered, “Six hundred thousand dollars.”
“Jesus, that’s high,” exclaimed Fred. “Could you break that down for me?”
“You bet. Two hundred grand for me, two hundred grand for you, and two hundred grand for Zab.”
How can you tell when a female WASP is experiencing an orgasm?
She uncrosses her legs.
Mrs. Hildebrand instructed each of her second graders to use the word “choo-choo” in a sentence.
Little Jennifer said, “The choo-choo pulled into the station right on schedule.”
Little Leroy said, “De choo-choo is goin’ too fast.”
Little José said, “You touch my Chevy an’ I’ll choo-choo.”
What’s furry and generates enough smoke to melt an iceberg?
An Eskimo in heat.
What do you call a skinny WASP?
A WISP.
It so happened that Myron and Vinnie came of age at the same time. From his father, Vinnie received a brand-new handgun, while at his bar mitzvah on the other side of town, Myron’s father strapped a beautiful gold watch on his wrist. The next day after school, Vinnie was full of admiration for the watch, while Myron was consumed with envy after one glance at the pistol. So the two friends decided to trade gifts.
That night when Vinnie checked to see whether it was dinnertime, his father asked, “Where’d you get thatta watch?” And on hearing the story, he exploded. “Whatsa matter wid’ yous? Here I am t’inkin’ you gotta some brains in your head.”
Vinnie looked frankly confused, so his father explained that some day Vinnie would probably get married. “An’ somma day,” he went on, “yous gonna find her in bed wit’ another guy. An’ whatta you gonna do then—look atta you watch and say, ‘How long you gonna be?’”
Why did God create armadillos?
So Mexicans would have something to eat on the half shell.
What does a WASP do when his car breaks down?
Calls the nearest Chevrolet dealership.
What does a Mormon do when his car breaks down?
Calls the nearest Cadillac dealership.
And what does a Jew do when his car breaks down?
Puts a “For Sale” sign in the window and takes a cab to the nearest Hilton.
They have a new poster out to build Australian pride.
It says: “Australia—Land of Strong Men (and Nervous Sheep).”
Seen the Canadian bumper sticker?
It says, “I’d Rather Be Driving.”
What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A Manila folder.
Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive young woman washed up on the beach near St. Tropez. The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the coroner’s office, and when he came back, he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at it as hard as he could.
“Pierre, Pierre!” shouted the gendarme. “That woman . . . she is dead!”
“Dead!” howled Pierre, jumping up. “Sacre bleu—I took her for an American!”
During the war, I was hidden by an Italian couple in their basement. Of course, that was South Philly.
—NORM CROSBY
Did you hear about the guy who was half Polish and half Italian?
He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.
Hear about the disadvantaged WASP?
He grew up with a black-and-white TV.
What does the bride of a Russian man get on her wedding night that’s long and hard?
A new last name.
How many Italians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to shoot the witnesses.
What’s a WASP’s idea of mass transit?
The ferry to Martha’s Vineyard.
How do you get twenty Argentinians in a phone booth?
Let them think they own it.
I know an Italian man who married an Irish woman. Their son wanted to commit a crime, but he couldn’t because he was too drunk.
—NORM CROSBY
A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the distance a fine-looking young lassie. After building up as much courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her if she would like to dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances, he looks her straight in the eye and says, “Can I smell your pussy?” to which she, not altogether unsurprisingly, replies, “You certainly cannot!”
He nonchalantly turns to her and says, “Oh, it must be your feet then.”
Why does an Englishman close his eyes when he has sex?
Because he doesn’t like to see a woman disappointed!
Why does an Australian man close his eyes when he has sex?
Because he doesn’t like to see a woman enjoy herself!
Hear about the Newfie who was killed while ice fishing? Got run over by the Zamboni!
A Newfie comes up to the bar and orders five shots of whiskey. As he sets them up, the bartender asks what he is celebrating.
The Newfie replies that he just got his first blow job.
“Hey, that’s great,” says the bartender. “Let me buy you one, too.”
“No thanks,” says the Newfie. “If five don’t kill the taste, nothing will!”
What would be the definition of a European heaven?
A Europe where the Italians are the lovers, the French are the cooks, the British are the policemen, and the Germans are the engineers. [Every nation doing a job that they are good at.]
In that case, what would be the definition of a European hell?
A Europe where the Italians are the engineers, the French are the lovers, the British are the cooks, and the Germans are the policemen.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
An Italian lady’s husband needs an operation, and she can’t afford it. They tell her, “Mrs. Rigatoni, we have a television show called Medic. If you let us operate on your husband on television, you’ll get the operation for free, plus we’ll pay you.”
She says, “But I got-a no clothes to wear on-a the TV.” So they take her out and they buy her a few new dresses. On the big night, she gets made up and gets her hair done. She gets interviewed on the show before the operation, and after the show, they come backstage to see her.
One of the doctors says, “Mrs. Rigatoni, I’m very sorry, but your husband passed away during the operation.”
She says, “’Atsa show biz.”
This guy wanted to marry a lady from the old country, but the old country had a law that you have to be from the old country to marry someone from there, so, in other words, he’d have to have 50 percent of his brain removed. He goes to his doctor and says, “I’ve just got to marry this woman, I love her so much. . . .”
So the doctor says, “Well, it’s risky, but okay.” So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure. Later, when the guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, “We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed seventy-five percent of your brain instead of fifty percent.”
The guy looks up and says, “I object, Your Honor!”
Every time an Indian walks into the chief’s teepee, he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this
is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.
One day, one of the Indians walks in and there’s the chief masturbating again. He says, “Chief, what you doing? We fix you up with beautiful woman.”
The chief says, “Her arm get-um tired.”
Horowitz and Shmolowitz are on a camel, traveling through the desert. They are dying of thirst, and finally they come to an oasis.
Horowitz and Shmolowitz drink at a water hole, but the camel refuses to take a drink.
Horowitz says, “I’ve got an idea. You hold the camel’s head under water, and I’ll suck on his rear end and try to draw some water up into his mouth.”
Shmolowitz dunks the camel’s head under the water and Horowitz starts sucking like mad.
After a few minutes, Horowitz yells, “Raise his head a little. All I’m getting is mud from the bottom.”
What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.
What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse’s ass?
A mechanic.
How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
What’s the Irish version of a queer?
Someone who prefers women to liquor.
What are the two biggest lies in Poland?
“The check is in your mouth” and “I won’t come in the mail.”
I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic. ’Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, “He’s got a Latin temper.” But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, “That guy’s a jerk.”
—JIM GAFFIGAN
Why can’t we have racism that’s ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes about race that are positive. You could say, “‘Those Chinese people, they can fly!’ ‘You know about the Puerto Ricans . . . they’re made of candy!’”
—LOUIS C.K.
It is cold outside. The other night, I came home and my wife was sitting in front of the fire, curled up with an Afghan, so I grabbed his beard and started beating him with his sandals.
—TOM COTTER
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward?
He’s the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan.
There were three guys traveling in Africa: a Frenchman, a Japanese, and an American. They are captured by a tribe of fierce headhunters.
The witch doctor says to them, “We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some comfort in the fact that we don’t believe in waste here, and that therefore every part of your body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of your hair, we will render your bones for glue, and we will tan your skin and stretch it over wooden frames for canoes. Now we are going to allow you an honorable death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words before killing yourselves.”
The Japanese guy yells, “Banzai!” and commits hara-kiri.
The French guy yells, “Vive la France!” and slits his throat.
Then the American guy takes the knife, pokes holes all over his body, and yells, “There’s your fucking canoe!”
A black guy, a Jewish guy, and a redneck are working digging a ditch. The black guy’s shovel hits something, he picks it up, and it’s a lamp. He starts to rub the dirt off and a genie comes out.
The genie goes, “Arggh! I will give you each one wish.”
The black guy says, “I want my own country, where the brothers and sisters can live in peace and harmony in freedom forever.”
The genie says, “Done.”
He says to the Jew, “What about you?”
The Jew says, “I want my own country, so the Jews can live in peace and harmony with no persecution forever and ever.”
The genie says, “Done.”
Then the genie says to the redneck, “What about you?”
The redneck says, “Now let me get this straight. The blacks are all gonna live in their own country, and the Jews are all gonna live in their own country?”
The genie says, “That’s right.”
The redneck says, “Fuck it. I’ll take a Diet Coke.”
I was reading the New York Times and there was an article saying there is now proof that Jesus was Irish. The researcher, Dr. Melanie Leahy, said the proof was “indelible and unreproachable.”
She said the facts are:
1. He lived with his parents until he was twenty-nine.
2. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.
3. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, the good woman, God bless her, thought he was God.
Did you hear the latest about the fighting on the West Bank? Italy surrendered.
Man: Let me have some grits and an RC.
Guy behind the counter: You must be from Georgia.
Man: What the hell kinda stereotypical remark is that? If I walked in here and asked for a sausage, would you think I was Polish?
Guy: No.
Man: If I walked in here and asked for some chow mein, would you think I was Chinese?
Guy: No.
Man: If I walked in here and asked for some pizza, would you think I was Italian?
Guy: No.
Man: Then why in the hell do you think I’m from Georgia?
Guy: Because this is a hardware store.
What’s the Cuban national anthem?
“Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro Sink-o
How about the Mexican midget who committed suicide?
He hung himself from the rear-view mirror.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are stranded on a desert island. One morning after a storm, they find an old sealed bottle on the beach. They open it and a huge genie flies out and says, “Oh, masters, thank you for letting me out of prison! I’ve been there for far too long. Because I am so grateful, I will fulfill two wishes for each of you!”
The Englishman says, “I want to be filthy rich and I want to go home.”
The genie grants his wishes and he is gone.
The Frenchman says, “I want to have lots of women who adore me and I also want to go home.”
The genie grants his wishes and he is gone.
The Russian grows very sad and says pensively, “Why, weren’t they good company! I wish for an unlimited supply of vodka and . . . I want both of them back!”
The bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say: “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one-a more.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola-downa, lady,” said the man. “Imma justa teachin’ my fren’ howa to spella Mississippi.”
Did you hear about the summer camp in the Adirondacks for Native American kids?
It’s called Camp Shapiro.
A little Italian grandfather comes up to customs. The customs official says, “Have you got anything to declare?” He thinks a second and he says, “It’s a nice-a day!”
Experience
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
—MARK TWAIN
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it—and stop there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again—and that is well, but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
—MARK TWAIN
Do you know the difference between education and experience?
Education is when you read the fine print; experien
ce is what you get when you don’t.
—PETE SEEGER
It’s said that Tom Watson, head of IBM, was asked if he was going to fire an employee whose recent mistake had cost the company six hundred thousand dollars. Watson shook his head, and explained, “I just spent six hundred thousand dollars training him. Why would I want anyone else to hire his experience?”
Experience: a comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
—JUDITH STERN
What did one lab rat say to the other?
“I’ve got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.”
The personnel director was interviewing a job applicant. “Given that you have no experience whatsoever in this field, you’re asking for an awfully high salary,” she pointed out.
“I suppose so,” replied the applicant, “but think how much harder the work’s going to be if I don’t know anything about it.”
Farmer Bob was returning from town with his cow, Missy, and his dog, Rusty, in the pan of his truck. On a really slick section of hillside, with a steep drop of a couple of hundred feet, he lost control of his truck and plummeted over the side. As the truck rolled over several times, the dog and cow were thrown down the slope. All were alive, but the farmer, unfortunately, was beneath the truck and in severe pain with a broken leg, several cracked ribs, and a broken wrist and arm.
By and by, a state trooper came along. Treading his way carefully down the slope, he came upon the cow first. She had suffered a broken leg. Knowing how much pain she was in, the trooper took out his gun and put Missy out of her misery. He proceeded down the slope and came across Rusty, crawling along, dragging his two broken legs. He had been hit pretty hard. Again, the state trooper unholstered his gun and did the kindest thing.
He then continued on to Farmer Bob. The trooper stared down at him and said, “Are you in much pain, sir?”
To which Farmer Bob, eyeing the gun on the trooper’s hip, replied instantaneously, “Never felt better, sir!”
In the days when tall wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, “Enemy ship on the horizon.”
The captain said to his ensign, “Get me my red shirt.”
The ensign, rather bewildered by this odd request, did as his captain ordered.
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 14
