After a while, he starts to feel nauseous as well. He tries and tries to hold it in, but then “Aaarrgghh!!”—he throws up all over the Arab and his beautiful garment. He thinks, Oh, no! Now he’s gonna kill me! and sits there in nervous apprehension, waiting for the Arab to wake up.
Finally, the Arab wakes up and finds this vomit all over him. Mr. Rosenberg says to him, “Well, do you feel better now?”
Did you hear that Alitalia and El Al were merging to form a new airline?
It’s going to be called Well I’ll Tell Ya. . . .
Ever been frisked on a plane trip? They frisk you and then, on the plane, everybody has a steak knife!
—SHELLEY BERMAN
Frequent flier miles are the business traveler’s equivalent of combat pay.
Too bad about the kamikaze pilots. They had to do all their bragging ahead of time.
—TOMMY SLEDGE
Food
Two elderly women are at a Catskills mountain resort and one of them says, “Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah, and such small portions.”
—ALVY, IN ANNIE HALL, SCREENPLAY BY
WOODY ALLEN AND MARSHALL BRICKMAN
A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender, and ordered a tall, cold beer. The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t sell you that drink.” The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, “I’m over twenty-one. Why can’t you sell me a drink?” After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
—FRAN LEBOWITZ
We got so much food in America, we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!
—CHRIS ROCK
I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said “Fuck it. Cut ’em up! We can play tennis later.
—MITCH HEDBERG
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded . . . dead.
—WOODY ALLEN
In a store, I saw that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar stuff. What’s the point to that? I’m lazy but… I want to meet the guy who needs that. “I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.”
—BRIAN REGAN
Foreign Countries
Canada
Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.
—RICHARD BENNER
What’s a WASP’s idea of open-mindedness?
Dating a Canadian.
What do you call a witty man in Canada?
A tourist.
China
Why are the Chinese such bad drivers?
No peripheral vision.
When the president visited Beijing, the zoo was one of the highlights of his tour. The premier proudly showed him to the grand cage housing a giant panda and a little lamb. “This is our peaceful coexistence exhibit,” he explained proudly.
The president was most impressed. “It certainly seems to work well,” he commented politely.
“It does, it does,” the premier assured him. “Of course, we have to put in a new lamb every morning.”
What’s the worst thing about massacring a thousand Chinese students? An hour later, you feel like massacring a thousand more.
England
I say help the British! If it weren’t for them, we’d be talking some language we couldn’t understand.
—BO BROWN
The English think incompetence is the same thing as sincerity.
—QUENTIN CRISP
There’s an old song to the effect that the sun never sets on the British Empire. Well, while we were there, it never even rose.
—RING LARDNER
I’m married to an English guy. He’s a typical English guy. He’s very reserved. In fact, it wasn’t until after we were married that I actually knew he wanted to go out with me.
—KIT HOLLERBACH
It’s spring in England. I missed it last year. I was in the bathroom.
—MICHAEL FLANDERS
One afternoon the red phone on Prime Minister Thatcher’s desk rang.
Gorbachev was on the line, asking an urgent favor. “The AIDS virus has reached the USSR, and we are suffering from an acute condom shortage. In fact,” the premier confessed, “there are none at all to be had in the Moscow pharmacies. Would it be possible for you to ship me eight hundred and fifty thousand condoms—immediately—so that we can deal with this public health threat?”
“Why, certainly, Mikhail,” replied Mrs. Thatcher graciously. “Will Friday do?”
“That would be wonderful,” sighed the Russian in evident relief. “Oh, and Maggie, one specification: they must be five inches around and nine inches long.”
“No problem at all,” the prime minister assured him breezily. Hanging up, she had her secretary get the managing director of the largest condom manufacturer in Great Britain on the line. He informed her that a rush order to those specifications would be no problem for his assembly line.
“Excellent, excellent,” chirped Thatcher. “Now just two more things . . .”
“Yes, Madam?”
“On the condoms must be printed, ‘Made in Great Britain,’” Thatcher instructed.
“But of course,” the industrialist assured her.
“And ‘Medium.’”
The sun never sets on the British Empire because God doesn’t trust the Brits in the dark.
What does an English woman say after sex?
“Feel better now, ducky?”
When I meet an Englishman and he speaks with that funny accent, I’d never say, “You’re a liar.” But . . . I believe that if you wake an Englishman in the middle of the night, he’ll speak just like us.
—MILT KAMEN
Ireland
The problem with Ireland is that it’s a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent.
—HUGH LEONARD
What do you call a member of the Irish Republican Army who only carries a snubnosed thirty-eight and a switchblade?
A pacifist.
What do the Irish say during foreplay?
“Brace yourself, Bridget.”
A leprechaun is an Irish fairy that grants you three wishes if you grant him one.
—MILTON BERLE
What’s an Irishman’s idea of a seven-course meal?
A six pack and a potato.
France
The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He was intently studying the array of lacy underthings when the salesclerk bustled over to him.
“Do you have something in mind, Monsieur?” she asked.
“I certainly do, ma’am,” the American emphatically replied. “That’s why I want a nice gift.”
An American couple is in Paris on a long-awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there since they had looked forward to their visit to France for many years.
All arrangements are made, when he suddenly realizes that he doesn’t have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a “chapeau noir.” So off he goes to find a store that is open late.
First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, “M’sieur, ou pou-vais-je acheter un capeau noir?”
The policeman is a bit surprised since the American has asked where he can buy a black condom, but, after thinking a bit, he gives our friend directions. The store—if that is what it is—looks a little seedy and rundown, but the man behind the counter looks friendly, so in goes the American and says, “M’sieur, je veux acheter un
capeau noir.”
“Mais, monsieur, j’ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noire.” After explaining that he has red, white, and brown condoms, but no black condoms, the man asks the American why he wants a black condom, “Pourquoi avez vous besoin d’un capeau noir?”
“Ma femme est morte.”
After the American says that his wife is dead, the man exclaims, “O, Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!— What a beautiful sentiment!”
Two Frenchmen were strolling along a boulevard, when one of them gasped, “Mon Dieu— here come my wife and my mistress!”
“Sacre bleu!” exclaimed his friend. “I was about to say the same thing.”
Germany
Did you hear about the German-Chinese restaurant?
An hour after you eat, you’re hungry for power.
A German call girl—what a frightening thought. Like, when she calls, you listen!
What is the German word for constipation?
FarFromPoopen
Israel
What’s the difference between an Israelite and an Israeli?
About thirty calories.
Is it true that if you get lost in the desert in Israel, you’re rescued by a big dog carrying a keg of seltzer?
Abbreviations mean different things in different countries. A sign in front of an American motel saying “TV” means television. In Israel, it means “Tourists Velcome.”
Heard about the Japanese-Jewish restaurant?
It’s called So-Sue-Me.
How many WASPs does it take to plan a trip to Israel?
Two. One to ask where, and one to ask why.
Japan
If the Japanese are such technological giants, why do they still eat with sticks?
I just bought a rather unusual tree. Twenty-four feet high, cost a fortune. It’s a bonsai sequoia.
A prosperous Japanese businessman visited England and had such a pleasant stay that he decided to return the following year. This time, however, it was his bad luck to hand over his two thousand yen to a particularly rude and harried clerk at the foreign exchange desk in the airport.
Counting the money the clerk had shoved through the grill, the Japanese protested in heavily accented English, “Last time I get two hundred British pounds. Now only one hundred and forty.”
“Fluctuations,” said the clerk tersely, motioning to the next customer.
The indignant Japanese drew himself up to his full five feet and snapped, “Fuck you British, too!”
If a Japanese man is late, he has to kill himself. It means he has a cheap watch.
Russia
A passerby watched the progress of two workmen on a Leningrad street. One stopped every twenty feet to dig a hole, the second filled it in as soon as he was done, and they moved on to the next site. Finally, overcome by curiosity, the observer asked what in heaven’s name they were doing. “You certainly aren’t accomplishing anything,” she pointed out.
“You don’t understand at all,” protested one worker indignantly. “We are usually a team of three: I dig the hole, Sergei plants the tree, and Vladimir packs the dirt back in. Today Sergei is home with the flu, but that doesn’t mean Vladimir and I get to stop working, does it?”
First Russian: Hear the terrible news? The coach of our Olympic skiing team died after they lost the gold medal to the Americans.
Second Russian: Nyet! When did he die?
First Russian: Tomorrow.
I have read about those Russian tractor factories where vodka-sodden workers fulfill their monthly quota in a frantic last-minute push that can succeed only if they attach the transmission with Scotch tape. Why have I always taken it for granted that those goofballs would be so good at annihilating continents?
—CALVIN TRILLIN
At the Congress of Nations, a dispute broke out about the nationality of Adam and Eve.
“They were English,” stated the British delegate, “because only an Englishman would have been such a gentleman as to give his own rib to make a woman.”
“Mais non!” protested the French delegate. “Look at Adam’s elegance, even nude. He was a Frenchman.”
The Israeli delegate demurred, pointing out that the Bible clearly stated that the Creation occurred in the Holy Land. “So Adam and Eve were of the Chosen People; they were Jews.”
The Rumanian shook his head. “Adam and Eve could only have been Russian,” he maintained, “because only a Russian could eat so poorly, dress so badly, and still call it Paradise.”
A Russian official came up to a factory worker and said, “If you drank a shot of vodka, could you still work?”
The worker said, “I think I could.”
Then the Russian official said, “If you drank five shots of vodka, could you work?”
And the worker said, “Well, I’m here, aren’t I?”
—YAKOV SMIRNOFF
Mrs. Gorbachev is the only wife of a Russian leader to weigh less than he does.
—MARK RUSSELL
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light-bulbs.
Stalin was giving a speech in a small auditorium. During a pause, someone in the audience sneezed.
Looking up from his notes, Stalin asked, “Who sneezed?”
No one answered. Stalin ordered the guards to escort the last three rows of people outside, where they are executed.
Stalin then asked, “Now, who sneezed?”
Again, no one answered. Again, Stalin ordered the guards to escort the people in the last three rows outside. Shots are heard.
Again, Stalin asked, “Now! “Who sneezed?”
A small, bespectacled man in the second row raised his hand and said, “Um, I did, Comrade.”
To which Stalin replied, “Bless you.”
Friendship
Nothing screams, “Welcome for one night,” like the inflatable mattress. “Hey, I threw a sheet on a pool raft. Hope you like it.”
—GREG FITZSIMMONS
Little old lady: Why are you sitting here all by yourself, little boy? Haven’t you anyone to play with?
Little boy: Yes, I have one friend—but I hate him.
Benjamin Franklin said, “Fish and visitors smell in three days,” but old friends from college usually smell already.
—P. J. O’ROURKE
Poor Hackley—half his friends deserted him the day he lost his money. The rest left as soon as they found out.
Luigi and Marco had been friends since kindergarten, and remained inseparable throughout their childhood. And when Luigi finally decided to get married, the old friends decided to make a night of it.
At the reception the booze flowed like water, the band played on, and it was well past midnight when Luigi realized he hadn’t seen his wife or Marco for quite some time. Staggering around, he finally found his bride and his best friend energetically screwing on a couch upstairs.
The groom gazed at the oblivious couple for a few moments, and then burst into laughter so hysterical that the noise brought several members of his family running.
Taking in the scene, his father asked, “What the hell’s so goddamn funny?”
“That Marco,” said Luigi, wiping the tears of laughter off his cheek, “he’s so drunk he thinks he’s me.”
He’s really a wonderful guy. Why, if I asked him to, he’d give me the shirt off his back. After all, it’s mine.
Funerals
Two Scotsmen were avid golfers and had played together every Thursday for many years. The sixth tee was near the road that led to the local cemetery.
One day, as they reached that particular tee, a funeral passed by, and old Hamish turned and raised his club in salute.
“Mon,” exclaimed Hector, “in all these years we’ve been a-playing this course, and that’s the first time I’ve seen ye paying any respect for the dead.”
“Aye, weel,” explained Hamish, “when you
have been married to a woman for forty years, she’s entitled to a wee bit of respect.”
My uncle invented the solar-powered funeral home. He’s got basic solar technology, big solar panels on the roof; the sun beats down, it heats up the panels. Trouble is, he can’t cremate, he can only poach.
—HEYWOOD BANKS
An anthropologist had been studying an obscure Thai hill tribe when he contracted a particularly virulent case of jungle rot and was dead in a week. His heartbroken widow accompanied the casket back to Milwaukee, where she invited his three best friends to attend an intimate funeral. When the brief service was over, she asked each of the friends to place an offering in the casket, as had been the custom of the tribe he had been living with. “It would mean a great deal to Herbie,” she said, then broke down into racking sobs.
Moved to tears himself, the first friend, a doctor, gently deposited a hundred dollars in the coffin.
Dabbing his cheeks, the second friend, a stockbroker, laid one hundred and fifty dollars on the deceased Herbie’s pillow.
The third friend, a lawyer, wrote a check for four hundred and fifty dollars, put it in the casket, and pocketed the cash.
The businesswoman ordered a fancy floral arrangement for the grand opening of her new outlet, and she was furious when it arrived adorned with a ribbon that read, “May You Rest in Peace.”
Apologizing profusely, the florist finally got her to calm down with the reminder that in some funeral home stood an arrangement bearing the words “Good Luck in Your New Location.”
You give the people what they want, they’ll turn out.
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 17
