First guy: I’ve got a big problem. I’m married to a wonderful cook, a marvelous lover, and the best-looking woman in town.
Second guy: So what’s the problem?
First guy: Having more than one wife is illegal.
Are you living a life of quiet desperation, or are you married?
One time, Billy was in Chicago to speak, and there was a problem with the hotels because there was a big convention in town. And he was with his assistant, Lacy. All the rooms were booked and there was only one room left, but it had two beds in it and they decided to share the room.
Lacy said, “You know, Billy, I’m cold.”
And Billy said, “Well, Lacy, how’d you like to be Mrs. Crystal for the night?”
She said, “I’d love to be Mrs. Crystal for the night.”
And Billy said, “Then get up and shut the fuckin’ window.”
—JIM BELUSHI, ABOUT BILLY CRYSTAL
My parents want me to get married. They don’t care who anymore, as long as he doesn’t have a pierced ear, that’s all they think about. I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
—RITA RUDNER
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
—HENNY YOUNGMAN
Marriage is not a man’s idea. A woman must have thought of it. Years ago some guy said, “Let me get this straight, honey. I can’t sleep with anyone else for the rest of my life, and if things don’t work, you get to keep half my stuff? “What a great idea.”
—BOBBY SLAYTON
Extramarital sex is as overrated as premarital sex. And marital sex, come to think of it.
—SIMON GRAY
Harry was stunned to come home from work one evening and find his wife stuffing all her belongings into a suitcase. “What on earth are you doing?” he cried.
“I can’t stand it anymore!” she shrieked. “Thirty-two years we’ve been married, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other. I’m leaving!”
Stunned, Harry watched his wife close the suitcase, lug it down the stairs, and proceed to walk out of the house . . . out of his life.
Suddenly, he was galvanized into action. Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife, “Sylvia, you’re right, you’re absolutely right—and I can’t bear it either. Wait a minute, and I’ll go with you.”
It is difficult to tell who gives some couples the most happiness, the minister who marries them or the judge who divorces them.
—MARY WILSON LITTLE
The other night I said to my wife, “Do you feel that the sex and excitement have gone out of our marriage?”
She said, “I’ll discuss it with you during the next commercial.”
—MILTON BERLE
The newlyweds were married for five days. He turns to her and says, “Honey, we’re gonna make love a new way tonight. We’re gonna lie back to back.”
She says, “How can that be any fun?”
He says, “I’ve invited another couple.”
—WOODY WOODBURY
I hate singles bars. Guys come up to me and say, “Hey, cupcake, can I buy you a drink?”
I say, “No, but I’ll take the three bucks.”
—MARGARET SMITH
The wise old man pointed out that it was impossible to judge the happiness of a married couple from observation alone. “Some couples hold hands because, if they let go, they’re afraid they’d kill each other.”
One day a farmer went out to the barn to feed his cow. As he was pouring the food into the cow’s trough, the cow kicked it over, spilling feed everywhere.
“That’s one,” said the farmer.
The next day, the cow knocked down a fence the farmer had spent two weeks repairing.
“That’s two,” warned the farmer.
The following morning, while the farmer was milking the cow, it knocked the bucket over, spilling milk all over the ground.
“That’s three,” said the farmer, and he got his shotgun and shot the cow through the head.
His wife heard the gun blast and ran out to the barn. “Why the hell did you kill the cow?” she yelled when she saw the dead cow and her husband with a smoking shotgun in his hands.
“That’s one,” he said.
President and Mrs. Coolidge once visited a state fair, where the prize rooster was brought to Mrs. Coolidge’s attention. “This here rooster does his duty up to eight times a day, ma’am,” the proud owner informed her.
The first lady’s eyes opened wide. “Please see to it that that piece of information reaches the president,” she instructed crisply.
Not long after, the president’s party passed through the poultry barn, and the rooster’s owner dutifully informed Coolidge of the bird’s prowess.
“Eight times a day, eh?” the president marveled. “With the same hen?”
“No sir—with a different hen each time.”
“Pass that on to Mrs. Coolidge!”
Marriage, as far as I’m concerned, is one of the most wonderful, heartwarming, satisfying experiences a human being can have. I’ve only been married seventeen years, so I haven’t seen that side of it yet.
—GEORGE GOBEL
How does a WASP propose marriage?
He asks, “How would you like to be buried with my people?”
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
—SCOTTISH PROVERB
Thoroughly fed up with his wife’s incessant pissing and moaning, Joe finally agreed to accompany her to a meeting with her therapist. Once there, he made his reluctance quite clear, along with the fact that he had no idea how she found so much to complain about all the time.
“Well, Mr. Johnson,” the therapist pointed out gently, “it is customary for married people to have sexual intercourse regularly, even frequently. Mrs. Johnson tells me that even on the nights when you don’t fall asleep in front of the TV, you never respond in any way to her sexual advances.”
“Yeah, well, so?” Joe scratched his head. “So whaddaya recommend?”
“Well, a reasonable minimum might be sexual intercourse at least twice a week,” suggested the counselor.
“Twice a week, huh?” grunted Joe, thinking it over. “Okay, I could drop her off on Mondays—but on Fridays she’s gotta take the bus.”
Listening to Winston Churchill expound at length on his political opinions, Lady Astor grew more and more furious. Finally, unable to contain herself, she snapped, “If you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.”
“And if I were your husband,” returned Churchill, “I’d drink it.”
A marriage license costs ten dollars down, and your income for life.
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy’s in the bathroom. As Jimmy’s getting undressed, he says to himself, “How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world’s smelliest feet?” Then he throws his socks under the bed.
Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and goes into the bathroom.
Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, “How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world’s worst breath? I’ve got to tell him.” Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, “Honey, I’ve got to tell you something.”
Jimmy says, “Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks.”
A girl brings her boyfriend over to her house so that he can meet her parents. They’re sitting on the couch when her parents walk in. He’s got a surprise question to ask them, which even surprises her. He wants to marry her. He is nervous, and says to her father, “Sir, may I have your daughter’s hole in handy matrimony?”
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nbsp; A lady says to her husband, “Arnie, I want breast implants.”
He says, “We can’t afford it. Go grab a wad of toilet paper and rub it up and down between your tits.”
She says, “Will it make them bigger?”
He says, “It worked on your ass.”
Besides “I love you,” what three words does a wife want to hear most?
“I’ll fix it.”
What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
A couple are celebrating their twentieth anniversary in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon. They’re even in the same room, on the same bed.
She says, “Harry . . . what were you thinking twenty years ago on this night?”
He says, “I was thinking I’d like to fuck your brains out.”
She says, “What are you thinking now?”
He says, “I think I did it.”
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life, he should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living, so he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was coming up to die.”
She laughed and replied, “I was coming down to kill you!”
A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store.
The salesman says, “I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster.”
The guy says, “Nah.”
The salesman says, “But it gives great head.”
The guy takes it home.
His wife screams, “What the hell is that thing?”
He says, “Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out.”
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo. . . .
A guy goes to buy a train ticket and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs. He says, “Give me two pickets to Titsburgh . . . umm . . . I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh.” He’s really embarrassed.
The guy in line behind him says, “Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, ‘Please pass the sugar,’ but I accidentally said, You fucking bitch, ‘you wrecked my life.’”
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
Marriage is the only sport that requires the trapped animal to buy the license.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
A honeymoon should be like a table . . . four bare legs and no drawers.
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A smart husband buys his wife fine china so she won’t trust him to wash it.
Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn’t know the first thing about women or fractions.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You’ll never need to do it by hand again.
A best man’s speech should be like a miniskirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
If love is blind, then marriage is a real eye-opener!
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it’s curtains!
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now, I don’t think that’s too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?
I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!
My wife submits and I obey.
She always lets me have her way.
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Sorry I cannot be at the wedding . . . please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.
Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He’s the silent one.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
She’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
—OSCAR LEVANT TO HARPO MARX UPON MEETING HARPO’S FIANCéE
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.
One of the reasons ballet is so popular today is that married men are able to watch a number of ladies who for more than two hours never say a word!
I wouldn’t say that my wife is cold, but every time she opens her mouth, a little light comes on inside.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other woman responded, “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Marriage is grand, divorce is about ten grand.
As was common, the baseball player and his wife got into a nasty quarrel at breakfast. “You’re not good in bed either,” yelled the husband.
“Oh, like you’re Don Juan,” his wife replied sarcastically.
“You keep up that language and you’re asking for trouble,” shouted the husband.
“What are you going to do, try to hit me?”
“If that’s what it takes,” said the baseball player.
“Listen, superstar, you couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!”
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
There are two lines for men waiting to enter the pearly gates of heaven. One line is marked for men who have been dominated by their wives. The line is huge and extends for miles and miles. The second line is marked for men who have dominated their wives. In that line is standing one meek-looking man. St. Peter walks up to the man and says, “Excuse me, are you supposed to be in this line?” And the little old man responded, “I think so. My wife told me to stand here.”
After paying for a wedding, all a father has left to give away is the bride.
Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.
Masturbation
A recent poll disclosed the fact that 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower. The other 10 percent sing. Do you know what they sing?
You say you don’t know? I didn’t think so. . . .
Do you hear about the young boy whose mother cau
ght him jerking off in the bathroom?
She told him to stop because he’d go blind . . . and he asked if he could keep going just until he needed glasses.
What do video games and Playboy have in common?
They both improve eye-hand coordination.
What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince awoke Snow White?
“Guess it’s back to jerking off.”
A Wyoming cowhand went to Denver for a little rest and relaxation, but he didn’t succeed in coping well with the complexities of city life. In fact, midnight found him alone in his hotel room, jerking off.
Suddenly the door was opened by a bellhop carrying a drink intended for the room next door. “Pardon me, sir,” said the flustered bellhop, “but where would you like me to set down your drink?”
“I didn’t order a drink,” retorted the cowhand, thinking fast. “Can’t you see I’m already so drunk that I’m taking advantage of me?”
A man said to his son, “Son, if you masturbate, you’ll go blind.”
The son replied, “I’m over here, Dad.”
—DICK CAPRI
If sex is so personal, why are we expected to share it with somebody else?
—LILY TOMLIN
Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.
—WOODY ALLEN
Early one morning, while his son was getting ready for his first day of school, his father took him aside and proceeded to instruct him on the appropriate way to urinate: “Okay, son: one, unzip your pants. Two, take out your penis. Three, pull back the foreskin. Four, pee into the urinal. Five, shake your penis off. Six, push back your foreskin. And, finally, replace your penis and zip your fly back up.”
Later that day the father received a call from his son’s teacher. “What seems to be the problem?” he asked.
“Well,” the teacher said somewhat perplexed, “it appears that your son doesn’t want to leave the bathroom.”
“Oh, really? What’s he doing in there?”
“We’re not sure. He just keeps repeating, ‘Three-six, Three-six.’”
One day little Herbie heard a noise from his parents’ room and opened the door to see them screwing. “What’re you doing, Dad?” he asked.
“Just playing gin rummy with your mother,” was the answer.
On the way back downstairs, little Herbie heard a noise coming from his grandparents’ room, opened the door, and asked what was going on. His granddad explained he was just playing gin rummy with his grandmother.
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 27
