Jason was brokenhearted, and moped around for a good six months, but eventually he started dating again. And a year or so later he came home with happy tidings. “Vickie said yes! We’re getting married in October, isn’t that great?!”
Alas, Jason’s father insisted on another private conversation and broke the bad news again. “Vickie’s your half-sister, too, son. I’m awfully sorry.”
This time Jason was beside himself with anger and grief, and he finally confessed to his mother. “At this rate I’m never going to get married,” he moaned. “Every time I fall in love, Dad says the girl’s my half-sister.”
“Don’t pay any attention to him, Jason,” said his mother cheerfully. “See, I did some fooling around myself, and he’s not your father.”
When you’re a parent, you’re a prisoner of war. You can’t go anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your kids. In the old days, babysitters were fifty cents an hour, they’d steam clean the carpet and detail your car. Now they’ve got their own union. I couldn’t afford it, so I had my mother come over. The sitters called her a scab and beat her up on the front lawn.
—ROBERT G. LEE
You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody’s home.
—ERMA BOMBECK
Mrs. Caesar to Caesar: No way we’re naming this kid “Sid.”
—RED BUTTONS
Politicians and Politics
The drinking age should be eighteen. When you’re eighteen you’re old enough to vote. You should be old enough to drink. Look who we have to vote for! You need a drink.
—MARC PRICE
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
—GROUCHO MARX
What’s one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?
We wouldn’t have to pay her as much.
Jack Benny told about the time Joe E. Lewis met Harry Truman at the White House. The president asked if there was anything he could do for him.
“Well,” said Joe E., “I’ve had some bad horses lately, Mr. President. Can you get me an advance on my Social Security?”
If anybody comes up to you and says, “My kid is a conservative, why is that?” you say, “Remember in the sixties when we told you, if you kept using drugs, your kids would be mutants?”
—MORT SAHL
All the problems we face in the Unites States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
—PAT PAULSEN
Voting in this election is like trying to decide which street mime to stop and watch.
—A. WHITNEY BROWN
He who builds a better mousetrap will soon find the government spending eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars to build a better mouse.
There were four million people in the Colonies, and we had Jefferson and Paine and Franklin. Now we have two hundred and forty million and we have Bush and Quayle. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong.
—MORT SAHL
What’s the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball you’re out if you’re caught stealing.
It was a terrific election. Ninety-five million Americans took time off from work to vote, and sixty-eight million of them did.
The Homeland Security system. They had it color coded, like we’re in fucking elementary school! Simplify it, there should be just three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, FUCK ME!
—LEWIS BLACK
I went to the White House, met the president. We in trouble.
—RICHARD PRYOR
LBJ always told the truth, except when his lips moved.
—RED BUTTONS
About a month ago the president of the United States decided he had to get laid. Going to a high-class whorehouse, he found a blond, a redhead, and a brunette waiting in the downstairs lounge. “I’m the president of the United States,” he said to the blond. “How much will it cost me to spend a little time with you?”
“Three hundred dollars,” was her answer.
To the redhead he posed the same question.
She replied, “Five hundred dollars.”
He made the same proposition to the brunette.
She replied, “Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, lower my panties as far as my wages, get your dick as hard as the times, keep it hard for as long as I have to wait in line at the store, keep me warmer than my apartment in the winter, and screw me like you do the public, believe me, Mr. President, it isn’t going to cost you a dime.”
A politician running for office was outraged at certain remarks that had been made about him in the local newspaper. Incensed, he barged into the editorial room of the paper and shouted, “You are printing lies about me, and you know it!”
“Relax,” the editor said calmly, “What on God’s green earth would you do if we told the truth about you?”
State legislators are merely politicians whose darkest secret prohibits them from running for higher office.
—DENNIS MILLER
Liberals think you can reform an ax murderer. They don’t want to kill anything. They want to change the Listerine labels: “Rehabilitate the germs that can cause bad breath.”
—MARC PRICE
The man with the best job in the country is the vice president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, “How’s the president?”
—WILL ROGERS
Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black & Decker vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.
—STEPHEN COLBERT
Concluding a powerful and impassioned speech enumerating his many splendid qualities, the candidate finally asked if anyone had any questions.
“Yes, sir,” called out a voice from the crowd. “Who else is running?”
Diplomacy is the art of saying, “Nice doggie,” until you can find a rock.
—WILL ROGERS
If you’ve got ’em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
—SIGN IN THE WHITE HOUSE OFFICE OF CHARLES COLSON
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then—we elected them.
—LILY TOMLIN
How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
His heart stops bleeding.
I hear that the Democrats are considering changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands for inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
Democrats are better lovers than Republicans. You’ve never heard of a good piece of elephant, have you?
—MILTON BERLE
As far as the men who are running for president are concerned, they aren’t even people I would date.
—NORA EPHRON
Political speeches are like a steer: A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it’s important.
What’s a WASP’s idea of affirmative action?
Hiring South American jockeys.
A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.
“Yep,” replied the farmer.
“Where are they?” asked the sheriff.
“Over there,” replied the farmer, pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt.
“You buried them?” asked the sheriff, “Were they still alive?”
Replied the farmer, “They said they were, but you know how those people lie.”
How many pr
esidents does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll only promise change.
Reporter One: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!
Reporter Two: And that concludes our report from the White House.
Poverty
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn’t poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don’t have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary.
—JULES FEIFFER
We were poor when I was young, but the difference then was the government didn’t come around telling you you were poor.
—RONALD REAGAN
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
—WILLEM DE KOONING
When Mike showed up for his appointment with the urologist, the doctor informed him a sperm sample was necessary and instructed him to go to Room Four. Dutifully going down the hall, Mike opened the door to Room Four and found two absolutely gorgeous women clad in scanty lingerie. They proceeded to arouse him beyond his wildest dreams, and Mike headed back down the hall with a dreamy smile and a terrific sperm sample.
Realizing he had to pee, Mike opened the door to the first bathroom he came across, only to interrupt a guy frantically beating off with a copy of Hustler. In the second bathroom a fellow was busy masturbating with the company of the Penthouse centerfold. Back in the doctor’s office and curious as hell, Mike couldn’t resist asking the doctor about the other two fellows.
“Oh, those guys?” replied the doctor dismissively. “Those’re my Medicaid patients.”
Thousands upon thousands are yearly brought into a state of real poverty by their great anxiety not to be thought poor.
—WILLIAM COBBETT
Problems
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
—W. C. FIELDS
No problem is too big to run away from.
—CHARLES M. SCHULZ
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read, “Best Deals.” He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, “Lowest Prices.” The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop—it read, “Main Entrance.”
Wendy found that her difficulty making even the simplest decisions was causing her problems on the job. Finally she decided to seek professional help.
“Tell me, “Wendy,” the psychiatrist began gently, “I understand you have trouble making decisions. Is that so?”
“Wendy’s brow furrowed. “Well,” she finally answered, “yes . . . and no.”
By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.
—MARK TWAIN
Promiscuity
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. “When they are relaxing afterward, he asks, “Am I the first man you ever made love to?”
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. “You might be,” she says. “Your face looks familiar.”
What’s the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia, it’s a misdemeanor.
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
As the newlywed couple was checking into the hotel for their honeymoon, another couple at the desk offered to show them around the town that night. Thanking them for the kind offer, the bridegroom explained that it was their wedding night and that they’d prefer to take a rain check.
When the second couple came down to breakfast the next morning, they were astonished to catch sight of the groom in the hotel bar apparently drowning his sorrows. “Why, you should be the happiest man in the world today,” they said, coming over to him.
“Yesterday I was,” said the man mournfully, “but this morning, without realizing it, I put three ten-dollar bills on the pillow and got up to get dressed.”
“Hey, cheer up, she probably didn’t even notice.”
“That’s the problem,” the groom went on. “Without even thinking, she gave me five dollars change.”
On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?”
She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”
—GENE BAYLOS
“Doctor, I’ve got this problem,” the man says. “My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work, I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over.”
“So what seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.
“Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac,” the man continued. “I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime, and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep.”
“I still don’t know what your problem is,” said the doctor.
“You see, Doc, every time I masturbate, I get these dizzy spells.”
A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to offer to set him up with the campus floozie. “Just take her out to dinner and a show and then let nature take its course,” he explained reassuringly. “This girl knows what the score is.”
The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in a cold sweat, and blurted out, “Gosh, I sure would love to have a little pussy.”
“I would, too,” she sighed. “Mine’s the size of a milk pail.”
An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over to her place for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn’t stay all night but that he’d be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in her bed making love. And when it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
“Hey,” called the girl from beneath the covers, “where do you think you’re going? Arnold Palmer wouldn’t leave so early.”
At that the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they’d made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
“What are you up to?” she called. “Jack Nicklaus wouldn’t think of leaving now.” So the golfer pulled off his pants and screwed her a third time, and afterward, he started getting dressed.
“C’mon, you can’t leave yet,” protested the girl. “Lee Trevino wouldn’t call it a day.”
“Lady, would you tell me one thing?” asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. “What’s par for this hole?”
What do you give the man who has everything?
Antibiotics.
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most trouble is sex.
—JOHN BARRYMORE
A guy walks into a bar and says, “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, “Seems you’ve got a stuttering problem.
The guy says, “N-n-no sh-sh-shit.”
The bartender says, “I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she sucked me off three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since.”
The guy says, “W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know. . . .”
A week later, the same guy walks into the bar, and says, “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”
The bartender says, “Why didn’t you try what I told you?”
&
nbsp; The guy says, “I d-d-did. It d-d-didn’t w-w-work. B-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really nice apartment.”
A woman who had outlived no less than eight husbands finally passed away. Old friends and enemies alike gathered at the graveside and consoled or bitched with one another, as is so often the way.
“Oh, well, at least they’ll be together again,” sighed one of the departed’s lady friends.
“Yes,” replied a childhood friend with a sob, “but with which husband?”
“No, silly,” said the first friend, “I meant her legs.”
What do you call a New Zealander with four sheep?
A pimp.
What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you use a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
Prostitution
A guy walks up to a hooker and asks, “How much do you charge to rub the genitals?”
She says, “The same as the Jews.”
—NORM CROSBY
What chain of food stores do prostitutes patronize?
Stop ’n Blow.
A guy runs out of a burning hotel wearing only a hat and carrying his jacket and pants in his arms. He runs up to a fireman and asks, “Have you seen a redhead with big tits and a nice ass?”
The fireman says, “No.”
The guy says, “Well if you see her, give her a fuck for me since I already paid for it.”
—RED BUTTONS
A tired-looking old prostitute walked into a bar with a pigeon on her head and shouted, “Whoever can guess the weight of this bird can fuck me!”
Way in the back of the bar, a drunk yelled, “One thousand pounds!”
“Close enough,” she answered cheerfully.
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 32
