Kenny was a good drummer though. I had to admit, he added a lot to the band. He broke out in a solo and I was amazed just how good he actually was. I noticed a lot of girls flirting with him after that. He could have had his pick of what girl to take home from the party if he could just drag his persistent eyes away from me.
Not that I could claim innocence to staring. While Drew and Laurie were across the room in each other’s arms, kind of slow dancing, kind of just swaying to the music while they talked, Drew’s eyes flickered my way, then stayed. His eyebrows rose.
I flushed and quickly looked away. I didn’t even notice/realize that I had been staring until Drew pointed it out with his raised eyebrows.
I quickly diverted my gaze, pretty much despising myself for being so pathetically attracted to Drew, for having been fantasizing what it would be like if it were me in his arms with my head resting on his chest. I yearned for him to hold me like he was holding Laurie, and have his hot breath whisper in my ear, and have him kiss me softly as we swayed to the music and pretended no one else was in the room.
I liked things better back in the olden days when I could stare at him as much as I wanted and he never even noticed. Now he stared back. It hurt every fiber inside me to see his beautiful blue eyes gaze at me while he romantically held Laurie in his arms. My heart shriveled.
I darted out of the room quickly, just leaving Wade standing there confused. Dashed back into the kitchen—my hiding place.
I wanted to leave the party and never have to see the two of them together again—not ever. It hurt too much now that Drew had kissed me, and said that he thinks about me.
“Hey, can you help me with this?” Kim said as she tried pulling a chest of ice out of the garage and into the kitchen where now I stood alone—again in a trance. Only this time not staring at Drew, just off into space, thinking I might die of heartache.
“Sure,” I mumbled grateful for the task to keep my mind diverted from my woe-is-me pathetic-ness.
“Here,” Wade said as he came back into the kitchen and found Kim and me struggling with the chest. “Let me get that for you,” he said with a smile.
Wade was no slouch himself I realized as he lifted the chest and brought it to where Kim instructed. I wished I could let go of my stupid, pathetic passion for Drew, and like a nice unattached boy like Wade.
But as Wade smiled at me and asked me if I wanted to dance to the slow song that Nick’s band had just started to play, I agreed with an aching heart. I knew as long as Drew dangled his attention in my face, my heart could go out to no other boy.
Still, I danced with Wade. Because he asked me. And he was nice. And I wished so bad I could like him.
CHAPTER 15
Disturbingly often during the party I would look up from doing something to find Drew watching me. Unlike myself, he didn’t look away when I discovered him gazing at me, but just continued to longingly stare, his hungry eyes glued to me. Even so, all night he was dutifully beside Laurie, holding her hand, making her smile. Not going to lie though, each time I discovered him looking at me an involuntary thrill would race through me.
It was bad though. I knew that. Afterwards, every time, I would feel more and more depressed. I mean, he was always with Laurie. Sometimes he was kissing her and looking at me. How twisted was that? It seemed he was playing a game with me, and it hurt that he was being so careless with my feelings. I desperately tried to avoid him all night.
In fact the only time we actually spoke directly was when I was standing next to him waiting to use the bathroom.
“That guy Kenny keeps staring at you,” he said with concern as I leaned against the wall.
“I hadn’t noticed,” I lied.
“Watch out for him Brooke,” he said with concern.
I peeked up at him doubtfully. He really had a thing about me staying away from Kenny.
Drew’s eyes flashed with frustration. “I’m serious. He’s weird, and he hasn’t taken his eyes off you all night.”
“Who are you to criticize someone for staring at me?” I asked incredulously.
“Why?—what’s that supposed to mean?” Drew asked, gently pulling me back to him as I tried to stomp off in a dignified huff.
I glared at him. “You haven’t exactly been keeping your eyes to yourself, have you? Or on your girlfriend either.”
He winced, looking at me as though I’d slapped him in the face, and I realized there’d been a lot more hostility in my voice than I’d intended. Still, it felt good to hurt him a little. He had been hurting me all night.
“Well, you look really beautiful tonight,” he explained after running a hand over his face.
His words and husky voice brought a flutter to my insides. But I knew it was absolutely stupid to feel so thrilled by his words. After all, we were here for his girlfriend’s birthday. (Inappropriate much?)
“I guess Kenny thinks so too,” I shot at him dryly as I walked away, deciding I didn’t really need to use the room that badly.
I knew I was being irrational. It was sweet, actually, of Drew to worry about me. Obviously, I thought Kenny was really strange too. But who was Drew to criticize someone for staring at me? He was not exactly faultless in that area himself. So, though his stares may not have been so spooky, still stares were stares.
As things were winding down and most of the guests were leaving, except those of us that had been elected as the clean-up committee, Wade came and found me working kitchen duty with Laurie, Drew and a few others.
“Hey,” he said almost shyly. “Can I give you a ride home?”
Aw. I was sort of touched. But I’m also weirdly shy about guys’ attention—or so I was quickly finding.
“No thanks,” I said appreciatively. “I’m going to stick around and help clean up.”
“I can help too,” he offered.
“Well, actually I’m going to spend the night here,” I lied, not sure why exactly, except for the shy-thing. And okay, I’m weird. And a spaz. But it seemed nicer—to tell the lie, than admit to him that I was afraid to be alone with him. I mean, who wants to hear that?
I quickly said, “But thanks for offering, that’s really nice of you. I’ll walk you to the door.”
Then I did walk him to the door. He was an incredibly nice guy, and cute too. I wasn’t altogether sure why I declined his offer, but I felt uneasy about going with him. Maybe it was that Kenny had me all creeped out. But whatever. I didn’t want to go with him, so I didn’t.
When I came back to the kitchen, Laurie smiled at me teasingly. “You’ve got boys coming out of your ears these days.”
“Kim,” I turned to my cute freckled friend, ignoring Laurie’s comment. (Awkward!) “—can I have a ride home?”
“Drew’s giving me a ride,” she said, glancing at Drew for re-confirmation to her plans.
However Drew didn’t notice her uncertainty though, because he was busy looking at me, but he said nothing. He just leaned against the wall, his eyes on me.
“Drew can give you a ride too,” Laurie said, freely offering her chauffer’s services. She smiled teasingly, “But I thought I heard you say you’re spending the night.”
I gave her a rueful look, but didn’t comment. I was sure she understood the predicament I had been in, and she was only teasing.
The party had broken up by one, but the cleaning up dragged on forever. When Kim, Mandy and I piled into Drew’s car I was beat, but we cranked up the music really loud and discussed highlights of the party.
I enjoyed the ride home more than the party. Everyone was really impressed with Nick’s band, and agreed unanimously that he had made the party a huge success. I was extremely proud of Nick. He had a really good thing going—even if his drummer was a staring, psychotic weirdo.
Drew dropped the other girls off before me, which made sense, since I lived the closest to him, but when we were left alone in the car together, there was an awkward silence that fell upon us. I was sure he could hear my heart poundin
g, it was so LOUD.
When he pulled up to my house I quickly started to gather up my things, but was having trouble since his eyes were on me. My heart slammed against my chest when he requested me to wait a second.
I froze.
My heart pounding, I immediately stopped my fumbling. After a moment, I peeked up at him curiously.
“Are you planning on never talking to me again?” he asked.
“No,” I answered honestly. “I’m not planning anything.”
“Then can we go somewhere and talk?” he asked.
I squeezed my eyes shut. But it seemed we had to do it—actually talk. Otherwise, I was going to explode from all the convoluted feelings twisting inside me—feelings he was stirring. I needed it to stop, so with my heart in my throat I whispered hoarsely, “Okay.”
He let out a breath as though he’d been holding it waiting for my answer. Then silently he stared up the car.
CHAPTER 16
Drew drove us to some hills near our house and parked the car at a cliff where we could see all the stars in the sky above, and the lights of the city below.
“Its beautiful,” I murmured.
Actually, I’d been here before. With Laurie. The last time she and Drew broke up Laurie had brought me here and cried. I knew this is where they had come a lot to talk and make out and stuff. But it was a beautiful spot. I couldn’t help admiring it.
I peeked at Drew. “Did you take Laurie up here a lot?”
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I love this place…. But I brought you here to talk.”
“I know,” I blushed, not sure if he thought I was hoping we were going to make-out or something.
“Brooke, do you hate me now or what?” he asked getting right to the point.
My brow scrunched up. “Why would I hate you?”
“I don’t know,” he said, then he speculated, “Because I went after you when I had a girlfriend? Because my girlfriend is your friend … because I scared you. I don’t know exactly why you would, but do you?”
“No, I don’t hate you,” I whispered. “You know I don’t hate you.”
He shook his head slightly. “I hoped you didn’t. But I wasn’t sure. I had to kind of wonder if maybe you did. I mean, lately you won’t even look at me, and you don’t seem to be comfortable in the same room as me. If you don’t hate me, then what is it?”
“I haven’t known how to act around you. The other night you said some things that …”
I didn’t finish. I couldn’t.
He pressed his forehead against the steering wheel. “Do you want to just forget I said anything? Because if that’s what it takes to have you talk to me again then I’ll pretend right along with you that all I feel for you is friendship. Is that what you want?”
His voice was gentle. Compassionate. He wasn’t being demanding, he was just trying to make things better between us. That was it.
I bit my lip. “It would be so much easier to just do that—if we really could. But it doesn’t seem like I can.” I rubbed my forehead. “But I’ll definitely try … if that’s what you want to do.”
“I don’t,” he blurted out. “But the thing is, I can’t take what you’ve been doing. You won’t look at me or talk to me—it’s like you’ve just been pretending that I don’t exist. It hurts me, Brooke.”
My heart squeezed.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “It’s just I—I can’t do that to Laurie.”
He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah…. Laurie.”
He thumped his forehead lightly on the steering wheel. “Laurie,” he murmured again softly, sounding tortured.
He rubbed his palms over his eyes, resting the back of his head against the seat and seemed to be negotiating something in his head. Finally he said hesitantly, “I’m going to tell you something that maybe I shouldn’t. I mean it’s not really anyone’s business but mine and Laurie’s, but I kind of need you to know. When I broke up with her this summer it wasn’t like our other stupid break ups. I’d really meant it, and Laurie knew it. But she just has a way of getting what she wants … this one was a big deal—what she did.” He ran a hand over his face, but didn’t go on with that—what Laurie had done to get what she wanted. Instead, he took a deep breath, “The thing is I’m going to break up with her for good. I just wanted to wait until after her birthday. We’ve been together a long time, and I didn’t want to screw up her birthday.”
I was silent for a moment, torn. And tortured. Poor Laurie, hopelessly in love with her boyfriend who was planning their break up. But at least he stuck it out with her until after her big party. I guess. I mean, it was a huge deal to her—her party. She would have been annihilated and heartbroken without Drew by her side—the school’s super star.
Of course she suspected the break up, totally feared she was losing him. She obviously knew the possibility was there … but she had seemed so happy at her party—and Drew had been so attentive to her—most likely she was still hoping they could work things out.
I glanced up to find Drew watching me. He weaved his fingers through his hair. “Does it bother you that I’m breaking up with her?”
“I feel bad for her.” I swallowed. “She loves you—so much.”
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I know … but this isn’t going to be a shock to her. I mean I’ve been trying to prepare her for it since we got back together this summer. When I broke up with her then it was a shock to her, and she was acting really crazy. So I got back together with her just to stop her from doing something crazy that she would regret, and I thought I would kind of ease into the break up this time. You know, let her still depend on me a little, but not be around so much anymore. I mean we’d been together a long time and I know it will still be hard for her, but maybe she’ll be able to handle it better this time.”
My breath was strangled in my throat. Drew had gotten back together with Laurie this summer only to stop her from doing something crazy?
The disturbing thought had me shivering.
Drew watched me silently. He scrubbed a hand over his face, his jaw muscles flickering. “Look, she’ll be okay, Brooke. People break up. It’s high school—it happens. It’s expected.”
I shook my head slightly. “But not of you guys. You’ve been together so long …”
His eyelids closed. “Too long,” he murmured softly. “I’ve changed—a lot. My feelings have changed. I’ve grown up. And it’s not fair to her to stay with her anymore. Yet, this isn’t fair to me—her making me stay with her when she knows I want to break-up. I’ve wanted to break-up for a long time.”
We sat in silence for a moment contemplating his dilemma. Then he said softly, “I didn’t bring you up here to talk about Laurie. Brooke, I want to talk about you—your feelings. Could you possibly do that with me?”
My pulse thumped.
That subject made me nervous. How quickly he grasped that fact. Amazing.
“Yeah,” I took a deep breath and wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. “Okay,” I whispered.
He breathed out an amused laugh. “You’re acting like you’re preparing to face a death squad—I just want to figure out how you’re feeling, Brooke. How you’re feeling about me, specifically.” He grinned slightly, “I mean, you talk about me in your sleep, so that was pretty encouraging. But then, since school started, you won’t even look at me—or talk to me, except tonight at the party—but then you just sort of growled at me. So, that stuff isn’t so encouraging. Especially when I see you hanging out with that band dude from the soccer team all the time. Except then tonight you were with Wade North most of the night—so I was pretty confused about that one.”
I slunk down in my seat, squirming a little, his words reminded me that I seemed to have led people to the wrong idea about Band-boy Ethan and me—and that I might have possibly led Ethan to that wrong idea as well. (Eeek!)
Drew glanced between my shaking hands and my pale face, and rubbed the back of his neck. He seemed to be contemplatin
g whether he should go on or call an ambulance. Finally, he dared to go on, his voice huskier than usual. Softly he said, “Mostly though, I was wondering how you would feel about us—being an us.”
My heart ricocheted against my chest.
Of course now he looked even more like he was worried he should call an ambulance, since I had so many thoughts swimming through my head—of course excited, happy ones about Drew’s glorious words—(Drew Roberts, my heart’s desire, wanting us to be an “us”!!!) (Holy smokes!!!)—but of course thoughts of poor Laurie were niggling in my brain as well, keeping me from swooning from happiness like I would have otherwise. Instead, I was more like hyperventilating.
Drew rubbed the back of his neck. He laughed softly, “Are you okay? Should I call 9-1-1?”
I tried to get a grip. Just form a coherent thought—one that could articulate some of the convoluted, conflicting emotions scrambling through my brain. Just one thought. Any thought.
“It’s just, I mean—it’s just that I don’t know what you want from me,” I managed to choke out.
Okay, so it wasn’t really one of the top wonders going through my confused brain, but it was there. Apparently. Since it was what spilled out of my mouth.
Drew blinked, then took me in his arms and kissed me softly. “That’s what I want from you,” he said softly in my ear.
I melted.
Holy smokes! I’d just felt Drew Roberts’ warm, scrumptious lips on mine, and it was SPECTACULAR!
I practically died from it. Went to heaven. Heard harps and angels and everything.
“Are you okay with that?” he asked breathlessly.
I nodded, also breathless (of course). But then, immediately I shook my head.
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