by Eric Vall
“And that’s why it’s hidden,” I explained with a roll of my eyes. “You joke, but there are probably lots of people who’d actually try that shit. Besides, I don’t want, like, our landscaper to accidentally stumble into the Fourth Circle of Hell by accident or anything like that.”
I gently lifted up the crate and shifted it to the side. Instantly, my face was engulfed with a radiant green light from the portal as its emerald Hellfire swirled around like a whirlpool in the middle of the concrete.
“I’ll go first,” Eligor announced abruptly as she tore off her school girl outfit. “I want to get back to Hell as soon as possible. My mistress will want to know all about what just went down.”
Without another word, the blonde knight sauntered up to the edge of the portal, wiggled her body, and then jumped up into the air. She passed through the interdimensional portal in seconds, and then it was only the four of us left.
“I can go next,” Sia suggested. “Just please be sure to put the crate back on when you’re done, alright?”
“I wouldn’t dream of forgetting,” I chuckled as the petite redhead walked forward.
The succubus madame took a few hasty steps, tossed herself a few inches in the air, and then disappeared through the jade glow.
“Cupi?” I nodded to the Sister of Greed. “I guess that means--”
“Bombs away!” I heard Todd cackle as a tiny red blur sped past me.
The imp jumped up into the air, tucked his knees up into his chest, and then cannonballed directly into the glowing portal of Hellfire.
Cupi and I exchanged an amused look before the succubus strutted over to the portal. She gave me a final nod, and then she hopped in.
Now, it was my turn.
I called forth my green Hellfire, spread it around the crate and tarp, and then lifted them up into the air above me. It was simple, all I had to do was drag the two articles down as I went through the portal, and then they would hide it once more.
Usually, I had a cultist or two to help out with this, but I figured I could do it on my own this time.
I scooted to the edge of the interdimensional portal, took a deep breath, and then jumped in. As my feet went through the ground, I made sure to keep my glowing green hand above my head. I looked up to make sure the spell was still working, and the last thing I saw before I was transported through space and time was the darkness of the crate landing on top of the portal.
“Great success,” as Todd liked to say.
The world went black for a moment as my body became weightless, and my head began to spin. However, it wasn’t dizziness or a headache. Instead, it was a peaceful feeling, almost as if my mind had been completely cleared of any worries or fears I’d ever had in my entire life.
And then, as quickly as the sensation started, it was over.
I opened my eyes to see I was standing on top of the outer wall of my castle. Todd, Sia, Cupi, and Eligor were all waiting for me, and their eyes lit up when I finally arrived.
“You had us worried for a second there,” Sia admitted.
“Awww, come on,” I joked, “I was only traveling through space and time, powered by nothing but a magic spell that comes from the very depths of Hell. What could have gone wrong?”
“Jacob, you’re back!” I heard Libidine gasp from above.
I looked up to see the dark-haired succubus descending on us from the sky.
She had a determined look on her face, but she appeared to be out of breath as she landed.
“You alright, Lib?” Todd questioned. “You look more winded than a chick who just went through her first bukkakke scene.”
All of us gave the imp a look of horror, but he just shrugged and laughed it off like normal.
“I was worried you weren’t coming,” Libidine explained. “The girls are back for their final round of interviews.”
“Oh shit!” Todd exclaimed as he slapped himself on the forehead. “That was today, wasn’t it?”
“Final round of interviews?” I questioned. “I thought that’s what the mission was for? All five of the girls more than proved their worth out there in the field.”
“I know, bro,” the imp retorted, “they’ve all got the job, but you gotta make sure they think they don’t have the job. That’s what this last little splurt of interviews is for.”
“I think you mean ‘spurt,’” Sia tried to correct, but Todd shook his head.
“I know what I said, Strawberry Shortcake,” he admitted. “I’m gonna go throw on my best interviewer suit, and then I’ll meet you two down in the war room. Sound like a plan?”
“I guess,” I muttered, “but I really don’t think this is nec--”
“Up, up, and awwaaaaaayyyyy!” Todd exclaimed as he zipped up into the air, surrounded by black Hellfire, and then headed toward the “T” tower.
“I guess we’re doing the final round of interviews today,” I sighed to Sia. “I dunno about you, but I’m not changing. Do we need to have anything prepared, or what?”
“I’m not preparing anything,” the succubus admitted. “By this point, I know all the basic interview questions. Since these girls have already shown they have the right skills for the job, we need to go a bit deeper and dive into something much more important … ”
“What would that be?” I questioned.
“Their loyalty,” Sia stated plainly. “Especially after this debacle with Gamigin, we need to make sure anyone we’re adding to our team is committed to you, and only you. We’re talking about giving them power the likes of which a normal succubus would never see in her entire life.”
“They’ll be loyal,” Cupi suggested. “If they’re anything like the rest of my sisters and me, they’ll fall right in line. Jacob is a kind King, one who is willing to go against the natural order and give them these great powers. That alone will buy their loyalty.”
“I hope so,” I agreed. “Now, let’s get down there. I don’t want to keep them waiting for too long.”
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to head back to Lilith’s dwelling,” Eligor said as she cleared her throat. “There is much I need to tell her about.”
“Where is Lilith’s domain, anyways?” I pondered aloud as I rapped on my chin. “She doesn’t have, like, her own special Circle or something, does she?”
“It’s confidential information,” the blonde knight retorted. “When Lilith is ready to tell you, she will tell you. But, until then, it remains between me and the Demon Queen.”
“Alright, fine,” I joked, “keep your secrets. Just be sure to come back before we decide to make a move on Gamigin.”
“Will do,” Eligor agreed as she sprouted her black angel wings with a flash of purple.
Then the Knight of Hell crouched down, backflipped into the air, flew off into the distance.
“I’ll go back to the coliseum,” Cupi interjected. “Surely Daniel and the rest of the Shades missed my training regiments while I was gone.”
“Surely,” I chuckled and watched Cupi walk away in the opposite direction.
“I’ll walk with you two down to the War Room,” Libidine offered, “I want to hear all about your adventure on Earth!”
Sia and I explained everything that went down in Mesa as we headed over to the spiral staircase of the nearest watchtower. We told her all about the Tartaruchi and their plan, and how Metatron was wary of us trying to usurp Lucifer. The beautiful succubus seemed to hang on my every word, and before I knew it, we were at the door of our meeting room.
“… and that’s where we are now,” I sighed. “We have to keep our alliance with the Exalted One intact, but we also can’t just wait around for Lucifer to make the first move. Especially since it sounds like he already has.”
“If the Tartaruchi wasn’t lying,” Sia added. “Although I’m no fan of Metatron, he has good reason to be wary.”
“Ugh, more Tartaruchi?” I heard Deja’s voice gag. “They’re like, hella getting on my nerves lately.”
“You�
�re … early?” Sia asked, though she wasn’t sure. “Or are we late?”
“I dunno,” the brunette succubus shrugged, “I’m used to serving the California area, so time is irrelevant. It always depends on the traffic.”
“Great,” I chuckled, “so we can get started asap. Follow us.”
“Can I sit in on these interviews too, Jacob?” Libidine asked hopefully. “I’d love to meet all these newcomers to our family!”
“Of course you can,” I agreed and put my arm around the dark-haired beauty. “Honestly, it’s just a formality at this point. I’m not even sure why Todd even set them up.”
“Speaking of which,” Sia mused, “should we wait on Todd? He said he’d meet us down here.”
“We might be waiting for a long time,” I joked as I opened up the door, “if he got distracted by some of his weed or got the itch to choke one out, he’s not gonna be here any time--”
My jaw hit the floor when I saw what awaited me inside the War Room.
The entire place had been renovated. Over the dark brimstone of the walls and floor were dark blue and purple neon lights that stretched as far as the eye could see. The circular table that normally sat at the room’s center was now gone, replaced by a bright circle that displayed large cursive letters and two futuristic seats placed in front of a small screen. All around the perimeter of the room was audience seating, and I saw Gula, Ariel, Tris, and Mephisto were all present. Then, on the back wall there was sprawled a circular logo.
Who Wants to be Jakey’s Succubus?
Holy fuck.
Meanwhile, Todd was sitting in one of the futuristic seats, wearing a tiny suit and tie. He fumbled at the screen, looked over the cue cards in his hand, and then excitedly tossed them to the side when he saw us.
“Jakey!” he exclaimed in an over-excited New York accent. “Do ya like what I did with the place? I had ‘em renovate it while we were all back on Earth. This is gonna be the best round of final interviews the world’s ever seen!”
“Don’t you think this might be a tad … overkill?” I asked as I tried to hide my surprise.
“Overkill?” Todd scoffed. “No such thing, bro. I originally wanted to do Deal or No Deal, but we don’t have enough succubi yet.”
“I kinda like it,” Deja admitted. “I’ve always wanted to be on TV.”
“That’s the spirit!” the imp giggled as he clapped his hands together. “Now, if you guys wanna take your seats, we can get this party started.”
Liby, Sia, and, I sauntered over to where our friends sat in the audience and then got comfortable in the chairs.
How will we conduct war meetings in here? Mephisto questioned as I sat down. I appreciate the integration of technology into our strategic planning space, but this seating is not optimal. We’ll have to call across the room to each other.
“That’s not an issue for you,” I reminded the telepathic Demon Lord sarcastically. “But, if we have to, we can just move the normal table and chairs back in here when it’s all done. No biggie.”
I hear our council will be down a member? The Master of Whispers said in a disappointed, almost regretful tone. I apologize for bringing Gamigin into this. I was the one who coerced him to join our forces, and I take full responsibility for his betrayal.
“Nonsense,” I reassured the orange demon, “You did exactly what we asked you to do. You went out and found one of the cast-out Demon Lords of Hell and convinced him to join our cause. There was no way you could have known he was going to turn out to be such an asshole.”
Gamigin has always been an asshole, he sighed, but I thought his talent as a strategist would outweigh his temperament. I also assumed he would show some loyalty to you, since you are the only Demon King in Hell who wanted to take him in.
“That changed real quick,” I noted. “Now, he’s all cozy with the Unholy Trio, probably giving them the layouts and plans to my castle as we speak.”
Doubtful, Mephisto explained. It’s too early in the process. They may get to that point eventually, but right now their focus is on Abbadon and the Seventh Circle. Nothing can progress until they break through those lines.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” I chuckled, “but thank fuck for Abbadon.”
Suddenly, the lights went down in the room, and then a series of spotlights shone over and illuminated Todd and Deja. At the same time, there was a loud, bass-filled “dundundun.”
“Hello everyone, and welcome to Who Wants to be Jakey’s Succubus?” Todd announced. “Today’s contestant is none other than … what was your name again? I’ll always remember you as the ‘Snoop Dogg’ girl.”
“Deja,” the perky brunette said with a giggle. “Short for Deja Vu.”
“Ahhhhh,” the imp noted as he scribbled something down on a notecard. “Clockblocker. Got it.”
“That’s not my--”
“Alright, Clockblocker, it’s time for your first question!” Todd interrupted. “This one’s an easy one … How awesome is Jakey? A, not awesome at all. B, kinda awesome. C, really awesome. Or D, I don’t know who Jakey is.”
“Uh … C?” Deja asked with a shrug.
The music swelled for suspense, but then Todd clapped his hands together happily.
“That is correct!” he exclaimed, and Deja threw up her hands happily. “Now, for question two … Do you promise to pledge your loyalty to Jacob Ralston, King of the Fourth Circle, as well as his super-awesome friends? A, yes. B, no. C, maybe. D, again, I don’t know who this “Jakey” guy is.”
“A!” Deja scoffed. “It wouldn’t be anything other than ‘A.’”
“Correct!” Regis-Todd cackled.
“This is easy,” she laughed. “Like, every job interview should be like this.”
“Alright,” Todd shifted back into a serious tone, “last question.”
“Bring it on,” Deja said as she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned forward confidently.
“What term describes the part of your brain that controls your arousal, as well as regulates your sleep, mood, and blood pressure?” the imp asked. “Is it A, the Oblongata. B, the Norepinephrine. C, the Choroid Plexus. Or D, the Basal Gangila?”
The smile faded from Deja’s face, and she recoiled back into her chair in horror.
“I, uh … can I use a lifeline?” she questioned. “I want to phone a friend.”
“Sure thing, Clockblocker.” Todd nodded. “Who do you want to call?”
Deja scanned the small crowd for a minute, and then she perked up and pointed at Mephisto.
“He looks like he knows anatomy!” she exclaimed. “I’ll go with the orange guy.”
Uh, I don’t really know--
“You have thirty seconds,” Todd cut off the Master of Whispers. “Go!”
Uh, well … I know the oblongata is part of the brain stem … Mephisto pondered. And “Basal Ganglia” sounds like one of Todd’s made up words …
“Ten seconds!” Todd interjected.
I would go with C, the Choroid Plexus.
“How sure are you?” Deja gasped.
I’m about--
Todd made an obnoxiously loud buzzer sound with his mouth to indicate that time was up.
“So, what’s it gonna be?” he asked as he turned back to the brunette in the chair. “You have thirty seconds.”
“I’m gonna trust my gut on this one,” Deja announced proudly. “The big orange dude thought it was C, and orange is my favorite color. I’m going with ‘C.’”
“Is that your final answer?” the imp drawled to create suspense.
“It is.” Deja nodded, and the air was filled with fake tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.
A butter knife, that is.
“Ohhhhh, I’m sorry,” Todd sighed, “the answer was ‘B, the Norepinephrine.”
“D-Does that mean I can’t be part of the team?” the succubus asked, now on the verge of tears. “Because that would be a serious fucking bummer.”
“What?” T
odd chuckled. “Of course not. The first two questions were the only ones that mattered. You passed!”
Deja stood up from her chair, threw her arms over her head in celebration, and then let out a scream of joy. Then she ran over and hugged the imp tightly as I just shook my head at the rest of the team.
Another wrong choice, Mephisto noted, perhaps I’m losing my touch?
“Don’t beat yourself up too much,” I reassured the Demon Lord. “Even Jordan couldn’t shoot one-hundred percent.”
The orange demon’s eyebrow quirked in confusion.
“Not even Legolas can hit every orc,” I tried again.
“The movie version could, bro!” Todd called out from afar.
Mephisto still shook his head and shrugged.
“What I’m saying is even the best of the best is allowed to fuck up sometimes,” I finally conceded. “You’ve been a loyal subject, and you’ve done great things for the Fourth Circle. We’ll be forever in your debt, Gamigin be damned.”
Thank you, my King, Mephisto responded with a slight bow.
We all sat there and watched as Todd repeated the Millionaire process with Inpulsa, Eclipse, and Mirage. They all went exactly the same way, Todd would ask them if they thought I was awesome, then if they would swear their loyalty, and then some super-complicated question they would get wrong. Each one passed, and then we finally came to Eve.
The beautiful, wild-haired redhead got through the first two questions easily enough, but then Todd got serious.
“Alright, Eve,” he mused, “this last one’s a doozy. Which of the following is a real, scientific name of a species that roamed the Earth billions of years ago? Is it A, Oxyprimus galadrielae. B, Megatronous frodus. C, Sondwyve mortimis. Or D, Bumblebae gandalfae?”
“Is this a joke?” Eve mused with a sly smile.
“Uh, you can totally use a lifeline if you want, Eve,” the imp explained. “Maybe you wanna ask the audience or--”
“It’s A,” Eve scoffed. “Everybody knows Oxyprimus galadrielae were the most interesting mammals to roam the pre-human world.”
