She was pretty sure that Hank wasn’t talking about Xander anymore.
“Right. Well.” She had to say something else before she made her escape. Otherwise, Hank’s words were going to haunt her all day. “Did Millie tell you that her Guide troop is going winter camping in February?”
“Seriously?”
“Yep.”
“I think that’s happening on your weekend.”
“Cute.” She hitched her purse higher on her shoulder. “Well, I should be—”
“Hang on, Heather. I was wondering...”
No. No wondering allowed.
“You said Millie didn’t fall apart until after you left Xander’s place,” Hank continued. “So how did he know that she had a hard time?”
“He and I talked. You know. He wanted to let me know he was home free, and to thank me for...for being there with Cady, and calling Darcy. And all that.”
“Ah. That makes sense.”
One bullet, dodged.
“’Cause you know,” Hank continued, “it was decent of him to go all the way out to my place just to check on Millie.”
“You live ten minutes apart. Fifteen, at most.”
“I know. But he could have called.”
“Does he have your number?”
He shrugged. “Ian does. And Darcy, she’s on the phone with Brynn night and day.”
Heather could either keep playing this game—one that would be exposed as a lie in a few months anyway—or she could get it out of the way right now.
She gave the parking lot a quick check. No busybodies in sight. It was just her, Hank, a couple of squawking gulls and a bunch of cars. Since she highly doubted that anyone at Glenn Brewster Memorial School had equipped their vehicle with surveillance equipment, this was probably as safe a place as any.
“Look, Hank. I remember what it was like when you first started talking about Brynn, so I’m going to be up front with you.”
He didn’t move, but he definitely went on alert.
“I wasn’t lying when I said that Xander was helping me with the job application. He was. I mean, he did. But for a while there, there was... We were... Anyway. It’s over.”
Something flickered in his eyes. Like she had merely confirmed what he already knew.
“But the thing is, I’m pregnant.”
His shoulders twitched. Like he’d started to say something, but managed to yank it back just in time.
“Well,” he said at last.
“I would prefer that you not tell anybody about this yet. Not even Brynn. It will all come out soon, I know, but I want Millie to hear it from me. I’m only telling you now so you can be ready.”
“Are you, uh...” He seemed to have lost his voice. From the way his eyes darted back and forth, she would guess he was still searching for it. “You planning to tell her soon?”
“Probably in the next couple of weeks. After Halloween, maybe.”
“When are you—”
“May. Probably around the middle.”
He nodded absently. “And Xander?”
What was he asking? “He knows. He’s excited about the baby.”
“But the two of you aren’t together.” Something must have shown in her face, because he raised a hand. “Not trying to be nosy, okay? But our daughter is going to have questions.” He grimaced. “A lot of them, knowing her.”
He had a point. “I haven’t figured out what to say to her yet. How much detail did you guys go into?”
“There’s a part from the mom and a part from the dad and when those parts get together, it makes a baby. We had books in case she wanted to know more, but so far I don’t think she’s opened them.”
“That doesn’t sound like Millie.”
“Well, she was really curious about the baby, and how he was growing and all that.”
“So why do you think this will be any different?”
“Maybe because she’s a year older. Maybe because they’ve covered a lot of the basics in school.” He hesitated. “Maybe because there’s no daddy in the house this time around.”
This could get complicated. Especially as there was no way she was going to discuss sex drives and tubal ligation failure rates with her preteen daughter.
Parenting Truth Number 34: When you have no answer, it’s best to admit the truth and move on.
“I hadn’t considered that part yet. Thanks for mentioning it. Anyway, I need to get to work, so—”
“Hang on. I have a couple more questions...” Hank turned the slightest bit pink. “Look, I don’t care what you do, or who you do it with, but I’m trying to ask if there were sleepovers while Millie was in the house.”
Seriously?
“Did I ask you about that before you and Brynn got married?”
“Uh...no. No, I guess you didn’t.”
“Right. Because I trusted you to set a good—whatever. Moral tone in front of Millie.” Plus, okay, she had asked Mills a few leading questions. Everything always sounded well within the bounds of Acceptable Around the Kid, so she had stayed quiet.
“Ah. Thanks.” Hank was definitely pink around the ears, and there was no way he could blame the sun for it. “But if you asked, I would have told you that we kept everything totally Victorian while Millie was around.”
Which probably explained why he’d been so agreeable about visitation weekends back then.
“But,” he added, “Mills is older now, and they’re learning practically everything by grade four or five these days. So she’ll probably notice more.” Again with the pink. “And wonder more.”
All right. Those were valid points. “Fine. I think you could definitely say that we were always Victorian in front of Millie. She probably has no idea that there was anything other than a business relationship.” Of course, that was going to make it more of a challenge to discuss the baby’s paternity, but she had time to figure out that part.
“Okay.”
Would she ever be able to keep things at this level—practical, mostly mutually respectful, focused on their child—with Xander?
Her rational brain told her that if she could manage this with Hank, she could learn how to manage it with Xander.
Her heart told her it wasn’t going to be that easy. Because even though she and Xander didn’t have the level of history that she and Hank did, there was another factor at play this time. She loved Xander.
She had convinced herself she loved Hank, back then, and maybe if she hadn’t been so messed up, they might have got to that point. But with Xander...
She didn’t think there was a schedule or a plan out there that would help her find her way through this one.
Her sudden heartsickness must have been obvious, because there was genuine concern in Hank’s voice when he said, “Hey, are you okay?”
“What? Oh. I’m fine. Tired. Sorry.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive.” If not now, then in the future.
Someday.
Eventually.
“Anything else?” she asked.
“I guess not.”
“Okay then. I’ll see you tonight when I pick up Millie.” She turned away from him and began making the long walk around the truck toward the safety of her car.
She didn’t even get to the tailgate before his voice stopped her.
“Heather...”
This wasn’t going to be good. She could tell by the unusual uncertainty in his voice. She turned slowly in his direction. “Yes?”
“Look. I know that the other night, it probably sounded like... I don’t know. Like I wouldn’t approve of Xander being around. Because Brynn and Darcy had it in their heads that you two... And yeah, I was worried.”
“But?”
; “But, I was wrong. To act that way, I mean. And I hope... I’m probably giving myself way too much credit here, but I hope that...that...isn’t any of the reason why you and he aren’t, you know. Together.”
“Why on Earth would you think that?”
“Because, you know, we’re trying out this shared custody. And I don’t want you to think that I would have a problem with him being in the picture.”
Why did men insist on having these major discussions in parking lots?
“Thanks. But you don’t need to worry. Believe it or not, your reaction wasn’t a factor in this.” She tried to smile. She was pretty sure it was an epic failure. “And for the record, you’re not the only one who thought about how...how Xander’s past could impact Millie. That kind of hit home on Sunday.”
“You mean with the police?”
“It was pretty awful. That’s why—well. It’s a moot point now, right?”
“Right. I understand why the cops did what they did, but I doubt they’ll make that same mistake again.”
“Oh. I see. That’s not what I meant, but, absolutely.”
He frowned. “What did you mean?”
“Well, just that, since Xander and I aren’t together, she won’t have to spend a lot of time with him. Less chance to build up a real relationship. So if something should go wrong again, it won’t be as devastating.”
“Hang on. But what about—I mean, Heather, not that I can tell you how to run your life, but are you saying you don’t want Millie to spend time with Xander?” He seemed baffled. “Even though it was totally a mistake?”
“This time. This time it was a mistake.”
“You think he’s going to end up back in jail?”
It felt too awful to agree. Like she would be condemning him to failure. She managed a nod.
“Why? Has he been doing anything?”
“What? Oh, God no. I haven’t seen or heard or...no. Nothing.”
“Then why do you think he’s going to mess up again?”
“I don’t want him to. I hope he doesn’t. But after everything with Travis, I can’t help but think that’s it’s almost...that the odds are against him.” She swallowed down her fear. “He’s a good father, and I can’t—won’t—keep him from this baby. But I can make sure Millie, at least, doesn’t have to go through that again.”
“You have got to be kidding me.”
She lifted her gaze from the pavement, shocked by the vehemence in his voice. She hadn’t heard such barely restrained anger from Hank in a long time.
“Hey. You said yourself that you had concerns.”
“And I was wrong, okay? Jesus, Heather. Would you seriously try to keep Millie from—”
“Yes!” It came out too loud, too anguished, but she couldn’t help herself. “Yes, I’m going to make sure she never goes through that again. She was beyond heartbroken. I’ve never heard her like that, ever, and I—”
“Hang on. You think I don’t know what it’s like to see Millie being ripped apart? You’re wrong. I saw it more times than you’ll ever know. The only reason you never saw it before is because you’re the reason she was falling apart in the first place.”
Nausea flooded through Heather, swift and cruel and totally unrelated to the pregnancy.
“You think Millie was hurt by what happened with Xander? Get real. Nothing—nothing will ever hurt her the way you did. I know there were reasons, we’ve all come a long way, yada yada. I’m not gonna rehash the past. But there’s no changing the fact that what happened—what you did—broke her.” He stepped closer, his voice dropping. “You think it would be hard to let her have a good relationship with Xander? Try flying across the country to leave her for a week with the person who ripped her heart out. Try finding a way to build some sort of civil relationship with the person you could have cheerfully strangled because it was the best thing for your kid.” His eyes narrowed. “Try agreeing to share equal custody with that person, even though a part of you is always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Each word was like a shard of broken glass poking into her. Each accusation made her shrink and wither and want to sell her soul to turn back the clock and make things right.
“You know who’s really taking the risk here? Not you. Not Millie. Not even me. It’s Xander.”
What?
“You just have to wonder if he’ll screw up again, which I would lay good money will not happen. But him? He’s having a baby with someone who walked out on her last kid. How do you think that feels?”
She couldn’t answer.
“I can tell you this, Heather. You’ve come a long way. I’m glad—I really am—that we’re able to work together for Millie. I’m glad you got your shit together, okay?” He shook his head. “But if someone were to ask me to bet everything I own on either you or Xander staying the course, and I could only pick one, then it would be a no-brainer. I’d bet it all on him.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
ANOTHER SUNDAY “FAMILY” DINNER with Ian and Darcy and Cady. Another night when Xander would have to leave their warmth and go home to an empty house.
These evenings usually worked for him, but not this week. Not when he knew that this was as good as it was ever going to get for him. And, yeah, he knew he was having his own private pity party, but he figured he was entitled to it.
It had been a week since Heather had told him that theirs, too, would be a relationship based on schedules and calendars. Another part-time gig for him. Sure, maybe he would be able to switch things up so he would always have one kid at home, but then when would they get to be together? When would Cady get to know her new half brother or half sister?
His head knew that he could still find a way to turn them into a family. His heart knew that without Heather, it would never be the kind that he wanted. It could still be good and strong and loving. He was still going to be the best damned father he knew how.
But he wished to God that Heather had believed in him enough that he could be the best damned husband, too.
“Xander?”
He looked up from his plate to see Darcy, Ian and Cady all watching him with varying degrees of concern.
“Sorry. Did I miss something? I was...”
“In a galaxy far, far away?” Darcy’s tone was light, but he heard the worry beneath the words.
“I asked if you were still feeling the fallout from last week.” Ian grabbed a roll from the bowl in the center of the table. “I guess I have my answer.”
How much did Ian know? Xander was pretty sure Darcy hadn’t told him any of the details of their talk. But Ian and Hank were brothers. If Hank had said anything, and then Ian repeated it to Darcy, which he surely would, then Darcy had probably put everything together. Which could explain why she had been watching him so closely since he walked in.
Or Ian could simply be curious, and Darcy could just be comparing his nose to Cady’s, and he himself could simply have decided that life should always resemble a soap opera.
In any case, he wasn’t saying anything. This was Heather’s show. He would have been happy to go public, announce their news and move into the future with a big cheesy grin. But Heather was too busy letting her past run her life to care about anything else.
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t seem fine.” Darcy eyed him the way she did Cady when trying to assess if the child was in need of the potty. “In fact, I think you’re either coming down with something or you’re lying through your teeth.”
This was the problem with having friends. They saw right through you. “Okay. I’m not fine right now. But I will be.”
“Really?” Darcy pulled a piece of bread from Cady’s hand before it could do the Lulu drop.
“Really.”
The sideways glance she shot at Ia
n told him he hadn’t convinced her at all, but she would keep her silence. At least here and now. But she and Brynn...
Just what he needed. It wasn’t like the next North family gathering wasn’t going to be awkward enough with both him and Heather in attendance. Now he suspected that at least two pairs of loving-but-gossipy eyes would be following his every move. Kind of like being in prison all over again, except there, once the guards figured out he wasn’t going to give them any trouble, they had cut him a bit of slack.
Darcy would never be that generous.
“Everything is fine,” he repeated. “And it will be fine. Meanwhile, Halloween is next week. Have you guys figured out who is trick or treating and who is staying home?”
“Nope. Let me think... Oh, Cadence Joy, what are you doing?” Darcy reached for Cady’s bowl, presumably to stop the flow of carrots to the floor. But just as Xander was congratulating himself on distracting her, she tipped her head in Ian’s direction, grinned ever so slightly and jostled Cady’s bowl. Cold vegetable soup flew everywhere.
“Oh!” Darcy jumped up and dabbed at Cady, who sat in wide-mouthed wonder, staring at the spots on her chest as if debating the existence of magic. Lulu, never one to miss an opportunity, made a lunge for the soup puddle on the floor.
“Oh darn. What a mess. Ian, sweetie, could you take Cady and get her changed while Xander and I mop this up?” She frowned in Cady’s direction. “Maybe plop her in the tub. I think I got her pretty badly.”
“Sure.” Ian stood and hoisted Cady from her chair, grinning. “But, you know, if you wanted to talk to Xander alone, all you had to do was ask.”
Darcy flushed. And for the first time in days, Xander felt like laughing.
God, he had missed laughing.
As soon as Ian had carried a protesting Cady up the stairs, Darcy whirled to face Xander. “Okay, mister. I just sprayed my kid and made an idiot out of myself to get some privacy. So you had better spill.”
“Seems to me you already took care of that.”
“Very funny.” She reached into a bucket beneath the sink, grabbed a fistful of rags and tossed them in his direction. “Here. Help me clean up this mess while we talk about your mess.”
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