by Drew Sera
I was quiet and thought about what he said. He was right and somewhere over the course of the past two days, I’d lost sight of my priorities. I had been selfish. Sydney and Colin were my priorities. I shut myself off because it was easier for me, while Colin has suffered. Granted, he has Matt there with him, but I’m the one who is the other part of our special relationship.
“I’m a dick, Blake. I’ll fix it.”
“You aren’t a dick. Until Sydney came into your life, you avoided things with real feelings or emotions. Sydney pulled all of that out of you and the emotional pain you’re feeling now has you running for cover.”
“Why do you think Paul did it?”
“I don’t have the answer to that. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.” We parked at a medical office building, and slowly I got out of the car. I leaned against the car until the pounding lessened and while my stomach settled back down. I was still so cold that I was shivering, and I could feel my abdomen shake.
“You should get your car looked at, Blake. Your heat isn’t working well and your seat warmer blows.”
I could feel Blake’s eyes on me as we walked slowly to the door. He didn’t make any comments back about his car, though I was waiting for his jokes. But they never came.
Once we got inside, I headed to the bathroom because I felt like there was a very good chance that I might throw up again. Fuck, dry heaves. I hurt all over as I tried to clean myself up a bit. I was dizzier and felt hot all of a sudden. I leaned against the wall in the bathroom for a few minutes with my eyes closed. When I came out of the bathroom, Blake walked back to the medical room with me and sat on the chair while I got up on the exam table.
The nurse took my temperature and blood pressure and said the doctor would be in. I let myself lay down, and I covered my eyes with my forearm because the lights were killing me.
“Don’t fall asleep up there.”
“I won’t. Did you tell your doctor friend what happened?”
“For the most part, yes. As I mentioned before, you don’t have to worry.”
I trusted Blake and thought about Sydney. Sweet Sydney. It’s been two agonizing nights without her. I hate the nights. Someone calling my name brought me out of my haze. I let my head roll to the side and opened one eye. The doctor was standing near Blake, and both were frowning. Fuck.
“Did he nod off in the car?”
“No. He was asleep when I got to his place around 10:00 this morning. He’s been dizzy, chilled, and he’s thrown up. He can’t walk without the aide of a wall or something to grab hold of.”
I was glad Blake was filling the doctor in so I didn’t have to.
“Anthony, my name is Dr. Worth. Tell me what happened to your head?”
“I banged it hard of the floor in my condo.”
“Tiled floor? Carpet?”
“Wood.”
“How did you bang it?”
I didn’t hold back anything. I told him I let a sadist beat on me.
“Where are your wounds?”
“It’s just my head.”
And my heart. I wanted to ask him if he could mend that. Sydney. I stayed still and let the doctor poke around and shine a little light in my eyes. He felt around my head and when he touched a particular spot, I swore and jerked my head away.
“You have a huge knot back here. You’ve had a concussion. You need to get plenty of rest. Your cuts will heal up as long as you keep on top of cleaning them. I recommend getting something on these welts.”
What the fuck? I felt pain in my lower abdomen and stomach. I looked down and realized my shirt was pushed up around my chest, and the doctor was pushing around on me. Fuck, I do need rest and to get over this fucking thing. I hadn’t even realized he pushed my shirt up. That’s scary.
“Are the wounds central to your chest and back?”
Despite the pain and dizziness, I nodded quickly but saw the doctor glance at Blake, which made me uneasy. I just tuned it all out, until the doctor took hold of my hands and turned them over in his. He was looking at my wrists.
“How did this happen?” The doctor asked in a calm, even tone.
I stared at them and realized quickly how this looked, but I wasn’t completely clear on exactly what happened. I just knew that I didn’t do it. I vaguely remember being restrained, but I wasn’t eager to admit that.
“Anthony,” Blake said my name and I made the mistake of looking up at him.
Blake looked concerned and very worried. I had to ease his worries that I wasn’t suicidal or something. I don’t remember much, but I remember Victor saying my wrists were too big for the cuffs.
“Restraints,” I said and looked away from Blake before I could see his disappointment.
I returned my gaze to the scratches and a few cuts on my wrists. I tried recalling pieces of last night while I watched the doctor clean and bandage them. I zoned out until the doctor spoke again.
“If anything else comes up, don’t hesitate to call.”
I slowly made it to the front desk while Blake and his doctor friend talked by the exam room door. I felt bad and knew that in my moment of weakness last night, I had disappointed Blake. Blake was someone that I never wanted to disappoint, but I fucked that up. He was one of the few people that cared about me, and I let him down.
We got back in the car, and I flipped the seat warmer on while he was playing with his phone. Did he get some news on Sydney?
“Blake? Is it Sydney?”
“Matt said that Colin got another graphic picture text.”
“Fuck!”
I grew angry but my head wouldn’t allow me to frown. Colin needed help. I should be there.
Blake just started driving. I didn’t know where he was taking me. I needed out from under the daylight though.
“Where are we going?”
“I’m taking you home with me so you can rest and so I can keep an eye on you.”
“Blake, I’m fine.”
“Hardly, Anthony. Hardly. You suffered a concussion last night among other injuries. You can’t even recall the entire evening.” Blake wasn’t to be argued with. He sounded agitated, and I knew it was due to me. I needed to sleep. I felt like I had a hole in my chest and that my head was exploding.
Blake showed me to a spare bedroom and I collapsed on the bed.
“Anthony...wake up, Anthony.”
I was being shaken lightly, but it was hurting my entire body. Fuck! I opened an eye and saw Blake sitting on the bed looking bothered.
“I’m up. Calm down, fuck.”
I sat up and realized how fucking cold it was. My shirt was wet. Was I feverish? I felt my forehead with the back of my hand and it felt okay. I was still under Blake’s watchful eye though. He motioned towards the nightstand where water and ibuprofen waited for me.
“What were you dreaming about?”
I stared blankly at him as I swallowed the pills. I shook my head and told him I didn’t remember, but he looked annoyed with my answer. I held my head in my hands to stop the spinning.
“Anything on Sydney?”
He shook his head and continued to watch me. I hated it and wished he’d stop.
“Do you wake up like this often? Sweats and chills?”
I slowly shook my head again. I must have had a nightmare and was writhing around.
“Come on, you need to eat.”
He gave me a dry shirt to put on, and I followed him out to the kitchen where Cathy was cooking with Noah and Kelsie. I looked at my watch and saw that it was after 7:00 in the evening. I had fucked Blake’s entire day up and was encroaching on their evening.
“Hi, Cathy. Sorry to intrude.”
She walked over and hugged me. I felt uneasy, so I just kept my hands to my side.
“Anthony, you’re not intruding. You’re family. I’m so sorry to hear about Sydney. Anything you and Colin need, please let us help. Please, have a seat and get comfortable. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.”
I rub
bed my chest and stomach. I hurt all over and when I sat down at the table, I discovered additional aches and pains. I wasn’t hungry, but I sat still and stared at the cuts and bruising on my wrists. How the fuck did I get these? Blake was talking, but I wasn’t sure to whom until I looked up at him and discovered he had been talking to me. Fuck. I needed to get away from all of this.
“Blake, do you know where my phone is? I need to call Colin or Matt.”
“It’s charging. I talked to Matt while you were sleeping.”
I put a dinner roll on my plate and nothing else. I couldn’t eat anything with my stomach this cramped. My mind was racing. Was Matt ready to kill me? Did he tell Colin? How much had Blake told Matt? Had Colin written me off?
“Anthony, relax.”
I bit the inside of my mouth and stared at the food that appeared in front of me on my plate. I mindlessly put food in my mouth and made it through dinner. I’m sure it tasted good, but I wasn’t able to taste a thing.
After dinner Blake left me alone and let me rest in the guest room. I stared at the picture of her and I. The collar that represented everything the three of us were, lay proudly against her skin. She loved us. She never wanted to take it off. Even when we went to the club she’d get a little nervous as we removed her everyday collar and put on her play collar. The night before I left Colin’s, I sat upstairs and held her collar. I traced her initials in the platinum over and over until I lost feeling in my thumb. I missed her so fucking much. I even miss our rough talks; the ones where she’d sit in my arms and tell me all the shit Howard would do. She knew what it felt like to be held down and burned. I never, ever thought I’d ever breathe a word of that to anyone. When I discovered how bottled and trapped she felt that no one understood exactly what that was like, I had to share my experience with her. I didn’t want her to feel like she was alone, when I understood it extremely well. I thought that maybe I could help absorb some of those hideous feelings she harbored.
My head was full. So fucking full, and I felt like I needed to get some of this shit out and vent. Only, I don’t vent. On the nightstand was a small spiral notepad and a pen. I eyed it a few times before slowly picking it up.
Fuck.
I thought the platinum and diamonds of your collar charm would represent how our
connection is unbreakable.
But as I once told you, memories are forever with people like us.
I have rubbed my thumb raw on it trying to feel you, out there alone and afraid.
We never forget the feeling of being burned.
The blood trickling down my hand and onto my wrist just reminds me of how breakable we
are sunshine…
I stared at the words on the page and swallowed hard. I quietly tore the paper from the spiral binding, folded it and put it in my wallet.
11
Sunday, January 12th
Matt
“The doctor said he suffered a concussion last night, Matt. I’m going to keep him at my place tonight and will bring him over in the morning. He’s resting now,” Blake said through the phone.
“He must have hit his head just in the right spot.” I advised Blake not to let Anthony sleep for very long periods. He needed to be woken up every few hours or so.
“How is Colin? Anthony has been thinking of him, but he’s just not quite right,” Blake mentioned.
I understood what Blake meant about the lingering effects of concussions and knew that Anthony probably didn’t seem quite like himself. I could tell in Blake’s voice that he was concerned over Anthony and that keeping him at his place to rest was probably to benefit Colin as much as Anthony. It sounded like he needed to rest, and hopefully Blake will have luck with getting Anthony to do that and calm down. I knew this had been a really fucked up weekend. I told Blake that Colin had slept some this afternoon after he broke down at the sight of a text from Paul. Blake and I decided it was best to keep the concussion news and the specifics of last night from Colin for the time being.
Colin called Mitch from work before dinner and told him what had happened. He said he wouldn’t be in at least for a few days and that Anthony was helping and wouldn’t be in either. I sat on the couch next to Colin while he had that conversation. It was already a difficult conversation to have and without Anthony by his side, I’m sure it made it rougher on Colin.
I think if Anthony were here, it would make it much easier on Colin. Colin relies on Anthony, and he’s been with him from the beginning with Sydney. They’ve embarked down a V road together and now without those two important pieces, Colin sat adrift in a sea of heartbreak.
I called Chris and told him what had happened. He said he was going to come by the house tomorrow and offer assistance and another set of ears. I knew Colin would talk to him. Anthony though, I’m not so sure. I knew Anthony was a mess. Blake sounded really worried over him and there was something in his voice that concerned me, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it might be. With Colin right there, I decided it was best not to ask Blake about the details. Blake has known Anthony since he first entered the BDSM community, and I was a little more than concerned when I could hear Blake’s heightened level of concern through the phone.
Some of the guys from Irons stopped by this afternoon for a bit. Will and Colin went for a walk around the golf course while I sat on the patio and talked to Blake on the phone more. I took the week off from work and would take more if necessary. Colin and Anthony needed support now more than ever, and I was glad my parents were staying for an open-ended period of time as well.
12
Monday, January 13th
Paul
I wonder if fucking Everett will be making it into his plush office today. It was Monday morning, and I’m sure he had lots to do being a CEO and shit. Lots of high-rise windows to look out of in his fucking building or lunches to have or elbows to rub on the golf course. Fucking prick. I wonder if he’s ever actually worked a day in his life. It baffles me how the fuck he had a huge gaming company. It was probably handed to him on a silver platter. And how the fuck did he get this girl to fucking eat out of his hands? I threw a glass against the wall. Since I captured Everett’s little whore, I’d found that I grow agitated over Everett quicker than I had before. Everett just bothered the fuck out of me. He’s so well acquainted with never wanting anything, because he has everything.
I put a chain, dog collar around Sydney’s neck and attached a leash to it. We were going for a walk. For fun, I made her crawl on her hands and knees. Too bad she wasn’t a masochist. She may have really enjoyed this. She would learn.
We walked to the edge the mountainside before it dropped off to a valley of pine trees. When I heard her whimper, I tugged the chain until she was quiet. I took in some fresh air and then we headed back towards the cabin.
“When we get back, I’m going to fuck you until I hear those pretty vocal chords sing. You’re not going to resist or fight, because if you do, I’ll be extra rough on your precious Master Anthony.”
Let her worry. Fucking bitch is so loyal to Graves and has no clue she’s just a toy for him. Before I took her inside, we stopped near a tree and I asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom. I pointed to the tree, letting her know that this was her bathroom. I waited and waited but the bitch couldn’t go.
“Pee anxiety?” I shrugged and pulled her chain for her to follow.
In the back room, she curled up on the floor. Her knees were scraped and she was bleeding a little. I took her gag off and told her to curl up nice and tight because I was going to flog her, fuck her, and flog her again until I was tired.
The harder and longer I flogged her, the more aroused I got. She made noises and cried in the beginning but much to my displeasure, the sounds died down after a while during the flogging. I intended to make her scream.
I put a condom on and pushed my way into her roughly and was glad to hear her voice was back. Her distressed voice was nothing that I could get off to, but a decent sound
of discomfort.
“Does Everett and Graves fuck you in this position? Hmm? Answer me, you fucking useless toy!” I screamed at her.
“Y-yes.”
“See, you can just pretend I’m one of them if that helps.”
She didn’t answer me, but I didn’t let it slow me down. I came and then shoved her away from me.
“Fucking trash. Was I just like one of them? Hmm?”
“No.”
Surprised that she answered me, I grabbed a handful of her hair and held her by the throat.
“No? Why the fuck not?”
“They love me,” she gasped.
That was her firm answer. Enraged, I drug her outside and tied her to the stairs. I gagged her and turned the hose on and sprayed her off. I let the hard spray hit her on her cheeks. It would sting and leave a nice mark.
“You’re brainwashed. At first, I thought you were intelligent and that’s what Everett and Graves saw in you. But now that I know you actually believe they love you, changes my mind completely. You are nothing but a fuck toy. Bad girls are nothing but fuck toys. You’re a throw away!”
I pushed her down to her knees and tied up her ankles to a post under the stairs. Her arms were bound above her head against the railing of the stairs and she faced the woods.
“I think some alone time out here might do you some good. Maybe that’s what it will take to get the fucking shit out of your mind about love. Bad girls don’t deserve to be loved. And you are most certainly bad.”
I attached the ball gag roughly, slapped her hard in the face and started to go inside. But then I stopped so I could get a picture. Fucking bitch.
