by Drew Sera
I looked around the room and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Blake sitting in a chair against the wall. He was leaning forward over his knees and looked bothered and possibly close to saying something that I didn’t want to hear. I could tell he was giving me time to calm down before the questions come. I didn’t want to talk to him about this. Colin and Matt both barely knew.
I wiped the sweat off my forehead and reached for my watch. It wasn’t quite 8:30 a.m. yet. I made a move to stand up and to close the window on Blake’s curiosity. He stood as I swayed with dizziness. His hands came around my biceps to steady me. I didn’t want anyone touching me and took a few steps back until I was out of his reach.
“Anthony, are you okay?”
I nodded hastily and frantically began searching the room for my jeans. I didn’t care about my throbbing head anymore and just needed out from under Blake.
“How often do these nightmares happen?”
“Have you seen my jeans?”
He pointed to the chair next to the bed where my jeans were neatly folded along with my tee shirt from yesterday. Cathy had washed them for me. I quickly moved towards them and began organizing my clothes.
“Anthony, stop for a minute and sit down.”
He reached out and put his hands on my shoulders to stop me, and I took a step back to get out from under his touch again. This time he looked offended that I moved away from him again. I just felt weird and didn’t want anyone touching me right now.
“No, I can’t. I need to get going.”
“You’re without a car. Plus, if you had one, I wouldn’t let you drive. I’m worried about you, and I know you don’t want to lean on Matt or Colin right now. But you need to lean on someone, and I’m right here, Anthony. You just have to talk.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I pulled my jeans on, changed shirts, sat back down on the bed and looked at the floor.
“Christ, Anthony. Have you seen your chest and back?”
I shook my head and continued to look down at the floor. I didn’t want to fucking see my body. I knew it was my own fucking fault, and I was disgusted with myself. The pain in my head wasn’t subsiding, and the cramps in my abdomen were killing me. Victor must have really tweaked my body. Maybe I stretched wrong or something.
I’d deal with the pain though, if it meant Sydney was all right. I looked up when I heard Blake moving the chair from across the room to right in front of me. Oh fuck, I didn’t need a father son talk. He sat down and said my name with a tone, letting me know he fully intended to start an uncomfortable conversation. Blake has been the reason I turned out somewhat okay, and he’s never pushed me for information before now. I know what I tell him is safe, but I hate fucking talking about it. I had barely had this conversation with Colin and Matt.
“Do you have nightmares like this around Colin and Sydney, or has this just cropped up?”
Fuck me. I didn’t want to have this conversation. I shook my head and held it in my hands, hoping the pressure from my hands would settle the throbbing.
“I’d get one here and there. For the most part, I sleep very well with Sydney and Colin. I’ve had one each time I’ve fallen asleep since Sydney’s been gone. Before Sydney, I’d have them once in a while.” I looked back up at him.
“You don’t remember them? You just wake up from them sweating and chilled?”
“No, not all of the time. Sometimes I remember them very well but other times, not so much.”
“Old stuff from your past?” he asked and I nodded slowly. Blake leaned back in his chair and averted his gaze to the direction of the window. “I never doubted that there was something dark in your past, Anthony.”
Fuck, and here we go. My head was too fucked up to have to play games with Blake over this right now. If this conversation was going to happen, I just needed over as soon as possible.
“Blake, what do you want to know?”
“I want to know why the past few times I’ve seen you sleep, you’ve woken up looking terrified. You check yourself like you’re taking inventory or afraid of what you’re going to find. Tell me what you were dreaming of this morning.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Fine.
“I had a nightmare about my step-dad. He was beating on me with a belt. Simple as that.”
Blake looked somber. I told him to please not deal me the sympathy card. I didn’t want it and I didn’t need it. Sydney had it worse than I did. My stomach flipped at the thought of what she might be enduring now.
“He beat me from a young age until I was seventeen.” I bent over and tied my shoes and welcomed the rush of pain in my head this time. “And I still can’t get away from him. I’m forty years old, and he still fucking gets me.”
I quickly began to tell him about my mom and step-dad but never looked him in the eye while I spoke. I ran my fingers around the edges of the picture of Sydney and I while I talked. I just needed to calm Blake so he’d take me to Colin’s. If this needed to be done to put me on the route to his place, then fine.
To be honest, nothing could make me feel worse than I already did. I lost my sunshine, and everything else didn’t seem as important to me, except for Colin. I needed to fix that. I had finished telling him my story and answered some of his questions along the way. He was gentle, thankfully, but I was exhausted. Mentally, I’m at rock bottom.
“I’m going to ask you something, Anthony, and I want you to think very hard to Saturday night.”
I raised my eyebrows at him and felt my heart begin to pound. I was afraid of what he was going to ask me, because it was in regards to Saturday night.
“There’s over an hour you lost track of from Saturday night. I found you face down on your bed the next morning, bleeding from your ear, and bruising already forming on your body. When you woke up, you were feeling around and when you reached your belt, you panicked.”
I shook my head, stood, and put my picture of Sydney in my pocket. I made my way to the door because I couldn’t listen to him ask me if I had been fucked. I didn’t know that answer because I fucking blacked out. It was my own fucking fault if it happened, and I wasn’t going to talk about this with him or anyone. I had worried about that the moment Victor left, and I couldn’t deal with that right now.
Blake grabbed me by the shoulders to stop me, but I jerked out of his grip. I needed to go. I had shoes, pants, a tee shirt and my phone. That’s all I needed to get me away. Fuck the jacket, wherever it was.
I walked out of his front door and kept walking, despite the pain. It was cold, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t made it very far before Blake’s Mercedes pulled up beside me.
“Get in, Anthony.”
I’m such a fucking coward. I got in the car. He turned around and we headed back to his mansion. I hadn’t even made it out of his gated neighborhood.
“Blake, I need to go to Colin’s.”
“I promise to take you there, but first you and I are going to have a talk.”
Another fucking talk? I just told him about my step-dad and he still wants to talk? I followed him back inside and just wanted this to be over with. He stopped in the kitchen and motioned me over.
“You need to eat something, too. What kind of coffee do you want?”
“I don’t care…” I responded but let it trail off.
Fuck, why is that sounding familiar? Blake looked at me and frowned. I blew it off as something not having alerted me, but I don’t think he believed me. I mindlessly looked through his coffee supply and opted for a vanilla caramel flavored one. I popped the little container into the machine, and it began making my selection. I just stared at the coffee machine while I tried to think about why that sounded familiar to me. When I turned around, Blake had various pastries and cookies on a tray along with two plates.
“Come on, we’ll sit on the patio. Cathy is out running errands and shopping with Noah and Kelsie.”
Shopping. Sydney was innocently shopping when she was taken. I wondered if he worried ab
out this kind of stuff now. If he didn’t, I wasn’t going to plant that seed. My jacket was on the back of a kitchen chair, and I grabbed it on the way by.
I sipped my coffee and nibbled on a chocolate chip cookie. It made my stomach feel better to sit down, but my back ached when I leaned back against the seat. I could deal with the backache, but the stomach cramping was terrible. Must be aching from being caned. I had never been caned before and decided that fucking shit hurt.
“Have you heard anything about Sydney?”
“Anthony, if I had heard anything, don’t you think I would have told you?”
“I know. I just feel better asking.” I wasn’t hungry anymore and pushed my plate to the side. I gazed out to Blake’s lushly landscaped yard. I pulled out the picture of Sydney and I again and stared at her. “Did you talk to Colin or Matt?”
“I talked briefly to Matt this morning and told him I’d bring you over once you were up and feeling better. How’s your head?”
“Fucking hurts. I deserve it for being a fucking idiot.”
“Anthony, mistakes happen.” He had finished scarfing down two muffins and sat back in his seat.
I could feel his eyes on me but didn’t dare bring them up from the image of Sydney in my hands.
“Tell me what you remember from Victor’s visit.”
“Blake, I told you what I remember! It’s what I don’t remember that is fucking with my head!”
I snapped. I worried over what had happened and didn’t want any attention brought to it.
“Calm down and take it one step at a time. Why did you freak out yesterday morning about your belt? You said you were dreaming about it too this morning.” He was quiet for a few moments while I tried my hardest to be invisible. “Did Victor use a belt?”
I put my head in my hands. This was my own fault. I fucking asked for it. I paid for it. Yeah, Victor used the belt. I remembered that, but I wasn’t voicing it. “I was on the ground! He was sitting on me like my step-dad would and was grabbing me. I think I panicked because it reminded me of my step-dad and my head was fuzzy.”
None of this was important now. I needed to get to Colin and help support him. Blake needed to drop this. Why the fuck did he keep focusing on the damn belt?
“What do you remember about the belt? Think hard, Anthony.”
Fuck! Why wouldn’t he just stop? I didn’t want to think about this, let alone talk about it, but I forced myself to think back to that night.
“I remember opening my eyes and being on the ground. I remember hitting my head and how much it hurt. He kept asking me the same fucking questions, which really fucking annoyed me. When he arrived he tried getting me to tell him what I wanted, and I told him I wanted pain that would numb the other pain. Sydney. He asked about implements, and I told him I didn’t care…”
I felt like I had been zapped with electricity. I told him I didn’t care. I basically gave Victor my consent to do as he pleased. Fuck. I shut my eyes to hide. I tried to keep talking, but I felt sick.
“After I hit my head, I think he started talking about a whip or something. By then he was sitting over me, and then he was pulling on my belt.” I remembered back to Saturday night being trapped under him on the floor of my high rise. I swallowed hard to keep the bile from coming up. I had to stop talking. “I don’t remember much else, Blake.”
My head was screaming at me. I was such a fucking idiot. I was drunk off that 190 proof alcohol before Victor even got there probably. And my own fucking mouth told him I didn’t care what he did to me. I was at the early stages of panicking and tried to recover.
“I probably don’t remember undoing the belt to go to the bathroom, or something like that. I was pretty messed up.”
I even tried getting myself to believe that maybe that’s what happened. I took a chance and looked up at Blake. His expression told me that he feared what I feared yesterday. Nervously, I sipped my coffee and looked back over at his pool then back down at the picture of Sydney.
“Anthony, where do you hurt?”
“I hurt everywhere. Sydney has been gone since Friday.”
“I know, son. But yesterday when you woke up and you panicked, was it from feeling pain somewhere?”
I wasn’t going there. I shook my head and kept staring at the photograph of Sydney in my hands. I firmly held the edges of the picture to keep my hands from shaking. I couldn’t think or talk about this anymore. Suddenly, I felt like I might throw up.
“Blake, I need to lie down.”
He nodded and walked inside with me. I took the ibuprofen he offered and went to lie down in the guest room.
“I’ll take you home when you get up.”
“No, Blake. I don’t want to go home. I need to go to Colin’s.”
He looked down at me and smiled.
“Your home is Colin’s.”
I nodded and shut my eyes. I refused to think anymore about the encounter with Victor. Sydney and Colin were my priority. I needed to straighten the fuck out so I could be strong for Colin. When I heard the door close, I rolled to my side and pulled my legs up some to ease the cramping. With the picture of Sydney safely in my hand, I allowed myself to shut my eyes.
It was dark outside when I woke up. I heard quiet talking downstairs and realized it was Cathy talking to Blake. I sat up slowly and massaged my head before I stood. When I stood, I leaned against the bed for support while I clutched my stomach. After a few minutes I headed downstairs but had to make a stop at the bathroom to throw up again. I was so fucked up. When I opened the bathroom door, Blake was standing there with that same concerned look that’s been on his face since Sunday morning.
“How is your head?”
“Better, thank you.”
Blake shook his head at me and told me that I was a terrible liar. He showed me where the mouthwash was, and I took a few swigs. I was a mess.
“Ready?”
I nodded slowly and thanked Cathy for their hospitality and I apologized for dropping in as I had. She was easy going and said it wasn’t a problem. Blake handed me my jacket, and we headed over to Colin’s. It was almost 6:30.
I won’t deny the fact that I was nervous as fuck to walk back into that house. I knew Colin was pissed at me before I left Saturday night and probably pissed when I left. He did send me a text before Victor came over, but nothing else. I’m equally to blame there.
“How are you feeling, Anthony? Do you want to talk about anything?” he asked once we were alone in the car.
“No, I’m fine. Did you talk to Matt or Colin?”
“I sent Matt a text just a little while ago saying you were sleeping and we’d be over after you got up. Arthur and Gloria were bringing over dinner. You need to eat.”
We were quiet for most of the distance, and my thoughts were of Sydney. I pulled the picture out again. I just couldn’t stand not looking at her. What the fuck was Paul doing to her? I’m sure our little kitten was scared, and I’m not sure how much more shit she can take. I wondered if she was shutting down yet. I shook my head as I thought about how Paul somehow got her in broad daylight.
“Blake, do you think I’ll see her again?”
“I do. And I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. I don’t think Paul wants to commit murder.”
That didn’t sit well with me either though. I was glad he thought I’d see her, but hearing the word “murder” caused my stomach to gurgle.
16
Monday, January 13th
Matt
Colin’s head jerked toward the front of the house when we heard the door open. The only person who opened the front door freely was Anthony. Thank fuck, he’s here.
I think Colin was afraid it wasn’t going to be Anthony, and he stayed seated at the table but his eyes were focused in the direction of the great room. I could hear Blake’s voice, and I stood to greet them as Blake and Anthony were walking into the great room. I slowed my pace when I saw a very weakened, depleted Anthony. I was surprised and insta
ntly concerned by the condition of Anthony. He looked worse than Colin and was possibly no better off at all after having left Saturday night. I had never seen Blake look so stressed either. What the fuck?
“Matt,” Blake greeted me and tossed his jacket over the back of the couch while I stood in shock over Anthony.
I made a move towards Anthony with an intention of greeting him by flinging my arm around his shoulders, but he took a step back and shoved his hands in his pockets. He wouldn’t bring his head up to look at me. His behavior honestly worried me greatly because he’s never avoided me.
“Anth,” I said his name but stopped walking towards him. I looked up at Blake, and he shook his head at me. He’s probably still a mess from sustaining the concussion.
My mom came into the great room and went to Anthony and wrapped her arms around him. Anthony flinched and kept his hands in his pockets when she hugged him. He looked extremely uncomfortable but hadn’t moved.
“Hi, Gloria,” Anthony said quietly. His voice was screwed up. I glanced up at Blake, but Blake hadn’t taken his eyes off Anthony yet. Blake was keeping a close eye on Anthony, and it only made me worry more.
I tugged gently on my mom’s arms so she’d give him some room. Anthony looked like he didn’t have much tolerance left. If he feels overwhelmed or like everyone is looking at him, he removes himself. For Colin’s sake, I can’t let him bolt. I motioned for Blake and Anthony to come into the kitchen and told them we just sat down to eat. As we walked, I told Anthony that my parents knew that he and Colin were both involved with Sydney, but he didn’t say anything.
Anthony’s eyes squinted in the bright kitchen and wearily searched the table until he found Colin. Like Colin, I swore I saw calmness pass over Anthony’s face. Anthony exhaled a heavy sigh as Colin got up from the table and walked over to where I stood with Blake and him. I think Anthony was afraid of how Colin would react to him coming home. I knew better though. The bond between Colin and Anthony is very tight and Colin has been a mess without Anthony these past few days. They both needed each other in order to get through this. Colin grabbed Anthony and pulled him into a hug. It was a strong, heavy hug that I think both desperately needed.
