by Drew Sera
Unconditional love and support were things I never knew existed until Colin and Matt. I didn’t understand it and had a hard time grasping the concept. Matt and Colin became close friends; brothers, so to speak. What I had known was wrong; love doesn’t always come with strings attached. Then Sydney entered my life and I learned what it felt like to love a woman and be loved. Being without her, is killing me.
I sighed and went back to focusing on the journal. I was reading about how nervous Sydney had been about trying to bet on my rope night for the charity event. I reached for my chest. This girl was something else. She pushed her fears aside to allow me the chance to show her one of my favorite things to do to a sub. I stumbled across something she had written the day after she let me tie her.
HE TIED ME!!! I loved it! I was a little scared at first, but Anthony was so gentle. He kept talking to me and would slip his fingers between the rope and my skin. I knew I was completely safe with him. I could see how happy Anthony was, and knowing that I was pleasing him, made me feel so good about myself.
Fuck, I love her so damn much. My chest ached and a hard knot was forming in my throat. I remember every second of tying her; the feel of her skin, the warmth of her smile, the trust and love in her eyes. As I was reading, Colin came out and sat on the lounger across from me. He set down a tray on the side table and when I looked up I saw that he had two cans of Coke in his hands. The tray also had two plates with sandwiches and chips. I wasn’t hungry, but it did something to me to see how much he continued to try to take care of me even as resistant as I’ve been.
I took the Coke from his outstretched hand and closed Sydney’s journal. I sat up and turned myself facing his direction while I opened the Coke and sipped.
“I know you’re not hungry, but I thought I’d bring you something, just in case.”
Colin was a Dom down to his bones, and he constantly has to care for others. He is very bright and knows how to get inside someone’s head. I began to think about how quickly and easily he was able to get in Sydney’s head, once he had her under this roof. I wondered if he knew exactly how good for Sydney he was. He was quiet and went on with eating his sandwich while I sat staring at the ground.
“Am I crowding you, Anth? I don’t mean to be.”
I looked up at him and frowned. I don’t want him second-guessing our bond. I knew he was struggling with everything and knew that he felt better when I was around.
“Col, you’re not crowding me. I’m sorry if I make you feel like you’re crowding me. You’re not.”
“I don’t want to suffocate you and make you want to leave.”
My decision to leave the house last Saturday night turned out to be a horrible mistake. I got fucked up, but even worse was what it did to Colin. If I had known what it was going to do to him, I wouldn’t have gone.
But the truth of the matter was that I was suffocating. Sydney was gone, and I don’t know how the fuck to move forward.
“I miss her, Col.” I looked up at him after my declaration and tossed a chip in my mouth. He’s expressed his concern over the lack of my appetite, so I was trying to ease that worry. Something in me just started pushing words out before I could stop them. “I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I go back and forth from feeling like I’m going to be sick to my stomach, to feeling like I’m having a heart attack. I fucking hate it. I feel lost and like I’m waking up missing something. I can’t get enough air sometimes.”
I risked a glance at him and saw that he was staring at me and had a small smile on his face, but his eyes looked glassy. I frowned and looked away.
“I feel all of that too, Anth. I just want to hold her. Tell her not to worry and that she’s safe and we won’t let anything happen to her. The worst thing about that feeling is that I’m afraid she wouldn’t believe me.”
“Col, we can’t feel like taking the blame. Paul is the only one to blame.” I looked him straight in the eyes until I felt like he accepted and believed that. “I should have beat the ever loving fuck out of Paul that night in the dungeon. I was so pissed off and angry that night.”
“I know, but you kept our girl safe.”
My chest felt like it was going to explode. I needed to hold her and be able to wrap my arms around her.
38
Saturday, January 18th
Colin
I should have known that I was due a text. When it chimed, I now found that I reluctantly reached for my phone. It was close to 8:00 p.m. Saturday night when I closed my eyes, knowing what that sound meant. Matt and Anthony were sitting with me in the great room, as were Matt’s parents. I picked the phone up and glanced down.
701-555-5970: She’s almost broken. Took me nearly a week to get her to stop saying your fucking names. She’s a screamer though. Did you know that she doesn’t like the dark?
Attached to the text was a picture in a dimly lit room. The room was probably dark, but there was a small light on her. Probably a flashlight. She was bound and curled up on a cement floor. Her skin was pale, dark circles under her eyes, the bottoms of her feet filthy and cut, her face had bruises and her chest, back, and abdomen had lash marks. Her back now had a handful of red marks that were in varying sizes. My baby. I couldn’t take much more of this fucking shit and by the looks of her, she couldn’t either.
I handed my phone to Anthony so he and Matt could see. I leaned back on the couch and tilted my head to rest on the cushion. I closed my eyes and let my forearm cover my eyes and forehead while I tried clearing the image from my head.
Everyone knew the phone was delivering bad news. Thankfully, Matt’s parents didn’t see it though. They didn’t need to be rocked by those images. I felt the lump in my throat form again when I heard Anthony and Matt quietly discussing the various red marks.
“They’re most likely burns from the wand, Anth. The wand, when safely used, wouldn’t cause burns, but if it’s held over an area for prolonged periods of time, this is what happens.”
I knew this.
“He burned her. He fucking burned her,” Anthony voiced the obvious.
I moved my arm away from my eyes when I heard Matt try to offer some comfort to Anthony, but I wasn’t surprised to watch him wrestle himself free of Matt’s supporting hand. Anthony was now pacing in front of the T.V. and was looking down. He finally asked Matt a question that I didn’t want to hear the answer to.
“How much pain would she have been in from the wand and the flogger?”
I was thankful that Matt’s parents had gone into the kitchen and hadn’t heard this part of the conversation.
“Anth,” I said his name hoping he wouldn’t ask Matt about the amount of pain she would have been in, but he ignored me and pressed Matt.
“Was she in a lot of pain, Matt?”
There was a long pause and Matt leaned over his knees on the couch. He looked at me before returning his attention to Anthony.
“Yeah, she was hurting.”
I suspected as much and I’m sure Anthony did to, but hearing Matt’s confirmation made Anthony stop in his tracks. His hands went to his stomach and I kept my eyes on him, hoping he wouldn’t go seclude himself in the guest room. Soon, Matt’s parents and Gina came back into the great room with some light snacks and Anthony sat back down. I was proud of him for not running to be on his own when I was damn sure the thought crossed his mind.
39
Saturday, January 18th
Anthony
Seeing red doesn’t begin to scrape the surface of what I was feeling. After seeing that picture I tried to be strong for Colin. Eventually we talked with Matt’s parents about Sydney’s fear of the dark.
“You two have been dealing with her fears and nightmares since October. That’s a lot to digest for both of you,” Arthur said. I know he was trying to offer comfort, but I found little comfort in it.
“She’s the one who suffered before Colin got to her. She’s the one suffering now. No matter how rough this is for us, it’s a cake walk compared to wha
t she’s gone through and what’s she’s going through.”
I went upstairs and moped around Colin’s gym after I had been brutally honest downstairs. I did bench presses until I felt the burning in my muscles. This was good. Least I can do is hurt some, just like Sydney.
Fuck. What am I thinking? I did this last Saturday and look where that got me. I headed back to what used to be our room, undressed and turned the shower on. I didn’t wait for it to warm up and I didn’t adjust the temperature either. I let it beat down on me ice cold.
I let my mind drift back to when I first started staying here to help Colin with Sydney. It was my job to be her strong shoulder, encourage her to talk, vent and ask questions. My job was to explain things and hold her while she cried. It was also my job to use subtle instructions with her in the beginning. I remember her preparing the showers for me. It was the first thing I expressed wanting her to do. She’d make sure the water was comfortable. I forced myself to sit in the shower as the ice water ran down my body.
I couldn’t contain a sob as it broke from my chest as I thought about Sydney dealing with the shit from Howard on her own. She told Colin and I how she’d sit in the shower after Howard would leave. In the shower was where she allowed herself to cry, just as I was doing now. She had it dead right; crying in the shower was okay because the tears blended with the water. Unable to control it anymore, I let the dam break loose and let my head drop to rest on my forearms.
After my cold shower, I was shaky, felt sick to my stomach and my head was aching again. What was wrong with me? I don’t know if I was shaky due to a lack of food or the cold water. Maybe a bit of both, but it didn’t fucking matter. Sydney was gone and I was dealing with what I felt like before Sydney, Colin and I grew into a V. No, it was worse. Before Sydney and our V I hadn’t felt anything so powerful and wonderful. I had no idea what I was missing. But now I’m very much aware of what I was missing.
I barely had enough energy to pull on my pajama pants before I sunk to the ground until the wave of nausea and dizziness passed. I closed my eyes for a moment hoping it’d go away. Unfortunately it got worse before it got better and I found myself doubled over the toilet. Colin didn’t need this. I quickly brushed my teeth and went to lie down on the floor. I’d been sleeping there recently in effort to be there for Colin. I just needed to shut my eyes and rest until this passed. I’d feel better in the morning. I pulled Sydney’s blanket up over myself and shut my eyes. I grabbed my stomach and rolled to my side when I felt cramping in my abdomen again.
40
Saturday, January 18th
Matt
As much as I wanted to be there for Colin and Anthony tonight, I needed to spend time with Gina. It’s been about a week now and I fear she’s closing up on me. I suppose she’s doing as well as can be expected, but I needed to help her.
My dad reminded me that Colin and Anthony need a little space from me right before they headed home with Gina. They got home about an hour before I did; I wanted to make sure Colin was settled and didn’t need anything before I left. When I got home my parents were already in bed and I found Gina in the kitchen cutting up credit cards. I frowned and wrapped my arms around her.
“Pet, what are you doing?”
“Cutting up credit cards for some stores.”
Her tone was flat. I narrowed my eyes at the remaining pieces to her Victoria’s Secret card along with other stores she frequented.
“Why are you doing this, pet?”
She shrugged nonchalantly but remained quiet. I was emotionally and physically tired, but we needed to talk. I pulled the scissors carefully from her hands and set them on the counter behind me. I hadn’t heard an answer from her yet and intended to push until I got it.
“Why are you cutting these up, pet?” I repeated, knowing she was close to a breaking point. “Hmm, tell me why, pet.”
I wasn’t surprised when she shook her head, not wanting to say anything else on the subject. She was going to lose that battle with me. Anthony has been doing a lot of this lately, and while I can’t make him divulge info and talk, I can certainly curb Gina from doing it.
“Tell me, pet.”
I nuzzled my cheek against hers and kissed her forehead.
“I’m never going to those places again! Or any other store for that matter! I’m done shopping!”
“Pet, you don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do!” she yelled and then broke down in tears.
I knew this is what she needed, despite her not wanting an emotional conversation; we most certainly were having this one now. She cried and I held her tight in my arms, encouraging her to cry and let it out.
When the tears stopped, I dried her eyes and kissed her tear-streaked face. She felt guilt and fear over the incident from last week.
“I am afraid Colin and Anthony blame me,” she whispered.
I pulled back from her and took her face in my hands and searched her eyes while shaking my head, stunned. I was shocked she’d say or think that, but guilt is a natural feeling when something like this happens.
“Gina, they don’t blame you, pet. How could they blame you?”
“I can’t stand looking at their faces and seeing all of that sadness and hurt. I should have insisted that Sydney come with me. I felt sick when I saw her collar and candy. All I thought of while I waited in the restaurant for you guys was how I was going to be able to look Colin and Anthony in the eyes.”
More tears fell but they needed to.
“Why didn’t Paul just fight it out with Colin? Why did he have to take her? She’s my only friend, and now I’ve lost her.”
“Sweetheart, Paul knew that if he took Sydney, he’d cripple Colin. Paul isn’t stable, Gina. You remember seeing him that night fighting with Anthony. I wanted to knock his head off for messing with them.”
She was settling down in my arms, and I knew she was feeling better when she added, “Anthony could have taken Paul in a fight.”
As I carried Gina upstairs to put her to bed, I couldn’t help but think about Anthony and whatever the fuck happened last Saturday night. I set Gina down gently on the bed and looked down at her. She had that look in her eyes, but I wasn’t sure I could follow through with what she needed. I took a deep breath and knew I really needed to clear my head quickly.
Gina likes and needs rough play for cathartic reasons. I knew Sydney’s disappearance has been weighing a lot on Gina. She’s been stuck with my parents more than I would prefer, but under the circumstance, it has been necessary. But now I could see how much she needed it. I gazed in her eyes trying to decide my course.
“Please, Sir.”
As hard as it was to deny those needy eyes, I knew that I needed to be in a better headspace. Plus I couldn’t give her what she needed while my parents were downstairs. Last thing I needed were for my parents to hear something and suspect I’m hurting Gina.
“Tell you what, pet, tomorrow I will give you exactly what you need. No holding back.”
41
Sunday, January 19th
Colin
I was glad that Matt went home to sleep last night. He left 11:00 p.m. and said he’d be over in the morning. When I got upstairs, Anthony was sleeping, actually sleeping. Granted it was on the floor, but at least he was sleeping. He needed the rest.
I woke up around 7:30 a.m. and went to take a shower and get ready for my day. The detectives were supposed to stop by this afternoon to give us some updates. I hoped there’d be something positive. I dressed in jeans and a black tee shirt and headed downstairs. No sign of Anthony though, which made me nervous. I know it’s probably a reaction to the shit Paul has pulled and last Saturday, but I start to panic if I don’t know where Anthony is.
The coffee began to brew as I sat at the breakfast bar thinking. I allowed my leg to bounce nervously while I was lost in my thoughts. The beep alerting me the coffee was done brought me back to the present, and I headed over to pour a cup. I looked outside the big windows in the
kitchen and noticed the patio door was ajar. Anthony.
I headed outside and felt relieved when I saw him. He was sitting on the chaise lounger with his legs bent at his knees and was writing in a small notebook. From a distance he looked worried and stressed, but as I got closer I noticed that he was pale and his eyes were red. He didn’t look well.
“Hey,” he greeted me. Even his greeting sounded painful and his voice was rough.
“Anth. Fuck, man. You don’t look well.”
He didn’t agree or deny anything. He must have been chilled because he was bundled up with a few layers of shirts. I reached over and felt his forehead. He felt feverish.
“I’m just a little under the weather today. I shouldn’t have gone to bed with wet hair last night.”
I was trying to be patient with him, but my frustration was growing by leaps and bounds. I shook my head at him and focused on the flag in the cup out on the golf course.
“So that’s what this is from? Wet hair?”
I tossed his answer back at him hoping he’d realize how fucking ridiculous his answer to me was. Wet fucking hair my ass. There was other shit going on with him that was making him sick and act like this. This wasn’t over going to bed with wet hair.
Anthony always had to be the strong one. The one who rarely broke or showed any emotions. I knew he was trying to be strong for me, but I also knew that he was in physical pain. It’s getting worse for him and he won’t let Matt look him over.
I managed to get him to come back inside with me. At least it was warmer in there. He sat at the kitchen table while I got some stuff out for breakfast. While I was making oatmeal and some toast, Matt had let himself in along with Gina.
