by Paul Gamble
“A shopping center?” asked Jack as they walked past the stores. “Hey, look, maybe we could get bandages or something at the pharmacy?”
Trudy kept walking and Jack had to rush to keep up with her.
Trudy stopped outside a shop that had a large, shiny black sign with the words Neptune’s Den written above it in letters that were clearly meant to look as if they had been made out of seaweed. “In here.”
“Really?” Jack asked. “But isn’t this like a soap shop?”
As Jack walked into Neptune’s Den, he was momentarily stunned by a cloud of perfume smells so dense he felt as if he’d been mugged by an enormous bunch of chrysanthemums. The shop was full of cleansing products—moisturizers, lotions, unguents,29 bubble bath, soap, loofahs, sponges, washcloths. Every product that could be used for cleaning the human body could be found in this shop.
Trudy picked up a jar of sparkling pink bath salts, which caught the light and glittered. “Have you ever used any of these things? They’re amazing. When I hurt myself in gymnastics training, I put this stuff in the bath and it really helped the pain go away. It’s almost like instant healing.” Trudy looked along the shelves and also picked up some lotion and a fancy sea sponge Jack could use to apply it.
“All this stuff helps with bruising and muscular pain?” asked Jack as he rubbed his shoulder. “I could be converted, I suppose.” He was shocked by how much the sponge cost—after all, who really needed sponges? Wouldn’t a washcloth do the same job? Luckily Jack became less shocked when Trudy sighed and said she would pay for it.
While Trudy was paying the cashier, Jack experienced a strange feeling. He was almost certain that he recognized the cashier, but he wasn’t sure where from. The cashier’s black hair was pulled back in a severe ponytail, and she had eyes that were as green as the sign on the front of the shop.
He decided to talk to her and see if that jogged his memory. “Umm, sorry, but I was just wondering why this stuff is all so expensive?”
The cashier flashed a cold smile at Jack. “Well, these are natural products—one hundred percent organic. These sponges are actually picked from the bottom of the ocean. The top-quality products that we sell in these shops will help you hold back the aging process and retain your youth and good looks.”30
Jack wondered when washing yourself had become so complicated. In the old days he was fairly sure people just dumped a bucket of water from the well over their heads. He also couldn’t understand why people were always so obsessed with holding back the aging process. He couldn’t wait until he was eighteen and could finally do whatever he pleased. However, the thought of aging sparked something in Jack’s head. Suddenly he realized where he had seen the woman before. “Last time I saw you, you were older.”
The cashier and Trudy both stared at Jack. “I/she was older?”
Jack nodded. “Yes. At the aquarium.”
For the merest split second the woman’s face froze. “You must be mistaken. I’ve never been to the aquarium.”
Jack stared at the woman very hard indeed. Apart from the fact that her face was no longer wrinkled and she looked fifty years younger, Jack was almost certain that this was the same woman he had seen walking into the sea at the aquarium.
“I think you may have lost it entirely this time,” Trudy said, interrupting Jack’s thoughts. “People don’t get younger; it’s impossible.”
Jack knew what Trudy was saying was true, and yet he was sure. He shook his head, pretending to clear it. “Maybe I’m wrong. Sorry, it’s been a hard day.”
The cashier perked up again. “Hard day? Why not try one of our relaxing bath bombs?”
“Bath bomb?” asked Jack. “That sounds like the least relaxing thing ever.”
Trudy laughed. “They aren’t real bombs, they just fizz up in the bath, filling it with bath salts and perfume.”
Jack looked at the round, orange, powdery ball that the cashier held out to him. “How much is it?”
“You can have it for free with the bath salts, lotions, and sponges your friend bought.” The strange cashier smiled, and it sent a shudder through Jack’s body.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
JACK AND JILL
FETCHING A BUCKET OF WATER FROM THE WELL
“Jack and Jill” is a cautionary tale to which all operatives should pay attention. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. This is stupidity personified. If there is one thing we know it is that water will always flow downhill. Therefore Jack and Jill should have waited at the bottom of the hill for the water to come to them.
This would have prevented tumbling injuries and collateral damage to crowns.
* * *
12
THE THIRD DEGREE
After the Ministry car dropped them at home, Jack used a skillful combination of pretending he was doing homework and hiding in his room to avoid getting asked any questions by his parents. However, when he came down for dinner his father was ready for him sitting patiently at the kitchen table reading a newspaper. Jack’s father’s mustache was looking at the horoscopes. Jack’s mother had just finishing setting plates of spaghetti Bolognese out for them all.
Jack’s father started the questioning. “Did you get dropped off by that Trudy girl’s father?”
“Um, yeah.”
“That’s the second time that’s happened. When are we going to meet this Trudy girl?” Jack’s father asked. His mustache agreed that it was a good question.
“How about never, Dad?”
“Well, if she’s your girlfriend…”
Jack said nothing but slumped into a chair and took a mouthful of the spaghetti Bolognese. His parents had always told him not to speak with his mouth full; maybe this was a good way to avoid questions. However, it merely gave his mother a chance to start asking questions of her own. “Jack, I was just upstairs hanging up your uniform. Why has the end been cut off your tie?”
“Yes, umm, perhaps that was in some way related to…”
“And your trousers were very damp with a hole in the leg.”
“It’s like this.…,” said Jack, stalling desperately for time. “Ummm … one of the teachers asked me to help carry a refill bottle to the water cooler in the teacher’s lounge.”
“That doesn’t explain anything,” said his mother, becoming more impatient and suspicious.
“Ah, no, well … I got David to help me.”
“David!” both his parents said at once.
“Well, that explains it,” said his father.
“I’m surprised you made it back from school alive.” His mother shuddered. “Look, we don’t mind you hanging around with David; he’s a nice boy. But you have to avoid trying to do anything with him that involves the possibility of falling over, being crushed, or anything like that.”
Jack smiled. Sometimes it was good to have a friend who was almost legendary for his clumsiness. Jack bolted down the last mouthful of his spaghetti and stood up.
“Do you mind if I have a bath tonight? I’ve had a hard day and I need to relax.”
“A relaxing bath?” Jack’s mother raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, I’ve got myself a bath bomb.”
“You got yourself a bath bomb?” Jack’s father raised an eyebrow.
“Well, a friend got me a bath bomb.”
“A friend got you a bath bomb?” Jack’s mother raised her other eyebrow.
“What’s with the questions? Trudy bought me a bath bomb.”
“Trudy bought you a bath bomb?” Jack’s father raised his other eyebrow.
Jack sighed. At least now that all his parents’ eyebrows were raised they couldn’t make fun of him anymore.
“Yes, Trudy is my friend and she bought me a bath bomb. But we’re just friends.”
“Just friends?” said Jack’s father and raised his mustache.
Jack sighed so deeply that he almost passed out. “If either of you want me, I shall be upstairs in the bath
pretending I am a shipwrecked orphan.”
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
HOROSCOPES
WHY HOROSCOPES ARE 100% ACCURATE
Many people feel that horoscopes are antiscientific nonsense. After all, how can there only be twelve different types of people in the world? But actually horoscopes are 100 percent accurate. It’s just that originally they weren’t meant for people.
The clue is there in the names of the various astrological signs. People aren’t fish or lions or goats. Star signs were originally not meant to be used depending on what time of the year someone was born—but rather on what kind of creature they were or what job they did. Therefore, the forecasts made by horoscopes used to be incredibly accurate.
A typical horoscope for Cancer the Crab would normally have read, Today you will mainly wander around a rock pool. You might nip someone with one of your claws at some stage. If you were Gemini the Twins, your horoscope would normally read, The chance of your bumping into someone who looks a lot like you is fairly high today.
The most boring horoscopes were always those for Libra the Scales, which generally read, Unless someone wants to do a chemistry experiment, it looks like another day staring at the inside of the Science Room cupboard for you.
Generally the most enigmatic of all the horoscopes is that of Taurus the Bull. Back when horoscopes were proper horoscopes this would almost always read, Stay away from mad scientists; that would end badly. Also, try not to get lost in any mazes.
Today’s horoscopes are pale imitations of those of the classical era.
* * *
13
THE WORLD’S MOST BIZARRE GAME OF CHARADES
Jack changed into his dressing gown and turned the tap to start the bath running. The water pipes made a clanking noise, which was something that Jack always thought was slightly odd. His parents said that the water pipes made that noise because they were old, but that didn’t seem to make any sense. Why would water make a clanking and banging noise just because you had put it in a pipe? Water didn’t make a clanking noise if you put it in a glass—even if you left it on your bedside cabinet overnight.
While the bath was running Jack read the instructions on the bath bomb.
Run bath. Hold bath bomb a few inches above the water and drop it in. Enjoy your relaxing bath!
Seems easy enough, Jack thought.
The bath was almost full and Jack leaned over to turn off the hot tap. He tested the water to make sure it was piping hot as he liked it. Now to add the bath bomb …
Jack’s hand hovered above the water for a second. There was a thought in the back of his mind.
Why was it called a bath bomb? I mean, weren’t bombs generally considered bad things? Didn’t they hurt people? He’d never once heard a story on the news announcing “A bomb went off today, making six people smell nice and causing dozens in the surrounding area to feel very relaxed indeed.”
So to call something pleasant a “bath bomb” was very strange indeed. Unless it was a kind of cruel joke? Two weeks ago, before he joined the Ministry of SUITs, Jack would never have been quite this suspicious. But now … well, it was better to be safe than sorry. He walked over to the shower cubicle and got behind the folding Plexiglas screen. Then after crouching down as low as he could he lobbed the bath bomb toward the water.
For a second the orange powdery ball seemed to hang in the air before splashing into the water. There was a loud fizzing followed by an enormous bang and crash. A jet of water shaped like a mushroom cloud spouted out of the bath. The bath shattered and small pieces of it flew across the room. One piece hit and cracked the shower screen Jack was crouched behind. Jack threw himself back against the tiled wall in surprise. The surprise faded quickly, however, as this kind of thing seemed to be happening a lot in his life recently.
After checking that he hadn’t been injured, Jack stood up and stepped out of the shower. He had briefly thought that the strangest thing he was going to see that day was an exploding bath bomb destroying his parents’ bathroom. As usual he was quite badly wrong. Lying amongst the wreckage of the bath was an enormous black spider that looked slightly stunned. As if the bath bomb had not been enough, Jack now had to cope with the reality that a giant spider had been trapped in the cavity beneath his bathtub. How long had it been there? Luckily, the spider was mostly unharmed, as most of the blast had been absorbed by the ceramic bath. But then again, was that lucky?
The spider’s body was almost the size of an exercise ball and its legs were at least four feet long. The spider gazed up at Jack with two sets of three eyes grouped closely together.
The sight of a strange creature in an unusual place with so many legs sent a shudder through Jack as he remembered the crab. He wondered if the spider was going to attack him. The bathroom was far too small to be able to use The Speed effectively. Jack backed into the shower cubicle again, drawing the screen in front of him. He really hoped this was as strange as things were going to get today. Then a thought hit him. How was he going to explain a demolished bath and a giant spider to his parents? He wasn’t even sure he could have explained it to himself.
The spider started banging its legs frantically on the floor. It rapped and knocked at a prodigious speed.
“Why does everyone seem to be trying to tell knock-knock jokes today?” Jack muttered.
The spider stopped and seemed to be thinking for a moment. Then it held up two of its legs and joined them together. It seemed as if it was shaking hands with itself. Jack slowly leaned out from behind the screen and held out a hand. The spider extended a leg for Jack to grab hold of, and they slowly shook appendages.
“Okay, so you’re friendly. But what are you doing here? You’ll understand that I’m suspicious. Because you’re a giant spider who was hiding under my bath.”31
From outside the room Jack heard his parents running up the stairs.
“That’ll be my parents coming up to see what the explosion was. If they find you here, they’ll think … Well, I don’t know what they’ll think, because I’m not really sure what I think. Who or what are you? Apart from a giant spider that was hiding beneath the bath—because that much is obvious.”
The spider stroked his chin with four legs for a moment and then held a leg up in front of himself. Using his limbs in a most amazing way, the spider contorted himself into a series of letters that spelled out a single word—
S.…. U.…. I.…. T.…. S
“The Ministry?… You’re an operative.… Or you just know…?”
Before Jack could finish his sentence he could hear his parents knocking at the locked door. “Jack, there was an explosion!” It was his mother’s voice.
“There’s water coming through the ceiling downstairs,” shouted his father.
“Yes, but we’re mainly worried that you’re okay.”
“Oh, um, yes, that too…” said his father sheepishly. “Are you okay?”
Jack looked at the door and then at the spider. The spider pointed one long hairy leg at the window over the sink. Jack ran over and opened it. Before Jack could even offer to give it a leg up the spider had jumped onto the sink, clambered up the wall, and squeezed out the window. The last Jack saw of him was one hairy, beclawed leg waving through the window.
That was not the relaxing bath I was hoping for, Jack thought as he opened the door to his parents.
“What happened?” his father asked, surveying the wreckage with a look of horror.
Jack sucked his teeth. “I think it must have been a faulty bath bomb. Or maybe there was something wrong with the plumbing.” The pipes under the bath were broken and twisted and still leaking water. “You know the way the pipes are always making a clanking sound? Maybe there was something more wrong than we thought.” Jack steeled himself to be shouted at.
His mother hugged him. “As long as you’re safe.” That was the thing about mothers. They were brilliant.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T
.S HANDBOOK
SPIDERS
WHY THEY ARE SO GOOD AT CLIMBING
Scientists over the years have claimed that spiders are so good at climbing because they have sticky feet that adhere to walls. This is of course ridiculous. Things that stick are not good at climbing. They are good at sticking. That is what sticking means. It means that you have an ability to stay in the same place that you are put. If sticky things were good at climbing, that would mean that the next time you need the glue you wouldn’t need to look through the drawer that you keep old hooks, dud batteries, Scotch tape, and small candles in. Instead the conversation in your house would go something more like this:
“Hey, Mum, can you bring me up a broom handle? The glue stick’s escaped and climbed onto the ceiling again.”
This hardly ever happens.
The real reason that spiders are good at climbing is because they have eight legs. If you ever have to climb something particularly difficult, the easiest thing to do is to ask a friend to give you a “leg up.” Spiders having eight legs can continually give themselves a leg up by forming a cradle of two of their other legs under a third. This makes them the world’s greatest climbers.
Some physicists have said that this is ridiculous and have said that it would be similar to saying that you could pull yourself up by your own hair. Something they claim is patently impossible. However, it isn’t impossible at all; you just have to try really hard. The reason that most physicists can’t do this is because they spend all their time in the lab rather than the gym. No wonder they can’t pull themselves up by their own hair when most of them couldn’t even do a chin-up.
Some scientists have even suggested that spiders use little tiny hooks on their feet to climb, like you find on Velcro. Anyone who has ever had experience with Velcro knows that this is ridiculous. Spiders are silent creatures who scurry across the wall without your even noticing them. Velcro is incredibly noisy and makes a huge ripping sound when you pull it away. If spiders actually had Velcro on their feet, you would constantly be interrupted while watching television by a spider in the corner doing what would essentially be the world’s noisiest tap dance.
