by Paul Gamble
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
Copyright © 2017 by Paul Gamble
A FEIWEL AND FRIENDS BOOK
An imprint of Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC
175 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10010
mackids.com
All rights reserved.
Feiwel and Friends logo designed by Filomena Tuosto
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
Our eBooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at (800) 221-7945 ext. 5442 or by e-mail at [email protected].
First hardcover edition 2017
eBook edition July 2017
eISBN 9781250123411
1 If you want a visual image of this, think of a running track designed by the world’s most sadistic gym teacher.
2 The same was true of Sir Isaac Newton when he discovered gravity. There was actually very little evidence for gravity. You can’t see gravity, it doesn’t smell like anything, and it rarely if ever turns up at family reunions talking about how it’s recently gotten a new job as a truck driver. The only evidence that Newton had for gravity was that an apple had fallen on his head. An apple falling on your head doesn’t really prove anything. Other than that you are probably sitting in an orchard.
3 This is most apparent because when people are telling you the truth about something, they will generally just make a statement. However, when they are lying, they will add the word “Honestly!” at the end of their sentence.
4 When Jack was in elementary school, one of his teachers had told them that if a girl hit him, it was a secret message and probably meant that she liked him. During third grade, a girl in his class had hit him regularly; however, Jack could never figure out what the secret message was. In the end, he assumed that the lumps she was raising on his arms may have been a message in braille. Over the next few months, Jack went home and checked his arms every night using the braille article in his World Book Encyclopedia.
As it transpired, she had spelled out I LARVE HUGH in braille bumps. Jack suspected that maybe this meant she had loved him. She had been in the remedial spelling class after all.
5 Most people have the ability to turn around. Why not try it yourself? You know the way that normally someone suggests trying something at home, but then says you should make sure you have parental supervision? This isn’t one of those times. Just turn around unsupervised. It’s fairly safe. Enjoy it … knock yourself out (but only metaphorically knock yourself out, don’t literally do that—because then you would need parental supervision).
6 For those of you who have not read The Ministry of SUITs, legally, the Tooth Fairy owns all teeth that are placed under a pillow at any time. It’s part of the small print on your birth certificate.
7 Try saying that quickly six times.
8 The Speed was a skill taught to all Ministry operatives, which allowed them to move and fight more quickly than their opponents. It was a bit like a martial art, except you didn’t have to wear your pajamas in order to practice it. It worked through the observation that when you are unhappy time seems to move slowly. Therefore, if you concentrate on sad thoughts, you can miraculously make yourself move impossibly fast.
9 Thus converting the pessimist into the realist.
10 It is very important that we shouldn’t condemn our heroes for running away. All too often running away is considered a sign of cowardice, which it isn’t. Actually, running away is a sign of intelligence. Ninety-nine percent of heroes spend most of their lives running away. The reason this generally isn’t represented in historic accounts is simple. The only people who actually live to write histories are the people who survive by judiciously running away. Generally, when they write the history they then replace the passages that should read “then I soiled myself and ran away” with passages reading “then I heroically fought against incredible odds, emerging victorious thanks to my bravery.”
The saying “he who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day” should be replaced with “he who fights and runs away gets editorial control over historical narratives.”
If only General Custer had thought to run away at the Battle of Little Bighorn, then he wouldn’t have been made to seem like a crazed egomaniac with a ridiculous blond, permed mullet in all those movies they made about him.
11 This is a relatively foolish thing to wish. If your arms were really that long, you’d spend your life with permanently skinned knuckles, as they’d constantly be dragging along the ground. To be fair, they’d be useful for swinging between branches on trees, but would make buying a nice shirt that actually fit you almost impossible. This is why you rarely see orangutans in evening wear.
12 Or should that be “Your seal is doomed”?
13 For those of you who don’t know, Cthulhu is an interdimensional creature of enormous power who longs to drive the world insane. He also runs the filing system at the Ministry of SUITs. His head is shaped like a squid. It’s best not to think about what the rest of him might be shaped like.
14 In many ways the vampire squid is the saddest of all the squid as it doesn’t even eat live animals—just dead carcasses. Therefore, the vampire squid doesn’t even get a chance to have a chat with its dinner before eating it.
It’s also worthwhile to note that if you are trying to make friends, it’s best not to eat them. Most cultures consider this a bit of a social faux pas.
15 People often assume that cute animals are not dangerous. However, Ministry field agents should be aware that “cute” is often Mother Nature’s way of luring you in for a sucker punch. One of the Ministry’s most deadly agents is a cuddly teddy bear with a squeezable body and an array of sharp and pointy weapons that wouldn’t look out of place in a History Channel special on the Medieval period.
16 I can’t actually come up with a word that describes quite how fast this is. Many of you will be aware that there is a book called a thesaurus that allows you to look up a word and find other words with similar meanings. Normally if I needed to find another word for fast, I’d just look it up in my thesaurus. However, the other night I got a bit cocky and looked up the word thesaurus in my thesaurus and it exploded, subsequently creating an incredibly verbose dimensional rift in the corner of my room. I shouted at it, “Please get out of my office! I’m terrified.” It hesitated for a moment and then, in a calm but echoey, modulating voice, explained to me that I was also frightened, petrified, scared, alarmed, and panicked. And you know what? It was right.
17 Trudy is, of course, hugely factually inaccurate in making this statement. I’m sure we can all remember that just a few chapters ago our heroes were trying to run from the Tooth Fairy.
This is exactly what I was talking about back in footnote 10, about how people who run away get to “write history” and conveniently forget facts that would otherwise be embarrassing to them.…
18 It is an interesting fact that the information cards at aquariums don’t tell you the weaknesses of animals. If you are wondering why this is, the truth as always is simple. They want you to try and preserve the animals. Not wrestle with them.
Conservation and environmentalism are important. It’s just that they’re not a whole lot of fun. If someone tells you that they are, they’re almost definitely trying to sell you a membership to the World Wildlife Fund. I’ve got one, with the cuddly panda and everything. I’ll be honest: It was a mistake. Someone came to the door and asked me if I wanted to join the WWF and I thought they meant the Wildlife Wrestling Fund. Now I’ve got a direct debit coming out of my account every month and I keep getting newsletters about endangered species.
I wouldn’t mind so much, but they won’t even let me wrestle with any of the animals. Try and tell me there’s a person alive who doesn’t want to put a Three-toed Sloth in a headlock.
1
9 Jack, of course, is right about this. All crabs know karate, not just the Japanese ones. The reason for this is that crabs are builders, and as anyone who has read the first Ministry of SUITs book will know, all martial arts were originally invented by builders.
20 Being charged by a creature who moves sideways is a very strange experience. Due to perspective the creature keeps getting nearer to you, but as it’s never actually facing you, you sort of assume that it’s going the other way.
21 It’s interesting to note that if you had attached flags to the crab’s legs and read the “semaphore” that the crab was accidentally signaling, it would have read, “Help! I’m an enormous crab and I’m about to be trapped.” However, this was not intentional, but just a strange coincidence. This happens a lot more often than you would think.
22 The Ministry of Strange, Unusual, and Impossible Things. You should know this already, really. It’s on the cover and everything.
23 It should be noted Grey was badly misquoting one of the best lines, from one of the best films ever. And we should be glad that he misquoted it badly. Because otherwise we would currently be getting sued for copyright infringement.
24 Remember this. It becomes important later on.…
25 Collective nouns are the words we use to describe groups of things. The collective noun for a group of cows is a herd—“a herd of cows.” There are other examples—some more collective nouns would be “a vanity of films stars” or “a confusion of politicians.” The collective noun for a group of bruises is “an ouch.”
26 Blackbeard the pirate had nearly stolen Northern Ireland by using wind turbines as propellers, intending to use it as the world’s biggest pirate ship. This sort of thing happens all the time.
27 This statement is slightly incorrect. Cthulhu was the second-to-last person who would cheer you up. The last person who would cheer you up would be the Misery.
28 The Misery, for those of you who have been fortunate enough to not meet him, was a teenage boy who helped train Ministry operatives for special missions. The Misery was possibly the most unhappy being in the universe and the only person who hated the world even more than Cthulhu. Unlike Cthulhu, however, the Misery was not interested in trying to destroy the world. Rather he preferred to just ignore it as much as possible. The Misery suspected that the world was just being horrible to everyone in an attempt to get people’s attention. And, frankly, the Misery wasn’t going to give in to any kind of universe that was that needy.
29 Very few people know the difference between a lotion and an unguent. They are almost exactly the same in every way. Except that for some reason an unguent costs twice as much.
30 People are often obsessed with holding back the aging process so they can look good forever. This seems a tad unfair for ugly people, who may be able to hold back the aging process, but will still look “young and ugly” rather than “old and ugly.” Which doesn’t really seem like a good deal to me.
31 Jack had used all the words in that sentence before in his life. However, he had never used them in precisely that order. Jack wondered if, when he had completed his time in the Ministry, he would have used all the words ever thought up, in every conceivable order.
32 If Jack had really been thinking, he would have been more suspicious. After all, sausages are called bangers sometimes. However, on this occasion we can forgive his lack of suspicion, as the sausages were supplied by his mother and it was the first thing in the morning, before Jack has even kick-started his thinking with a shower.
33 There is. It’s sixteen. When you’re sixteen you’re allowed to blow things up, but you’re still not allowed to vote, for some reason.
34 For those of you who don’t know, fracking is the name for a process called “hydraulic fracturing.” This is a way of drilling into the ground, then pumping in water to try and crack rocks to release natural gas. The natural gas can then be used to heat water and houses. Many of you will think that this sounds like a ridiculous explanation. And of course it is. The real and more sinister reason for fracking will only become apparent in Chapter Forty-seven of this book.
35 David is almost literally saying that he would give his right arm not to have to play football again. It should be noted that this saying means you really want something more than almost anything else. In the spider world the same expression merely means that you’d quite like something—after all, you have a good deal more limbs than you really need. It is difficult to definitively state how many legs are the perfect number. (Some people have suggested that three is good; if you do not believe this, please discuss with your nearest stool.) In the snake world it is a phrase that is never used except sarcastically.
36 Static’s awesome power was based on building up electricity charges by rubbing his feet on polyester carpet. His was the second-worst origin story for a superhero ever. If you are interested, the worst superhero origin story ever is that of Tea-Towel Boy. Sadly they no longer publish Tea-Towel Boy comics, as he was eventually killed by his archnemesis the Dishwashing-Machine Avenger.
37 For those of you who are impressed by the fact that Static used the word egregiously in the correct way, it is important to know that he had a Superhero Word of the Day Calendar. Today’s word had been egregious and he had been trying to crowbar it into a sentence since he’d gotten up.
38 The lesson to be learned from this story is that, if you absolutely must work with mad scientists, it is imperative that you give them very clear instructions indeed.
This is why if you leave a mad scientist to put together your IKEA furniture you’re highly likely to come back and find your TV and DVD set up nestling nicely in the midst of a sideboard/Deathray.
39 Jack is the first and will probably be the only person ever to wish this. When most people think about how construction workers look their first thought is that they generally wish the workers wore belts so that you couldn’t see quite as much of their buttocks.
40 Here Trudy means that avoiding a Minotaur while she had one arm in a sling is difficult. She isn’t implying that the Minotaur had one arm in a sling. Because it didn’t. On this occasion we can forgive her the terminological inexactitude of this statement as she is under a certain amount of pressure. Because she is trying to avoid a Minotaur with one arm in a sling.
41 Jack’s suggestion here is quite clearly ridiculous. Of course you never see an octopus with bracelets. The cost would be prohibitive. If you’re buying jewelry for an octopus, the sensible thing is clearly to go for a necklace.
42 A Minotaur called Alan is entirely realistic. Minotaurs exist. They have to be called something. Some of them will be called Alan.
43 If indeed there were actually lungs inside his gray, decaying, squidlike body. The world is actually a lot neater than people realize. For example, we all have our organs on the inside of our bodies. It would be frightfully messy if they hung on the outside. However, this is exactly the kind of thing that would amuse Cthulhu.
44 Have you ever noticed that however is an anagram of whoever? I just did. Not that I have anything very interesting to say about it. Just thought I’d mention it.
45 You may notice that Grey called Bigfoot “Bigfoot” instead of referring to him by the term Sizularly Challenged Bipedal Simian. Grey didn’t much care for political correctness.
46 Someone should. And they would. But not until Ministry of SUITs 3.
47 Many of you will know that the word passage not only means a corridor, but can also refer to a short section of a book. The reason this happened is that in the old days secret passages in stately homes were always accessed by pulling a book out of a bookcase in a library. Therefore, eventually people started using the word passage in connection with books themselves. This is 100 percent true. Or at least it will be in about ten minutes after I’ve finished editing the right section in Wikipedia.
48 Additionally, the disaster led to another rule being added. It was a simple rule that banned David from taking part in future experiments.
<
br /> 49 Please don’t try this at home. And for that matter don’t go around to your friend’s houses to try it either. Especially if their houses are nicer than yours or have white carpets.
50 Lough is basically an Irish word for lake. So what’s the difference between a lough and a lake? Well, because you find loughs in Ireland, they’re generally a lot colder. (Unless of course you’re reading this in Canada. In which case you beat us. Because Irish loughs may be cold, but you aren’t able to play hockey on top of them.)
51 George Lucas, if you’re reading my book and you want to make a film about this, give me a call. I’ve got a cracking script already written. It all starts with … but I don’t want to spoil it for you.… Just call.…
52 Villains often make the mistake of trying to kill their enemies in a ridiculously elaborate manner. Even if it actually works, frankly, it just isn’t cost-effective. Imagine the price of sausages if butchers adopted this approach. “Well, Mr. Pig, I’m going to make you into sausages. But first I have put you inside a glass cage suspended above a pit of alligators. Now you’ll notice that the wire holding up the cage has been coated in acid.…”
53 In particular Jack had noticed the man continually looking at his watch as he did things. The only type of person who does this is one who bills by the hour. Novelists aren’t concerned with time, as we don’t bill by the hour. We generally bill by the word. Pumpkins. Rolodex.
54 In many ways this spoiled the drama of the moment. Because he sighed with his hand over his mouth, it made a raspberry noise. Remember this, if you want to be dramatic in a similar situation. It’s drop the hand first, then sigh.
55 It is worth noting that lawyers are actually the origin of the phrase “you could have heard a pin drop.” Any normal person wouldn’t care whether they could hear a pin drop or not. However, a lawyer would think to herself, “A dropped pin—if someone stands on one, it could turn into a lawsuit.” Therefore, the ping of a pin dropping is like music to a lawyer’s finely tuned ears.
