by Bruce Wagner
Hey ho Hey ho
It’s off to Sweden we go.
With S. J. (Ron) Perelman in tow
Hey ho!
She would offer him lessons not just in patience but endurance. A long-distance careerist, Fran knew how to pace herself to win. Bud dreamed of that moment when his own Nobelist would be climbing up his ass in a sold-out Q&A at the New York Public Library . . . the air crackling with pulse-pounding chic, that nearly unbearable, blackout-inducing, we-have-no-more-tickets-folks, I-can’t-believe-I-am-here! they-are-legends-and-this-is-history! mania. Fran astonished him. Only a serious hairdon’t kept her from being the 4th Kardashian———————————————Steve and Karen were standing now and awkwardly embraced. As they held hands, Steve playfully mimed an exhortation for the audience to stand in ovation, which it did, the appreciative mob laughing and applauding. The talk had been rather serious, at times strenuous, a bit heavy going—the mood suddenly lightened, and pleasant relief abounded. Karen couldn’t help herself from cracking up as Steve, clown prince, mugged for the crowd, clapping back at them. The applause grew rhythmic as Steve began the Zorba dance. Egged on by her interviewee, Karen Zorba’d too. Sweet pandemonium.
Steve would be signing books. Bud thought about waiting in line, but there were too many people.
MISSED CALL/VOICEMAIL was on the face of his phone.
He listened on the way to the lot.
It was the office of Chris Silbermann, leaving word.
The president of ICM.
EXPLICIT
[Reeyonna]
gossip girls*
*(white girl mobbin)
She
sat next to Rikki in the school auditorium where some early Glee episodes were filmed. Rikki, lightskinned pharaoh-looking Rikki, father of her relatively soon-to-be-born child, gender unknown. The speaker was a darkerskinned handsome-ish young man who was once a child soldier in Sierra Leone. He evidently slaughtered a lot of people (so he said) not just because the commanders of various so-called Lord’s Armies brainwashed him to but because he and his murderous schoolboy friends were loaded on some kind of gunpowder he said they were forced (yeah right) to snort by their leaders, that was like snorting coke. Oh, is that your excuse? It was like The Hunger Games, but all black and without the games.
His name was Ishmael Beah.
The darkerskinned handsome boy stood at the lectern in coat and tie saying he/they killed men, women and children, even members of their own families. Rikki was more interested in what he had to say than she was, which was actually an understatement, it looked like Rikki was obsessed, studying the fellow. Man-boy crush time. Rikki & his friends were enjoying hearing about the drugs & the killing, and how this fellow—his name was Ishmael—never even had to go to jail. He wrote a book about it instead that made him rich & famous and now he worked for the U.N. Ishmael went on to say that there were other (former) childsoldiers, all his rehabilitated homies, who now lived in Seattle or wherever, pursuing careers in rap.
. . .
Afterschool, Reeyonna and her girlfriends kicked it at the house, & smoked purp.
– Did you know about Laurence Fishburne’s daughter?
– I can’t remember who Laurence Fishburne is. In my head.
– He’s an actor. Lemme use your phone.
– No—I have it. Oh! Yeah! He’s on CSI?
– But not anymore.
– He was in The Matrix——
– That is one ug-guh-lee nigga.
– He is not. I think he’s hot.
– You think Steve Tyler is hot.
– His money is.
– Money makes the man.
– M-m-m-money on my mind, money on my mind . . .
– Youngmoney cashmoney.
– Who’s that actor with the eye—the freaky eye—
– Forest Whitaker.
– Shit, you gotta a lot of information in your head, girl.
– I think his daughter used to go to John Burroughs. I think she was a senior when we were freshmen.
– So much information.
– Forest Whitaker is really good. He won an Academy Award for Best Actor.
– Really?!?!
– What was Laurence Fishburne in? The Purple Mile? Shawshank Whatever?
– Hahahaha! It’s Green Mile! Hahaha!
– She’s got purp on the brain.
– The Purp Mile . . .
– That’s funny.
– The Color Purp—hahahahahahaha!
– The color perp-walk.
– I loved The Color Purple.
– Yeah well now you’re lovin the color.
– Isn’t that a Prince song? Purp Rain. Ahahahahahahaha.
– Was Whoopi in that, or Oprah?
– Whoopi wasn’t in Purple Rain.
– I love her on The View.
– This shit is strong. I am so stoned . . .
– Yeah it’s good. No sticks, no seeds, just Al Green . . .
– That purp, that bomb, that kush—
– Psychodenk . . .
– I never saw The Matrix.
– Netflix it, girl. Stream on. Get on it.
– It’s kind of like Inception.
– No, you can’t instant it, it’s only on DVD.
– O bullshit. Really?
– No, look—see?
– I totally watched that on my phone last week. Totally!!!
– Can someone tell me what the fuck a Blu-ray is?!?!
– I didn’t like Inception. I hate that girl Natalie Portman.
– Oh my God, you are so stoned.
– That’s not Natalie Portman! It was the girl who played the pregnant girl—
– from Canada?
– Juno . . .
– I loved that movie! What’s her name?
– Ellen! Ellen Page.
– Look—she’s from Halifax. Nova Scotia.
– Can I see?
– Oooh she’s pretty.
– I want to be from Nova Scotia, I love Nova Scotia—
– Oh my God, she’s like twenty-five.
– Really? I can’t believe she’s so old!
– It says 1987. February 21.
– That’s my brother’s birthday!
– She looks so young. She’s one of those women who will look exactly the same until they’re, like, seventy.
– Natalie Portman! ReeRee is fucked up. You saw Juno, didn’t you, Ree?
– She gets pregnant while she’s in high school?
– Um, gee, doesn’t that sound familiar?
– But she’s really responsible about it. I mean it’s so not Teen Mom. She is so not psycho white trash!
– What about Laurence Fishburne’s daughter?
– Why does he call himself Laurence? It should be Larry, right?
– It’s like he wants to be all English. Like Dr. House.
– Dr. House is not English.
– He totally is. The guy who plays him? Oh my God, he is so English!
– Tallyho.
– Tally ho’s!!!
– Would anybody care for a spot of tea?
– Sir Laurence Fishburne would love a spot of tea!
– Sir Laurence of Arabia Fishburne.
– Sir Lawrence of a Labia.
– That is disgusting!
– My little brother said that to me. I don’t even think he knew what it meant!
– Why doesn’t he just call himself Larry.
– Because Larry smells like ass. Movie stars do not name themselves Larry.
– Right?
– I can’t think of any. I can’t think. I can’t. Of any. Oh my god I am so stoned.
– Larry Fishburne’s daughter! What were you going to say!
– She’s a pornstar.
– Yeah, that’s old.
– Wazzup witt huh?
– Yeah! Tell us wazzup with huh!
– I was listening to huh on Shade. & she’s like promoting h
uh porno, whatever. Huh real name’s Montana but huh porn name be Chippy D.
– Whoa. It’s like a Ben & Jerry’s. Schweddy balls . . .
– Chocolate fudge brownie—
– Banana split—schweddy clit . . . . .
– Boston CREAM pie!
– Muddddd sliiiiiiiiiiide!
– That’s a good pornstar name! Mudslide.
– It’s quite evocative, as the English say.
– She should just call herself Larry!
– Have you seen her movies?
– Rikki has. On his iphone. I told him I don’t want to see that shit. I do not want to see Chippy D chomping on a dick!
– Didn’t she go crazy?
– I think she went to a mental hospital but they said she was faking it. She tried to kill herself?
– I feel sorry for her.
– Feel sorry for her dad!
– Can you imagine how fucked up it must be for him? I mean, your daughter’s supposed to be going off to college, but she decides to stay home & major in dick-riding!
– O! I mean, anywhere he shows his face, someone’s gunna—people are like snickering . . .
– She said on this show—on Eminem’s show—that her dad would one day see, like, her Big Plan, & they would totally mend their relationship.
– Whatever. I really feel sorry for her. He must have had to totally have done some shit in her upbringing for her to be doing that shit she does tho.
– Like molesting?
– No. I mean he could have. Don’t all dads molest their daughters?
– That’s gross.
– But he doesn’t seem the type. & she probably would have been talking about that already, bitch so crazy. I’m just sayin he must have done something. I’m jus sayin.
– She’s jus sayin.
– Maybe he didn’t. Sometimes you can be a really good parent and your kid winds up shooting kids at school or whatever.
– Oh my god, Reeyonna, what if your kid does that? That would be so weird!
– I’m just gunna do my best to be a loving mom—
– We could give it a list of who to shoot.
– Ooh hoo! You better hope he doesn’t columbine—
– All I know is, I don’t want to put any pressure on the baby. And I don’t want him to have expectations.
– Him? Is it a boy? Are you going to have a boy?
– I don’t want him or her to have expectations!
– Expectations about what? Girl, you cray-zee.
– You Jay-Z.
– She doesn’t want to know. She told the doctor and nurses not to tell her like what the gender would be.
– I could never do that. I would totally need to know!
– Well if it’s a girl, don’t name her Montana.
– Hahahahahahahahahahah—
– AHAHAHAHAHAHA—
– hahahahahahahahahahaha—
– So she was on the Shade.
– That’s Eminem’s channel?—
– And she’s telling em porn is like a stepping stone in her career. You know, like it was for Paris and Kim.
– Did you see the Kim tape?
– No but now I want to.
– Did you know he’s Brandy’s little brother?
– Who is.
– Ray J Ray J Ray J Ray J.
– Gimme some of that, Swisher Queen.
– Lissen to her! She thinks she’s Kreayshawn, but you just a basic bitch!
– Girl, I’m a bad bitch. I’m fag swag.
– Fag swag HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
– The guy in the tape with Kim.
– He’s an asshole. Didn’t he leak that to the internet?
– He leaked a lot.
– Hahahahahahahahaha!
– He leaked it all over.
– And Chippy D . . . she talks about Sasha Grey too—
– OMG Sasha Grey is such a slut!
– Montana talks about her like she’s Meryl Streep!
– Montana is just dumb. She looks like a donkey.
– That’s mean.
– Sasha Grey is nasty. Rikki showed me a gangbang tape she did—I got totally traumatized just watching it! There was like this whole roomful of guys in line to fuck her in her butt! & nobody was wearing a condom.
– That is so disgusting.
– It’s sick. It’s like—sick.
– She is beyond slutdom.
– The d.p. queen.
– She needs an exorcist.
– And like, the DJs are saying—one of them’s saying, like, “Montana, I was jacking off to one of your movies this morning”—
– Oh my God, he said that? On the radio?
– It’s satellite.
– You can say anything on satellite.
– O my god.
– He like just totally says “I was jacking off to one of your movies but like I kept seeing your dad’s face cause you really kinda look like him”—
– Oh my God.
– Hahahahahahahaha!
– ahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahah—
– So what did she say?
– She said she was proud of her new “feature,” that’s what she called it, a feature film—
– That is so, so sad . . .
– Sick.
– They ask her about the feature and she says she does everything in it, you know, facials, anal, she even squirts—
– What is squirting?!?!!!
– You know how like some girls can gush when they cum.
– Rikki showed me this compilation—have you seen that?
– Where would I have seen that?!?!
– I don’t know, maybe he showed you.
– You should just ask him!
– But I——do you mean water squirts when they cum?
– Water, whatever.
– Diet Squirt.
– Rikki said Louie told him that he had a girlfriend once who could squirt, like the shit that came out was hot, like hot water, & they had to always have like two big towels next to him when they fucked, & sometimes before they even finished the towels would be soaked—
– Oh my God . . .
– That is beyond disgusting.
– Like Yellowstone.
– Thar . . . she——
– Blowwwwwwwwwwwws!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– ahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahah
– Old Faithful . . .
– Right, the geyser—what do they—
– You know that actress Thora Birch?
– Is she in True Blood?
– No. That’s Anna Paquin.
– I love True Blood.
– Anna Paquin?
– Oh my God, you are so stoned, just shut the fuck up. Thora Birch was in American Beauty.
– I didn’t see that. I know of it but I haven’t seen it.
– Get your Netflix game on, biatch. We watched it on Raymundo’s iPad. Anyway, her parents are total pornstars.
– Her parents? Really?
– Yeah, I think her mom was in Deep Throat.
– I’m looking her up on Wickedpedia—
– They should adopt Chocolate Chippy D!
– Totally! She’s probably their real kid . . .
– It should have been Thora Fishburne—
– Switched at birth!
– ahahahahahahahahahaah—
– O my God, you won’t believe this—
– She’s too white to be his daughter.
– What?
– It says she went to New Roads.
– Are you kidding?!?!
– Who did.
– Thora.
– I think it’s so trippy when you can have a black father and still look totally white if your mom’s white. I saw a picture of Drake’s mom—
– Thora Birch’s parents totally need to adopt Chippy D!
– —look. See? He’s a Jew.
– That’s Drake’s mom? She’s so totally a
blond!
– President Obama’s mom is totally white like that.
– Are they still seriously porned out? Thora’s mom & dad?
– I don’t think they like perform anymore, they just manage her. Her dad does. Her career.
– If she has one.
– See if she’s on twitter.
– Are you sure she is not in True Blood?
– O my God, you’re serious! You are so stoned!
– No one can be managed by their parents. Well maybe when you’re really young but then it gets fucked up. They like snap to the fact that their parents are totally trying to control them or steal their money. They wind up having to sue.
– I would love to sue my parents.
– ReeRee, when are you going to tell your mom you’re pregnant?
– When I start to show. I have like this whole plan.
– Like how you’re going to tell her?
– I’m supposed to get all this money when I’m 18? From when I was a model in all of her photographs? She’s been like setting aside money for me, and putting it in a trust? She said I deserved to have some of the money.
– That is so cool of her.
– Your mom is so kewl.
– I mean, do you know, did she say how much? How much you’re going to have?
– I think around like $200,000—
– whoa whoa whoa—
– but that was like 4 years ago. So there’s probably interest . . .
– Reeyonna, that is so much money.
– I’m not supposed to get it til I turn 18, but I’m going to ask her to give it to me earlier.
– What are you going to do with it?
– Buy a house. Like a little cottage in Silverlake or the Hollywood hills.
– Like a bungalow?
– O my God, I love that.
– I just think you need a house if you’re going to start a family. Rikki and I need to live together, he needs to feel like the man of the house. You know, not a boy who doesn’t have any responsibilities.
