by Bruce Wagner
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——are those real tears? coming from amongst Awardwinning cast&camera&lighting crew? Are those real tears coming not just from my Mom, but from Academy Awardwinning MICHAEL DOUGLAS and Emmywinning CREATOR RYAN MURPHY and Academy Awardwinning GWYNETH PALTROW? All are frozen in positions and staring, at me, TELMA, (and how I am so very honored) there seems to be to my eye 100 people at least all told, Artie is standing now beside his wheelchair, having said he is embarrassed to be a pretender while the real thing, future Emmy and Oscarwinning TELMA BELLE BALLENDYNE’s right there in front of him (how sweet!!!) he says outloud that it is now MY time it is now MY turn to take the throne, mettaforically to speak of, because of course I am not “handicapped” as the world considers the term to be, for example I am not wheelchair bound, but I am Kancervived, with all the Dignity, Hardships & uncertanties that go along . . . & even the Mongol seemed to grasp what was happening before hers and everyone’s eyes, Becky the Down Mongol was born a hero, & standing there seems to grasp that she has already been recriuted into Telma’s Troopers not RYAN THE CREATOR’s. A tender button on the GLEE soldier’s pea coat, the downy Mongol was a felt punchline who would never EVER be abused by Sue Sylvester, & sweetly funny too, whether the downed Mongol could voice it or not she could SENSE and FEEL that Telma, dancing & singing before her, was the real thing, a bonafied outsider like herself, the 2 of them left Artie the pretend-cripple in the dust . . . . . .
All watched me in mid-song & dance in my Badgely Mischka tux, (I got the spelling right because I copied it from a magazine!!!) all still frozen in Show Business Time, but I kept singing & would not have been aware of the OTHER voice if a HUGE GASP & mass swivelling of eyes had not cued me.
I turn . . . & it is———— JUSTIN BIEBER, singing smile though your is xxxxxxx, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-------------he is walking toward me, and my knees are SHAKING!!! but I can see clearly that JUSTIN is an Old Soul just like me, and I don’t wait for him to approach ME but am BOLDLY approaching HIM until we are SO CLOSE that our NOSES almost TOUCH
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And OMG when we finish you could hear a pin drop!!! JUSTIN kisses my cheek then touches my forehead with his forehead, & this dear Diary is when the audience can hold it no longer, there are many LOUD SIGHS followed by LITTERALL CRYING & APPLAUS, and JUSTIN BIEBER is bowing, he beckons me to follow his lead, he has taken my hand in his, someone through flowers to me, a WHOLE BOOQKAY but it hits JUSTIN by mistake!!!!! There is so much laughter from MICHAEL DOUGLAS and RYAN MURPHY, CREATOR, and HIS WIFE CATHERINE and GWYNETH and BRITTANY S. PIERCE and then more sighs as he (JUSTIN) gentlemanly presents the bouquet to his partner, ME, TELMA, hervivor, the creator Ryan turning now saying Thank You JUSTIN BIEBER. . . . & Thank You MICHAEL DOUGLAS & Thank You CATHERINE & GWYNETH———————but most of all we must thank GOD for the newest ADDITION to the GLEE FAMILY, Miss TELMA BELLE BALLENDYNE & while the applause continued, JUSTIN whispered, “TELMA, come let me give you a ride home in my SWAG-filled Range Rover, and we
. . .
For whatever reason, they hadn’t been left a drive-on. The gate opened and Gwen was directed to park in a makeshift holding area, so as not to further impede the already slow-moving line of studio visitors. Gwen said shit under her breath, still (forever) reeling/keening/plexus-punched from the obscene news, already on morbid nauseating countdown in her head as to when she is going to tell her daughter she’d been mutilated more or less on a whim, victim of extreme preventive care, they tore into that precious healthy body like wolves, their teeth were needles of every gauge, needles & clamps & forceps & retractors & scissors & saws & hooks & ligatures, fun and games at Dachau Children’s Hospital, St. Ambrose Frankenstein Family Pediatric Care Center—Gwen basically on countdown of as-yet unknown duration, she didn’t want to deprive Telma of her Glee moment. We’ll visit the set, then after, or maybe before she goes to bed, or maybe the next day, I’ll tell her we have an appointment with Phoebe, Phoebe, as of the last few hours, now privy to the situation, had to be. Gwen wanted to tell her daughter in the safety of a therapeutic environment, just in case (who knew) she had a nutso reaction, which she really felt was doubtful though Gwen had one herself—she’ll have a lovely day on the Glee set (if we ever get our frickin parking pass), maybe a few more lovely days, maybe a whole lovely (comparatively) week before–––SHIT the gal at Ryan Murphy’s office or someone forgot to leave a pass shit shit SHIT isn’t that perfect?
And when the guard tried to call production, for some perfect reason no one answered (of course not!) & so finally the guard reached someone on the set who told him to call the office back, a puissant/pissant command which he dutifully obeys in the way only a dumbass studio guard could. She watched it all unfold, her daughter in the seat beside her oblivious doing her instagrammy thing & Gwen expects no one at the prod. office will answer but lo & behold a person actually does, the dumbshit guard listens with all this gravity like on terrorist alert Just print out the frickin pass you dumbshit which in a moment he does, like he’s the one who pulled strings, like he wants somebody to kiss his ring for it, & he tells her to drive over there, pointing way over yonder in the direction of Palm Springs, it’s that far away, & just then Gwen remembers the Ryan Murphy gal specifically telling her she would be able to park close to the set, in fact right in front of the production office so they wouldn’t have to hike over, subtext being, your daughter has or had cancer, neither of course anymore being the truth, Oh man Gwen thinks darkly, we are certainly going to miss those cancer perks. Even tho they long since gave up their handicapped parking permit, the one that was so hopeful during the months of surgery/recovery, the unnecessary months! they’d given it up because Telma, ever the warrior-ethicist, said she wasn’t handicapped (anymore), it was an effrontery, & unfair to all the people who did need a handicapped permit, Gwen couldn’t argue with her, and why should she? she was cured! Cured! CURED! Of NOTHING & when she deigns to mention this little detail to the ugly illiterate peanut-brained guard he acts like she’s uppity, says Well I don’t know anything about that, & if it were true (literally using that phrase, calling her a liar!), the woman he just spoke to would have said so. At least the Captain of Retardation offered to call back, but Gwen, not wishing to be further victimized, wisely said no, just let it be, she already had that general sinking feeling, sinking feeling upon sinking feeling, that this-is-as-good-as-it’s-going-to-get feeling as he waved her through to the most distant parking structure known to man. Within that structure, awaiting within, was the single furthest-away-from-everything parking space, a 10K trudge in the shimmering heat, all those little golf carts speeding past with laughing passengers, bantering almost, sometimes they even whizzed by with only a driver, say, a personal assistant merrily whistling to himself in the midst of an insignificant errand, maybe even just on his way to lunch, or sometimes a cart passed with the name of a show on it, X Factor, New Girl, Family Guy, whatever, lowly intern at the wheel temporarily liberated from office humdrum to deliver a fat check/free swag to whomever bigshot . . . . . . . . . then (still 8 minutes left in their walk to the set) Gwen sees a cart with GLEE on it speeding past, yet another galling solo driver no doubt heading in the direction they were going, to the soundstage, she shouts “Hey!” but he doesn’t hear & she’s suddenly a bit embarrassed—there goes the Glee production company driver without a care in the world, zooming past the Mom of the girl who survived cancer without actually having cancer—now that’s a true survivor!—the girl that Michael Douglas (who did have cancer, though maybe not anymore) was so moved by, & had paved the way for their studio visit on this bright fraudulent hig
h-end LA day with its traitorous bowling ball moon hanging in the sky-blue sky like a fuck-you to the night.
Michael Douglas would have been furious to see them walking like this in the hot sun.
At the soundstage, Ryan Murphy, Creator, was not there to greet them.
They stood stranded outside until a very, very sweet gal with lots of gear strapped on her smiled the biggest smile. “Are you Telma? You must be Telma!” & for a minute Gwen thought things would be better. (Wrong.) She began to say something but was startled by a loud BELL/ALARM. A big red light atop the stage door lit up & revolved like the ones on old ambulances & the sweet gal smiled but at the same time seriously pantomimed them NOT TO SAY A WORD, NOT EVEN TO MOVE. Telma heard (over the girl’s walkie) someone shout “PLAYBACK!” and she & her mom stood there, Telma’s racing, worried she was missing something, everything, then some big cranky guy ignored the light, opened the steel door & went in, which the sweet gal frowned on but permitted, in the sense that she didn’t try to stop him. & for just a few seconds, everyone could hear Lea Michele’s brassy voice, it sounded live but Telma was surprised when it squeaky-rewound & the bell alarm SOUNDED again, the red light went OFF, & the sweet tomgirl gal walked them in and advanced them to a temporary position where they could see without being in the camera or anyone’s way.
The alarm sounded and . . . . . “PLAYBACK!”—& Telma saw Brittana & Lea & Artie, Colton, Mercedes & an older woman in black tights, patent-leather dance heels & derby, everyone was singing and dancing. This went on stutter-starting/stopping for about a half-hour. Then someone yelled “We have it!” and there was commotion but then that same person asked everyone to be very still & quiet for a moment, which they were, not a peep, it was all so exciting to her, Telma thought that’s what Show Business is, there’s only two ways it can ever be, it’s either very loud and crazy & all over the place, or it’s very quiet & serious and organized & disciplined. Then, after everyone had been extremely quiet for at least 60 seconds, the same person announced it was LUNCH.
Telma & Gwen were walked over to the director, not by the sweet gal, but someone else who was sweet but not as sweet, the director stayed in his chair & smiled & shook their hands. When they left, Telma thought he called her Aleisha. They were walked over to a cast member or two, but of the lesser variety. The famous ones had disappeared.
No one seemed to know exactly who Telma was. No one, not even the director, seemed in the least prepared viz her darling daughter, which puzzled/irritated Gwen . . . . . but the day was saved because the woman in the tights & derby came and graciously introduced herself, first to the mom Hello! I’m Catherine then to Telma, So wonderful to meet you! My husband’s talked so much about you, I heard you’re a helluva dancer (Telma thought, OMG. It is Mrs. Michael Douglas, the Oscarwinning Catherine Zeta-Jones. OMG how could I have not known that, I am so embarrassed) but then she got called away, as people in show business tend to, shrugging at Telma & Gwen as if she really truly didn’t want to be called away but, as it was work, had no real say in the matter, which was the truth. At least leaving them with that lovely glow/feeling that they mattered. Gwen told Telma that was Michael Douglas’s wife, Telma said I know! I know! She was just too all over the place keyed up to say anything in the moment, Telma knew she was his wife, knew she was doing a Glee, she was Welsh even though she sounded English, & that she was a bipolar Hero.
Catherine went away and it was back to
Mother and daughter
stranded
again
Telma said she wanted to walk around on her own for a while, do some exploring, Gwen said OK & Telma struck out.
She went in search of Artie/Kevin, and was shocked to actually see him only a minute into her peregrinations, out of his wheelchair (naturally). She went straight up & said she was here because she was a friend of Michael Douglas, she took the bull by the horns and informed him that she was currently the youngest breast cancer survivor in the world. Artie/Kevin seemed really interested, even tho Telma thought that might be partially because he thought she was a guest of Catherine’s.
He said, “Wow, really?! He was here earlier, he’s so great”—not actually really (fully) knowing a rejoinder to the little girl’s breast-beating boast—asking instead how she knew Michael D. Telma told him the story, of how she wrote him a letter because he was a survivor too & how he wrote back. Artie/Kevin said, “Whoa, you guys are pen pals?” Telma nodded with a big smile and A/K said, “Pen pals with Michael Douglas! Very cool.” Then he was called away. Artie Kevin ignored whoever was calling him as if to show Telma that he answered to no one, but they called him again and he shrugged like Catherine did and excused himself, telling her all the while that it was rude to just leave someone in the middle of a conversation, but again the shrug of What can I do?
Telma went & sat in his wheelchair but a property person came along. He was very nice about it but said he needed to take the chair away.
She went over to the snack table and picked up a gooey slice of honeydew melon. Too sweet. The bananas were gooey too, and the cantaloupe too hard. She grabbed a handful of almond M&Ms & baby pretzels. She was glad to see her mom talking to someone in the distance. A girl came to the table and started shoving soda cans into a big cooler filled with ice. Telma asked her if the creator Ryan was coming. Without looking at her & continuing to shove cans in the cooler, she said O he doesn’t tell us when he comes but he’s usually here every day. Then the tomgirl gal appeared & sweetly wagged a finger at Telma. You guys are supposed to be having lunch with the Cheerios. You guys are gunna get me in trouble.
She walked the young guest outside. Gwen was already sitting in a golf cart, waiting. The outdoor lunch tables were supposedly four or 5 whole soundstages away but you could smell the BBQ from here.
As she went toward the golfing cart, Telma saw Heather Morris. Heather/Brittany was one of her total role models because the dancer was cast permanently by accident. (Even though Telma wanted to be cast permanently not by accident.) Heather was the biggest testimony to the magic & miracles and serendipity of how s are born, that was a word she loved that her mom told her meant a person’s happy destiny. Heather was in Telma’s opinion one of the friendliest & least jaded of the cast too because everything was so new to her, she had never set out to be a star. Telma had among others a Heather Morris Google Alert, in every YouTube clip or whatever interview with fans or press she always came across as crazy-kind because in her she must have known how blessed she was, that what had been given her could so easily be taken away, not necessarily by Ryan the Creator but by TV gods in general. (There would always be h8trs, trollers & flamebaiters, one of them was a Mean Girl who kept writing heather’s just a fame whore a total poser cant you people see? & Telma wrote back YOU are the whore can’t YOU see? not heather but felt kind of bad about it after, even though she knew she did the right thing because as a rule she didn’t like to be a Mean Girl h8tr herself. What is a poser anyway, what does that even mean? How could Heather be fake! But she knew Heather was strong, & getting stronger each day as her fame grew, that Heather must know that such is the price one must pay for true dom, be it be granted sudden or gradual.) As she became famouser, of late Telma could tell it was getting maybe a bit harder for Heather to be Heather. Like when she got googalerted to a Glee event in Beverly Hills at the Museum of Television. The whole cast was there & the fans could ask any question they wanted. When Heather left the event people were screaming for her to sign posters & whatever, they just wanted her attention, & Heather looked like maybe she wasn’t feeling well, she just got into the limousine and crouched down, she ducked down hiding from everyone. At first you could hear the fans—if you could call them that because Telma read how so many of these so-called “fans” hunted down stars for autographs then promptly sold them on eBay—you could hear them say how cute it was that she was playing peekaboo from the limousine, everyone had so much good will toward Heather, more than the usual star, because she was alway
s so nice, she always shined, and made whoever she was talking to shine too, but when the so-called “fans” realized she wasn’t playing peekaboo, that she was just on the floor hiding & maybe having a tiny nervous breakdown, their voices grew louder, but the car pulled away. That’s when Telma heard one of them shout, There’ll come a day when you’ll WISH we wanted your autograph——————how awful.
Heather was in a robe on her way to her trailer and Telma went right up. She was so nice, she looked Telma right in the eye like she was a real person, a big person not a little person, she was so kind, she said right away that her new friend Catherine already told her all about who she was, & Heather said she “loved warriorgirl” & was so impressed!
Telma asked if she could sit with her for lunch but Heather got a sad look and said she had to give an interview to a man who came all the way from Italy, and that she wasn’t having lunch with everyone today Telma was hoping she would invite her into her trailer at least to hang out & maybe have a tiny lunch during her interview but Heather just kept on apologetically sad-smiling.
When she was finally excusing herself, Telma asked if she could give her a kiss & Heather said Yeah! but everything got superjumbled in Telma’s grasping, desperately in the moment, overheated mind whether Heather was gay in real life, because Brittany was, maybe just like Ryan the Creator had written Lea’s & Gwyneth’s roles especially for them, maybe he did the same with Brittany basing her some or a lot on the real Heather, probably Heather was partly gay in real life, there’d been such a fuss over the original Brittana kiss, & with Kurt kissing Blaine, & Darren Kriss & everyone now always kissing, tho mostly it seemed girls kissing girls & boys kissing boys, so Telma, in heady, felt, headrushed desperation thought maybe that could be the way to gain entrée, to leapfrog Glee Project 2 & any other kind of project, person or thing Ryan & Dante were considering, the way to stand out from the pack, that maybe if she did then Heather would tell Creator Ryan, the creator Ryan was bold, a kiss between older & younger could be the new frontier because everyone was getting tired and bored (thought Telma, in that moment) with the boy-boy/girl-girl same-age kiss, this way maybe would be another way to help her to be permanently hired– – – – – – – – – – –so– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –she put her tongue right in Brittany’s mouth, deep, Brittany didn’t see it coming, Telma had her eyes open as she pushed it further and further in, the expression on Heather’s face was total shock which actually allowed Telma to keep the thick pink muscle in there longer, even if it was only a sliver longer because as it turns out a sliver happens to be a lot in tonguetime, Telma only kissed once like that ever, one boy (not Biggie ), was kissed by him more than kissing him, that little swordfight first-time exploring tongues do, but not as deep as this, she twirled & swirled around in Brittany’s mouth til Heather grabbed her & practically threw her off her to the ground saying What are you doing are you CRAZY?!?!?! Then she looked around declaiming to no one in particular OMG this little girl just kissed me with her TONGUE OMG HOW GROSS! THIS is so W E I R D, who IS she, where is her GUARDIAN?
