“You regret being with me?” he asked.
He pulled me by the arm into my bedroom.
“No, I already love the baby so much,” I said.
He pulled the sheet and cover back and kissed my forehead.
“In bed,” he said.
“I'm not fucking you,” I said through my tears.
“Shut up and get in bed,” he demanded, and like usual, I did it.
I watched him put his phone on my nightstand. Then he crawled in behind me, wrapped his arm over me, and pulled my back against his chest.
“I'm going to be a part of my child's life. Just because we didn't plan this doesn't mean I won't be there. I can't believe I'm going to be a dad. It does scare me like crazy. I'm not sure I deserve something so awesome in my life. I'll take care of all of your medical bills. We can go out and get everything next week while I'm home.”
“I don't want your money, Lance,” I said.
“I don't care what you want, Firecracker,” he said. “I will be taking care of everything.”
“What about your woman?” I asked.
“I kicked her ass out when I found her naked in my bed and you gone. I know you don't believe me, and I don't blame you. I really had no intention of being with her. It was you I wanted to stay with me. Before you say it, I wouldn't have been with her if you hadn't shown up either. I was pissed off at Scott acting like he was your protector and wasn't even thinking when I gave her the number. I haven't been with anyone since the first time we were together. Don't you ever call that night a drunken mistake either. Something pretty amazing came out of that night. I'm not sure what's going to happen, and I am so damn nervous. I can tell you that I will love my child with all of my heart, and I will always be there. You better get used to the idea.”
“I'm still not fucking you,” I said.
“Shut your mouth and get some sleep,” he said. “Take care of our baby.”
Chapter 4
Lance
Lucy finally fell asleep. I closed my eyes and kept my hand on her belly. Would I be a good dad, I wondered? She was right. I was gone so much. I basically floated in and out when I wanted. My career was my everything. It was all that mattered to me. I couldn't think like that anymore though. I was going to have to think about the baby and Lucy too. She needed to take care of herself. I didn't want her worrying about money or anything else. I knew I was going to take some time to talk to Carrie's mom when I was in Michigan.
Just before I drifted off to sleep, I made a decision. I'd already thought about it before, but it wasn't until that moment that I was sure of what I was doing. I was going to look for a place closer to Lucy. There was no way that I wanted to be two hours away from my child when I was home. It was closer to work as well, so that would leave me even more time at home.
I woke up to Lucy flailing around in my arms. She was crying out Brad's name and sweat was pouring down her forehead. Whatever had happened had to have been so damn hard on her if she was having nightmares five years later. I didn't let it freak me out. She'd done it before. I rubbed her back and held her while telling her over and over that everything was okay. Once she settled down, I wrapped my leg over hers and my arm over her chest. Then I closed my eyes and soaked up every moment of holding her in my arms.
When I woke up, she was in the shower. It took all I had not to walk into the bathroom. I wanted so badly to strip off my clothes and sneak into the shower, but I knew I couldn't do it. She'd made it clear that she didn't want that with me anymore, and I needed to think before trying anything with her. My head felt like it was going to explode. I was freaking out inside, but I didn't want her to see it. She was already convinced I was going to bail on them. I knew we'd get through it. We just needed to communicate and be honest with each other. I was going to be there for my child, I just needed to get my shit together. It was a lot to take in. Lucy needed to know that I would be there every step of the way though. I didn't want to scare her anymore than I was sure she already was.
I made coffee and breakfast before she came out. When she looked up and saw me, she jumped.
“You okay?” I asked.
“I thought you'd left,” she said.
“I will right after we eat.”
“You made breakfast,” she said more to herself than to me.
I handed her a cup of coffee, and she shook her head no.
“It's not good for the baby,” she said.
“Oh shit!” I said. “I'm sorry. I didn't know. I won't make it again when I'm here. I don't want you to have to smell it if you aren't drinking it. Sit down and eat.”
“I can't believe you cooked,” she said with a laugh.
“This is all more than just a sexy package,” I joked, as I walked to the sink with both of our coffee cups.
“Drink it,” she said just before I dumped it. “It's not bothering me.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
She nodded before looking down at her plate. I could tell she was feeling off by the way she was playing with her food. I sat down and started eating.
“When do you go back to the doctor?” I asked. “What did they tell you?”
We talked for a bit about what the doctor had given her and about her appointment schedule and tests she would need.
“What other things beside coffee can you not have?” I asked.
“Caffeine and alcohol are the big ones. I need to eat better as well. She just told me to make sure I get sleep. I plan on exercising as well. This baby will have the best possible chance I can give him or her,” she said.
I stood up, took both of our plates, and carried them to the sink. Then I washed the dishes while we talked a bit more. When I sat back down at the table, she was looking at me with me a strange look.
“Out with it,” I said. “Are you about to make some comment about me washing dishes?”
She burst into laughter but didn't say a word. I stood back up, grabbed her hand, and pulled her to her feet.
“You definitely keep me on my toes, Firecracker,” I whispered with my lips against her forehead. “You're going to be an amazing mom. I'm just hoping I can be half as good at being a parent as you.”
Neither of said anything for a moment. Then she pulled out of my hold.
“I have to get to work,” she said.
“You need to be careful,” I said. “Don't work so much overtime.”
“I'm not that far along, Lance. I'll be fine.”
“I'll be gone a few days. The day I get back, I have a game. I'll be at the hotel after that. I'll be home for five days. I do have a few things I need to do while I'm here, but we'll go shopping and get everything for the baby. Make sure you set aside some time for that,” I said, as I walked to her spare room. “Don't be lifting shit. I'll get it while I'm here.”
“Lance,” she snapped.
“Don't Lance me,” I said. “I'm going to do it. Arguing would be a waste of time.”
“Why are you going to stay at the hotel for five days?” she asked.
“I'm going to be close to you while I'm here,” I said.
“You don't need to be. You should go home and save the money you'd pay for a hotel. I'll be fine. You need to have time for yourself on your days off. We need to be careful. I need to be careful. You're the baby's dad, and I want you to be as involved with the baby as you want to be. I just need to make sure.”
I wasn't even giving her the chance to finish.
“I'm not going to do anything to hurt either of you, Lucy. Please believe me. I know I'm a baseball player, and I know that I have a past. We both do. I've not been with anyone but you.”
“You should be,” she said. “You should live your life the way you want. I'm fine with it. This fun between us is over though. It has to be. I can't live my life like that anymore. I wouldn't want my baby seeing me that way. It's time for me to grow up. That's over for me. I can't be that person anymore. I had no right being pissed last night. You're not mine, and you never will
be. I'm sorry I ruined it for you.”
“I wasn't going to do anything with her. No matter if you showed up or not. You were the one I wanted last night. I know it will take time to prove I'm not a bad guy.”
“I never said you were. You're just not the guy for me. That's all in the past. I don't want that again. I need to get to work,” she said in a sad tone. “Lock the door when you leave. Be careful, and give Carrie and her family a hug for me. When you get back, you need to go home. If we do go shopping or anything, you can stay here for one night. You don't need to be wasting money on a room that big. Take your hat and jersey with you too.”
She grabbed what she needed and was out the door before I could say anything. That woman pissed me off. There was no way I was taking that with me. I grabbed a marker, opened the drawer they were in, signed the jersey, and put it back. She'd kept it for a reason. If she did sell it, she'd get more with the signature on it. She could hide behind her walls all she wanted, but I knew damn well she was into me. Why didn't she want me around, I wondered? She'd said I could stay for one night. Why didn't she want me closer those five days? I looked around the room that would be the baby's one more time before heading out.
I'd noticed the entire time I was with Lucy that she hadn't once called me hotshot or ballplayer. I never thought I'd miss it, but I did. She was all business. It was all about the baby. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I knew I wanted her to know I wasn't a bad guy. That wasn't going to be the easiest thing to prove, especially after the night before at the hotel. I couldn't blame her. I would have been pissed if I'd shown up unannounced, we fucked, then some guy had shown up to fuck her while I was there. It was bullshit. I never would have been with that woman. I was just furious at Scott. Lucy wasn't his to protect. That was my job. Wait, I thought. What the fuck was that? No, no, no. I wasn't falling into that hole. Nope. We'd only been hooking up a little over two months. That did not make me a one woman man.
I hurried out of her apartment and to my car. I needed to get to the team. Throwing the ball around would snap me out of my thoughts and remind me of where my life was supposed to be headed.
Chapter 5
Lucy
I had to get out of there as fast as I could. There was no way I was letting him in. I'd made the mistake of thinking he cared about me less than one day before. Then I'd learned it was all in my head the minute I opened the door to see her there. She was his type of woman, I wasn't.
We'd slept together the entire night without messing around. I know, I know. We'd just messed around hours before. I was still surprised he hadn't tried to make a move. He even cooked breakfast for us and did the dishes. Was it for real, or was he just making up for that damn woman at the door?
I told him to move on and have fun with whoever he wanted. I told him we were done. I knew I really did need to let him go before I got hurt. He would definitely hurt me. Being with one woman wasn't the life for him. You could say the same for me, but with me it was different. I had no problem being a one man woman, until that man was taken away without any warning. It wasn't that I couldn't do it. I just didn't want to risk a man getting hurt because of me again. I'd also promised forever to that man. He was gone. That didn't mean I could break that promise.
When Lance mentioned staying at the hotel, my mind went crazy. I would never admit that to him. I wasn't lying when I said it was a complete waste of money. There was more to it though. One thing was that I wasn't sure I could deal with him being around for five days. We needed to stay in contact for the baby, but that was the only reason. He said it was because he wanted to be close in case I needed anything. It didn't need to be that way though. He only needed to be around for the baby, the one that wasn't even born yet. Being around him for five days wasn't a good idea. I was too afraid of getting close to him. It was already going to be hard having him around for eighteen years, unless he gave up and cut us off early. Lance did things to me, things I couldn't control. I felt things when he was around that I hadn't even felt with Brad. That was messed up.
The other reason I didn't want him at the hotel was ridiculous. I knew it was, but it didn't change that I still felt it. I didn't want him to run into her again, the woman at the door. It was stupid. You don't have to tell me. He was going to run into women that were willing to fall on his dick everywhere he went. That was how it was. That was another reason I had to get him out of my mind. There was no way he'd ever settle down. I couldn't blame him really. That was who he was. He was moving up in the world. He deserved the amazing life he'd always wanted. He'd worked very hard for it. I gave him shit, but he really was pretty awesome.
I was sitting at my desk when my phone rang and pulled me from my thoughts. I was relieved to see Carrie's mom's number and answered it as fast as I could.
“Good morning,” I said a bit too loud into the phone. “You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice.”
She let out a laugh.
“I thought you might need a friend,” she said. “How was last night?”
“How do you know?” I asked. “Did he call you?”
“Nope,” she said. “He called Scott demanding to talk to Carrie and was freaking out. He wanted to know if she already knew. Then he went on about stuff and ended up hanging up. I figured he knew. You know he's on his way here. I'm pretty sure I'll end up seeing him even though I'm not going to the game. I told him to come here and I'd make him dinner.”
“That's nice. I bet he'll like that. He made me breakfast. I couldn't believe it.”
“You want to talk about what happened?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said.
We spent the next hour on the phone. I explained everything, and I do mean everything, to her. I left nothing out. Well I did leave out the details of sex with Lance. I just told her we messed around and then moved on. I told her about the woman at the door, me leaving, him showing up, and us sleeping in my bed together all night. I told her about the things we'd both said. Once I was done, I took a deep breath. It felt damn good to talk about it with someone that wasn't Lance.
When she told me she believed he wasn't going to do anything with that woman, I couldn't believe it. Then she told me she saw it when we were together. She thought Lance loved me, and she thought I loved him. I hurried to interrupt her to let her know how wrong she was, but she just shushed me.
“I get that you've both sworn you want nothing. I've heard it from both of you way too many times already. I don't want to hear it again. You both have your reasons for fighting whatever it is that is going on between the two of you. He's explained his career and the places he's headed. You've never given me a reason. I'm not sure what has happened in your life, but you deserve love and happiness.”
“Not with him,” I said. “It doesn't matter where he goes, he's still going to have women all over him. That will not change.”
“That doesn't mean that he has to fuck them all, Lucy,” she said, and I was silent for a second.
“You just said the f word,” I said with a laugh. “He should be free to do that if he wants. I would never want to hold him back from his dreams.”
“You don't think tons of the players are married?” she asked. “Or do you think his dream is to screw as many women as he can?”
“Not funny,” I said. “I don't want a man in my life. Those days are long gone for me. Before you say it, I know how old I am. I also know that I don't deserve for someone to love me like that. Even if I did, I don't think Lance could ever be that man. I really don't. You don't understand. I would never want a man to be with me because he felt obligated. He's made it clear he doesn't want that with me. If he changes his mind, it will only be out of obligation. That's not what I want. Stop trying to confuse me. I don't want a relationship anyway. How did we get to this?”
“Did he do what you thought? Did he tell you he'd throw money at you but wanted nothing to do with the baby?”
“No,” I said defensively. “He said he wants to be a part of the ba
by's life. I don't want his money.”
“Maybe he would surprise you in other ways too,” she said.
“He wants to stay at a hotel close to me when he is in town later this week, the hotel she was at. I told him he only needs to be around for the baby. Then I said something stupid. I told him if he wants to shop for baby stuff, he can stay here that night. I said there was no sense in him wasting money on a room. I can't have him here.”
“You told him you don't want him around basically. I know damn well you did it because of that woman. You can deny it if you want. I'm fine with that. Why can't you have him there? You're not those crazy women. You know you don't want him. What's the problem?”
“I don't want him,” I said.
“I know, Lucy,” she said. “Let the man be there for his child. Just because the little one isn't here yet doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to be involved.”
“I know,” I said. “I'm being selfish.”
“What are you afraid of, Lucy?” she asked. “I'm asking you to be honest with me.”
“I'm afraid he'll hurt me. I know he will,” I said. “I'm also afraid of having feelings for him. I can't let that happen. I've made a promise not to be with any man for more than sex. Last night, I actually thought he cared about me. For a second I thought there was something there. Then she showed up, and it was just the wake-up call I needed. I want the baby to have two parents that love him or her. If something happens between Lance and me and it all blows up, that puts the baby's family at risk. I can't have that. You didn't see her. She was beautiful. I'm not even close to his level of woman. There are just too many reasons it would never work out. I've been thinking more about moving to Michigan. Please don't tell him or Carrie. I'm giving it more thought than ever. Scott said I could live in his house.”
“You need to do what's best for everyone involved, Lucy,” she said. “You need to think it through though. This baby is Lance's as well as yours. Would you want your child taken away from you?”
“No,” I said. “I wouldn't be taking the baby from him. He's not even home that much. I know the baby is his too.”
Playing Hardball: Part 4 Page 2
